


Would I Be Enough

by ThroneofMist



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bi Alex, Confused John, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Help, Lams - Freeform, Love, Minor Character Death, Multi, Or should I say deaths, Parties, alex never sleeps my poor child, idk how to tag lol, john's pretty awkward omg, k ignore this lol, lol how do you even tag, slow burning romance, snazzy coffee shops, tumblr af eliza, waitress peggy is everything, witty angelica
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-04-18 21:38:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 65
Words: 151,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14222325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThroneofMist/pseuds/ThroneofMist
Summary: John's doing fine.Just moved into his new college dormroom, although his roommate's a dick (but he's trying to forget about that).He's got great friends, one of which has a massive apartment. (Apartment equals parties)Got an amazing girlfriend, but he's not doing a great job at being a boyfriend and he doesn't know why. (Maybe he should spend more time with her?)Studying Law but would rather be drawing. (I mean, who wants to be a lawyer?)Yeah, John's doing fine. But then he meets Alexander Hamilton. And then everything changes. Quite dramatically.Alexander/John main paring...eventually





	1. What's Your Name, Man?

**Author's Note:**

> The AU and fic that no one asked for or wants but here we are, if you’re here and you’re planning on reading this, thanks. Hope you enjoy it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Turtles."
> 
> John meets a Mr Alexander Hamilton during class.

JOHN

John hunched his satchel over his shoulder as he tried to navigate his way through the talking students. He sighed, regretting his decision to not get coffee this morning, he could've seen Peggy. She would've given him some words of encouragement for today. God did he need some, first lecture of the year, with Washington aswell. Rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands, John looked down at his watch.

"Shit," He swore under his breath as he realised that he only had ten minutes to get to the lecture. He picked his speed up, bashing into some people accidentally, and apologising brashly. He made it to the hall with about five minutes to spare. Sighing with relief he made his way in, muttering 'excuse me' shuffling about as he tried to find an empty seat. He finally spotted one, up at the back.

He sat down and started to pull out his books and laptop from his satchel before he let it drop to the floor next to him. John let himself relax, he'd made it on time, found a seat and had managed to remember everything. So good so far. He leaned back in his chair and took his phone out from his pocket, sending a quick text to Peggy.

 **( 8:55 ) John** : **made it on time didn't have time to stop by the grind, see u later x**

John ran his tongue over his teeth as he clicked send. He rubbed the back of his neck as he turned his ringer off and slid his phone into the pocket of his jeans. 

John probably could've made a bit more of an effort in his clothing today. But he'd slept in. He'd only had time to shove his unruly curls into a bun, pull on a grey t-shirt and black jeans. He looked down and realised he had different socks on. He rolled his eyes at himself, before he pulled his jeans down, in a desperate yet poor attempt at hiding his mistake.

He'd wanted to get out of that room as soon as possible. His roommate was a real dick and John had only known him for a day. George. He rolled his eyes just thinking about him. George was from England. _London specifically_. He'd told Laurens all about his life in England and about how much better England was than America, like John gave a shit. John had just sat on his bed, typing loudly, hoping the sound of his keys would drown George's stupid voice out. It didn't.

Laurens swore that George put emphasis on his annoying ass accent, ignoring every 'r' that came up in his vocabulary. He also said 'chips' and 'biscuit' and 'football'.

John was so sucked into his reverie about killing George that he didn't even notice the guy awkwardly standing next to him. It was only when the guy said hi that John snapped out of it.

"Oh...uh...hi," John managed to get out. 

There was an awkward pause as neither of them said anything. John gulped and found himself staring at this guy. He had dark hair, scraped into a ponytail, that on anyone else would've looked stupid, but this guy somehow managed to pull it off. He was wearing a dark green sweater that looked too big for him and black jeans. He had brown eyes that seemed to be simultaneously tired and ecstatic. He had dark stubble and he was raising an eyebrow at John. Shit, he was _raising an eyebrow at John_.

"Uh. Sorry?" John asked, his cheeks going red. 

"I asked if I could sit there?" The guy asked again, gesturing to the empty seat at Laurens.

Laurens didn't really like new people. He was polite...of course. He just...didn't like meeting new people and having to go over the same boring topics about their families and childhood and what they were studying. He meant to say he was saving the seat, and he technically was, Angelica was in this class, so he probably should, but he found himself nodding and standing up so the dark eyed guy could sit.

John cringed at himself for being so awkward and fought the urge to gather his stuff and run out of the room. The guy shuffled in and Laurens sat down at the exact time Washington walked in.

"Welcome to Political Science. I hope you will enjoy my class, or at least not drop out in a week." That comment earned Washington a few laughs. "In the next few month we will be going over American politics, then we will move onto..."

Laurens tried to focus his attention on Washington, tried to copy down the notes onto his books, but he found himself gazing at the dark eyed stranger next to him. He was drinking coffee as he typed furiously. He didn't stop typing. Well, the only time he stopped was so he could write stuff down on paper or chug down coffee.

John found himself watching him as the lecture went on. He was impressed by the guy's attention to detail, and the speed of his writing. He was writing like he was running out of time, like it was going out of style. Laurens couldn't help but admire it.

When the ornate clock on the wall opposite John ticked ten to ten, students all around started packing up their things, the whispers that had been happening the whole lecture rose to normal talking. Laurens sat still until Washington sighed and said, "Okay, class is over now, see you again next lecture."

With that the professor sat at his desk and started writing, as if no one else was in the room. Laurens sighed, annoyed at himself for letting himself getting distracted so easily. He began packing his things away and stood up before he realised that 'dark eyes' hadn't stopped writing yet. John cleared his throat, but he still didn't look up. 

"Uh, hey, dude."

He looked up at John, startled, before he looked around the room, his cheeks tinging pink. "Oh. I didn't uh...realise...it was uh..." He trailed off as he started packing up his things, chucking his coffee cup into the bin.

"Hamilton. Uh...Alexander. Hamilton. People call me Alex." He held his hand out to John after he pulled his satchel onto his shoulder. John took his hand. 

"John Laurens," He smiled at Alex, as he shook his hand. 

Alex smirked up at him, and it made John's stomach twist and he had no idea why. "Guess I'll see you next lecture then." John grasped for words. Come on John, say something. Anything. Say something for fuck's sake.

"Turtles." 

John gulped. Not that John. Something _meaningful_. But Alexander just shrugged, still smiling, as if someone randomly saying turtles was normal. He smiled brightly again at John before he started walking out.

"See you around Laurens."

John waited before Alex left to sit back down, holding his head in his hands. Why the fuck did he say turtles? He asked himself as he stood up and left the hall, sighing.

 


	2. What Are You Doing, Lee?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You had it under control, mon ami fougueux."
> 
> John throws a punch. Alex gets coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy x

JOHN

When John got out of the lecture room, he pulled out his phone to find a number of notifications from Peggy and Laf. He opened them, hoping they would take his mind off Alexander Hamilton.

**( 9:30 ) PeggyIsTheBestest: well done babe. Laf and Herc r here and they r saying they won't leave till u get here x**

**( 9:45 ) PeggyIsTheBestest: plz tell me ur coming here after class x**

**( 9:55 ) PeggyIsTheBestest: Lafs scaring customers babe come get him**

**( 9:57 ) PeggyIsTheBestest: he's decided to help me make coffee x see u soon xx**

John laughed as he read Peggy's texts. She had been the one to change her name in his phone. She'd stolen it one night, and only gave it back to him after changing her name and his screensaver to a picture of her and him. They'd taken it last Christmas. There had been mistletoe above The Grind's door and as soon as John had stepped through, Peggy had run over into his arms and kissed him, all while taking a photo. John was smiling in the picture, laughing under the kiss as he held Peggy. Peggy could always make him laugh. Peggy was safe. Reliable.

As John made his way out of the building, he scrolled down to read Lafayette's texts. He'd sent them on the group chat and Laurens smiled to himself as he opened them.

**( 9:25 ) Baguette: Yo get ur ass to the grind after ur boring af lecture Laurens**

**( 9:32 ) Baguette: where u at mon ami**

**( 9:40 ) Baguette: when does ur lecture end**

**( 9:48 ) Baguette: oh oui ten to**

**( 9:56 ) Baguette: ami im gonna make some coffee**

Laurens sighed and texted a quick reply to Laf.

**( 10:02 ) John: be there in two**

John shoved his phone in his pocket before he ran across the road, waving politely to the car that stopped for him. He leapt up onto the sidewalk, and made his way towards The Grind. He could see it even from here, it's massive sign of a mug hanging above the shop. The Grind had been his group's hangout since they'd started at NYU. Only across the street from the hall where Laurens had most of his lecturers it was convenient. Peggy had worked there for about a year, roughly the same amount of time John'd been going out with her. It was good to have Peggy work there, she gave them free coffee when her boss wasn't watching.

John hurried up, the October cold starting to bite at his fingers. He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked faster, the fall leaves crunching under his converse. When he got to The Grind, he sighed. Charles Lee was leaning on the window, talking to someone on the phone. John hoped that Lee wouldn't notice him and he could just sneak in, avoiding confrontation, but that unfortunately, did not happen. It seemed confrontation seemed to follow Laurens.

When Lee saw Laurens, he hissed something into the phone before hanging up and shoving the phone into his jacket pocket, glaring at John.

"Laurens," He spat, his jaw clenching, his dark eyes gleaming.

John rolled his eyes and tried to push past Charles. But Charles' arm shot out, blocking the door. John turned to face him, scowling. "What are you doing Lee? What do you want?"

"Your demise." John rolled his eyes again and tried to push past Lee's arm. "And your hot girlfriend."

John and Charles had gone to the same high school in South Carolina, after Lee had moved there from England. They'd hated each other from the very start. Only a week into knowing each other, they'd fought. John had won, no surprise there. John was well built, a soccer player whereas Lee was just a lanky idiot. Lee hadn't given up though, he'd tried to fight back, but John had pinned him down and started punching. He'd been suspended, but it had been worth it. Lee had been talking shit about one of Laurens' friends and Laurens wasn't going to let that slide. That had been the only time John's dad had been proud of him, for beating someone up.

You could imagine John's reaction when he'd found out that Lee would be attending the same university as him. It hadn't been good. Since their first year here, Lee had been pining after Peggy. You could imagine his reaction when he'd found out that she went out with John. It hadn't been good.

John growled, "What the fuck did you just say?”

Lee smirked, not moving from his position. "You heard me. Your girlfriend. The hot one, she's pretty damn-"

John didn't know why he did it. Maybe because Lee was talking about Peggy, or maybe just because his hatred for Lee was so unbelievable. Before Lee could finish talking, John's fist connected with the side of his face.

"What the hell man?" Lee spat out bright blood onto the sidewalk. The pedestrians around them didn't say anything, just kept walking, ignoring the two young boys, allowing them to fight. 

"Get out of here," John said, fists still clenched. "Get the fuck out."

Lee stayed for a moment but obviously decided he wasn't in the mood for a brawl with John because he just smirked and with a "Fuck you Laurens." walked off, rubbing his face gingerly.

John watched him go before he sighed, and jaw clenched, opened the door to The Grind, the ringing bell a comfort. It was practically empty, just a few students sitting about talking softly as they drank their coffee.

He noticed Laf instantly, his dark curly hair up in a bun. He was lounging on a sofa, coffee cup in hand. Hercules was sitting in a chair next to him, on his phone. John smiled and started to walk towards them when he heard someone call his name from behind him. He turned and saw Peggy, smiling brightly, behind the counter. He walked over to her, and as he leaned on the counter to kiss her.

"Hello Miss Schuyler," He said, half whispering. He held his hand out and she slipped hers into it, unable to mask her smile. John liked when Peggy smiled, so he tried to get her to as often as he could.

"Why hello Mr Laurens," She smirked as he kissed her hand. It was only when Peggy blushed and looked down when he realised that his hand had turned into a purple, bloody mess.

"Shit John. What happened to you?" She asked, worry painting her pretty face. 

John shrugged, looking down, trying to tear his hand away from Peggy, but she kept his hand in hers, gripping it. "Babe, what happened?"

"Lee," Was all John had to growl for Peggy to realise what had happened.

"You punched him. _Again John_? You know-" 

Peggy was caught off by Lafayette, slapping John's back. "John, how good of you to join us." John rolled his eyes, but inside he was glad for the distraction from Peggy.

"Shut up," John grinned as he greeted his friend.

"Hey, Peg get me a..."

Peggy shot a look at John which told him that they weren't finished this conversation, but turned to Lafayette. "The usual. I know you Laf." She turned around and went to pulling and shoving at the massive copper machines, smoke and noises trembling out of them.

Laf smiled at Peggy before he ruffled John's curly hair. "You've got a good one there John." 

John smiled softly, looking at Peggy as she made the drinks, her thin frame almost dancing around, her black skirt floating. "Yeah. I know." But John's stomach clenched as he said it and his mind went to Alexander Hamilton, and he didn't know why. He didn't question it, just shoved the thoughts out of his head.

Laf and John made their way over to Hercules. Laf fell back down onto the sofa and John sat down next to him, leaning back into a cushion and sighed. "It's so fucking early," John muttered, rubbing his eyes and yawning. 

"Yeah," Herc said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Too early for you to already be punching people John."

"What? I-" John stuttered. 

Hercules rolled his eyes and pointed to the window next to him. "Windows John. They mean you can see what's happening outside." John rolled his eyes and nursed his fist, hissing in pain.

"Why didn't either of you help me then?" John asked, half joking, half not.

"You had it under control, mon ami fougueux," Laf laughed from his seat.

John was about to agree, and say that it wasn't a big deal when Peggy came over, giving Laf his mug before practically throwing ice at John. She looked at him for a second, her eyes scrutinising him before she twirled and made her way back to the counter. "Thanks," John muttered, even though he knew that she couldn't hear him.

"Man, you are so..." Hercules started, but John stopped listening because the one and only Alexander Hamilton had just walked into The Grind, talking (well, it actually looked like arguing) with Aaron Burr. Well, shit. John thought, so much for trying to forget about him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The geography for the uni is probably very wrong, I've never been to NYC, although I'd love to go, I'm from the Uk so let's just ignore the real NYU campus layout thanks. 
> 
> Comments and such are pretty nice x


	3. Well, if it ain’t the prodigy of NYU, Aaron Burr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lafayette’s the best. Woo, I love that guy. He’s so cool with his French accent."
> 
> Everyone meets Alex. Laf pisses off Aaron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to update this because where the hell did the ice John had go? Fixed it :)

JOHN

John watched as Alex and Burr talked, subconsciously pushing the ice down on his fist too hard, causing him to yelp in pain. He cringed as fireworks of pain splintered through his fist, before he looked up at Herc who had stopped talking and was now looking at the counter, where Burr and Alex were talking.

"Guys. _Burr’s_ here."

John gulped and sunk down lower into the sofa, hoping he could hide from Alex, at the same time Lafayette sat up and looked, his face falling into a dramatic sigh of exasperation.

"Great," He rolled his eyes. "Aaron _talk less, smile more, I don’t have any opinions, please don't hit me,_  Burr is in the building."

John started chewing on his lip, he did that when he was anxious. Then he asked himself why he was nervous, and when he realised that his answer was Alexander, he rolled his eyes at himself. He shouldn’t be nervous, that was stupid. But even as he told himself that, the sinking feeling in his stomach didn’t leave. In fact, as Lafayette stood up, coffee mug in hand, mischievous smirk on his face, it grew.

"What the fuck are you doing?" John hissed, trying to pull his friend back down by the cuff of his hoodie. Lafayette looked at him suspiciously before he shook John off.

"Giving Peg my mug back. Calme, mon ami." And with that, Laf walked over to Peggy (and Alexander and Aaron) leaving a confused Hercules and a John that was swearing colourfully at the situation.

John peeked over the edge of the sofa to see Peggy rolling her eyes and trying her best to ignore Laf as Aaron ordered his drink. Since The Grind was practically empty, save a couple people here and there, John could here everything that was being said.

Lafayette was loudly whispering as he looked straight at Burr. "Lafayette’s the best. Woo, I love that guy. He’s so cool with his French accent." Peggy giggled and tried to shove Laf away but he didn’t budge, he just leaned down on the counter by his elbows, grinning. "Woo, he’s so handsome. Anyone would be lucky to sit beside him in _French Lit class_." At that statement Burr rolled his eyes, and turned to face Laf. Even though Laf was the same height as Burr, he seemed taller. Maybe it was his presence, or maybe it was how he held himself with such confidence that John could only dream of.

“I was _made_ to sit next to you in that class, I’m not _lucky_. And why are you even taking it? You _are_ french.”

Laf didn’t deign Burr a reply, he just smiled before he loudly whispered, in the same tone as before, "Burr sucks. Boo."

Aaron rolled his eyes and turned around, and when he saw John and Hercules watching them he sighed, and turned back to Laf, who was talking. John couldn’t hear what they were saying anymore because he was too focused on Alexander. He (thankfully) hadn’t noticed John sitting there yet so John decided not to push his luck as he crouched back down, hiding behind the couch as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Man, what is wrong with you today?” Herc asked, eyebrow raised. John sighed, really not wanting to get into it, and thankfully he didn’t have to as he heard Aaron say in a condescending tone, “I see the whole gang is here.” Herc heard it aswell, and he jumped up off his seat, making his way over to Laf, Peggy, Aaron and...Alexander. John sighed and muttered, _shit_ , under his breath before he jumped up aswell, following Hercules, gripping the bag of ice so forcefully he though he might break the cubes.

He didn’t let himself look at Alex as they made their way over, keeping his eyes furiously trained on Aaron.

"Well, if it ain't the prodigy, Aaron Burr?" John asked, arms folded and brows raised. “You wanna drop some knowledge?”

Aaron sighed and looked up at John before saying, "You three talk so much that even if I wanted to get a word in, I couldn’t."

Laf rolled his eyes before he pushed himself off of the counter, lightly swaying the mug by the handle on his little finger. Peggy grabbed the mug and put it safely away before she handed Burr and Alex both a take away cup. Then she gestured to the ice that John was holding, holding open her hand. John sighed, and lightly chucked her the ice. She bend down and opened a fridge, and placed the ice in. Sighing with relief, she slammed her right hand onto the counter and untied the apron around her waist with her other hand. "My shift is now officially over for the day." She hung her apron up on the hangers and unbound her curly hair as made her way over to John.

She smiled up at him, although something was bothering her, he could tell (probably his fist), but she didn’t say anything, just wrapped an arm around John’s waist and leaned into him.

John didn’t think he was breathing.

He let himself look at Alex, who happened to be looking at him, eyebrow arched. "Hi turtle," He said, smiling.

John gulped and ran his fingers through his hair. "Hi," He managed to get out.

"You know this kid?" Herc asked, eyes still narrowed at Burr. John nodded, his green eyes not leaving Alex’s dark ones. He opened his mouth, once again searching for words to come out of his fucking useless mouth. He stood there, gawping before he felt a squeeze on his waist. He looked down and saw Peggy, looking up at him, perfect eyebrow raised.

John lightly shook his head, telling himself to sort himself out as he said, "Uh yeah, we’ve got political science together. Washington's class."

Laf nodded, finally smiling at Alex."Ah, I took that last year, pretty, how you say, how you say..." Laf trailed off and scratched the back of his neck. "Uh... _ennuyeux_?" He looked up at Hercules who translated. 

"Boring."

"Ah, oui, oui. _Boring._ Bor...ing."

John smiled, Laf's english had gotten a lot better over the last year, but sometimes he forgot some words. "You gonna tell us your name then, non?" He asked Alex, who was looking at John. John gulped and his eyes wandered down to Peggy, who was looking up at John suspiciously.

”Alexander Hamilton,” He smiled brightly up at Laf. "People just call me Alex, though."

John realised he liked Alex’s smile. It shined through his whole face in the way that his eyes crinkled, his nose scrunched and you could see his perfectly straight teeth. “Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette," Laf said, practically grinning ear to ear, as he made grand gestures with his hand as he said his name. Alex looked up at him and slowly nodded. “Just call me Lafayette though. And this is Hercules.” Herc was still staring at Alex, obviously not decided if he was fine yet. Finally he let out a sigh and offered him his hand, which Alex took, smiling.

John _really_ liked his smile.

”Peggy,” Peggy said to Alex. Smiling as she held out her hand. To everyone else it probably seemed like a normal, happy girl smile but John knew Peggy, and he knew that it wasn’t a genuine smile, not a trademark Peggy smile. He looked down at her as Laf and Herc started to talk to Alex.

She was staring at Alex, her light eyes watching him, scrutenizing him as if deciding when to attack. John’s breath hitched in his throat, but he pushed that aside and, breathing deeply, he pulled Peggy into him, wrapping his arm around her and kissing her forehead.

“You okay?” He asked softly. She looked up at him and hit him with it, there it was, the Peggy smile.

“Yeah, of course. I’m fine.”

”Burr?” Alexander asked, looking around, but Burr wasn’t there. They all looked around, and it was Laf that spotted him sitting at the bookshelf, sipping his coffee.

“Why were you even with that dick?” Herc asked, scowling.

“I uh...I heard his name around, I just wanted to ask him something...but. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ll talk to him later.”

”Wanna sit with us?”

John didn’t know why he said it and as soon as he saw Peggy’s questioning face, he wished he hadn’t. But as soon as John asked, Laf started backing it up, demanding that Alex sit with them. Alex agreed, smiling, as he gripped his coffee cup.

John started to walk with his friends, back to the table where they'd been sitting but someone grabbed his wrist, causing him to stop. He turned to see Peggy, looking up at him. "You said you'd walk me to my dorm, John."

John was pretty sure he hadn't said that, but he shrugged and agreed to, he had to start his essay about Picasso anyway. "Let me just go grab my bag." 

Peggy smiled softly and nodded, squeezing his hand before she grabbed her yellow raincoat, and said, "I'll wait for you outside babe."

"Sure," He said absently. He watched as she smiled back at him before she pushed open the door, pulling her hood up to protect her hair from the rain that had started. "Shit," John murmured, he didn't have a jacket with him, and when his hair got wet it went all frizzy. He sighed and trudged over to his friends. "I told Peggy I'd walk her home, sorry guys."

Herc shrugged before he threw John's satchel to him. John caught it, grunting a bit at the force, he knew Herc didn't mean it, he just didn't know how strong he was. 

"Non, you didn't," Laf said, eyebrow raised as he leaned forward on the sofa. Alex was sitting down next to him, watching John silently. 

John pulled his satchel onto his shoulder as he looked down at Lafayette. "What?"

"You didn't say you'd walk her home. I've been with her all morning."

John shrugged, too tired to argue. His phone rang inside his pocket, and he pulled it out, turning away from his friends. 

"Hi Martha," He said, putting on a happy voice. 

"John!" His sister said, and John could practically hear the smile in her voice. "Just wanted to check in with you. How are you?"

John smiled softly, sitting down on the sofa in-between Alex and Laf. "I'm fine." There was a pause, when Martha waited for John to elaborate but he didn't say anything else. There wasn't anything to add, he _was_ fine. Just fine.

"I miss you." He heard Martha say softly.

John gulped, suddenly feeling very awkward between Alex and Laf. "Yeah, I miss you too Martha. I do...it's just...you know...with dad. I'm not coming back till the summer. I think."

There was a slight pause on Martha's side before she spoke, "Yeah. I know. I'm not going to try and convince you otherwise. But I wanted you to know that _I_ love you and _I_ miss you."

John smiled, suddenly missing Martha a lot. She was the only one in that house that he could stand, she'd gotten him through... _life_ in South Carolina. "Love you too. I'll talk to you later okay?"

"Okay," Martha sighed before she said, "Love you." again and hung up. 

John sighed, it was only like ten, and he was all ready tired of today. He looked at his phone for a moment, the picture of Martha smiling up at him. He groaned as he slid his phone into his pocket and stood up. It was only when he stood up and saw Laf, Hercules and Alex awkwardly sitting there, he realised that maybe he should've taken that call outside. "Okay, bye guys," He said as he started to make his way out of The Grind.

"Drop by mine tonight," Laf called after him. "Bring food and Peggy."

John shook his head, smiling, and called back, not turning around, "Whatever."

He pushed open the door and smiled down at Peggy as he wrapped his arm around her. "Lez' go."

Peggy smiled as they started to walk to her dorm, and John tried to push the thoughts of his family and South Carolina out of his head.


	4. This Kid Is Insane, Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The english branleur?"
> 
> Alex, Laf and Herc have a lols together.

ALEX

Alex liked Lafayette and Hercules. They were really funny, and smart. They were nice. Alex was sitting next to Lafayette, laughing as the frenchman mocked his professors. Hercules was sitting on a chair next to them, listening absently as he flicked through a book, laughing softly whenever Lafayette made a joke. Hercules was extremely tall and well-built and Alex had expected him to be some...dumb meathead. But he was pretty quiet, and seemed content just reading his book.

The Grind was pretty cool. It had massive sofas of all different colours laid out, decorative cushions and throws strewn all over them. Shelves full of books lined the brick walls, and if Alex had been here alone he would definitely be racking through them, searching for something to read. There were plants growing everywhere, bright, green and blooming. Alex watched one of the baristas wander around, watering all the different plants.

Each barista seemed to have a different coloured apron. Peggy's - Lafayette, Hercules and John's friend (although Alex was pretty sure her and John were going out) - apron had been yellow, which had complemented her dark skin and dark curls. Peggy seemed nice too, but Alex got the impression that she didn't like him. 

"So," Alex asked, "Are you guys roommates?" Lafayette shook his head, sighing dramatically as he threw his arms over the back of the red sofa. 

Lafayette rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, before he smirked over at Hercules. "Non, mon ami, I live in an apartment on my own. Hercules here, shares a dorm with some guy that's not as funny or as good looking as me. What's his name again, Herc?" 

Hercules looked up from his book, rolling his dark eyes, "Sam something something. He's okay. Doesn't talk. I'm pretty sure he's mates with John's roommate. That George guy."

Lafayette rolled his eyes, "The english _branleur_?" 

Hercules nodded as he shut his book and placed it down on the coffee table in front of them. "Yeah. I think they're both in Lee's group."

Lafayette sighed, itching the back of his neck. " _Lee_?" Alex asked, curious as to why Hercules had said the name with such disgust.

"Charles Lee," Lafayette said, as if that answered Alex's question. Hercules rolled his eyes at his friend and leaned forward in his chair, moving closer to Alex.

"Did you see John's hand?" He asked, eyebrow raised, as he twiddled his fingers.

He had, in fact, seen the black and blue, bloody mess that was John's fist. When he'd seen John holding the ice against his fist, he'd wondered what happened, but when John'd given Peggy the bag, Alex'd had to keep in a gasp. He knew John's hand certainly hadn't looked like that during the lecture. 

As Alex remembered the lecture that had taken place about two hours ago, he smiled softly to himself. The start had been awkward, especially when John hadn't noticed him standing there for about four whole minutes. John seemed like the type of person who didn't like meeting new people. He gave of that impression. Not necessarily a rude impression, he just looked like he was fine on his own mind and space, and if there had been any other empty seats in the room, Alex would've left him to it.

They hadn't talked during class, but that was all on Alex. He'd been so focused during that lecture. Every single thing that had come out of Washington's mouth had been fascinating. Alex couldn't help but copy it all down, aswell as noting down his own opinions on the subject. 

He'd been embarrassed when John had had to pull him out of his studying reverie. But then when John had said 'turtles' he'd relaxed. John had blushed, and it had made his freckles even more prominent. Alex liked freckles.

He tore himself out of his daydream and nodded at Hercules, "Yeah I saw. What happened?"

Hercules pursed his lips as if debating whether to tell Alex. He probably didn't want to betray his friend, but he ultimately went with telling Alex. "John punched Lee in the face today, like ten minutes before you showed up."

Alex raised an eyebrow and gave a huff of amusement. John didn't seem like the type of person to get into fights. "He didn't look like he'd been in a fight," He remarked, and he was telling the truth. Apart from his fist, John had looked fine. Better than fine.

Lafayette smirked, a hint of pride gleaming on his face, "Because he didn't get into a _fight_ , Lee's too scared of Laurens. I mean, have you seen John? He's a soccer player. Lee apparently tried to fight him once and didn't even manage to get a punch in. The kid's insane. In a good way."

Alex raised an eyebrow, for some reason that he couldn't quite place he was impressed. "Why'd he punch him?" He asked.

Lafayette rolled his eyes and Hercules shrugged, "Lee's a dick. He probably said something to rile John up. John...uh...he's... _reckless_...in a way. Ridiculously brave, and smart and kind and all that. But...he's pretty reckless."

"I think it stems from his loyalty," Lafayette said. "He's like a golden retriever. A golden retriever that would like...punch someone that talked shit about his friends."

Alex smiled and went to talk, but his phone beeped. He looked down at his screen to see a text from his roommate.

**( 10:32 ) Thomas J: Won't be at the dorm today or tonight**

**( 10:33 ) Thomas J: Don't touch my stuff**

Alex rolled his eyes at his phone but didn't reply. His roommate was already annoying him and he'd only talked to him once (bar these texts).

"Who is it?" Lafayette asked, playing with the tassels on the cushion on his lap. 

"Roommate," Alex sighed, turning his phone off. "He's not coming back to the dorm. This is probably a good time to start some work." He said as he picked up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. "I'll see you around guys." He made to leave but Lafayette called after him.

"Hey, man."

Alex turned around, running a tired hand through his hair.

"Yeah?" He asked as Lafayette stood up off of the sofa and walked over to him. 

"Gimme your phone." He didn't ask, but rather stated. Alex smiled nervously as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Lafayette. Unsure of why he trusted him.

He watched him type  quickly before he handed it back, grinning. "What did you do?" Alex asked suspiciously.

"Put me and Herc's numbers into your phone. I would've given you John's but I can never remember it. Drop by mine tonight, I'll text you the address."

Alex smiled, happy that he had found some genuinely nice people on his first day here. "Yeah, okay sure. See you later then."

Lafayette nodded, as he said bye and Hercules waved from his seat. Alex sighed, happy as he pushed open the door, welcomed by the cold wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mah god they were roommates


	5. I See The Whole Gang Is Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We're using actual bowls this time? Classy."
> 
> Laf throws a party. John gets tongue-tied.

JOHN

John arrived at Laf's apartment before anyone else. He knocked on the red, wooden door, struggling to hold the bottle of diet Coke, the bag of popcorn and the jar of Fluff. Laf opened the door, grinning, and John shoved the food he was carrying into Laf's arms. "Hey!" Laf protested.

"I carried it up the whole damn stairwell. Why do you have to live at the top?" John asked as he made his way into Laf's kitchen.

Laf grumbled incoherent french as he carried the food in and dropped it on the kitchen island before he said, "Best view of the city."

"I still can't believe you have a whole apartment to yourself," John remarked, amazed, as he pulled himself up onto a stool at the breakfast bar. 

"My offer still stands, mon ami. Move in with me," Lafayette said, bending down, as he pulled out bowls from the bottom cupboards. Laf hadn't changed, he was still in his dark jeans and a oversized red t-shirt from this morning. His hair was down and Laf kept blowing it out of his face.

"We're using actual bowls this time? Classy." John smirked as he watched Laf empty various bags of chips into bowls. 

Laf rolled his eyes, " _Tais-toi_. Shut up. And don't try and change the subject, Laurens."

"I could never afford the rent Laf," John sighed as he leaned his head on the wooden countertop."I don't have a job yet."

"Uh, oui, you could," Laf said, eyebrows raised, as he pulled out cans of coke and beer. "If you actually used any of the money in your account you could definitely afford the rent."

John lifted his head off of the counter to throw Laf an exasperated look, "Man, you _know_ I can't use the money in that account."

His friend turned around, pulling glasses out of the tall drawers, trying not to drop them. " _Can't_ or _won't?_ " He asked, and John could hear the irritation creeping into his tone. Laf just didn't understand, and John didn't blame him for that. He didn't get annoyed when Laf or Peggy got irritated (well, as irritated as Laf and Peggy could get, which wasn't very) at him because of his money.

John was well off, _really_ well off actually, he could admit that just fine. He just didn't like _using_ the money, because it all came from his dad. And John hated his dad, and he was pretty sure his dad hated him. So, even though his dad kept flowing in money from home into John's account, John only used what he needed. That's why whenever Laf saw John's wardrobe he gave an exasperated sigh and said, "Mon ami, you _need_ new clothes."

John answered Laf, after he yawned and stretched his arms out. " _Can't_ , Laf. That's literally what I just said." Laf turned around, frowning as he pulled his hair into a bun. "I _can't_ use the money he gives me. It would kill me."

Laf gave a sigh of defeat, and nodded. "I could pay for you anyway, I'm already paying for all of it at the moment."

Laurens smiled at the kind gesture but shook his head as he tapped his fingers on the wood counter. "Come on, Laf, you know I wouldn't like that."

Laf rolled his eyes as he rolled the sleeves of his t-shirt up. "And you know I wouldn't give a fuck."

John smiled before he asked Laf if he needed any help. His friend just shook his head and said John could just chill in the living room. John nodded and pushed himself off of the stool and made his way to the living room, carrying the bowls of chips and dips. As he left he called back to Laf, "Peggy's coming by the way, she's coming with her sisters."

"Okay," Laf shouted from the kitchen. "I'm gonna make us some pizzas," He said, in a bad, fake italian accent.

John loved Laf's apartment, but he could never live here. The rent _would_ be a lot, but he _could_ afford it, if he wanted. He'd love living here, he'd trade George for Lafayette in a heartbeat. But John would never let his dad have that over him, so John would just put up with George and his annoying accent.

John threw himself onto Laf's sofa, letting himself fall into it. John could fall asleep on Laf's black sofas in a second. He grabbed the remote from the coffee table and pulled Netflix up on the TV. He flicked, aimlessly, through the films until the door bell went. "Can you get that John?" Laf shouted from the kitchen.

John sighed as he pushed himself off of the sofa, and sluggishly made his way to the door. He passed Laf on his way - he was running around the kitchen, swearing under his breath in french as he pulled open the oven, smoke coming out. 

John was about to ask him if he needed help when the bell went again. "JOHN!" Laf shouted, unaware that John was standing right behind him. 

"Got it," John laughed as he pulled open the door. He was met with Hercules and Eliza, the former holding a bag of chips, the latter's arms laden with blankets. 

"Hey," Herc said at the same time Eliza said, hello John.

"Hi guys. Laf's burning his apartment down."

They both laughed as John moved out of the way for them. "Where's Peggy?" John asked Eliza as they walked to the living room, leaving Herc to help Laf and his pizza disaster in the kitchen. "I though she was getting a lift from you."

Eliza smiled as she set down the blankets on one of Laf's sofas. "She was, but I was in the library and saw Herc, and he offered me a ride. I'm pretty sure she'll just get a taxi over." 

"Oh, cool," John said, running his hand along the soft blankets. "I'll give her a lift back then." John didn't have a car, but he'd brought his motorbike over from South Carolina and Peggy loved when he gave her a lift on it.

"Jefferson was in the library," Eliza said, rubbing her hands together as she sat down. John sat next to her, groaning. 

"What was he moaning about today?" He smirked. Eliza giggled, and elbowed John lightly. 

"Jefferson's not that bad."

John rolled his eyes as he leaned into the sofa. "Yeah, narcissistic, know-it-alls are great." Eliza giggled again, rolling her brown eyes. John liked Eliza. She was nice and sweet, and he'd never heard her say something mean about anyone in the year he'd known her. Her long dark hair was in a plait, and she was wearing dungarees with a light blue crop top. Her nails were painted a light blue but she was picking at them as she talked.

They sat together, laughing and joking as an occasional shot of alarm came from Lafayette in the kitchen, followed by a grunt from Hercules. The smell of smoke fluttered into the living room and it made John sneeze.

When the bell went, about ten minutes later, Laf shouted John's name again. "I'm pretty sure I'm the bell boy tonight," He said to Eliza as he stood up, stretching his arms out. Fuck, was he tired. Eliza laughed, the twinkling sound rang out around the room. 

John sighed, yawning as his fingers curled around the handle. His eyes were closed as he opened it, he stretched his arms and leaned on the threshold, feeling his t-shirt ride up but couldn't be bothered pulling it back down, "Hi babe. Eliza told me you were coming alone. I'll give you a lift back."

He yawned and opened his eyes to see Peggy staring at him, eyebrow arched.

Except it wasn't Peggy, but infact was, Alexander Hamilton. 

Alexander fucking Hamilton was standing, eyebrow arched and smirking, staring at John.

John gawped, suddenly losing his words. "Uh..." 

"Hi turtle. Thanks for the offer but I'll just walk." 


	6. "Now, why are you upset?" "I'm not."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No, PDA,"
> 
> John endures a tense party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, this would've been out earlier, I'd typed it all out and then I went and deleted it. I'm silly, I know, I know. Sorry, hope you enjoy it anyway.

JOHN

Shit, sorry. I thought you were Peggy. *laugh* Hey, now that I've embarrassed myself, come in. I'm guessing Laf invited you?

At least, that's what John meant to say, but all that came out was, "Uh...hi...I...uh...pizza."

Alex smiled up at him, eyebrow arched, hands nonchalantly in his jacket pockets. "Sorry if I'm early, I didn't know what time to show. Lafayette invited me."

John shook his head lightly, chewing his bottom lip as he stared down at Alex. "I...uh..." He struggled, his useless mouth once again rendering him speechless. 

"Can I come in?" He asked softly, dark eyes twinkling up at John. John felt himself blush, he opened his mouth again, but shut it when he couldn't come up with anything meaningful to say. He just went with a nod, and sidestepped out of the way, letting Alex through. As he walked past, John held his breath. When he heard Laf shout Alex's name in greeting, he made his way out into the devoid hallway, shutting the door behind him. He breathed out as the door clicked shut behind him. 

"Fuck," John swore as he made his way over to the massive window in the hallway. He pushed it open forcefully, and it groaned under the weight. He breathed out deeply, as he let the the cold air blow in his face. The orange, manufactured light shone from lampposts, illuminating the people in New York City below. There were people walking their dogs, drunk students laughing and stumbling around and couples walking hand-in-hand. 

Laf's apartment was the only one on this level, and John was grateful that strangers couldn't hear him swearing out of the window. After a couple of minutes of groaning and cursing out of the open window, John sighed and slid down the wall, sitting on the floor. He pulled his knees up and let his head, which felt heavier that normal, fall onto his knees.

He looked down at his fist, it hadn't really changed from this morning, was just a bit darker and he'd wiped the blood off. John sat on the hard, gold ground for a couple of minutes, cringing at himself, until Peggy and Angelica turned up, confused as to why John was sitting in the hallway alone.

"What are you doing, babe?" Peggy bend down, and put her hands on his knees. John looked up at her, throwing her a soft smile as he shook his head. 

"Needed some air, I just felt a bit sick." Peggy looked at him anxiously as she placed the back of her hand on his forehead. 

"You're freezing babe." John just shrugged, and let Peggy pull him up. He looked over at Angelica who was gazing suspiciously at John. He gulped and looked away, feeling the redness in his face rise. Angelica pushed open the door with her shoulder, and beelined straight for the living room, shooting a hi to Laf, who was in the kitchen.

John shut the door behind them, still holding Peggy's hand. He stopped in the kitchen, smiling at Laf who was throwing blackened pizzas into the trash. Peggy tugged lightly at John's hand, raising an eyebrow at him in question.

"I'ma help Laf in the kitchen." 

"Sure." She beamed her Peggy smile up at him and, letting go of his hand she made her way into the living room. John laughed softly as he heard Herc shout 'PEGGY!' from the living room. John guessed that Hercules was already smashed. 

Laf turned to face John. Laf sighed before he said, "Fuck this, we're ordering Dominos."

John shrugged, he wasn't going to argue against pizza. As Laf pulled out his phone and dialled, John made his way over to the sink and poured himself a glass of water. He leaned against the tiled wall and sipped the water as he watched Laf order way too much pizza. He already knew that they weren't going to finish it, and that it would end up in Laf's fridge for a week. 

He sighed and ran a tired hand through his hair as he leaned back and swung one ankle over the other casually. When he saw Laf pull out his wallet, John shook his head and whispered, "Hey Laf, I have money," as he pulled out a crumpled twenty from his back pocket. 

Laf rolled his eyes and shook his head, "Casse-toi," He whispered back as he turned around and opened the fridge, still talking on the phone. John sighed and shoved the twenty behind the toaster, hopefully Laf would find it later and not realise that John had put it there.

John downed the water as Laf finished the call. "Why were you out there for so long, mon ami?" He asked, eyebrow arched.

"I...uh...wanted to wait for Peg," He lied. 

"Sure," Laf narrowed his eyes at John and searched his face, as if he could find the truth on John's face. 

"What, it's true!" John protested. Laf rolled his eyes.

"You scratch the back of your neck when you lie, mon ami." John scowled, and let his arm fall down to his side.

He didn't try and argue, but he also didn't tell Laf the truth. "Why did you invite Alex?" He asked, lowering his voice.

Laf arched an eyebrow before he shrugged, "He's cool. When you left with Peggy," He shot an accusing look at John. "He sat with me and Herc. He's funny. And _really_ smart."

John thought back to that morning's lecture, when Alex had written and noted the whole time, not pausing once. "Yeah, I know," He muttered. 

"Why are you so upset?" Laf asked, pulling at one of his curls, eyebrow arched so far it looked like it was going to fly off his head.

"I'm not," John said, scowling, as his hands flew around. "I'm not _upset._ "

Laf smirked and nodded as they both walked into the living room. Herc was slouched on one of the sofas, laughing, beer can in hand. Eliza and Alex were sitting on a sofa together, talking quietly. They were both smiling and Eliza's hand was on Alex's arm, and it made John's heart pang. 

Peggy was sitting on the floor, legs in a cross, leaning against the sofa Eliza and Alex were on. She smiled up at John and he smiled back, but didn't move from the doorway. 

Laf yawned as he lay on the sofa Angelica was on, his face only an inch away from her. Angelica sighed and shuffled away, but Laf moved over, smirking up at her. John was pretty sure Laf had been in love with Angelica the minute he'd set eyes on her, but she didn't give him the time of day.

"I ordered pizza. It'll be here in a while," he said, reaching up to ping one of Angelica's curls.

"I thought you were making us some?" Angelica asked, eyebrow arched, unimpressed.

Laf shook his head, and beamed up at her, "Mon chère Angelica, someone as good looking as moi, should not be _cooking_."

Everyone laughed (bar Angelica, who moved onto the arm of the sofa, trying to escape Lafayette's coquettish smirk), John smiled softly as he leaned in the threshold.

He stayed there as he watched his friends debate about which film to watch. They finally settled on It (the original), and John watched as Herc pulled it up on Laf's massive TV. Lafayettes's family was loaded, he was apparently related to the french royalty somehow, (he hadn't told John the full story yet), that was how he could afford his massive apartment while he was at college.

John loitered in the doorway until Peggy beckoned him over. He sat next to her, leaning against the sofa. They sat like that for a couple of minutes until Peggy shimmied onto John's lap. He let her, needing to feel the warmth of his girlfriend. 

Whenever a jumpscare happened, John felt Peggy tense up and he felt her breathing get heavier. He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her and she calmed down a bit, leaning into him. 

John _hated_ horror movies, but he wasn't going to let himself look like a tool in front of his girlfriend, so he sat on his phone, eating pizza and Pringles and trying to ignore the film. But when the fucking clown popped up, John swore colourfully, his heart beating fast as he dropped the chips. He cursed, as he pulled the blanket off of Eliza and Alex, who both protested, and pulled it over his head. 

He ignored the laughs of his friends as he felt his face go red. Peggy pulled the blanket over her head aswell, moving closer to John as they both sat under the blanket, it was like a tent. She placed her arms around his neck and pressed her forehead against his.

"You okay?" She asked softly.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," He whispered back as she placed her hands on his face. "I-" He started but was cut off by Peggy kissing him. He resisted at first but soon kissed her back. They kissed until the blanket was pulled off of them.

They pulled apart as Laf stared down at them, "No, PDA."

Peggy laughed and John rolled his eyes, pulling the blanket back over them, but he didn't kiss Peggy for the rest of the night.

When the movie finished, Peggy left with her sisters. 

"I can give you a lift back," He said softly as Peggy held his hand. They were standing in the hallway together, Peggy just about to leave.

"Thanks, but Angelica's just going to drop me and Eliza off on her way." John nodded, and kissed her forehead before he dropped her hand. She waved to him before she ran down the stairs, following her sisters.

"Hey John!" Laf called from the living room. John watched Peggy get to the bottom of the stairs before he went back inside, shutting the door behind him. 

"Yeah?" He asked as he stood in the threshold, arms folded. Hercules was sitting next to Alex and they were both laughing hysterically about something.

"Wanna stay over? Alex and Herc are. Herc's absolutely wasted," Laf asked, turning around to look at John.

John didn't particularly want to go back to his dorm to be greeted with stupid George and his stupid accent, so he agreed and fell onto the sofa next to Laf. They flicked aimlessly through the TV as the four of them talked and laughed. John yawned, today had been a very long day. That's how he ended up crashing on Laf's couch, his face lying on a slice of margarita pizza. 


	7. When He Was Ten His Father Split

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dad's a dick."
> 
> John and Alex work together.

JOHN

The Friday party at Laf's became a weekly thing. Everyone went, and sometimes the person Herc or Laf was seeing that week would tag along. It was the same thing every week. Pizza, chips, beer, film and then Alex and John, and sometimes Herc, would stay over at Laf's.

A month had gone past since John had met Alex, and since then, Alex had become one of John's closest friends.

John no longer stumbled over his words in front of him, or blushed whenever he talked. Alex and John talked during Political Science, and then they went to The Grind together after, sometimes meeting with Laf and Herc, sometimes just chilling the two of them. It turned out that Alex had some classes with Laf, and he had one with Hercules too. 

John was seeing less and less of Peggy, some weeks he only saw her on Friday, at Laf's. He knew he should be trying to make more of an effort but he didn't. He blamed it on his schedule, but he knew it was _him_. As he sat in Political Science, ignoring Washington's droning voice, he told himself that he'd call Peggy after class. Sighing and trying to shove Peggy out of his head, he picked up his pen and started doodling in the margin of his page. He ended up drawing for the whole class, not listening to Washington at all. He drew Peggy, but when he got to her facial features, he couldn't draw her bright smile, he couldn't draw her happy eyes, so he just left her as a faceless person and moved on. He drew Martha, Laf, Herc and Alex, completely forgetting where he was and who was sitting next to him. 

"John."

He dropped his biro in surprise and looked up. Class was over and he hadn't even realised. He and Alex were the only students left in the room and as John looked down to the front, he saw Washington watching him and Alex, curious and eyebrow raised.

He'd missed the _whole_ lecture. Shit, he'd have to copy Alex's notes later, and that boy did not know how to summarise.

Alex was looking at him eyebrow raised, before his dark eyes went to John's drawings. John blushed and covered the page with his laptop, before he started packing up, shoving his drawings into his bag.

"The Grind?" Alex asked as they made their way out of the room. Washington smiled at them as they left, and reminded them that they had an essay due that Friday.

John shook his head as he checked his phone, there was a text from Peggy.

**( 7:34 ) PeggyIsTheBestest: Have to cancel that date tonight babe, swamped with essays x**

John hadn't even known they'd had a date arranged for tonight. He'd reply later, he told himself as he shoved his phone away, as if hiding his phone meant that he could hide from Peggy.

"Not The Grind. It's closed remember. For repairs," John reminded him as they walked through the corridor, trying to avoid the large groups of people wandering around. 

Alex's eyes widened. "Oh yeah, shit. I forgot." They both walked out of the building, the November cold biting at John. He shuddered and pulled his hood up, trying to protect his ears from the chill. 

"Wanna go back to my dorm?" He asked Alex. "I mean, George went back to England this week, something about a family emergency. So the dorm will be empty anyway." Alex looked up at John, then clenched his jaw, and looked up to the right. 

The first time he'd done this, John had thought he'd pissed him off. But it turned out this was just Alex's _thinking face_. Yeah, Alex was the type of person who had a face purely for _thinking_. John waited, arms folded until Alex smiled up at him. "Yeah, sure. You need to copy my notes down anyway."

"How did you know?" John asked as they walked through the streets. Alex rolled his eyes.

"You spent the whole time drawing Laurens. And not even doodling, like full on drawings. Your tongue was sticking out you were concentrating so much," Alex laughed, smirking up at John as they walked down the practically empty street.

"My tongue was _not_ sticking out," He rolled his eyes, begging his face to not turn red. It did.

"Yeah it was," Alex laughed again, lightly elbowing John. "I didn't know you could draw," He remarked, shoving his hands in his pockets, John guessed he was feeling the cold too.

John sighed, "Yeah, I guess I can."

"Those drawings you did were amazing, John. I mean that one of Peggy was incredible. It was of Peggy right?" He asked. "I mean it looked like her, even without her actual face."

John nodded, chewing his lip, he didn't want to talk about Peggy. Especially not with Alex. They walked in silence for a bit. It wasn't awkward though, more of a companionable quietness. John and Alex both sometimes zoned out, and when they were together they didn't feel the need to constantly talk.

John watched the sky as they walked. Their lecture on Fridays were at 7:30 in the evening, and this one had ran on. John checked his watch, it was quarter to nine already, and it would take them fifteen more minutes to get to John's dorm.

The sky was dark, since it was winter, but you still couldn't see the stars. The orange light made it seem like the middle of the day. That was one of the few things John missed about South Carolina, the stars. John had already told Martha he wasn't coming home for Christmas, she'd guessed that he wouldn't come home, but when he'd talked to her, John could tell she'd been hoping that he'd change his mind. He hadn't.

He wanted to see Martha again, he just couldn't face his dad yet. Just not yet. 

John looked down at Alex, who was humming to himself as they walked together. He wondered what Alex was doing for Christmas. He knew Alex was an orphan, and had been in the foster system since he was 12. It had come up in a drunk game of Never Have I Ever. John couldn't remember the exact question, but Laf had said something like, "Never have I ever ran away from home." 

John had gingerly taken a shot, hissing at the sour taste. Laf and Herc both knew the gist of John's history with his family, but they didn't know the full story, John still hadn't told them yet. So, when he'd taken a shot, Herc and Laf had looked at him sheepishly, their faces painted in guilt. But Alex had just raised an eyebrow at John.

"Dad's a dick," John had shrugged as he'd placed the glass back on the table. "I went back though. Couldn't leave my sister."

Alex had snorted before he'd chugged his own shot. John had furrowed his eyebrows at Alex, scratching his neck awkwardly.

"My dad's a dickhead too."

Laf was pretty drunk by then, and instead of being quiet, he'd spoken up and asked Alex, "How?"

Hercules had elbowed Laf, but Alex had just shrugged and said, "He left, when I was like ten, then my mum...eh...she got sick and uhh...she died. I was in the foster care for seven years."

The room had fallen silent, until Alex had started the game up again, and even though he was laughing, his eyes looked sad. John could tell that talking about his family changed Alex's mood dramatically.

As they walked, Alexander swore under his breath. "What?" John asked. "What's wrong?" 

Alex looked up at him, worry painting his eyes, and he shook his head. "Nothing, it's just..." He trailed off as he glanced in front of them. That's when John saw what Alex had seen, and he knew why Alex had been reluctant to tell him.

Peggy was standing, very close, to Lee. In a secluded street, alone. WITH CHARLES FUCKING LEE.

They were talking, and even though they were on the street opposite from Alex and John, John could see Peggy's face perfectly, thanks to the bright light shining down on her from the lamp post. "What the fuck?" John muttered, his fists clenching.

He was angry, sure, but John felt like something was missing. John used to like reading, and in books whenever a character got angry, their pulse raced or their heartbeat sped up. But John didn't feel anything like that. Yeah, he was angry, but John got angry _whenever_ he saw Lee.

Even though he didn't feel anything inside, his face must have been a different story. He felt something tug on his jacket, and he turned around to see Alex pulling at his arm, "Come on man, it's not worth it." 

John's jaw clenched and he shook his head, "That's _my girlfriend_ , talking to _Lee_."

John swore that when he said 'girlfriend', Alex winced, but as quickly as it happened, it disappeared, and John was left wondering if he'd imagined it. 

"Exactly, that's your girlfriend _talking_ to Lee. They're just _talking_ Laurens. Don't they share a class together, Philosophy or something? They're probably talking about that."

John nodded reluctantly, Alex was right, they did share a class, and it _was_ Philosophy. Of course Alex was right. He sighed, and nodded, "Yeah. They do."

Alex smiled up at him, and John smiled back (he couldn't help it, Alex's smile was infectious)

"I'm sure it's nothing," Alex said softly.

"Yeah. Yeah. Nothing," John muttered as they started walking again. He only looked back once, but Peggy and Lee had disappeared from where they'd been standing.

 

They got to John's dorm at ten. No-one else was in the hall as John pulled out his key and shoved it into the door. He held it open so Alex could get past. Shutting it behind him, John turned around to find Alex awkwardly standing in the middle of the room. "What are you doing?" John asked, smirking at Alex's awkwardness.

"I've uh...never been in your room before," He said and, could John believe it, Alexander Hamilton was fucking _blushing_. 

He pushed the butterflies in his stomach away as he threw his satchel on his bed. "It's pretty shit," He said as he sat on his bed and gingerly pulled his notes out. 

"It's not that bad," Alex said, laughing, as he sat on the chair at John's desk, putting his feet on the end of his bed. 

The room was pretty bad. 

John's side was practically empty, just his bed, his desk and closet. When he'd first moved in, he hadn't brought anything from South Carolina, and since he didn't want to use his credit card, he was left with a basic room. He did have a dying cactus on his bedside table that Laf had given him (to quote, spruce this shithole up a bit) but John hadn't known that cacti needed water. So the small cactus was slowly turning brown and it's spikes were falling off.

George's side, on the other hand, was chaotic. His expensive clothes were strewn everywhere, and posters of british bands, british places and just...british shit were pinned up everywhere on his side. 

Alex picked up his bag from where he'd dumped it on the floor and started rummaging through it. He pulled out his notes and lightly chucked it at John. "Copy Laurens."

The book landed in front of him and he sighed, falling onto back. "Do I have to?" He groaned, stretching his arms out.

"Do you want to pass this class?" Alex asked, eyebrow raised.

John cocked his head, pretending to ask himself if he did want to pass, even throwing in a little murmur. "Debatable," He sighed.

"That's the wrong answer, Turtle." 

John sighed, and pushed himself onto his elbows to look at Alex. "When are you going to stop calling me that?"

Alex smirked. "When you finish copying the notes."

"That's a lie."

Shrugging, Alex nodded, "Yeah, it is. I'm never going to stop." 

There was a pause as Alex pulled out his laptop, placed it on John's desk and started typing. John lay on his bed, shifting Alex's notes with his foot.

"You better start fucking copying Laurens."

John sighed but pushed himself up, grabbed the book, and scowling, leaned against the wall and started copying Alex's note into his own book. 

"Why do you write in cursive?" John asked. Twenty minutes into copying he was struggling to read Alex's wavy and curvy writing. Alex didn't reply, just kept typing. "Yo. Alex," John tried, still no answer. John pushed his books off of his lap and shuffled over to the end of his bed, closer to Alex. "What you typing?" He asked, pulling at Alex's hair.

Alex looked up, slightly surprised. "Sorry, didn't hear you. Are you done copying?"

John shrugged but before Alex could press him for an answer, he asked again. "What you typing?"

Alex blushed, and it made John smile. "Oh...just a...um..." John rolled his eyes, and lightly pushed the chair Alex was sitting on, causing him and the chair to slide across the room. John grabbed the laptop and started reading. "An essay?" He asked Alex, who was now standing awkwardly at the foot of John's bed.

"Yeah, uh-"

"It's about...DACA right?" John asked as he skim-read Alex's writing. He'd used a lot of words that John didn't understand, but the bit he could read were really well written. "This is incredible Alex."

"Yeah?" Alex asked, his face lighting up. "It's pretty good right?" Man, Alexander was cocky. But John kinda liked it.

"It's amazing. It's so well written and structured." John was amazed, he kept scrolling as his mouth fell open. "Like _really_ good. It's insane."

Alex jumped onto John's bed, sitting next to him, legs in a basket. His mouth stretched into a smile as he pulled the laptop closer to him, "I wasn't sure about uh..." He said as he scrolled through the document, "This bit, is it too...wordy?"

John shook his head, "No, I think it's perfect."

Alex smiled at John.

Jesus _fucking_ Christ, John really liked that smile.

He liked the way Alex's lips parted, liked the way his dimples crinkled. He liked how Alex's teeth were perfectly aligned and he liked the warm glow his smile gave off. His smile reminded John of the stars in South Carolina, stars with no city lights to dim them. Alex's smile was a burning ray of sunshine, and John was scared of getting sunburnt.

They sat like that for two hours, going over the essay. Alex kept smiling and John kept wishing he would stop. John completely forgot about the notes he should probably copy as Alex brought up even more essays he'd written.

At about 12:34, Alex's eyes wandered down to the clock on his laptop. "Shit, it's pretty late Laurens."

John was already half asleep, his head leaning on Alex's shoulder as he struggled to keep his eyes open. John leaned over and looked at the time. "Yeah it is," He said as he yawned. Alex shut his laptop and made to move when John sleepily shook his head. 

"You could just stay here tonight."

Alex turned to face him. "What?" He asked, and John felt Alex’s breathing speeding up.

"I mean, George isn't here. Just take his bed, I don't give a shit," He remarked as he sat up, and stretched his arms out.

Alex nodded, slowly at first, but then nodded quickly, leaning back against the wall, "Yeah sure, okay."

John yawned, and put his head back on Alex's shoulder. The last thing he remembered before falling asleep was Alex muttering as he typed. John smiled, he liked how Alex did that. Alex was so smart, it was pretty intimidating. He used his cleverness and wittiness in his quick-as-a snap humour. John fell asleep, head on Alex's shoulder, and he promised himself that he'd copy the notes first thing tomorrow morning.


	8. ...And Peggy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sleep is for the weak."
> 
> Alex and John get coffee together.

ALEX

"Laurens?" Alex asked, still looking down at the laptop, the bright electronic light brightening up the room. "What do you think? I think we've finished it. Thanks for the help." When he didn't get a reply Alex looked down. "John?"

He moved John's curly hair out of his face to find that John had fallen asleep on Alex's shoulder. He was breathing softly and smiling softly in his sleep. Alex smiled and turned back to his laptop and although he continued to type, he tried to do it quietly so he wouldn't wake his friend up.

They stayed like that for the most of the night. Alex typed all through the night as John slept, murmuring in his sleep. Alex only stopped writing once, at about three in the morning, when John's soft murmuring got louder. He closed the laptop over softly and gently nudged John. 

"Laurens?" He whispered as John shook his head into Alex's shoulder.

"Stop it," John muttered as Alex looked down at him, worried. "Leave me alone. I didn't do it." He started shaking his head even more violently. "I didn't do it!" John shuddered in his sleep, falling onto his side, no longer leaning on Alex. He rubbed his shoulder, he'd gotten a crick in it since John had been leaning on it for so long. He looked down at his friend who was still muttering and shaking his head fiercely. Alex didn't know what to do. John had never done this before in front of Alex. When they stayed at Laf's, John normally crashed on the sofa while Alex took the guest room. 

John got louder, speaking through gritted teeth. "It's fine. It's _fine_ Martha. I didn't fucking do it, you jerk."

Alex bit his lip and tried to lightly shake John awake but he didn't stir. "Fuck. You," John said fiercely, his lips pursed. His fists were in balls and his jaw was clenched. His eyes were shut and his chest, that had been falling and rising rhythmically, was now falling quickly. Alex watched as he took a sharp intake of breath, and stayed like that for a couple of minutes, before his features relaxed. 

When John slept he moved around quite a lot, especially when he was having a nightmare, and he also made gentle snuffling noises as he breathed. Alex watched him carefully for a couple of minutes, and when he was sure that John's nightmare had passed, he stood up of the bed, and quietly shuffled over to George's side of the room. Grabbing an expensive looking fur blanket, that Alex hoped was faux, he tiptoed back over to John and placed the blanket over his sleeping friend.

Then he stretched his arms out, and sat at John's desk. Scratching his neck, he opened up his laptop again, and went back to writing.

 JOHN

John woke up at ten in the morning to his curtain all ready open and the bright sun shining in his eyes. He yawned and stretched his arms out before he looked down and wondered why he was still wearing his clothes from yesterday. It took him a while to remember that Alex had stayed over last night. He turned onto his side, expecting to see Alex asleep in George's bed. When he didn't see him there, he furrowed his brows and pushed himself up onto his elbows. He saw Alex sitting forward in John's desk chair and typing on his laptop.

"Morning," John muttered as he pushed himself up, so he was sitting straight, leaning against the wooden headboard. Alex turned around, startled, and smiled sleepily at John.

"Hi."

"What time did you go to sleep at?" John asked, rubbing his eyes. When Alex didn't reply, John raised an eyebrow at him. "You did go to sleep right?" Alex sheepishly smiled and shrugged. John rolled his eyes and threw his pillow at Alex. 

Alex laughed and ducked, the pillow hitting the door. "You promised me that you'd start to sleep like a normal person."

"Sleep is for the weak," Alex remarked as he turned back to his laptop.

"You're grumpy in the mornings." 

Alex rolled his eyes and slowly turned back to John. "I promise I won't be grumpy Laurens."

John sighed tiredly, and jumped out of bed. He pulled his t-shirt off over his head and moved over to his closet. He paused as he got to Alex, placing his hands on the back of his chair. He leaned over Alex and scanned the laptop. "You used the wrong 'their'," He said, pointing.

"Shit." Alex muttered, "So I did. Why did I do that? How did I not catch that?" John smirked and raised his eyebrows.

"Maybe you would have caught it, if you'd gotten some sleep."

"Fuck off," Alex said, smirking as he lightly pushed John away. 

Alex kept typing and asking John for his opinion as John got dressed. "Wanna go get some coffee from somewhere?" John asked after he was changed, running a tired hand through his hair. He contemplated putting it up, but then decided he couldn't be bothered. Alex nodded and shut his laptop before he shoved it in his bag. "Let’s go," He said, hand on the handle of the door.

"You are not going out wearing yesterday's clothes, Alex," John snorted as he pulled open his closet again. Alex sighed but didn't protest. John pulled out a black t-shirt and ripped jeans and threw them at Alex. "Get changed. I'll meet you outside."

 

They had to go and get their coffee from the small and kinda-shit cafe on the corner because their beloved Grind was still closed.

"It's not as good as The Grind," Alex complained as they sat down at an empty table at the back of the cafe.

"Beggars can't be choosers," John sighed as he fell onto the chair. He crinkled his nose as he watched Alex take a big gulp of his coffee. Alex had ordered a black coffee. He hadn't put any sugar or milk in it either. Just pure, strong coffee. That was his regular coffee. The first time he'd ordered it at The Grind, Laf had thought he was joking. But when Alex had downed it, staring at Laf, their french friend had curled his lip and shook his head in disappointment and antipathy.

"That is disgusting,” John said as he drank his own drink (an iced coffee, lots of milk and sugar).

"No. It's amazing," Alex smirked. "You just have shit taste Turtle."

John rolled his eyes but couldn't help the corners of his mouth turn up. 

"So..." Alex started, looking up at John sheepishly."You gonna tell me what's going on with you and Peggy?" 

John pushed his tongue into his cheek. "No," He said shrugging. "There's nothing to tell."

Alex sighed exasperatedly, "Laurens, you hardly ever see her anymore, and you ignored a text from her last night."

John gulped. Shit, he'd forgotten all about that. "That doesn't mean anything."

"Okay," Alex said, leaning back, folding his arms.

"Don't say it like that," John protested, leaning forward, hands spread on the table. 

"What?" Alex asked, smirking, his eyes mischievous. "I didn't say it like anything."

"Yeah, you said it like you don't believe me."

"I don't."

John sighed, defeated. "Whatever. Me and Peggy are fine."

"Okay."

"Stop that!"

Alex grinned and went to say something else before his phone beeped. He looked down and rolled his eyes. "Laf says we have to go to his."

"Why?" John asked as they left the small and kinda-shit cafe, the bell on the door ringing.

"He needs help with his french."

"With his _french?_ " John asked, the cold hitting him instantly. Even though the sun was bright and shinning, the cold was still furious.

"Something about a debate with Burr. Then he goes on to say he won't let ' _that Burr branleur defeat him_ '. I don't get why you three hate him so much. He's okay."

"No," John shook his head, "He's an asshole."

"He is?"

"Yeah, you just can't tell cause you're kind of an asshole too." Alex snorted and elbowed John.

As John and Alex made their way to Lafayette's apartment, John wondered if his relationship with Peggy really was fine. It must not be, if other people were starting to realise that they weren't really talking at the moment. Although, as Alex started talking ecstatically to John about his essays, John completely forgot about Peggy.


	9. Geniuses, Lower Your Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why are you talking in past tense Peggy?"
> 
> Burr overhears some heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for an emotional rollercoaster y'all

BURR

Aaron Burr was finding it extremely hard to concentrate on Professor Washington's lecture. Laurens and Hamilton were sitting in the back, at their normal desk, chatting and laughing, as they blatantly ignored what Washington was saying. Aaron gritted his teeth and pushed his pencil down on his paper too hard. He muttered under his breath as the pencil broke, causing a massive, dark line on his paper. He sighed as he flicked the pencil over in his hand, to the eraser side, and tried to erase the mark. When it didn't come out, he groaned and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He could still hear Lauren's obnoxious voice from the back of the room.

"Hamilton!" Washington shot, looking up to the back of the class. The professor sighed, and ran his hand down his face. Burr sighed in relief, finally, _finally_ , Hamilton would get his comeuppance. Everyone in the class giggled, Washington hadn't ever called someone out in a lecture before. But they weren't laughing at Alexander, but more _with_ him. Everyone liked Hamilton, and Burr didn't know why. Him and his three friends walked around like they owned New York City.

"If you weren't excelling in this class Hamilton, you would've been out of here quicker than you could say, sir."

Burr turned around to watch Hamilton, who was leaning forward in his chair, elbows on the desk, smiling. _Typical_. Even when someone was telling him to shut up, he still got a complement. "Sorry sir, of course. It won't happen again," He nodded to Washington. 

Burr hoped Washington would kick him out, because then maybe he could concentrate on his work. But Washington just smiled up at Hamilton, as if he was _proud_ of him. Burr sighed, and rolled his eyes, turing back to the front. Washington opened his mouth to start the lecture again but before he could, a loud snort/laugh came from the back of the class.

"You too, Laurens."

Burr clenched his jaw as the girl he was sitting next to him sighed dreamily. He turned to see that she was gazing up at Laurens. He rolled his eyes and faced the front, trying to hone his attention on Washington and the 2008 election. The girl sitting next to him (the one who had admired Laurens), leaned over Burr to whisper to the girl on the other side of him. He knew who this girl was, Maria Lewis, one of the most prettiest girls at NYU. She came close to Angelica Schuyler's beauty. 

"How cute is John?" The girl giggled to Maria. Maria smirked, and flicked her hair over her shoulder. She normally left her hair natural but today she'd straightened it. Maria probably could be _the_ pettiest girl at NYU if she smiled more. That's why all the guys fell over Angelica, Eliza and Peggy, because they were witty and smart as well as beautiful. But they didn't act like they knew they were beautiful, unlike Maria. Maria used her attractiveness to her advantage, like a weapon, as if she knew she was gorgeous. 

"Pretty cute," Maria whispered back, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. Burr noticed her smirk coquettishly at him but he just gritted his teeth and started writing.

"I mean, look at his freckles...and that hair, god. He's a soccer player aswell, so he probably works out."

Maria nodded, agreeing as both of the girls turned around to gaze up at Laurens longingly. Burr rolled his eyes, and hoped that they were finished. 

"I mean, look at Alexander though," Maria giggled. The other girl nodded back and smiled. She opened her mouth to say something, but she must have noticed Aaron sigh because she rolled her eyes at him to Maria and faced the front. 

Burr scratched his hand as he tried to ignore Hamilton and Laurens, who were still talking, although they'd lowered their voices.

Hamilton and Laurens had become inseparable. When they weren't with the cocky french one, or the brash tall one, they were together. Burr couldn't comprehend how either of them were passing Political Science, because every lecture, they just sat at the back, snorting and talking.

They were like Chandler and Joey, or Thumper and Bambi, Burr just didn't know which was which. 

Burr got along _fine_ with Alexander and he didn't _necessarily_  have a _problem, as such_ , with the other three, but Burr knew the didn't like him. They didn't like him because where Burr kept his mouth shut and didn't piss anyone off, those four shouted their opinions from their rooftops and got into fights.

Burr sat silent for the rest of the lecture, giving up trying to concentrate. He quickly shoved his stuff into his bag as soon as the class was over, practically running out of the room, trying to get as far away from Hamilton and Laurens as possible. That plan failed because he ended up walking behind them both in the corridor. 

Aaron gritted his teeth, sighing as he walked behind them, at least they were fast walkers. He couldn't help listening to their conversation. "I'll meet you in The Grind, Peggy just texted me. She wants to meet me, says it's urgent," Laurens sighed, as if the last thing he wanted to do was meet his girlfriend. 

"Sure," Alexander said as they pushed open the doors. Laurens raised an eyebrow at Aaron as he held open the door. Burr muttered thanks before he walked out. It was starting to snow, and Burr hoped he could get home before it started to get heavy. He somehow ended up walking behind Laurens who just happened to _(it was just Burr's luck)_ stop right outside Burr's apartment building. Aaron was too tired for a confrontation so he just stayed in the lane, waiting for Laurens to leave. He scrolled through his phone as he heard the clicking of heels walk up to Laurens.

"Hey babe," John said. He sounded tired and bored.

There was a moment of silence before Burr heard Peggy talk. She also sounded tired, but instead of also sounding bored, she sounded hurt. "John." No hi. No babe. Burr sighed, and leaned his head against the side of the building. He did not want to hear this conversation, he could already tell what was about to happen.

"Peg?" John asked, his tone suddenly soft.

"John...I...I can't do this anymore."

There was a pause, and Burr could practically hear the tension.

"What are you talking about?"

"Where were you...last week?" She asked accusingly. "I texted you, I asked you to come over and you didn't reply. I called like _thirty times John_. You didn't reply till _a day_ later." She sounded furious.

"I was...I slept over at Herc's dorm. Alex and Laf were there, we were studying and we couldn't be bothered-"

Peggy cut him off, "Of fucking course you were. _Of course_. You know, I wouldn't even be mad about it if you'd texted me back. But you didn't. You left me wondering and believing..." Burr heard Peggy sigh. "I thought you were cheating on me." She whispered.

"Peggy, I didn't cheat on you. I fucking swear it." Laurens was putting emphasis on each syllable, and his voice sounded like he was grasping for air.

"I know. I believe you John, I do. But it was happening all the time. You never replied, you ignored me for your friends. You always put them before me."

"Why are you talking in past tense Peggy?" Laurens asked. Burr could barely hear him, his voice was nearly inaudible. There was another pause before Peggy spoke.

"I just-" She barked out a sharp laugh. She was talking quieter now, deathly calm. "I can't be the third wheel anymore. I can't be the third wheel in my own fucking relationship John."

Burr had never heard Peggy swear before this conversation. 

"Peggy please." Laurens was begging now, his voice hoarse. "Please, I swear to god I'll fix this. Let me fix this Peg. We've been together for a year and a half. Please don't throw that away."

"I'm not the one throwing it away John. You already did that when you decided your friends were more important than our relationship...than me. No..." She said, soft and calm. "It's over John. Us...we're done."

There was a long pause and Burr wondered if they'd left, but then Laurens spoke, his voice quiet.

"Are you leaving me for Lee?" He asked, his breath ragged. 

Burr heard Peggy scoff. "What no...of course-"

Laurens cut her off, "I saw you with him you know...last week...you were in a lane with him alone." 

"Well, I had plenty time to get to know Charlie while you were ignoring me."

" _Charlie_?" Laurens scorned.

"John, I didn't cheat on you okay. You're the one that did this. You're the one that broke this up."

"No," Laurens muttered. "I'm pretty sure you're the one that's breaking up with me."

There was another pause. "Goodbye John. Maybe later we can be friendly with each other, but I..." She trailed off. Burr cringed, wishing he was anywhere but there.

"Peg please," John went back to pleading. 

"Goodbye John."

Burr heard the clicking of the heels again, and then he saw Peggy walk past the lane. She didn't see him, but he saw her. He saw the tears that fell and he saw her furiously wipe them away as she walked away quickly. Burr stayed there, listening to Laurens take in ragged breaths. He was pretty sure Laurens was crying.

"Fuck," Laurens muttered through his broken breaths and quiet sobs. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm going to kill him." Burr held his breath as he watched Laurens walk past, fists clenched as he practically ran.

The last thing Burr wanted to do was get involved in that group's drama, but he also didn't want to be a witness to homicide, and he was pretty sure that Laurens was going to go kill Lee.

Sighing, he ran/walked to The Grind, where he knew Lafayette, Mulligan and Hamilton were. He threw open the door and instantly spotted the three of them, laughing on a sofa. Burr exhaled and buried his pride down deep as he made his way over. 

"You three should probably go find Laurens," He said as they all turned around to look up at him.

Lafayette rolled his eyes and turned back, folding his arms. "Fuck off Burr." Aaron ignored that comment and bit his tounge.

"What's John to you?" Mulligan asked, snorting.

Burr gritted his teeth and ignored the desire to just turn around and leave them to it. "His girlfriend just dumped him. Pretty sure she dumped him for Lee aswell. Laurens looked like he was going to murder someone. Probably Lee."

"Shit," Hamilton swore as the three of them jumped up off of the sofa. "Where?"

"Two blocks north." 

They didn't stick around to thank Burr but rather sprinted out of The Grind, swearing and shouting as they ran off to find their friend.


	10. Set My Heart Aflame, Ev’ry Part Aflame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fuck off Alex. Just. Fuck. Off.”
> 
> John punches Charles (again). Alex and John talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some lams action guys

ALEX 

Alex, Laf and Herc ran through the streets of New York, the snow falling as they searched for their friend. "John's gonna fucking kill him," Herc said, as they turned into a side street. Alex gritted his teeth and prayed to god that they got to John before he got to Lee. The snow was falling heavier now, the snowflakes embedding themselves in Alex's hair.

They turned onto the street that Burr said John had been, but there was no sight of him. " _Merde,_ " Laf swore quietly as Herc craned his neck, scanning for their friend.

"What do we do now? _Putain. Merde!_ "

Alex chewed his lip, running his hand down the side of his face. "Call Peggy," Herc said to Laf. "Maybe she'll know where Lee is. If we find him first, then maybe John'll come to us."

"Why are we stopping Laurens from doing this?" Alex asked, looking up at Herc and Laf. "I mean his girlfriend of nearly two years dumped him for his arch nemesis." Laf ignored him and pulled out his phone, waiting for a second before he started talking.

"Eliza. Is Peggy there? I know...I just..."

Alex furrowed his eyebrows, slightly annoyed that Laf didn’t agree with him. Herc sighed as he leaned against a brick wall of an apartment building. "Don't get me wrong man, I'd love to see John pummel that prick into a bloody pulp, but...John could get into serious trouble Alex...I mean... he could get kicked off his course. He'd have to go home... _to his dad_." Alex exhaled deeply, scratching the back of his neck. "And...John's...he’s just not thinking straight right now," Herc said, frowning slightly.

Alex just nodded as he listened to Laf talk again. "Eliza come on...put Peggy on. Please. No John's not with us, that's the point. Fine, don't put her on. Just ask her if she knows where Lee is." Laf sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I don't care if she didn't cheat on him...no wait, _waaait_ , Eliza, that came out wrong. _Merde_. Where are you going? Oh, hi Angelica. Listen, _nom de Dieu, Angelica, please._ John's going to fucking _kill_ Lee. We need to find him!" Laf sighed exasperatedly before he pinched the bridge of his nose, looking like _he_ wanted to kill someone.

"Thank you Peggy." Laf hung up and shoved his phone in his pocket before he nodded down the street. "Lee's at a bar, a couple streets down. I know where it is. Let's go." Herc and Alex followed Lafayette, all three of them hoping that John wasn't there yet.

"How did Lee even get into a bar? He looks about _twelve_." Alex asked, panting slightly. 

“He’s at The King’s Men. They let some things slide. They don’t check ID or anything. Everyone our age goes there.” 

“Meaning that they’ll let John in. If they haven’t already,” Alex sighed as they ran.

“Exactly.”

Alex hoped that they’d make it to the bar before John. They reached the bar as soon as it started to chuck it down with snow. The three of them pushed their way in, clambering over the drunk students that were laughing and stumbling around to the faint music. It was Herc who noticed Lee first.

He was standing at the back of the bar. Sam and George were sitting at a table, watching their friend warily. And there was John standing, fists clenched, extremely close to Lee.

“You’re a piece of shit,” John growled at Lee. Lee just smirked and rolled his eyes at John, slamming his drink down on the table, beer sloshing.

“Hey man, Peggy dumped your sorry ass, not me.” John bristled as Sam and George laughed, but he didn’t reply, just clenched his fists even tighter, his knuckles going white.

Alex reached John first and tugged at his strong arm. The strong arm that could end up pummelling Lee.

“John, let’s go,” He muttered, pulling at his arm. John didn’t answer, just shrugged Alex off.

“You need your little backup?” Lee snickered. Lee was obviously drunk, his dark hair flopping on his face as he sneered up at John.

”Mon ami, let’s go. S’il vous plaît,” Laf sighed, glaring at Lee.

John violently shook his head, his eyes not leaving Lee once, who was just laughing at John with George. Sam on the other hand, looked extremely worried and awkward, silently sipping his beer as he tried to avoid eye contact with Alex. Sam’s pale complexion made him look ghostly in the dark lighting.

“This dickhead ruined my fucking life,” John snarled. Alex wrinkled his nose as he smelt the alcohol on John. 

“John,” He said. John just gritted his teeth, his light eyes staying on Lee, filled intently with rage. 

“Fuck off Alex. Just. Fuck. Off.”

A flash of pain and hurt flashed across Alex’s face, but it quickly vanished, replaced with a hard stubbornness. He wasn’t going to let his friend get kicked off his course.

“Come on man, you know Peggy wouldn’t want this,” Herc said it softly, obviously meaning it in good heart, but at the mention of Peggy’s name, John’s fist furiously connected with Lee’s jaw, causing him to stumble to the side.

Lee snarled, and punched back, hitting John’s stomach. John could’ve easily dodged that jab, but he was slightly drunk and his movements were slow and sluggish, so the punch landed. John grunted and his back arched, but then he bounced back and brought his fist up, punching Lee’s jaw, causing him to bite his lip. Dark blood trickled down his chin, dripping down onto John’s white shoes. 

The fight quickly escalated, and John and Lee were both grunting and panting, both bleeding and hurt, even though Lee was, admittedly, a lot more beaten up that John.

Alex, Herc and Laf stood still for a couple of minutes as George and Sam sat frozen, all five of them rooted. But when John and Lee ended up on the floor panting, cursing, scrambling and punching, they leapt into action. Laf and Alex tried pulling John off of Lee, while George and Sam dragged Lee away. It was difficult to tear them apart, both of the boys intent on wanting to literally kill each other. They finally managed to, George and Sam hauling Lee back to their booth at the back. Laf and Alex carried John out of the bar, John fighting them at first but finally just letting his friends carry him away.

Herc was apologising profusely to the barkeep, promising that it would never happen again. John slumped against his friends as they wrapped his arms around them, Alex and Laf taking his weight. Alex looked up at John and bit his lip anxiously. John’s eyes were fluttering shut, his lip was burst and he already had dark bruises forming on his face. His knuckles were chapped and Alex was pretty sure his ribs were going to have some pretty rough bruises plastered on them tommorow.

They called a cab to Laf’s apartment and all three of them bundeled John into the elevator.

When they got to the flat, Alex held the unconscious John as Laf made up the spare room and Herc grabbed some Advil, a glass of water and a bag of ice. “There’s not much we can do for him right now.” Laf sighed as Alex lightly dropped the unconscious John onto the bed. Laf pulled John’s stained and bloody t-shirt off of him before he pulled the blanket over him.

Herc sighed and pulled out his phone. “I’ve got to get back to my dorm guys, but maybe I can talk to Sam about this.”

”Sure man,” Laf said. “I can give you a lift back, save you catching a cab.” Herc nodded, taking one look at John before he shook his head.

“I love him, but he’s going be in one hell of a mood tommorow.” With that, he sighed and walked out.

Laf went to follow him before he paused and looked back at Alex, who was sitting in the armchair in the corner, reading.

”You can stay here tonight Alex. I like having the company. And Herc’s right, John’s gonna be a bitch tommorow, I’d rather not deal with that alone.”

“Thanks Laf,” Alex smiled, running his hand over the pages of the book.

”I’ll be back in like twenty...thirty minutes. I’ll probably just go straight to my bed when I get back though, so I’ll see you tommorow morning man.” Alex nodded and smiled and watched Laf shut the door. Laf was the only one of them with a car, and he was always chauffeuring them around.

Alex sat back in the chair, bringing his knees close to him as he read. It was a french book, but Alex was fluent in French so he could read it fine. It wasn’t a very fascinating book, but he didn’t want to leave John alone.

It was only when Alex heard a small groan come from the bed did he look up. John was cursing softly as he rubbed his eyes. 

“Don’t get up.” Alex warned, not leaving his chair. He was annoyed at John. A, for being a dick to him and telling him to fuck off. B, for getting in a fight with Lee in the first place instead of coming to Alex, Laf and Herc about Peggy. C, for throwing away self control and getting so drunk that he couldn’t even hold his own against Lee. And D, for not caring about getting kicked off his course.

”What...where...what?” John’s words slurred together as he pushed himself onto his elbows. “Shit.”

”You’re probably still drunk Laurens,” Alex muttered, his tone sharp.

John sighed and grabbed the water on the bedside table next to him, chugging it. “Are we at Laf’s?” He asked, rubbing his eyes.

”Yes.” Alex watched as John prodded his lip and bruise on his shoulder. Then he grunted and rubbed his ribs. “You look like shit,” Alex commented as he opened his book again, starting to read again.

There was a couple minutes of silence as Alex felt John’s eyes bare into him. Alex gritted his teeth and kept his eyes on the book, not letting himself look at John in the bed.

”I’m sorry Alex.”

Alex gulped and looked up, shutting the book softly. “For what?”

John looked down sheepishly, before looking back up, his eyes locking on Alex’s. His eyes that an hour ago had been so full of rage and anger were now painted in sorrow and regret.

”For being a dick to you.”

”It’s fine Laurens. I don’t care.”

”Yeah, but I do. And I’m sorry. Really, _really_ sorry.”

There was a pause of silence before Alex spoke, running a tired hand through his hair. “You could’ve been kicked off the course John.” 

John shook his head, “I’m not sorry for punching Lee.”

”It was more than a punch John,” Alex sighed.

“Fine, I’m not sorry for fighting with Lee. He’s a dick.”

“John-“

“But I’m sorry for hurting you Alex.”

Alex bit his lip, lightly shaking his head. John sighed and started prodding his lip again. Alex rolled his eyes and stood up, dropping the book onto the chair. “Don’t touch it, you idiot,” He said, but it came out soft and kind instead of harsh.

“Sorry,” John muttered, dropping his hand. Alex walked over and sat down on the bed, next to John and handed him some ice. “Here,” Alex said softly. 

John murmured thanks, as he took the ice and pressed it lightly to his bust lip. “You ever had a girlfriend?” John asked, looking over at Alex. 

Alex looked away as he sat straight, on top of the blanket, back against the headboard.

”No, but...” Alex went to say more but he trailed off.

”What?” John asked, eyebrow raised. Alex’s stomach twisted. Should he tell John? He hadn’t told Laf or Herc yet. Alex sighed, deciding just to tell him.

“But...it’s not just...uh...not just girls.”

He didn’t know what he was expecting, didn’t know what he was hoping for, but John just shrugged and smiled faintly at him. “Ever had a boyfriend then?” 

“No. Never had either,” Alex shook his head, looking away.

“So you’ve never been in love?” John asked softly. 

Alex shook his head again, but when John asked him that question, his stomach seemed to flip. There was a pause before John spoke, so quietly it was almost unaudible.

“I don’t think I have either,” He whispered.

Alex looked over at him, eyebrow raised. “But Peggy-”

“It’s Peggy I’m talking about.”

”You...you didn’t love Peggy,” Alex didn’t know if he was asking or conforming, but John nodded his head anyway.

”I don’t think so...I mean...maybe I did at start...but I definetly didn’t at the end. Because being in love means to be exciting and rash and incredible, doesn’t it?”

”I wouldn’t know,” Alex said, looking John in the eye.

”I think that’s how it’s meant to feel. And...I didn’t feel that with Peggy. I didn’t get butterflies every time I saw her, my heart didn’t beat for her. It just felt the same as when we were just friends. We just kissed more.”

Alex didn’t say anything, he just fidgeted with his fingers.

“God, I sound like a dick,” John sighed, his head falling against the headboard

Alex shook his head, smiling softly up at John. “No. No you don’t.” 

“Thanks Alex. I...” John trailed off. Alex’s breath caught up in his throat. He didn’t know where they went from here. He didn’t think, he just took a deep breath in and grabbed John’s hand. His breath hitching as he felt the cuts and John’s bruised knuckles. His heart felt like it was on fire.

He expected John to pull away or laugh, but he didn’t. He just gripped Alex’s hand back, both of them facing froward and both of them holding their breaths.


	11. Alexander, You’re The Closest Friend I’ve Got

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where did you sleep last night, Alex? I didn't see you on the sofa when I got back from Herc's."
> 
> John apoligises and opens up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some sad Laurens

JOHN

John woke up, shirtless, in Laf's guest bed. Holding Alex's hand. Alex was asleep next to him, his head lying on the pillow. But where John was under the covers, Alex was on top of them, fully clothed. John groaned, his head was pounding and thundering. He was about to bring his other hand up to his mouth when he remembered what Alex had told him last night. _‘Don’t touch it, you idiot_.’

God, _last night_.

John fucked up last night. Pretty badly.

Not about the Lee thing. He didn't give a fuck about punching Lee. The only thing he was sorry about was being a dick to his closest friends. Especially Alex.

God, _Alex_.

He looked down at him as he slept, breathing softly. Alex's features were much softer in sleep, the lines that usually creased his brow were switched by his youthful appearance. When he was awake, Alex was always furiously alive; debating, working, fighting and speaking his mind, but when he was asleep, he looked _peaceful_. Serenity was plastered across his face as his chest rose and fell rhythmically. The only other person John had slept next to was Peggy. She slept with her brows furrowed and in a tight ball, her knees close to her and her face tense. She was Alex's polar opposite.

God, _Peggy_.

He could've fought for her more. He could've fought for their relationship. He could’ve begged and pleaded with her. He could've not given up. Because that's what he had done. He could admit it now, he'd given up on their relationship. It had been falling through his fingers for a month and he hadn't even realised.

John sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Fuck. He was going to have to see Peggy sooner or later. They were in the same friendship group, and he was pretty sure Laf and Angelica were going out, they were pretty bad at hiding it. Peggy probably wouldn't be at the party on Friday, especially if she knew about John's fight with Lee, which she probably did because Laf didn't know how to keep his fucking mouth shut.

John really didn't want to wake Alex up, because he knew his friend never got sleep, and he also didn't want to let go of Alex's hand but he needed to go talk to Laf. And get some Advil. So, John tentatively let go of Alex's cold hand, finger by finger.

He sighed and looked at Alex one more time before he lightly pulled the blanket off of himself and shuffled off of the bed. He padded over to the door and lightly pulled it open, stepping out into the corridor, before he turned and lightly shut the door, wincing when it clicked, praying it wouldn't wake up Alex.

He gritted his teeth and walked into the kitchen, wincing at his sore ribs. He looked down and saw purple welts scattered across his abdomen like a disease. It hurt to breathe, and John hoped that none of his ribs were cracked. He didn't really remember the actual fight, more just the red anger that had soared his vision. He remembered punching and cursing at Lee, who had struggled to fight back. John shouldn't have had that much to drink before fighting. He knew his movements had been slow and Lee had used that to his advantage. John hissed as he took a deep breath in, and rubbed his ribs, trying to soothe them.

He turned into the kitchen and paused in the doorway when he saw Laf shove two waffles into the toaster. He watched as Laf scratched his neck and leaned over the toaster, and tugged out the twenty that John had hid there about a month and a half ago. He sighed exasperatedly and turned around, holding the twenty in his hand. He smirked when he noticed John but his grin quickly turned into an annoyed frown as if he just rremembered last night.

He walked over and shoved the twenty into John's stomach. "I know this is yours, Laurens."

John grunted and doubled over, rubbing where Laf had practically punched him. " _Fuck_ , Laf," He winced.

"You look like shit," Laf remarked, emotionless, as he pulled the fridge open aggressively. Laf never argued with his fists but his words packed a powerful punch. Even though he wasn't openly criticising John, he knew it was an attack. Laf's words had an air of finality to them. John just sighed and rubbed his head.

"One would imagine," John muttered. He spun around and looked in Laf's mirror, cringing when he saw his own reflection. He had a purple and black stain over his eye. His face and body was a map of black bruises and angry pink lines - painless, but ugly nonetheless. There was still blood caked in the creases of his nose. He sighed and tried to rub the dry blood off.

"What you did was really fucking stupid, Laurens," Laf said as John heard the toaster pop.

He turned around, hands shoved in his pockets. "I know," He wasn't going to tell Laf that he didn't regret it, because he knew that he'd be in for it. "I'm sorry. For being a dick."

"Lee won't accept your apology," Laf shrugged, still not looking at John.

"Will you?" John asked, his throat bobbing. "I'm apologising to _you_ , Laf. For being a dick to _you_. And Herc, and Alex."

Laf turned around. His scowl was replaced with a smile and he practically ran over to John, pulling him into a massive hug. Laf was taller than John, so his face was smushed into Laf's torso. "Mon ami, you are so fucking stupid but I love you and I'm so happy you're not dead. Don't ever do something so fucking stupid ever, ever again okay? Oh mon dieu, never again."

John nodded, laughing, and Laf pulled him out of the hug, holding John by the shoulders at arms length. He shook his head and lightly punched John again. " _Imbécile_."

John smiled faintly, but couldn't help but wince and clutch his stomach. "Man, you really do look like shit," Laf snickered. John rolled his eyes and made his way over to the waffles, sighing as he bit into one and a burst of sugar shot energy through him. He sat himself down at the breakfast bar, picking at the waffle.

"Hey!" Laf protested but John just threw up his middle finger. Laf rolled his eyes, but his face switched from humorous to slightly concerned. "Are we...you know...we gonna talk about it?" He asked, leaning against the fridge.

John sighed and kept eating his waffle as he thought. He probably should talk about it, maybe that would help the ache in his heart. So, John nodded and said, "Wait till Alex wakes up though."

Laf's brows furrowed as he picked up the other waffle. "Alex stayed over last night? I didn't see him on the sofa when I got back last night," He said, talking with his mouth open as he ate the waffle. John rolled his eyes, trying desperately to hide his blushing. He looked down at his hand that Alex had held. He ran his fingers over that hand and bit his lip.

"Yeah...he uh...he stayed in the guest room last night." He said, not looking up.

Laf smirked, mouth still full of waffle, and raised his eyebrow. "Stayed in _the_ _guest room_?"

John looked up, blushing. "Yeah."

"The room _you_ stayed in?"

John gulped and stood up off of the stool quickly. "Yeah," He said, desperately trying to sound cool.

 _"I see_." Laf smirked down at John.

John gulped and started chewing his lip. "Shut up Laf."

Laf just shot his hands up in mock innocence, "I didn't even say anything, mon ami."

"What didn't you say?"

John spun to see Alex leaning sleepily against the wall. He locked onto Alex's eyes and smiled. He couldn't help it. He smiled even brighter when he saw Alex gipping his hand that John had been holding. "Hi." John said softly. His heart was beating so fast it felt like a rock being shaken in a wooden box.

"Hi," Alex murmured dreamily, scratching the back of his neck. John knew he looked horrendous, but Alex didn’t seem to care as he ran his gaze over John’s body.

" _Morning Alex,_ " Laf smirked, enjoying the moment. Alex's eyes snapped away from John's and he looked at Laf.

"Oh...hi Laf," Alex said as if he was just remembering that Laf was here.

"Where did you sleep last night, Alex? I didn't see you on the sofa when I got back from Herc's," Laf smiled, fully aware were Alex had slept last night.

Alex blushed a deep red, and snuck a glance a John. He opened his mouth to answer their smirking french friend but John cut him off, saving Alex from Laf's schemes. "We should probably talk."

Laf and Alex looked at John, all of the humour and awkwardness vanished from their faces. "Yeah," Alex said as Laf nodded.

"Do you want me to call Herc?" Laf asked, pulling out his phone, but John shook his head. He didn't want to talk about this in the first place, but he knew his friends were going to make him, so he'd rather just rip the band-aid off quickly. "You can fill him in later, let's just get this over with."

The three of them walked into the living room, Laf holding more waffles. John sat on the sofa, head in his hands as his two friends sat on either side of him. They sat there, silent for about two minutes, Laf and Alex not wanting to push John.

John sighed and pushed his head out of his hands and sat up straight, looking forward, not able to look at his friends.

“It was my fault.”

Laf and Alex didn’t say anything, but John knew what they were both thinking. The fight or the breakup?

”The breakup.” John sighed, saying it out loud for the first time. “Peggy had every right to break up with me. I...I gave up on...I gave up on us. And it wasn’t fair on her, _I_ wasn’t fair to her. I...I always picked you guys over her. And I guess it’s because...I don’t think I...I didn’t love Peggy. Or at least, I didn’t love her as much as I should have. She deserves better than me. I was a shit boyfriend.”

John shuddered and ran a hand through his hair that he’d left down. “I was hurt...and angry... and I was so _pissed_ at myself because I knew it was my fault. I...I just let my anger get the best of me. And...” John held back a sob. “I’m...I’m so scared that I’m turning into my dad, you guys.”

Laf shook his head and put an arm around John. “John, you’re _not_ your dad.”

”But what if I am? Laf, I _don’t care_ that I fought Lee. I’m not sorry that I punched him. And I mean, shouldn’t I be?”

Alex shook his head and gribbed John’s arm. “No. Lee’s a dick. We weren’t pissed because you punched Lee, John. I couldn’t care less. We were pissed because you didn’t come to us. And because you didn’t care that you could get kicked off of your course.”

John let his head fall into his hands again.

“Which isn’t going to happen by the way,” Laf said, tightening his grip around John. “Herc asked Sam and he said that Lee isn’t going to tell the dean or anything. I mean, if he did, he would get kicked off his course aswell.”

John nodded, but didn’t bring his head up, too ashamed. “You’re a great guy, John,” Alex said, squeezing his arm. “And relationships take two people to work. It’s not all your fault. Peggy didn’t fight for you either.”

John shuddered and he felt the tears start to fall. “I fucked up,” He muttered.

“People fuck up all the time, man,” Laf reassured. “I fuck up on a daily basis. You can’t stop this from living your life.”

John didn’t move, because he knew if he did he wouldn’t be able to stop the tears. “It’s not your fault,” Laf said again before he swore. “ _Merde_. I’m late to French Lit. You guys stay here, I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

John still didn’t look up but he heard Alex say bye and he heard the front door click shut. John and Alex were alone.

“Laurens, look at me,” Alex said softly. John shook his head violently, trying to muffle the salty tears that were slipping down. “ _John_.”

John let Alex pull his head up out of his hands. He looked into Alex’s dark eyes that were filled with sympathy. John gulped and chewed on his lip as more and more tears fell quicker and quicker.

“I’m a dick,” He managed to get out through the silent tears. Alex shook his head and gripped John’s hands. “I didn’t even realise that my own fucking relationship was crumbling around me. And I...I was so angry and I...I wanted to beat up Lee-”

“You are _not your dad, Turtle_.”

John shuddered and managed a small nod. “You’re really, _really not_ , John,” Alex muttured softly. John sighed and went to look away, but Alex lightly pulled his face back, wiping John’s tears away. John locked eyes with Alex again. Light green furiously clashing with Alex’s dark brown.

“You’re not your dad,” He murmured as he pulled John into a hug. John let him, and cried silent tears of hurt and regret against Alex’s torso. The tears burst forward like a dam, the muscles of John’s chin trembling. There was a relief though, the silent static that John had lived with for his whole life, a side effect of the constant fear that he was his dad, left as Alex spoke to him. He sobbed unceasingly into Alex’s chest, gripping onto Alex’s sweater. Great sobs racked his body as Alex held him. His breathing hitched as the tears fell.

“You’re amazing Laurens.”


	12. Intelligent Eyes in a Hunger-Pang Frame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah, but I'm always warm and fuzzy on the inside."
> 
> John and Alex talk even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Tis a long chapter guys!

JOHN

It had been a week since Peggy had dumped John.

A week since John had fought with Lee.

A week since he'd fallen asleep holding Alex's hand.

Laf and Herc had left the day after Peggy broke up with John. Laf went back to France for Christmas and although Herc stayed in New York, he went to stay at his family's house on the other side of the city. It had just been Alex and John for the week and they'd been hanging out everyday.

It hadn't been _awkward_ as such, but John was starting to find himself stumble on words more often than not when he was with him and he was starting to notice little things that Alex did. He had started to notice how Alex had to go on his toes to reach high things. He'd started to notice how Alex would throw curse words into nearly everything he said. He'd noticed that Alex's eyes lit up when he talked about something he cared about. How he had one dimple in his right cheek. John started to wish that he'd never let go of Alex's hand that morning.

It was on the third day without Laf and Herc, when John started to have a slow revelation. He was watching Alex fight with someone on twitter when a thought popped into his head.

' _He's so cute.'_

As soon as he'd thought it, he'd blushed furiously and tried to push it out of his head. Desperately tried, to push it out of his head, but it kept managing to crawl it‘s way back in. John would be drawing Peggy when she'd slowly start to morph into Alex. He'd sigh and erase the drawing, groaning and banging his head lightly against the headboard.

It was now the day before Christmas Eve and John was sitting on his bed, sketching as he listened to George. "I can't believe it's fucking snowing." He was moaning as he shoved his clothing into his suitcase.

"Yeah," John muttered as he shaded in Martha's light hair.

"I mean...am I even going to be able to catch a taxi?"

"Don't know," John replied, finishing his sister's smile.

"Bloody hell, I can't miss my flight. Dad'll murder me." John looked up to see George trying (and failing) to clasp shut his suitcase. John sighed, placing his sketchpad on his bed and bending over, searching under his bed. He leaned out and pulled out his own suitcase and threw it over at George. "You can take mine. Just please don't lose it."

George looked from the suitcase to John, brows furrowed. "Why are you letting me use this?" He asked, playing with his blonde curls. "I mean...you hate me."

John shrugged. "Christmas miracle, I guess."

George smiled cautiously at John before he started quickly transferring his stuff from his bag to John's.

"Are you not going home for Christmas then? You're from the south, right? I mean from your accent, I just assumed. Are you not going back to see your family?" He asked John, shutting the suitcase with ease. John shook his head as he sat back on his bed and brought his knees up, wrapping his arms around them as he snuck a look at the drawing of Martha.

"I'm just gonna stick around here," He said, trying to ease off of his South Carolina accent. He didn't have a hard accent, and you couldn't instantly tell he was from the south normally, but some words were extremely obvious, like river and over.

"Whatever," George said before he winced. "I mean...thanks...for lending me your suitcase, appreciate it. I'll be back in a month."

"Sure," John shrugged, watching as George awkwardly smiled at him again before lightly shaking his head and leaving. The door shutting, leaving John alone.

John sighed and leaned his head against the headboard, running a hand through his hair. He gritted his teeth when his reflection stared back at him through the mirror. His black eye had turned from black, to a dark purple and now it was a yellowish-green. The splotchy bruises on his arms and face were either yellow or a dark green. He still looked like shit. He'd seen Lee yesterday, and if John looked like shit than Lee looked like shit that had been set alight then stamped on.

Groaning, John turned away, picked his sketchbook back up and started drawing. He had some papers to write, but Alex had promised to help him with them, so he'd deal with them later. He drew for about ten minutes before he got a text. He leaned over and picked his phone up, smiling when he read the text from Martha.

His sister had changed her name in his phone, two years ago, the day he'd left for New York. She'd also changed her photo. He smiled as he looked down at the picture of his sister. It was a selfie of her and him and Martha's dog, Salchow, (Martha was really into figure skating, so she'd named her dog after a move) in the garden at South Carolina. They were sitting under the big willow tree and Martha was laughing while Salchow was licking John's face as he tried to push the massive black labrador off.

 **(** **15:50 ) Marthamoo: Merry christmas john, love u. call me on christmas day, k x**

He gritted his teeth as he tried to think of what to text back. He wanted to hear his little sister's voice, really wanted to just vent to her, he still hadn't told her that Peggy had dumped him. But he knew that if he called her on Christmas, he'd have to talk to the rest of his siblings and then John would end up hearing his dad shouting and drunk in the background. John's heart filled with guilt. Maybe he should've gone home. What would happen if their dad went off? What could his younger siblings do against him? What if he went off on Martha? John's brothers wouldn't do anything; Henry and James would be too scared, and Mary hadn't been the same since their mom had died.

John sighed and texted her back.

**( 15:53 ) John: merry christmas Martha, i promise to call u. u know u can always come here if things get bad at home ok. i'm always here for you, even in NY, tell Mary she’s welcome here too and James**

**( 15:54 ) Marthamoo: Ik, but everything's fine here, i just miss u, we all miss u x**

John found it extremely hard to believe that his dad missed him. He bit his lip as he fidgeted with his pencil, he didn't know what to say back. He clicked his tongue and lightly threw his phone over to the side and continued to draw. He moaned exasperatedly when his phone beeped again. But it wasn't Martha this time.

**( 15:58 ) A.Ham: Laurens.**

John's whole face lit up when Alex's name popped up on his screen, then he felt himself blush. He gritted his teeth and ran a tired hand through his hair.

**( 15:58 ) John: alexander**

**( 15:58 ) A.Ham: I'm bored.**

**( 15:59 ) John: k**

**( 15:59 ) A.Ham: John.**

**( 15:59 ) A.Ham: Turtle.**

**( 16:00 ) John: alex**

**( 16:00 ) A.Ham: I'm so fucking bored.**

**( 16:00 ) A.Ham: Jonathan Laurens.**

**( 16:01 ) John: I'm only gonna tell u this one more time Alex, thats not my name, my name is John. not Jonathan**

**( 16:01 ) A.Ham: It should be. Jonathan is classy. And also, stop ignoring me.**

**( 16:02 ) John: Im not ignoring u**

**( 16:02 ) A.Ham: I'm still bored Turtle.**

**( 16:02 ) John: ok**

**( 16:02 ) A.Ham: John.**

**( 16:02 ) John: What do u want me to do**

**( 16:03 ) A.Ham: I don't know.**

John tried not to smile as he read Alex's texts. He looked around the room, trying to come up with something to say when he spotted the textbooks lying on his desk, and then the absence of George in the room.

**( 16:04 ) A.Ham: Stop ignoring me John.**

**( 16:04 ) John: U said u would help me with some of my essays**

**( 16:04 ) A.Ham: Yeah.**

**( 16:04 ) John: George is away for christmas**

**( 16:04 ) A.Ham: Oh.**

**( 16:05 ) John: Hurry up then Hamilton**

John waited for a reply and when he didn't get one, he just assumed that Alex had missed his text. He shrugged and went back to drawing, jolting when a erratic and loud knocking came at the door. He knew who it was before he even opened the door.

Alex didn't stop knocking, not even when John called, "Coming."

He pulled open the door, grinning brightly when he saw Alex standing there holding a tray of four cups of coffee, two with John's name on them and two with Alex's. "Your neighbours are going to hate me," He smiled sheepishly, smiling up at John.

He was wearing a brown coat and a beanie that was too big for him so it was falling over his eyes. He kept pushing it up and trying to brush the snowflakes that had fallen onto him off.

John rolled his eyes and pulled Alex into his room by his collar. "My neighbour all ready hates you," John smirked as Alex placed the coffees on the desk, turning around with confusion plastered on his face.

"Why? Who's your neighbour?"

"James Madison," John smirked. Alex groaned and fell face first onto John's bed.

"I don't even know _why_ they hate me. I mean, I hate them, because let's be real here, those two are dickheads. But like I'm not. _Am I_?" Alex asked, face into John's pillow.

"Do you want me to answer that honestly or do you want me to agree with you?" John joked, sitting next to Alex, holding the coffees.

"Shut up," Alex laughed as he sat up straight and rolled his eyes.

"You're just very...opinionated..." John picked his wording carefully, "...and so are they. You just have very _different_ opinions."

"Everyone thinks I hate them,” Alex sighed, grabbing his coffee from John's hand.

"Not _everyone_ , just Madison and Jefferson. And you _do_ hate them, anyway. And maybe they think you hate them because you act like you're the smartest in the room." Alex frowned slightly at that comment. "You always are, Alex,” John smiled, nudging Alex's shoulder, trying very hard to ignore the speeding of his heartbeat.

"Yeah, but I'm always warm and fuzzy on the _inside_."

John laughed and started drinking his own coffee (mocha with extra whipped cream and milk). "How did you know my coffee order?" John asked.

Alex rolled his eyes, "You're my best friend, Laurens. Of course I know your coffee order." John tried hard to not frown at being called his friend, then he told himself that was stupid and that he wanted to be Alex's friend and that the other thoughts he were having were stupid.

John smiled softly and took another drink as he looked down. "But that's not coffee, Turtle," Alex remarked, eyeing John's cup. "It's just sugar and chocolate, which is sugar anyway. And you always ask for _extra whipped fucking cream_." John shrugged, and kept drinking as he watched Alex drink his own (actually disgusting) coffee and pull his laptop out. "Shall we?" He asked, pulling up an essay onto the screen.

John groaned and leaned over Alex to grab his books. " _Fun,_ " He muttered sardonically.

"I know, right!" Alex laughed, not catching John's sarcasm. "Okay, get your books open Laurens and let's write some essays!"

They wrote for the rest of the day, ordering a pizza for dinner. Alex stayed over, although he didn't sleep, and they wrote for the most of the next day, until Alex realised it was Christmas Eve.

"Laurens, it's Christmas Eve!"

"Ok," John said as he typed, one hand twirling a curl around his finger.

"John. It's _Christmas fucking Eve_."

"So you've said, Alexander," John said, looking up at Alex from under his eyelashes.

"John. We need to do something!" John smiled, Alex's Christmas spirit was pretty cute. No. He reminded himself _not_ cute.

John didn't care about Christmas. He'd used to love it, the whole season, until his mum had died on Boxing Day, when John was fifteen, four years ago. His family had been loving and caring and connected before John's mum had died. Now they were fractured and broken, and John didn't feel like they were a family anymore, just a group of people that all shared the same last name and stayed in the same building.

Before his mum's death, John had been carefree and happy, and had gotten along amazingly with his younger brothers, Henry and James. Henry had been smart and they'd all go to museums together, laughing as Henry watched the exhibits in awe. James had been kind and caring, looking after their two little sisters. Martha had been lively and joyful, always leaping and dancing around the house. Mary had been quiet, but she'd still laughed.

After their mum had died, John had shut himself off, hadn't talked to anyone apart from Martha. He'd started getting into fights and he was constantly angry, especially at their dad, but when he’d moved to New York; Laf, Herc, Eliza, Peggy and Angelica had made him a better person.

Henry had buried himself into his studies, and John was pretty sure he only tried so hard so he could get into Harvard and move away. He got in, and that's where he stayed now. John didn't think Henry had been home since he'd left for college last year. Henry would be turning eighteen next month.

James had become quiet and he rarely came out of his room. James was seventeen and he was starting at college at South Carolina this year. John was pretty sure that James was only going to college in South Carolina because he didn't want to leave Martha and Mary. His brother was a better person than he was, he had the opportunity to go anywhere, their dad would pay for it, but he was choosing to stay in that house.

Martha hadn’t really changed after their mother's death. She stayed happy and joyful but it had become strained and as if she was forcing it. Mary had gone mute, and John hadn't heard her say more that ten words in four years. Martha was sixteen and Mary was turning fifteen in a couple of months.

Their house at Christmas had always smelt like cookies and ginger. Holly and red ribbon had always been draped around the halls and on the stairs. Their tree had always been tall, grand and beautiful. They'd decorate it all together, Mary placing the star at the top as their dad held her up.

That Christmas Day, four years ago, had been like any other, but the next day, early in the morning, their mother had gotten into a car crash and had died in hospital two hours later. They'd all managed to get there in time to say their goodbyes, even though she'd been unconscious. Then their mother had died, Mary sobbing silently and gripping her hand.

Two days later, their dad started drinking. A year later, he'd punched John. Then he didn't stop drinking, and he didn't stop snapping and shouting at his kids. He didn’t stop taking it out on John. They were extremely rich, and their dad hadn't really needed to work, so there was nothing he had going for him.

The children had stayed out of their dad's way. The house wasn't their home anymore and their dad had turned into a ticking time bomb. John had left for NYU two years ago, and had only gone back once since.

"Like what?" John asked Alex, pushing the thoughts of his family out of his head. He looked at Alex quizzically as his friend looked outside, watching the snow fall, excitement plastered on his face.

" _Something_!" Alex said, practically shouting. John went to shake his head, wanting to throw the idea aside but he couldn't seem to open his mouth as Alex grabbed John's hands and pulled him off of his bed.

"I know a great place," Alex laughed.

" _Alex_..." John sighed, rolling his eyes. "It's snowing and-"

"Get your coat on Laurens," Alex said forcefully as he stood, arms folded, against the door.

Sighing and groaning, John pulled on his coat, aggressively pulling his hood over his hair. " _Fine_."

Ten minutes later, John and Alex were walking along the streets of New York as the soft snow fell down. John was sighing and trying incredibly hard not to blush or stumble over his words as Alex talked about how much he loved Christmas.

"Where are we going, Alex?" John asked.

"We're nearly there," He said, smiling a smile so bright that it made John's stomach clench.

John shoved his feelings deep down as he shook his head at Alex. "Not what I asked."

Alex smiled even more as he nudged John's shoulder. "You'll like it Turtle. I _promise_." John tried, and failed, not to smile as they turned a corner. There was nothing there, just a line of tenement buildings that abruptly stopped and gave way to an area filled of trees, enclosed by a high iron fence. "There's nothing here, Alex." John sighed, looking down the street.

Alex just threw John a smirk before he grabbed his hand and started pulling him down the street. John tried to ignore the speeding of his heart and he prayed that his hand wasn't sweating. They reached the group of trees and Alex turned to John, a look of triumph plastered on his face. John turned his head to see a tall, black iron fence. That was locked.

"It's just some fucking trees. _Locked up_ trees, Alex."

Alex just rolled his eyes before he banged the gate's handle with his fist. He was still holding John's hand with his other hand and John wondered if he'd forgotten. John's eyes widened as the gate slowly opened, revealing a secret garden filled with tall trees and green hedges. A black wooden gazebo stood proudly in the middle, a large fir tree leaning next to it.

”Oh,” Was all John managed to say as he gazed in awe at the secret garden.

”Come on,” Alex urged, pulling John inside before he shut the gate over behind them both, and as it clicked shut, John felt like Alex had just shut them off from the rest of the world. As if they were the only people in the world in the only place in the world.

Alex pulled John over to the gazebo and as he walked inside, he dropped John’s hand. John stood and watched Alex sit down, looking around at the garden. The trees made a kind of roof over the garden, so not much snow lay on the ground. John looked around in amazement, but he suddenly realised that he was rubbing the hand that Alex had been holding.

“How did you find this place?” John asked as he sat next to Alex, trying to avoid eye contact.

“I stumbled on it one day when I was just walking around.”

“It’s pretty cool,” John admitted, glancing at Alex.

“Told you you’d like it, Turtle,” Alex smirked, his one dimple crinkling.

John nodded and slouched back against the wooden wall of the gazebo, basking in the glory of Alex and his secret garden. They sat in companionable silence until Alex shuffled over closer to John. John shut his eyes, trying desperately hard to keep his breathing steady. “What are you thinking about?” Alex asked.

John shrugged, and managed to throw Alex a sleepy, side smirk. “Nothing.”

” _Nothing_?” He asked, eyebrow arched in curiosity.

John shrugged again, smiling as he looked at Alex’s face. His square jaw, dark stubble and intelligent eyes. “Nothing.”

“How can you think about _nothing_?” Alex asked.

”I have a list of things I don’t think about.”

Alex smiled softly, showing his bright white teeth. “That’s crazy, Laurens.” John just shrugged, smiling as he watched Alex’s brows furrowed. “What’s on your list?”

John’s smile faltered but as long as he was with Alex it wouldn’t completely disappear. “My mum, my dad, South Carolina, my brothers, Lee, death...” John’s voice got softer. “Peggy.”

Alex frowned, biting his lip. He pushed his tongue into his cheek and looked as if he didn’t know what to say. “Have I, _John_ _Laurens_ , rendered _the_ Alexander Hamilton speechless?”

Alex shook his head lightly and ran his tongue over his teeth, and he looked down. John’s brows furrowed and he looked down to where Alex was looking. Their hands were very close to each other’s.

John’s breathing hitched and he thought about doing it, thought about grabbing Alex’s hand, but he didn’t have time because Alex’s hand was the one gripping John’s.

John felt himself go red as his eyes met Alex’s. He searched for words, but once again Alex beat him to it. “Do you have a list of things you do thing about?”

John nodded, all the moisture from his mouth disappearing. “Tell me about those things, Jonathan,” Alex said, almost whispering, as he traced the lines of John’s hand with his fingers.

John did have a list of things he liked thinking about; snow, riding on trains, having good times with Laf and Herc, laughing with Martha, drawing, kissing Peggy (although he should probably take this one off of his list), chilling in The Grind with Eliza and Angelica, running on the beach barefoot, taking a cab through town at night, the crisp leaves that fell during fall, getting drunk with his friends.

John could list off a million things that he liked thinking about, but he didn’t say any of those things out loud, he just said one thing, looking Alex directly in his big, intelligent, bright, brown eyes.

”You.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, the minor character death tag is not about John’s mum, soooo...yeah we do still have a death to come :|


	13. Why He Even Brings The Thunder...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't mind having you close to me. Just not when I'm at work, Thomas."
> 
> Thomas is in a shitty mood.

THOMAS

Thomas Jefferson was bored.

He was tired.

He was pissed off.

He was sitting at an empty table in the empty college library/bookshop and he was scribbling on his textbook. Well, it wasn't actually his, it was James' but whatever, he was _bored_. He had given up writing his debate half an hour ago. He wasn't going to win, so what was the point? Even if his debate was to the level of fucking _Obama_ , Thomas still wouldn't win. Washington _loved_ Hamilton, and Hamilton was going to win the debate tomorrow. Thomas looked down at his title, blinking at him from the laptop screen. 

 _Does Power Equal Corruption? - Does_ _Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely_

Thomas sighed, and let his head fall into his hands. " _For fuck's sake,_ " He muttered. He could do with a little power in his life. 

"Can you please stop swearing?" 

Thomas spun around on the chair to be met with James' soft frown. His friend was laden with books, and they were basically falling out of his arms. " _No,_ " Thomas said, folding his arms.

James sighed, and placed the books onto the table that Thomas was sitting at. "Then can you leave? You're scaring the customers." Thomas looked around, eyebrow arched.

There were only two other people in here, bar Thomas and James, and they were currently making out, so he was pretty sure they didn't care what Thomas was saying. The bookshop looked a little depressing. It's fading grey walls and crappy college promotion posters. The shitty decorations that had been up over the Christmas holidays were still up, but now that it was January they just looked sad. 

" _I know_ you like having me close to you James." 

"I don't _mind_ having you close to me. Just not when I'm at _work,_ Thomas."

"Bestie.  _Jamesy,_ " Thomas said quietly, smirking slightly.

"Call me either of them one more time and you're out of here," James sighed, sitting down across from Thomas.

Thomas didn't reply, just shrugged. "What's wrong?" James asked, pulling Thomas' laptop over to him.

"Nothing." 

James tsked as he looked at the screen. "You've only written like...a _paragraph_ , Thomas."

"Hey! It's a _long_  and a very good _paragraph_. And this is meant to be a _group project_. You're meant to _help me_."

"You said you had it covered," James mocked him, eyebrow arched.

Thomas scowled and pulled his laptop back to him, " _I do_."

"You want to let _Hamilton win_?" James asked, looking at Thomas with a mix of worry and suspicion on his face.

He just shrugged in reply. "He's going to win anyway, Jamesy. I mean, Washington treats him like he's his own fucking son. And he has Laurens to back him up after every single thing he says."

"You have _me_ to back you up," James tried, tapping the table top rhythmically. "We can win this Tom."

Thomas threw his friend a tired smile and shook his head. James opened his mouth to say something when James' boss snapped at him. "Madison! Get the fuck back to work!"

James just rolled his eyes at Thomas before he stood up. "I'll help finish it when I get off...in about twenty minutes."

Thomas shook his head at his friend. "I got it."

"MADISON!" Lee shouted. Charles was James' boss but he wasn't his _boss boss,_ so he couldn't fire him. Lee was always trying to get James fired, but he hadn't succeeded yet. James was too good at the job.

James gritted his teeth and picked the books up off of the table, making his way towards the back of the store.

Thomas sighed and looked back down at his screen. He started to type and was just getting into it, when who walked in but _John fucking Laurens_ and the _fucking french one, Lafayette._

Thomas was pretty sure they were arguing. Laurens had a half tired, half angry look on his face, and Lafayette was a cast of exasperation.

"I just don't get why you didn't _tell us,_ John."

"I _did_ tell you. _We_  both told you."

"You could've told us earlier though. You or Alex. I mean...we're your friends. Me and Herc are your best friends. Both of you."

Jesus fucking Christ, did these guys not know how to use their inside voices? Thomas looked up and scowled when he saw that they'd sat at the table behind him. They hadn't noticed him yet, and Thomas wanted to keep it that way. He tried to ignore them as he started typing again.

"Tell you when?"

"When it _started_ , John!"

"I don't know _when_ it started. I didn't even know what was happening myself till like two days ago."

"That's cause you're clueless, _ami_. Totally oblivious when anyone likes you."

There was a pause and Thomas would bet anything that Laurens was blushing.

"Herc couldn't believe it."

There was another pause. Thomas glanced around to look at them. Laurens was frowning slightly, his eyes furiously trained on his own laptop, avoiding Lafayette.

"Are you... _upset_?" Laurens asked, sounding kind of hurt.

Thomas' ears perked up. He wondered what they were talking about.

" _I_ saw it coming. I called it the day after you punched Lee, that morning at my house. I was surprised you couldn't tell yourself. Like I said, _mon ami_ , you're clueless when it comes to romance."

"Shut up Laf, Lee works here. Also, that's not what I asked. I asked if you were upset."

"Of course I'm not upset. I just...it's only been a month since...Peggy."

"Oh my god Laf. This is not a fucking _rebound_." Thomas noticed the anger start to drip into Laurens' tone.

"I didn't say that it was!" Lafayette protested.

"It's only been like a day anyway. It's not like we're going to get _married_!"

Thomas sighed. They were practically shouting now. How did Thomas get into trouble for swearing and these two didn't for literally screaming?

As if James could read Thomas' mind, he made his way over to his friend and sat down, eyeing Laurens and Lafayette (who were still shouting) behind Thomas. "I thought you had to work," He muttered to James, eyebrow arched.

James shook his head, "My shift's over. Why are you not working on the debate?" 

Thomas gestured subtly to Laurens and Lafayette behind him, raising an eyebrow at James. "Do you want me to shut them up?" James asked.

Thomas shrugged. "Nah, I wanna hear what they have to say."

James nodded and they both listened in on the two boys' conversation. 

"Can we stop talking about this please? I have to work on me and Alex's debate. And I thought you had a French Lit paper."

"How can we _not_ talk about this, John? This is a pretty big damn thing."

"Only if _you_ _make it a big thing_." 

"Have you told Peggy?"

"No," John growled and Thomas could hear him aggressively hitting his keyboard.

"I mean...don't you think you should?" 

"No."

"John-"

"Are you going out with Angelica?"

Thomas snorted and he watched as James hold back a laugh. " _Lafayette and Schuyler_?" Thomas muttered to James who just shrugged, his lips pursed.

"What...I...uh...I..." Lafayette trailed off.

"Don't expect me to tell you every aspect of my life when you don't tell me your's, Laf." 

Thomas turned around to see John sighing and standing up. "I'm gonna go look for a book." He watched as Laf grunted in frustration and let his head fall onto the table.

"Let's go," Thomas said to James, shoving his laptop into his bag as he stood up. James nodded and got up, walking right into Laurens' chest. 

"James," Laurens said through gritted teeth. 

"John," James said back, civil and pleasant. Laurens looked at Thomas and frowned, his eyes narrowing.

"When did you two get here?"

"I work here," James said, holding up his employee badge. 

"And we've actually been here longer than you two," Thomas cut in as Lafayette made his way over to them. 

"Oh," John shrugged, "We didn't notice you."

"Yeah, you were too absorbed in your argument to notice anything around you."

John growled and stepped towards Thomas, as Lafayette put a stern hand on his shoulder. 

"What were you arguing about, Laurens?  I heard about the breakup, that's pretty rough. But rebounding already?" Laurens' face went bright red and Thomas smirked when he saw his fists clench. "I didn't expect that from you. Although I guess the girls just can't resist the freckles."

"Everything that comes out of your mouth is shit," Lafayette said, as he lightly tugged Laurens away from Thomas, separating them.

Thomas just shrugged and kept his smirk plastered on his face. " _Lafayette_."

Laurens and Lafayette both clenched their jaws, anger plastered on their faces. "Well, we were just leaving," James smiled, tugging Thomas away by his bag. 

"See you tomorrow, Laurens. Tell Hamilton to get ready to lose."

Laurens just shoved up his middle finger as Jefferson waved. 

 

"That was interesting," James said, eyebrow raised, as him and Thomas walked back to the dorms.

"Yeah. I wonder what they were arguing about."

"I'm sure we'll find out, I mean...that group isn't good at keeping quiet."

Thomas nodded before he said, "We _need_ to beat Hamilton and Laurens."

James nodded, hunching his satchel over his shoulder. "I know. I was thinking..."

"What?" Thomas asked, eyebrow arched and eyes narrowed at his friend.

James looked up at him and smiled. "What if we got _Burr_ on our side? I mean, he's succinct and persuasive. And more importantly he's neutral. No one hates him. Everyone either hates or loves Hamilton. So, we get Burr on board. I mean...it could work in our favour."

" _I suppose,_ " Thomas smirked down at his friend.

They walked back to the dorms, grinning and happy with their plan. They might be able to win this debate, Thomas thought. Finally, put Hamilton in his place.

"God, they're such a blunder, sometimes I wonder why I even bring the thunder."

James smiled, as he pulled open the front door. "Why you even bring the thunder."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What could Laf and John be talking about? ;)
> 
> Also, lol, the inspiration from the debate is from my English class and an essay I'm writing at the moment.


	14. Look Into Your Eyes and The Sky's The Limit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I really don’t feel like dealing with you right now, Laurens. You can bother me in class tomorrow, but right now just – turn around. Go with Herc and Laf. Call Peggy."
> 
> John and Alex fight because they have bad communication skills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> flashback to some cute lams and some angsty lams
> 
> Also comment if you guys want some mullette or naw

JOHN

The past month had been... _uncharted territory,_ to say the least.

Every night John lay in his bed, he reminisced what had happened on Christmas Eve.

He could remember everything about that night; the smell of the fir tree that hung over the gazebo, the cold wind that had bit at his nose, the soft wind that had blown John's curls, the feel of Alex's hand in his own.

_"You."_

John still didn't know why he'd said that. Maybe because Alex had been the only thing that John had thought about. He couldn't get him out of his mind. Alex had been taking up so much space in his mind...in his life. He couldn't see anything apart from Alex. He couldn't see past him.

John remembered looking into Alex's big brown eyes. His eyes were the shade of acorns, just bright enough to shine in the shadows. Like sunlight shining through whiskey. When he looked into Alex's eyes, he felt like the sky was the limit. Alex's eyes were hungry, they were _wanting_. 

He remembered looking into Alex's eyes and thinking about how much he wanted to kiss him. Then he'd blushed and looked down. As soon as the idea had popped into his head, he'd tried to shove it out. But it kept crawling back in as he watched Alex watch him.

"Alex..." He'd whispered. He'd _really_ wanted to kiss him.

"Alex, I-" But Alex had cut John off by kissing him.

Alex had  _kissed_ him.

He didn't know if it was a good kiss. It was a hot kiss. Alex pushed John, so John pushed back, gripping Alex's sweater as he leaned into him. 

He remembered thinking that Alex tasted like coffee and mint. John remembered wondering why Alex was being so soft, wondering why he was being so gentle. He slanted his head further, deepening the kiss. Alex took John by the shoulders and wouldn't let go. John's hands had made their way up to Alex's cheek, and he remembered thinking how different this was to kissing Peggy.

Then he started thinking about Peggy and he felt like a cad before he remembered that he wasn't _with_ Peggy anymore, so this wasn't cheating. This was just kissing someone else. He was kissing Alex. He was kissing a boy. He thought about if whatever was happening meant that he was gay. But then he realised that he didn't have to answer that then, because they were hidden in the trees where no one could see them. No one could see John kissing Alex. Kissing a boy. He'd told himself again that it didn't matter, all that had mattered was kissing Alex, cause that's all he'd really wanted to do.

John had pushed his hands up into Alex's hair. It was smooth and slipped through John's fingers.

He didn't know how long they'd kissed for. It had simultaneously felt like seconds and hours. When John couldn't breathe anymore, he'd pulled away (god, he'd been _panting_ ). 

"Hi," Alex had whispered, his fingers on John's neck. 

"Hi," John had smiled, letting his hands fall onto Alex's shoulders, pulling himself closer to him. They'd stayed like that for a while, just staring into each other's eyes (yeah, it was pretty cliché but that's what they did), until Alex had started talking. "John."

"Yeah?" John had murmured, smiling. 

"We should talk..."

John had just shook his head. He'd known that they would have to talk about it eventually, but in that moment, John hadn't wanted to talk about anything, he'd wanted to kiss. So, that's what he'd done, he'd cut Alex off by pushing his lips against him, (and Alex hadn't protested)

 

The day after the kiss, Christmas Day, Alex had shown up at John's dorm, demanding that they talk. They did (for about ten minutes) before John had practically pounced on Alex, smashing his lips onto him, (who hadn't put up much of a fight, anyway). Alex kept trying to get John to talk about it, but John figured out that he could shut Alexander up pretty quickly if he just kissed him.

The following week had been incredible. John and Alex had kissed and talked and laughed and kissed some more. They'd walked down the streets hand-in-hand. They'd written essays together, and they'd kissed. They'd hung out at The Grind, (and John hadn't needed to worry about bumping into Peggy, because she had gone home with her sisters for Christmas) and they'd kissed. They'd basically done a lot of kissing. They'd lived in their own bubble for the whole week and John had lived for it. He'd been so wrapped up in Alex, that he'd forgotten to call Martha.

But then Laf and Herc came back. 

John had been happy to have his friends back, but it had burst him and Alex's bubble. He'd stopped hanging out alone with Alex, because at every turn Laf and Herc were there. He'd started to fall down a dark hole, and had stopped answering Alex's texts and calls. He only saw Alex when he saw Laf and Herc. He knew Alex was confused and hurt, he knew he was being a dick, but he'd tried to shove that into the back of his mind. He'd tried to ignore the hurt eyes that bore into his back as he turned away from Alex.

But it seemed that Alex had had enough. The day before classes started up again, Herc, Alex and John were going to Laf's. When they were in the hall outside of Laf's flat, Alex (literally) pushed John into the corner. John had gulped, but kept his mouth shut. 

Herc had raised an eyebrow in question and asked what was going on, but Alex had just said that they'd meet Herc and Laf inside. Hercules had smiled suspiciously at them before raising an eyebrow at John, who just shrugged, before he went into Laf's.

As soon as Laf's door had shut, Alex had spun around and punched John in the arm (pretty hard, but Alex was small, so it didn't hurt) and scowled up at him, his dark eyes painted in hurt. 

"What the fuck, John?" He'd said angrily. "What the actual fuck?"

John had just gulped and shook his head, losing his voice.

"Last week was... _amazing_ but...you've ignored me _all fucking week_ , John."

"I know but-"

"Do you regret it?" He'd asked, tearing his gaze away from John. 

"No...of course not, but-"

As soon as he'd said but, Alex shook his head, stepping away from John. "I get it. It's fine. I'll see you tomorrow in class," He'd said, turning away from John as he started to make his way down the stairs.

"No, wait, Alex!" John had protested as he'd made after Alex.

"You don’t have to explain anything to me, Laurens." John had flinched at the use of his second name, but he hadn't said anything. "I get it, okay?"

"No, you don't. I-"

"Go call Peggy, Laurens." John's jaw had clenched, and he'd thought, is that what he really thinks?

"I don't want to call Peggy, I want to-"

But Alex had cut him off again. "I don't care what you want. I really don’t feel like dealing with you right now, Laurens. You can bother me in class tomorrow, but right now just – turn around. Go with Herc and Laf. _Call Peggy,_ " He'd said as he'd walked down the stairs.

"You’ve got it all wrong, Alex,” He'd said, catching up so that he could grab his arm, trying to stop him from vanishing. Trying to stop him from erasing this week.

"You’re so...ugh...I _don’t_ want to talk to you, don’t you get that, Laurens? This is–” He'd cut himself off, his face had turned pink and his chest heaving as his breathing had sped up. “I just thought...” And then Alex had scowled and shook his head, before he'd ran his hands into his hair. "Last week was amazing, but you're so _stubborn_ , and you _wouldn't_ _talk to me_ about this. And now, this whole week...every time I've seen you this week, I've felt like _shit_." 

John had clenched his jaw, and had had to fight the urge to reach out to Alex. "You done?"

"Yes," Alex had said curtly, through gritted teeth, shooting John a livid and hesitant look. He'd sighed a tired sigh before he'd looked up at John, his face a cast of exasparation.

"I'm sorry for being a dick this week, but I just had to think about some things and-"

"I thought you _didn't think,_ " Alex had shot, eyes narrowed. John had pushed his tongue into his cheek, annoyed that Alex had used something that John had told him against him.

John tried again, "I had to sort some things out-" but Alex cut him off again.

"What do you want, Laurens?" He'd asked, leaning against the banister.

" _You,_ " John had whispered, stepping down onto the step that Alex was on, so they were chest to chest. "I want you. You stubborn, smart, brilliant fucking idiot."

"Oh," Was all Alex had said as John had grabbed his hand. He'd looked up at John with wide and surprised eyes, smiling softly.

John had rolled his eyes and tugged Alex back up the stairs and into Laf's apartment. Alex had resisted as they'd walked into Laf's kitchen, but John had just pulled him along, determined, into the living room. Herc was lounging on the sofa, and turned around when he saw John and Alex. "Hi guys, we're gonna watch The Breakfast Club. _Again_. I swear Laf's obsessed, I mean..." he trailed off as he noticed John and Alex holding hands. "What's...uh...what's going on?"

John went to talk but was interrupted by Laf walking in, carrying a massive bowl. " _Salut, les gars_. I have popcorn. Are we gonna..." he trailed off as his eyes wandered down and he stopped talking when he saw their hands.

"Uh..."

John felt Alex tense underneath him so he squeezed his hand. 

"Me and Alex...we're...uh...we're  _something,_ " John had tried, narrowing his eyes when he couldn't find the right words.

" _Something_? Laf had asked, placing the bowl on the table. John had gulped, but relaxed slightly when he saw that Lafayette was smirking. 

"Yeah," John had smiled, "Something."

" _Fuck,_ " Herc had muttered.

" _What_?" John had asked, offended and angry. Herc had paled and started shaking his head violently. 

"Oh, no. No. I'm not... I'm chill with it. I just...Laf called it."

"What?" Alex had asked, stepping out from behind John.

"I fucking _called it_!" Laf had smiled, laughing. "Pay up," He had said to Herc, who had begrudgingly pulled out a fifty dollar bill. 

"Fifty fucking dollars?" John had asked, mouth gaping.

"Oh man, it was so super obvious," Laf had smirked, falling down onto the sofa. Herc rolled his eyes and leaned back as John and Alex sat down next to him. "I mean,  _'Where did you sleep last night, Alex? I didn't see you on the sofa when I got back from Herc's._ I totally called it like... _a month ago_."

"What?" John had asked, in disbelief.

"You were totally oblivious John," Herc had smirked, from beside John.

"Hey," Alex had protested, "You betted _against_ us."

Herc had just shrugged casually. "I thought John would never figure it out. And I never thought you," He arched an eyebrow at Alex, "Would make a move."

Alex had just rolled his eyes and leaned against John, who had started laughing. " _I totally have moves_."

So, apart from that rocky week of John being a jerk, the past month had been magic. He'd known he'd have to tell Peggy eventually and he still had to call Martha, but those things had been pushed to the back of his head. Until yesterday,  when him and Laf had bumped into Jefferson and Madison at the library. As soon as John had seen Jefferson, all the bad thoughts had rushed at him all at once. Also, ( _to top it all fucking off_ ), Jefferson now thought that John had a _rebound_ , and John knew that that would make it's way back to Peggy pretty soon.

John and Alex _had_ to beat Jefferson in the upcoming debate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment if you guys want mullette to be a thing in this story or not because I don’t know. I mean I like it but idk.


	15. Laurens, I Like You A Lot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I really like you."
> 
> The group goes to a party.

ALEX

Alex sat up straight when an erratic and angry knocking came at the door. He was on John's bed, scanning their debate on his laptop, waiting for Lafayette and John to get back from the library. They'd invited him to go with them, but Alex had sensed that they'd probably needed to talk to each other without Alex there. He knew John, Laf and Herc had been friends for years, and sometimes he felt like an outsider. They didn't make him feel like that, it was just when they laughed at something that had happened a year ago, or they made a reference to a movie they'd all seen together, or quoted something they'd said two years ago. But since Alex and John had become.. _.something_ , Alex had felt better, more included. 

Alex sighed when the knocking didn't stop, just got louder. It was probably George - he always forgot his keys. Alex sighed as he pushed his laptop off of his lap and slid off of John's bed. He did not want to see George right now. He was pretty sure John hadn't told his roommate about them yet, which Alex wasn't complaining about, it wasn't any of George's business.

He pulled open the door with a frown but smiled when he saw John and Laf standing there. "Hey," He grinned. But his face was a cast of confusion when he noticed the pissed off look on John's face and the tired look on Laf.

"John?"

But John just huffed and pushed past, muttering under his breath. Alex turned to Laf and raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with him?" He asked, stepping to the side to let Lafayette in.

"We ran into Jefferson," Laf shrugged, sighing. 

"So?" Alex asked, shutting the door behind him. Alex hated Jefferson and Madison with a burning passion, but running into him and James didn't normally piss John off.

"So, he's a _jerk_!" John spat, clenching his fists and he turned around to face Laf and Alex. Alex furrowed his eyebrows and gave John a worried look.

" _Jerk_? That's the best you've got, _mon ami?_ " Laf scoffed, smiling. John just shot him a look that made Laf shut his mouth and drop onto John's bed. "You know George will kill us if he knows we were in here, yeah?" John just ignored Laf, and exhaled through his nose, walking over to the window and slamming it open.

Alex smiled softly and made his way over to John who was leaning against the wall, head out the window. "We _have_ to beat him, Alex," John said gently, running his tongue over his teeth as he pushed a hand through his curls. Alex loved John's hair. Loved his light brown ringlets. Loved how his hair got frizzy when it rained. 

"We will," Alex smiled as John turned around to face him. "Of fucking course, we will. We're _amazing_." John looked up at him, arching an eyebrow and frowning, unassured. "I mean...we've already written it, and it's pretty damn good, Turtle." Alex held John's hand. "Dream team, yeah?"

John sighed deeply and nodded, looking down at Alex's feet before he snorted. "Nice socks."

Alex frowned. "What's wrong with my socks?" He was wearing a pair of John's socks that he'd stolen. They were fluffy, grey and soft and Alex loved them.

"Nothing," The tips of John's mouths curled up. "I think I actually have a pair just like them. I really like them," John said as he lightly kicked Alex's feet.

"I really like _you,_ " Alex murmured, putting a hand on the wall next to John, leaning further in.

John's mouth widened out into a massive smile as he brought his head down to Alex's. Alex's breath hitched before he grinned back, his breath mixing with John's.

"Uh, _les gars_...no PDA. Stop. _S'il vous plaît_."

They pulled apart, and John sighed as Alex shot a look at Laf.

" _Get out then_!" John said to Laf, eyes widened and annoyed. Laf just shrugged and rolled his eyes before he sat up off of the bed, making his way over to the door. 

"I'll see you guys tonight," He said absently as he zipped his hoodie up.

John stood up straight and bend down under Alex's arm, stepping out. "What's happening tonight?" He asked, his hand brushing against Alex's.

"Party. At some sorority house. Herc told me about it. I'll text you the address. It's at ten," Laf said, halfway out the door.

"Okay. See you later," John sighed, obviously still annoyed from his confrontation with Jefferson. Laf grinned and pulled the door open wider before Alex called him back. 

"Hey. Wait up. Waitttt up. _Laf!_ " He said, stepping away from John and folding his arms. "I am _not_ going to a sorority party. No fucking way." 

John and Laf both shared a look before they turned to Alex, arched eyebrows and looks of slight irritation painted on their faces.

" _Alex,_ " John sighed, stepping closer to him, but Alex just shook violently his head and took a step back. 

"No. I hate parties. I hate _people_ at parties. They all smell like beer and they're drunk and they're all kissing each other and dancing," Alex said flatly.

Laf rolled his eyes, his mouth in a side smirk. "That's the point, _mon ami_. That's the _attraction_."

"Last time you two went out," Alex looked accusingly at John. "You didn't get home till four in the morning. No, sorry, I'm putting my foot down." 

John sighed, "But-"

"We have a _debate_ tomorrow John. One that the _whole class_ will be watching. One that is worth _forty-five percent_ of our grade. One that, _seconds ago,_ you were adamant that _we had to win_."

John smirked, and pulled Alex closer to him by tugging on his sweater. "One that, _seconds ago_ , you were adamant that _we would win,_ " John mimicked Alex as he pushed his tongue into his cheek.

"I hate you," Alex muttered, his eyes fluttering shut.

John lightly shook his head. Smiling, he said, "You _really like me_."

Alex groaned and pushed John off of him and turned to Laf, who was crinkling his nose at them. "You guys are so cute. It's _sickening_." John snorted, and Alex sighed as he shoved Laf out of the room.

"We'll see you tonight, Laf."

Laf's face lit up as he stood in the hallway. "So you're coming?"

Alex bit his lip. "Sure. Whatever. Text me the address."

"I called it. I just want everyone to know that I, Marie-Joseph Paul Yves-"

Alex shut the door in his friend's face before he could finish his name. He turned around and leaned on the door, sliding down so he was sitting on the floor. "I can't believe I'm going to a fucking _sorority_ _party_."

John grinned and sat down next to Alex, knees tucked into him, taking Alex's hand in his own. " _Me neither_."

Alex snorted and let his head fall onto John's shoulder. "We're not drinking anything," He said, looking up at John, who just looked down at Alex, a smirk making his way onto his face. Alex swore under his breath. He could already see the disaster happening.

 

Flash forward two hours later, Alex was leaning against a wall, gripping a red cup (filled with pepsi), that he hadn't touched, watching as Laf, Herc and John danced around in a circle, laughing hysterically and stumbling about. 

He sighed, and raised an eyebrow as John broke away from the circle and walked, (managing to fall twice) over to Alex. "Hey babe," He smiled down at Alex. Alex sighed, and arched an eyebrow.

" _Babe_? We're using pet names now?"

John just nodded, smiling even brighter. Alex didn't smile back, just shook his head up at John. "You're so drunk, Laurens."

John nodded his head, before he realised what he was doing, then switched to roughly _shaking_ his head. "No. No I...I'm not _drun...drunk_  babe." As soon as he said that, he hiccupped. Alex sighed and arched an eyebrow.

Alex opened his mouth to talk but before he could, Herc made his way over to them. He raised his hand with less coordination than a concussed troll and slurred more than spoke, "Beeeerrr."

Alex rolled his eyes and shook his head at Herc, "Don't you think you've had enough, Hercules?"

Herc just furrowed his eyebrow and shook his head, " _No?_ " 

Alex sighed, "Are you _asking_ me?"

Herc shook his head again before he made his way back over to Laf who was sloppily making out with a girl a lot shorter than him, his hands in her hair. Herc tried to pull Laf off the girl, which ended in Herc being pushed away as Laf fell on the floor, the girl on top of him, giggiling.

God, Alex _really hated_ parties.

" _John,_ " He said turning around to face John as he folded his arms.

"Babe," John smirked, his eyes glistening.

Alex ignored that comment and kept talking, "Are you going to be hungover tomorrow? When we have our debate? Cause if you are I'll fucking kill you," He said curtly, slightly annoyed at John.

"No babe. I'ma be totally chill. I'ma make Jefferson...piss himself with ma hella good debating skills." John was getting excited now and was bouncing up and down, moving his hands around in sporadic gestures. "We're gonna win this babe. Jefferson and Madison are gonna totally..." John paused and hiccuped before he continued on, "LOSE! Jefferson's gonna lose."

Alex sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You're so _fucking drunk_ , John," He muttered. John just smirked and pulled Alex into a bear-hug, which Alex fought against but John was a lot stronger and taller. 

"I really like you," John muttered into the hug.

JOHN

I should tell him I love him, John told himself as he hugged Alex. His mind was in a frenzy and everything he thought seemed like a shout. The world was spinning slightly and his legs were giving way but everything was good. Everything was fun. Under the influence of alcohol, everything seemed fun. John tried to count how many drinks he'd had in his head but he'd forgotten. Each drink he'd been offered had seemed like a better and better idea. And with each red cup he downed, the jokes got funnier, the dancing got better and his head got a little bit dizzier. The party is electric, everyone feeding off of everyone else's smiles and laughs and drunken jokes.

John felt Alex sigh under the hug so he pulled away, frowning down at Alex as he held him at arms length. "I'm not...not drunk, babe."

John doesn't know why he keeps calling Alex babe. He thinks its because he just likes calling him babe. Alex doesn't appear to like it. Or maybe he just doesn't like John being a bit drunk. Cause he was only a bit drunk. Only a tinny bit.

Alex just frowns even deeper, looking up at John with an emotion that John couldn't place. Suddenly, as if Alex being upset was so cold, John felt a lot more sober. He grabbed Alex's hand and started to pull him out of the kitchen. 

"What are you doing?" Alex asked, his tone harsh.

"We're leaving," John shrugged, turning to face Alex.

Alex looked up at him, brows furrowed and confusion pained on his face. "What?" 

"We're leaving," John smiled, squeezing Alex's hand as he smiled. 

"Why?" Alex said, tugging on John, causing him to stop walking. 

"Cause you don't want to be here. And it's a pretty shit party."

"John...we can stay, really...it's fine," Alex smiled faintly. John knew he was lying.

So he shook his head and started walking again, "I don't want to stay," He said in a sing-song voice.

Alex opened his mouth but John cut him off. "I want to go back to Laf's and kiss you. And then beat the shit out of Jefferson tomorrow."

Alex smiled softly and squeezed John's hand before he went to talk, but before he could, a familiar voice doubled in volume from behind John. He turned around to be met with Jefferson's sneer and Madison standing awkwardly behind him.

"I heard my name," Jefferson smirked, his hands nonchalantly in his pockets as he leered at John and Alex. John growled and he felt Alex tugging at his sweater. He thought about shoving Alex off, but then he remembered what Alex's face had looked like the last time he'd gotten into a fight, so John forced his breathing steady and just smirked up at Jefferson.

"Me and Alex were just discussing how we were going to beat you tomorrow." Jefferson smirked and looked down at Alex, who was smaller than both John and Jefferson by about two inches. He opened his mouth to no doubt mock them but shut it when his eyes wandered down to their joined hands. Shock flashed over his face quickly, but then he fell back into his normal sneer.

"Is _he_ your _rebound_ , Laurens?"

John growled, forgetting about not wanting to punch Jefferson. In that moment, all he wanted to do was slam his fist into Jefferson's stupid face. He was seriously considering using physical persuasion. When John didn't drop Alex's hand, but rather gripped it harder, Jefferson whistled. "Didn't know you were playing for the other team, Laurens."

John snarled at Jefferson but let Alex softly pull him away by the hand. He heard Jefferson shouting and calling after them as they walked away, but John was a bit too drunk to walk straight, let alone fight with anyone.

"I hate him so much," John said when they were alone, walking down the dark and empty streets. Alex nodded and said I know, as he texted Lafayette, telling him that they'd meet at his flat. "I _really_ hate him." 

Alex sighed and pulled on John's hand, causing him to stop walking. "We have to beat them tomorrow," John snarled.

"We will," Alex said, running his thumb over John's hand. It made John's stomach flip (in a good way). "I really like you," Alex muttered, his face moving up to John.

"I really like you too," John murmured before he pulled Alex into a kiss.

 


	16. You Must Be Out of Your Goddamn Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't kiss you when you're all the way up there."
> 
> Thomas and Alex argue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a long one y'all, soz x enjoy though

JOHN

Alex was bouncing up and down, his hands fidgeting as he grinned up at John. "We can do this. We're totally going to win this. Jefferson's gonna fuck himself. I mean, I heard that he has a secret weapon or something, but that doesn't matter, we're still gonna beat the shit out of them. Why?" He said to John, eyebrow arched.

" _Why_?" John sighed, trying to hide his smile. 

"Because we are the fucking _best_ , Laurens. The fucking best. We're amazing!"

They were outside the lecture hall and John was trying (and failing) to calm Alex down. He'd made the mistake of taking Alex to The Grind and allowing him to have practically gallons of coffee; A, because now Alex was extremely hyper and over excited and B, because Peggy had been working that morning. They'd walked in, thankfully not holding hands or kissing because John had locked onto Peggy's eyes as soon as they'd stepped in. She'd looked over at him, her eyes watering, and he'd smiled but she'd just lightly shook her head and walked away into the back. John had felt Alex stiffen next to him as soon as he'd seen Peggy. He'd tried to talk to John about it, but John had just shaken his head and ordered their coffee, wanting to get the hell out of there.

"We better win. I mean...we've got that internship with Adams in a week. And Jefferson and Madison got it too. I'm not going to go into a internship as a loser," John said, watching as Alex payed with John's bag strap.

Alex grinned as he let go of John and started jumping from foot to foot. "We'll go into that internship as winners."

"Winners," John nodded, trying not to let Alex see how nervous he was. John sighed and tried to reassure himself. It wasn't like he was going to have to really say anything anyway, he was pretty sure Alex wasn't going to let anyone get a word in. 

"We can do this, John!" Alex laughed, gripping all of his books as his laptop balanced on top.

John just nodded and was about to shove Alex inside when his phone beeped. He looked down and winced when he saw the text.

 **(** **9:23** **) Marthamoo: Been a while stranger. U never called me back**

" _Fuck,_ " He muttered. She was pissed at him. There was no kiss, no joke. The sure indications of Martha's wrath.

John sighed before looking over at Alex, who was looking up at John, worry in his eyes. John tried a faint smile but Alex didn't buy it. "Is it Martha?" He guessed. Of course Alex guessed who it was. He was so fucking smart. John just nodded and shut his phone off.

"I'll text her back later."

Alex looked like he wanted to argue, but he just nodded as they started walking in. There wasn't a lot of people in the corridors, just early professors and chatting students. "Have you told her yet?" Alex asked. John looked down at him, eyebrow arched, a smirk on his face. 

Alex rolled his eyes and elbowed him. "No. I haven't told her. _Yet._ I am going to," John said, smiling down at him. Alex just nodded and faced forward as they walked. 

"Have you...have you talked to Peggy?" Alex asked, his tone soft, not looking at John.

John just shook his head, his jaw clenching. He gritted his teeth as they walked forward. He'd only seen Peggy twice since she'd returned to NYU. The first time had been at Laf's, at the first Friday party after the break. John had turned up with Alex. They'd let themselves in with John's spare key and they'd been laughing, holding hands. But as soon as John had heard Peggy's twinkling laugh, he'd dropped Alex's hand and his breathing had sped up rapidly. Alex had looked hurt but the only thing John had been worried about was the fact that Peggy was there. Did she know he was here? Why hadn't he been told that she was going to be here? Shit! What was he meant to do?

It wasn't as if John was ashamed of Alex, because he wasn't. Alex was amazing. He just wanted to talk to Peggy first before she found out through Jefferson or something stupid like that. John had walked into the living room, leaving Alex standing in the kitchen and he'd stood in the threshold, watching Peggy laugh and giggle. She'd been sitting on the sofa and Laf had been sitting on the floor below him. She'd been playing with his hair and teasing him, to which Laf had just rolled his eyes. Angelica, Eliza and Hercules had been there too, all facing away from John.

"If things don't work out with this relationship of yours..." She'd said as she'd plaited his curly hair.

"I'm not in _a relationship,_ " Laf had protested, but John had noticed how he'd glanced sideways at Hercules. Laf hasn't admitted that he was going out with Angelica to Alex and John yet, but he'd probably already told Hercules. John was't mad, Laf and Herc were really close, he understood.

"Yeah. You definitely are Laf." Peggy had leaned down, closer. "Anyway, if they cheated on you-"

"They would never cheat on me," Laf had rolled his eyes before he'd realised his mistake. "Oh merde. No. I didn't mean that. I'm...I'm not in a relationship, I-"

Peggy had leapt up, laughing. "Knew it!" She'd grinned, pointing at Laf. "I called it..." She'd turned around and noticed John lingering in the threshold. Her face had fallen and she'd clenched her jaw. " _What_?" She'd said, looking accusingly at Lafayette. "You said he wasn't going to be here, Laf."

John had paled and he'd held his breath. 

Laf had cringed, as if he'd just realised that it had probably been a bad idea to invite them both. "I just thought you guys needed to talk and-"

"That's not for you to decide. You don't get to decide when I talk and who I talk to!" Peggy had shouted at Laf before she'd glared accusingly at her sisters. "Did you two know about this?"

When Angelica and Eliza hadn't replied and had just looked at each other, Peggy had screamed in frustration and stormed out of the room, pushing past John, not even sparing him a look.Everyone had flinched when the front door had slammed. They'd sat there for a frozen second before Eliza and Angelica had jumped up, quickly apologised to Laf, before they'd ran out of the flat, chasing after Peggy. 

John had just sighed and leaned against the doorway. "What the fuck, guys?" He'd muttered, slumping down onto the floor. 

John hadn't stayed mad at Laf and Herc though, they apologised and he'd gingerly forgiven them. It was hard to stay angry at his friends.

The second time John had seen Peggy had been that morning, in the coffee shop.

As John and Alex walked through the corridors, he tried to push Peggy out of his mind. He didn't miss her as a girlfriend, he missed her as a friend, because that's what they'd been originally. They'd been friends for a year before they'd dated. He just missed...Peggy. 

John sighed as they pushed open the door and made their way into the lecture hall. Even Washington wasn't here yet. John didn't know why he'd let Alex convince him to turn up this early. Alex practically ran into the hall, shoving his books on a desk. "We're so early, Alex." 

Alex just shrugged and started opening up his books. "What time is it?" John asked as he opened up his own bag. 

"Uh, half...half nine," Alex said sheepishly. 

"We're here _forty five_ minutes early?"

Alex spun around and tried a smile. "Maybe," He shrugged, stepping over to John.

"I hate you and your early bird ways,” John muttered as Alex threw his arms around John's neck.

"No you don't," Alex laughed, smiling brightly up at John. "You really, _really like me_."

"I don't remember the _two_ reallys, Alex," John muttered.

Alex just shrugged, still smiling. "You know," He said, craning up on his toes. "I can't kiss you when you're all the way up there." He nuzzled John's neck, pressing a kiss beneath his jaw. That was as high as Alex could reach with his height.

“Perhaps you could try your knees?" He asked, looking up at John as he wiggled his eyebrows.

John laughed and scooped him up easily, setting Alex down so that he was sitting on the desk, finally a bit taller than John. "C'mere," He muttered, leaning in.

They spent thirty-five minutes out of the forty-five, kissing and holding hands instead of preparing. Washington walked in five minutes after they’d stopped, and John had never been so thankful that he’d stopped kissing someone in his life before.

“Mr Hamilton. Mr Laurens.” He’d nodded to the two boys as they’d set up their laptops. “Are you prepared?”

Yes sir, Alex said as John nodded. “I heard you both got into Professor Adam’s internship with the law case. Is that correct?”

John nodded as Alex smiled and said, “Yes sir, we are both very grateful for the opportunity. We both want to be lawyers and this is a great opportunity to ease into the profession.” John forgot where he was for a moment and he accidentally snorted at Alex’s comment. It was only when Alex stared at him, eyes wide, that John went bright red and turned to face Washington. He expected the professor to be angry but Washington just looked at John curiously, eyebrow arched.

”Do you disagree with Mr Hamilton’s comment, Mr Laurens?” He asked as he sat down at his desk.

John gulped and shook his head."Uh...no sir...it’s an amazing opportunity for anyone that wants to become a lawyer...but-”

Washington cut him off. “But you don’t want to be a lawyer?” He guessed as he leaned back in his chair.

John gulped and nodded, glancing at Alex, who was gazing at John, confused. “No sir. I don’t.”

“Then why are you taking Law...and Political Sciences?” Washington asked, smiling up at John. 

“My father, he...uh...he really wants me to be a lawyer. Sir, and he's paying for this. It's what he wants for me,” John stumbled on his words, aware of Alex’s eyes baring into his back.

“But it’s not what you want.” 

John couldn’t tell if Washington was asking or stating, but he nodded anyway. “No. It’s not sir.”

”And what do you want to do? An artist, I presume.”

John’s brows furrowed. “What? How did you...how did you know?” 

Washington smiled and pulled out a piece of paper from his desk. He stood up and handed it to John before he smiled down at him. “You left this on your desk after one of my lectures. People normally want to do what they’re passionate about. And it’s clear that that’s what your passionate about.” 

John looked up from the piece of paper, looking at Washington, his face full of emotion. 

“You must excuse me, but I’ve seemed to have left something in the faculty room. I assume that people will start arriving soon, the debate is starting in five minutes.” And with that he walked out, leaving Alex and John alone.

”You don’t want to be a lawyer?” Alex asked as he stepped in front of John.

”No,” John said softly as he looked back down at the paper. Washington had handed John a drawing he’d done the day class had let out. It was a drawing of Alex, smiling and laughing. 

“I didn’t know. You should’ve told me, John,” Alex said, his throat bobbing as he looked up at John.

John just sighed and shoved the drawing into his bag. “Why? It doesn’t matter,” He said, trying to avoid the conversation as Alex grabbed John's hand.

“Uh, yeah. It kinda does, John. I mean...”

But Alex was interrupted by Jefferson’s annoying voice booming out from the door. “If it isn’t the happy couple?” 

John sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before he turned around to face him. “Jefferson. Madison,” He said as he dropped Alex's hand to fold his arms.

Jefferson smirked as him and James made their way into the room, and started unpacking their stuff on the other side of the room. “Oh. It’s not just us,” Jefferson sneered, facing Alex and John.

“What are you talking about?” Alex asked, eyebrow arched.

“We’re a team of three,” Madison smiled at Alex and John as they looked at them, brows arched and eyes narrowed. 

“I only see two,” John remarked, folding his arms as he glared at Madison and Jefferson.

“Look again, Laurens,” A voice came from behind Jefferson and Madison. They both stepped to the side to reveal a smirking Burr, arms folded and smiling at John and ALex. 

John felt his nerves start up again. Burr was amazing at debating, and he was _also_ on the internship. Jefferson and Madison might actually beat them, if they had Burr on their side. They were so fucked. This had completely thrown John off his game. He just stood there mouth slightly parted. 

" _Burr’s_ your secret weapon?” Alex laughed from beside John. “What’s he going to say? ‘Uh... _I don’t actually care about this subject_ ’?” 

Burr clenched his jaw, but he didn’t argue back. He just shrugged and turned around, setting up his laptop, finishing the conversation. 

Madison and Jefferson walked back over to their side, but Jefferson managed to thrown a smug look at John and Alex before he turned around.

”We’re fucked,” John whispered to Alex as they walked back to their side of the room. "They got _Burr_?"

Alex just smirked and shook his head. “Don't doubt us, Laurens. We’ve got this. _Babe_.” John rolled his eyes. Since John had said that last night at the party, Alex had been relentless. He’d thrown babe into their conversations a hundred time, laughing when John sighed.

"I'm not _doubting_ _us,_ " John muttered, tying his hair up. Alex smiled and went to talk but shut his mouth when everyone started to walk in. John sighed and fell down onto his chair. He watched as Alex paced and muttered to himself, moving his hands in almost a dance. John smiled softly until he watched as Alex made his way over to someone in the first row. Angelica. 

John hadn't talked to Angelica or Eliza since Peggy had broken up with him. There had been awkward smiles and passing nods of the head, but there had been no real conversations. John's breath hitched when Alex started to talk to her, but they seemed fine. They were talking and laughing and Angelica didn't seem angry. Alex said something to Angelica which made her look over at John, her eyes wide. John felt himself go red and he looked down, pretending to look at his laptop. When she looked back to Alex, John looked up. She didn't say anything else, she just nodded. Alex said something else, and Angelica just shrugged before she smiled faintly.

John looked up at Alex, eyebrow raised as he sat down next to him. "What did you say to Angelica?"

Alex sighed and turned to face John. "I didn't want to lie to her, John."

John felt his face go even redder and he exhaled deeply. "Alex..."

" _I_ didn't tell her!" Alex protested. "She guessed. Or maybe Laf told her. But the important thing here is, I didn't tell her and I didn't betray _your_ trust. _Babe_." He smiled up at John as he opened his laptop. 

John didn't say anything, he just pushed his tongue into his cheek. Alex started muttering to himself again. John just gritted his teeth as he narrowed his eyes at Burr, on the other side of the room. Burr looked up from his book and met John's stare. He just smiled civilly back and it made John clench his fists. Burr was sitting in-between Jefferson and Madison and John felt like it was his judgement day and Jefferson, Madison and Burr were his judge, jury and executioner. 

He exhaled deeply and pursed his lips when Jefferson leaned into Burr and whispered something, causing Burr to laugh lightly and nod. Jefferson slowly turned to face John and sneered.

John gritted his teeth when Jefferson arched an eyebrow at Alex, then moved his gaze back to John. "Jesus Christ, he's such a dick," John said, turning to Alex.

Alex just nodded, still scrolling through his laptop. "I know. That's why we're going to beat him. So...our plan," Alex started, facing John.

"I'm going to stand next to you and just back you up. And slash or, if you get too heated up or over excited, I'll reign you back in," John smirked.

Alex cocked his head at John before he smiled. "I'm not going to get _over excited_." 

"Okay. What ever you say." 

Alex shook his head. "Shut up. _Babe_." John sighed and went to open his mouth when Washington walked in.

"Okay, shall we get started?" He clapped his hands and made his way to the front of the class. He looked from Alex and John to Madison, Jefferson and Burr. "The argument is 'Is _power equivalent to corruption and evil?_ ' Mr Jefferson's team is for and Mr Hamilton's team is against. Mr Jefferson, you have the floor first."

Jefferson pushed his chair back, and slowly stood up. He was wearing a sweatshirt with some french on it. Alex probably could read it (he was fluent) but John couldn't, so he settled with assuming that it was pretentious shit. Jefferson casually slung his hands in his pockets as he walked to the front of the table and leaned against it, looking out into the crowd of students. 

"When you have power, you're in control. The people who commit crimes and get away with them, the ones who hate without any punishments, the ones who discriminate without consequences. They're all in control. Alexander, you must know what it feels like to be _discriminated._ You too, John." John clenched his jaw, but stayed still in his seat. He knew what Jefferson was talking about, he knew what he was trying to do. He was making comments at John and Alex, but John wouldn't give him the satisfaction of letting him get to him.

"You must have felt hated at some point in your life. Must have felt ashamed. Those people were in power. Weren't they?" John stayed still, but Alex nodded slowly, eyebrow arched. "If a hurricane, say destroyed an island," John felt Alex stiffen beside him but when he looked at him, Alex was keeping his eyes furiously trained on Jefferson. "Then the hurricane would have the higher power," Jefferson folded his arms, "As soon as one has more power than the thing it's attacking, it's evil." Alex shuffled in his seat, either he was uncomfortable, or he disagreed, John assumed that it was the latter. "That's just a given," Jefferson smiled, happy with himself.

"But it's not," Alex said, standing up quickly, his chair skidding. "It's not _just a given,_ " He shook his head. "You are ignoring all the great people that were in power. Obama. Nelson Mandela. Martin Luther King. Countless people that inspired others by being in power. They weren't corrupted or evil. They used their power for _good_."

Jefferson narrowed his eyes and pushed himself off of the desk, and walked a couple of steps towards Alex, who was still standing behind the desk, hands spread on the surface. "I think you'll find Mr Jefferson, that in order to be classified as evil and corrupted, one would need to _abuse_  one's power. Not merely have it. Evil stems from when someone in power and can't see past their own wants."

Alex smiled and folded his arms, pleased with himself. Jefferson just narrowed his eyes at Alex as Madison said softly from beside him, "Napoleon."

Jefferson grinned, and seized Madison's example. "James is right. _Animal Farm, for example_. Napoleon believed in equal rights before he grabbed the power, and he couldn't give up on it. Therefore, power _corrupts_."

Alex shook his head, and walked to the front of their desk. "We can't singlehandedly say that Napoleon did what he did because he had _power_. We also can't say that he did what he did because he was evil. The two factors both need to contribute to each other. There have been many examples in which power did not mean evil or corruption."

" _But Alexander_ ," Jefferson said in a condesending tone. "We have more examples of power being used for evil than you do of it being used for good." Alex narrowed his eyes and his fists clenched. John noticed his jaw move, a sign of Alex's anger, so John stood up, staring down Jefferson.

" _But Jefferson_ ," John mimicked Jefferson, completely forgetting to use his first name. "Even if we only had one example of power being used for good, it could potentially subside the debate."

John had hoped that that would end the debate, but of course Jefferson, Madison and Burr were relentless. As soon as John talked, Burr stood, and started arguing with his point. 

John sighed and sat back down, letting Alex argue for them. The debate lasted two hours.

Alex and John won, _thank god_. John had sat there, watching Alex passionately argue with Jefferson and Burr. He only had to stand up a couple of times, to back up Alex's points with facts and statistics. John just watched Alex argue and pick apart Jefferson's debate. He smiled proudly as Alex shook his head and gestured wildly. They almost got disqualified a couple of times, due to Alex's language. For example, straight after Jefferson said something, Alex had laughed sharply and said, "You must be out of your goddamn mind-" only to be cut off by Washington and told to settle down.

But, they still won. After Washington had silenced both teams, and Alex had returned to John at the table, and Jefferson and Burr had returned to theirs, Washington thanked them and praised them before announcing, "Both teams put up a very good fight, however I must say...that the win goes to Hamilton and Laurens."

Alex and John leapt up laughing and high-fiving before all of the students ran down to them, huddling around them as they congratulated them and clapped their backs. John nodded to Washington, who smiled before leaving the room.

"Hell yeah, Turtle!" Alex yelled, "Oh yeah! We fucking won! I told you we were amazing!"

John opened his arms to hug Alex but he shook his head, "I need the toilet." He said, still grinning. Alex practically ran out of the room but before he did, he went up to Jefferson and pushed all of his books off of the table and shouted, "Suck it, Jefferson!"

John stood there, eyebrow arched as he watched Alex run, laughing, out of the room, leaving a pissed off Jefferson to pick up his books. He felt a presence come up beside him and he smiled softly when he looked down at Angelica. "He didn't have time to _hug me_ but he had time to do _that_?"

Angelica laughed and smiled up at John. "I'm sorry, John. For not being there for you after Peggy..." She trailed off.

"Dumped me," He finished, nodding. He didn't have a problem with admitting it anymore.

"Yeah," She sighed.

"It's fine. I get it," John shrugged as he watched everyone else in the class disperse out of the room. "I mean, she's your sister. You had to be there for her."

"Yes, she is, but you're my friend. One of my _close friends,_ " She sighed again, and leaned against the table. "I should've been there for _you_ aswell."

John shook his head. "She was right to dump me. I wasn't really  _there_ for our relationship..." He sighed, he wasn't explaining this very well. He groaned as he sat down at the desk. "I mean. I was there, but not _there_. I should've spent more time with her. I put my friends before her."

Angelica pursed her lips and sat down next to him. "No you didn't," She said, shaking her head. John arched an eyebrow. "You were going out for a year and everything was fine between you, John. Not _great_. Never great. Personally, I always thought that you and Peggy were better friends. You were always both just _fine_. And you had the same friends then, as you do now, John." John bit his lip, he was pretty sure he knew where Angelica was going with this. "The only thing that changed was-"

" _Alex_."

"Yeah, Alex," Angelica smiled softly. "You put _Alex_ before Peggy. Because you were never in love with Peggy. It just took someone that you actually love to show you that." John's breath hitched in his throat. "You do love him, right? I mean, I just thought, the way you look at him, the way you were looking at him during the debate, you never looked at Peggy like that."

John just shrugged, and suddenly stood up, hauling his bag onto his shoulder. "I've uh...I've gotta go find Alex." He said to Angelica, leaving her alone in the hall.

"Congratulations for winning the debate," She called after him.

As he walked down the corridor, looking for Alex, his heart was pounding against his chest, like a rock in a wooden box. _Did_ he love Alex?


	17. Let's Have Another Round Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Get the fuck away from my boyfriend."
> 
> Thomas and Alex square up.

ALEX

Alex couldn't stop smiling as he walked with John to Laf's. He didn't think he'd stopped smiling all day, since they'd won the debate. It was half nine at night and they were walking to Laf's apartment together. The debate had ended nine hours ago, but John and Alex had both had a free schedule so they'd both just decided to spend the day together, walking around New York. They'd spend most of the day in their secret garden, just sitting and talking. Well, Alex had talked and John had listened. Whenever Alex had tried to get John to talk about himself, John had just smiled, shook his head and pushed his lips against Alex's, enveloping him in a kiss. When they'd finally managed to get themselves out of their garden, they'd stopped into every coffee shop they'd passed. Alex getting a black coffee every time, laughing as John ordered the most frivolous and sugary drink. 

When they'd been on their seventh coffee shop, Laf had texted them.

**( 3:49 ) Baguette: Mon amis, party at mine. 10**

**( 3:49 ) Baguette: Don't fight me on this Alex. Ur both coming**

Alex had been adamant at first that they weren't going, but John had persuaded him into going. "It'll be like our _reward,_ " John had smiled, egging Alex on. 

"Doesn't sound like a very good reward," Alex had sighed but had finally given in.

That's what they were doing now, walking over to Laf's, in the heart of the city.

"We won," He said again, for the hundredth time. He looked up at John and laughed as he rolled his eyes but smiled softly. 

"Yes, Alex. _I was_ there," John smirked, elbowing him. They were walking down an empty street; no cars, no people, only John and Alex.

Alex smiled even brighter as John pulled Alex's hand into his own, intertwining their fingers. "I miss the stars," John sighed sadly, tipping his head up to the sky.

The sky above was dark and featureless apart from the occasional blinking light of a plane. "The stars?" Alex asked, running his fingers along John's knuckles. 

"Yeah. The stars in South Carolina," John smiled wishfully up at the sky. "I used to sit under the willow tree and watch the stars with my little brother, James."

"How old is he? James?" Alex asked, watching John gaze at the invisible stars. The bright orange street lights were illuminating his face, causing an orange shadow on his chiseled jaw.

"Seventeen," John said, looking down at Alex. "He's two years younger than me."

"You've got...four siblings, yeah?" Alex said, watching as John nodded, still looking up at the dark and empty sky.

"Yeah. Henry, James, Martha and Mary. I'm the oldest."

"It must've been fun. To have a big family," He bit his lip when he noticed John slightly wince. 

"I guess it was," John sighed, his head falling, after a few moments of walking in silence. "I mean. It was amazing before...before mum died. Then it got pretty shit. Well, _really shit_ , actually."

Alex sighed, running his fingers along John's hand. "I'm-"

John shook his head, looking forward. "Don't say you're sorry. _Please_ don't feel sorry for me."

"I'll never not feel sorry for you,” Alex said, pulling John to a stand-still. "It won't ever stop breaking my heart." 

John gulped before he turned around to face Alex, his green eyes full of emotion. "You shouldn't feel sorry for me, Alex," John said softly. "Not with what you went through." Alex's breath hitched, and he gulped as he shook his head.

"That doesn't mean I can't feel sorry for you, John."

"But you went through so much more and-"

"That doesn't matter, John!" Alex said, even he could hear the anger start to drip into his voice as he got louder. "That doesn't matter. It _shouldn't_ matter, John!"

John looked down at him, his face still, and they stayed like that for a couple of moments, both just silently looking at each other. John's eyes searched over Alex's face as Alex stood there, gripping John's hand with his jaw clenched. 

After a couple of moments, John nodded slowly, and pulled Alex close to him. They started walking again, John's arm around Alex. John pressed a kiss to Alex's head and muttered, "I really, really like you, Hamilton."

Alex smiled, and leaned closer into John. " _Two reallys_? Now, we're getting somewhere, Laurens."

 

They arrived at Laf's, expecting the usual annual Friday party, maybe with a few extra chips since they'd won the debate, but even before they got up to Laf's apartment, the music was thundering. " _Jesus,_ " Alex said as they walked up the stairs. 

They pulled open Laf's front door to reveal a massive party. The real fucking deal. There was screaming students, red cups littered everywhere and music pounding. "Oh my fucking god," John said as they made their way through the mayhem into the living room. They couldn't find Laf or Herc, but Alex spotted Angelica sitting on the kitchen counter, rolling her eyes at Burr who was smirking up at her. 

Eliza was there too, chatting politely to Maria. Alex sighed and turned around, expecting to see John, but he wasn't there. He'd disappeared. Alex spun around, craning his neck, but he couldn't find John in the sea of people dancing and laughing. Alex cringed as he made his way through the crowd, ending up in the kitchen, next to Angelica. She grinned down at him and wrapped him in an awkward hug, since she was sitting on the counter, and he was standing on the floor. "Hey Alex." She grinned brightly.

"Are you drunk? Cause I really can't deal with that if you are,” Alex smiled, arching an eyebrow at Angelica. She shook her head and held her hands up in mock innocence.

"No. Just happy," She shrugged, and gestured with her head to Burr who was still standing there, glaring at Alex. "He's totally smashed though."

"Hello Burr," Alex tried, but Aaron just growled and turned around, walking into the sea of people. Alex snorted and turned back to Angelica, who was roaring with laughter, her head back and her whole body shaking. 

"Congrats by the way," Angelica said after she'd calmed down.

Alex pushed himself up onto the counter to sit next to her. "Thanks."

"So, where's your boyfriend run off to?" Angelica asked, scanning the crowd.

"He's not my boyfriend, Angelica," Alex said, frowning slightly.

"Has he gone off with Laf and Herc on a mad one?" She asked, completely ignoring his last comment.

Alex rolled his eyes and nudged her, "I hate when you use english idioms."

Angelica smirked and ran her fingers through her long black hair, she'd straightened it and it looked nice. Angelica always looked nice. She was always wearing nice clothes and her hair always looked nice. She just always looked nice. Tonight she was wearing a short pink dress paired with silver Dr Martens. "Hey, I stayed there for a while. It was nice! They have a great way with language," She smirked up at Alex. 

They talked for a couple of minutes before Angelica said, "Well, I found Laf and Herc," pointing out into the crowd. Alex turned to where she was pointing, to see Laf on his dining table, doing some sort of a jig, his arms flailing around, as he shouted and laughed. Hercules was clapping his hands and laughing, looking up in awe at his friend. "They're so fucking drunk." Alex muttered, pinching his nose.

Angelica laughed, and started talking, "Yeah, they're very..." But her eyes got wide and she abruptly shut her mouth. 

"What?" Alex questioned, trying to look for what had made her pause. 

"It's nothing, just-"

But then Alex saw it. He followed Angelica's line of vision to see John. He smiled, and went to push himself up off the counter when he noticed who John was talking to. _Peggy_. "What?" Alex said absently, looking up at Angelica, doe-eyed. 

"Alex, I'm sure they're just talking."

Alex shoved the worry down into his stomach and nodded. "Yeah. I mean, I trust him. Completely."

Angelica nodded and smiled, but Alex noticed how she gritted her teeth. "Peggy wouldn't do anything anyway. And John wouldn't either."

Alex nodded again, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah. Yeah. Of course. They're just talking."

He went to move off of the counter and go get Laf and Herc off of the table (Herc had joined Laf) when he heard someone call his name behind him. Alex and Angelica both turned around to see Jefferson and Burr standing behind them, arms folded and eyes narrowed. 

" _Jefferson,_ " Alex said through gritted teeth.

Jefferson exhaled through his nose and folded his arms. "Where's Laurens? I mean, aren't you his rebound?"

Alex felt the anger rise up in him and he clenched his fists. "Fuck off Jefferson." 

"That's not very polite," Jefferson smirked, as he ran his tongue over his teeth. 

"Piss off," Angelica spat, placing her hand on Alex's shoulder.

Jefferson just arched an eyebrow at her. "That's not very _ladylike_ , Miss Schuyler. I would expect more from an upper class lady like yourself." Angelica snarled and narrowed her eyes, barking a sharp laugh that completely lacked humour. 

"You're disgusting," She pursed her lips.

Jefferson just smirked, and turned his attention back to Alex. "You didn't answer my question, Hamilton. Where's Laurens?"

"Why do you care?" Alex spat, trying to keep his nerves and anger hidden. 

"You see, I'm a dear friend of Peggy," at that Angelica snorted but Jefferson just ignored her and kept sprouting shit. "And I don't think that you and Laurens are being very fair on her. I think Peggy deserves to know."

Alex clenched his jaw. "That's not up to _you_ to decide, Jefferson." He knew that Jefferson didn't care about Peggy, he just wanted to cause drama. To make Alex's life as shit as he could.

"I don't see anyone stopping me," Jefferson smirked, folding his arms. 

"You're just angry because John and Alex beat you at the debate," Angelica said, rolling her eyes.

"No," Jefferson shrugged, but Alex noticed his throat bob. "I just hate Hamilton. He's a dick. As is Laurens. So sad and pathetic with his little, ' _my mum died_ ' act. Oh, everyone, feel bad for me."

As soon as Jefferson said that, Alex was away from Angelica's side and was directly across from Jefferson. "Take that back," He spat, anger coursing through his veins as he stared up at Jefferson's stupid smug face. He didn't even know how Jefferson knew about John's mum, because John didn't tell anyone. Especially not people like Jefferson.

Jefferson sighed and bent down slightly before he took a breath in and said, " _No_."

Alex growled and suddenly his fist was connecting with Jefferson's jaw. Jefferson stumbled back, surprised, before he snarled and made his way towards Alex, fists clenched and anger plastered all over his face. Alex breathed in, and shut his eyes, ready for the hard punch that was about to be inflicted on him, but it never came. 

Alex opened one eye at a time to see John standing in front of him, staring down Jefferson who was standing straight, confusion on his face. John snarled, stood straight, and clenched his fists, before he talked.

" _Get the fuck away from my boyfriend_."


	18. That Never Used to Happen Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Waiting for you to decide to love me.”
> 
> Peggy and John sort some things out.

PEGGY

Peggy normally liked parties. She might even go as far as to say she loved them. Loved the laughing and the dancing and the music, one amazing song after the other. She loved living in the moment, loved not worrying about consequences. She felt like a different person when she was surrounded by her friends, especially when she was surrounded by lots of friends that were dancing and laughing and drinking. She felt like... _Angelica_. Like she was powerful and confident like her eldest sister. Like she was beautiful and smart like Angelica. 

This party was different. She wasn’t drinking or dancing. She wasn’t laughing hysterically or dancing on the table with Laf and Herc. She was standing alone, watching the chaos.

She’d arrived four hours before the actual party had started. She’d gotten a text from Laf just as she’d finished her shift at The Grind. She’d already been stressed out after seeing John. When he’d walked in, her heart had stopped. She’d almost dropped the mug she’d been holding. Just seeing him again had been too much. His careless smile. The way his dimples creased when he laughed. Peggy had always liked John’s laugh. His hearty laugh was in his green eyes, in the way John’s face changed into a vision of relaxed happiness and unrestrained joy. Just being around John for a minute had been enough to make Peggy’s heart soar.

Or at least, it _had_ , before Peggy stopped seeing a lot of John. When John and her hadn’t really been speaking, Peggy had spent hours in her room, thinking back to John and her’s old relationship, scanning through their texts and pictures, searching for any clue that might show her where it had all gone wrong. Then she’d began remembering where they’d ever been _good_. No, that was a lie. They’d always been good. But Peggy didn’t think they’d ever been in _love_. 

 _Peggy_ had been in love with John. Unconditionally, absolutely and completely in love with him. She fell in love with him the first time she’d seen him. He’d been older and ridiculously good looking; with his long curly hair, his square jaw, chiselled features and six-pack. They’d met at one of Angelica’s parties (back when Angelica used to throw the best parties), and Laf had introduced them.

Peggy had just started college, and she didn’t really know anyone apart from her sisters and Laf (who she knew from visiting Angelica when she was in high school) and she had been stuck in a party, alone and younger than everyone there, standing in a corner, awkwardly holding a cup of beer that she hadn’t touched.

She must have looked pathetic, because Laf had made his way over to her, and asked why she wasn’t talking to anyone. 

“I don’t know anyone,” She’d answered simply, shrugging. Laf had just looked down at her and nodded, before disappearing into the crowd of people.

She’d stood there alone, in her bright yellow shirt and blue shorts, biting her lip and twirling her hair around her finger. She’d arched an eyebrow at Laf when he’d bounced back, holding someone’s wrist.

“Peg,” He’d said and pulled the person he was holding capture in front of him. Peggy had been met with a shy smile, and bright green eyes. “Hi,” The boy had said, throwing Peggy a small wave.

Peggy was pretty sure her mouth had dropped open. She’d thankfully managed to get her shit together, and shut her mouth before she smiled up at John. “Hi.”

“John Laurens meet Peggy Schuyler, she’s one of my close friends, and the younger _soeur_...I mean sister, of Angelica and Eliza Schuyler,” Lafayette has smiled as Peggy had shook John’s hand, her heart thumping.

“Peggy Schuyler meet John Laurens, he’s one of my bestest friends. Soccer player, artist and he’s got a pretty sweet southern accent.”

Instead of sinking back into the sea of people, like Laf and done, John had stayed next to Peggy. They somehow had made their way out onto Angelica’s balcony and sat there for the whole night, talking and laughing. That’s when Peggy had started falling in love with John Laurens.

They’d been friends for a year after that, Peggy not telling John how she felt. The only person she’d told was Laf. They hung out all together; herself, John, Laf, Hercules, Angelica and Eliza. They had been like the Friends group embodied (god, Peggy loved that show). Then, the day after Peggy had told Laf that she liked John, John had asked her out to see a film. Looking back now, Peggy could figure out what had happened there (Laf didn’t know when to keep his mouth shut)

They’d gone out on that date. Then a couple more. Then they were dating. Peggy Schuyler had been in love with John Laurens. John Laurens just hadn’t loved Peggy Schuyler back. Maybe he thought he had, but Peggy knew that what they had wasn’t love. It had never been love. Because for it to be love, both people had to be hopelessly head over heels for the other, and John had never been in love with Peggy. And it had gotten worse and worse as soon as Alex had turned up. Peggy had seen the way John looked at Alex, how he still looked at Alex. John had never looked at her like that. 

It had made Peggy angry at first, as if Alex was moving in on her territory. Yes, she knew now that that was stupid, John hadn’t been _hers_. He’d never been hers. 

But pretty quickly the anger had faded into tiredness and exasperation. And she’d given up. She’d given up on fighting for them. John didn’t love her. She couldn’t cling onto him forever. She couldn’t fight anymore. She knew that John might thank her for breaking up with him later, because in a strange way she’d set him free. John was never going to break up with her, John hadn’t realised that he hadn’t loved her, he hadn’t seen that their relationship had never been a real relationship. So, by breaking up with her, he was free to date Alex, the person he really loved.

So, seeing John laughing and happy with Alex had been too much for Peggy that morning in Grind. She’d pushed away her anxiety and walked out, unable to look at him. She didn’t love John anymore. She couldn’t love John anymore, not after realising that he didn’t (and maybe had never) love her. It wasn’t John’s fault. He was just oblivious. 

So, Peggy had ran out of the back of The Grind, just wanting to get as far away from John as possible, when she’d gotten a text from Laf. She’d frowned slightly when she’d read it. 

**( 8:45 ) Laf: stop by mine?**

Lafayette has texted Peggy about a million apologies after she’d ran out of his apartment after seeing John. But this one wasn’t an apology. Peggy had sighed and taken five minutes to decided what to do. She bit her lip as she’d texted Laf back.

**( 8:51 ) Peg: What time**

**( 8:51 ) Laf: now?**

Peggy was glad that she’d gone to see Laf. They’d talked, he’d apologised profusely and she’d forgiven him. She’d talked about John, and Laf had listened. Then he’d asked her to stay for the party he was throwing. She’d sighed, but had agreed anyway, desperately wanting something to take her mind off everything.

Now, Peggy was standing in a corner, holding a red cup that she hadn’t touched, watching with a slight smile on her face, as Laf and Herc danced on the table, whooping and hollering. She sighed as she was hit with serious déjà vu. Especially when she watched John walk in. He was laughing with Alex, and it made her breath hitch and her heart rattle.

She watched John and Alex walk into the middle of the crowd. She watched as Alex smiled up at John, just like she used to smile at him. She watched as John smiled down at Alex, as if he was the only person in the room, in the whole flat, in America, in the world that mattered.

He never looked at her like that. That never used to happen before.

She watched in silence as John’s eyes clicked onto her. She watched his bright green eyes, like fresh kelp on the shore, like freshly cut grass, watch her. She watched as he left Alexander’s side, and slowly made his way over to her. She didn’t smile up at him as he stood against the wall next to her, but she didn’t frown either. She just looked up at him, her throat bobbing.

“Hi,” John said, looking down at Peggy.

She stayed silent for a minute, deciding what to do, before she replied. “Hi.”

At that one word, John’s eyes lit up and a massive smile stretched across his face, but as soon as the bright smile appeared, it vanished and his eyes dimmed. 

“I...I...uh...I’m sorry, Peggy. I’m so sorry.”

Peggy shook her head. “Don’t be.”

John sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. “I wasn’t there for you. I should’ve been there. I should have paided more attention and I should’ve listened more and spent more time with you and-”

Peggy cut him off, “There was a lot of things you could’ve done better John. But you can’t apoligise for...you can’t apologise for the reason why I broke up with you.”

John looked down at her, confusion plastered on his face. “What do you mean? You broke up with me because I was a shit boyfriend.”

Peggy smiled softly and even laughed a bit. “No. Although, you kinda were.” John’s cheeks slowly went pink but Peggy continued on, “I broke up with you because I couldn’t keep fighting. I couldn’t keep waiting.”

”Waiting for what?” John asked, biting his lip. He did that when he was nervous. Peggy used to love it.

”Waiting for you to decide to love me.”

”I did love you. I do still love you,” John tried.

Peggy just lightly shook her head. “You love me like you love Laf and Herc. And my sisters. Not the way I loved you,” Peggy paused and looked at Alex laughing with Angelica. They were both sitting on the counter and Peggy’s sister was roaring with laughter. 

Peggy smiled softly as she looked back up at John. “Not the way you love Alex.”

John swallowed, and started chewing on his lip. “I wanted to talk to you about that first. Before you found out from anyone else. Did Jefferson tell you?” 

Peggy shook her head. Did everyone know that John was going out with Alex, apart from her? She only knew that they had a thing because she’d seen the way they looked at each other. But now she guessed they were official. She was fine with it. She really was fine with it.

“No. It was just pretty obvious.”

She laughed when John’s brows furrowed. “Obvious to everyone but _you_ , John.”

John smiled faintly. “That’s exactly what Laf said.”

“I missed you,” Peggy said as she leaned into John. “Not as _us,_ but I just missed you. I missed John Laurens.”

John nodded and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her into a hug, “I missed Peggy Schuyler.”

“But...” Peggy started, looking up at John. “I don’t have to miss you anymore, yeah? We can go back to...two years ago Peggy and John. Friends, Peggy and John.”

“Friends,” John nodded. He opened his mouth to say something else, but something on the other side of the room caught his attention. Peggy looked over to see Alex and Jefferson standing almost nose to nose. She gasped when Alex’s fist connected with Jefferson’s cheek. 

“ _Shit,”_  She swore.

John just stood there frozen, his mouth gaping open. Peggy’s breath hitched when Jefferson brought his fist back and Alex shut his eyes. She rolled her eyes at John and lightly pushed towards Alex. “Go save your boyfriend, Laurens.”

Peggy smiled softly as she finally let the piece of John that was trapped in her heart go. _Friends_. That sounded nice. She liked friends.


	19. Beatin’ Me, Cheatin’ Me, Mistreatin’ Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What? I love your hair.”
> 
> Thomas is in an even worse mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there is spelling mistakes and such, I don’t have time to go over it and I really wanted to update this tonight.

THOMAS

It wasn't that Thomas was a sore loser.

He just preferred to win, and when he didn't he got a tiny bit annoyed. _Okay_ , maybe pretty angry. _Fine_ , furious.

The fact that Hamilton and Laurens had beat him was just the icing on the fucking cake.

If Thomas and James had been against _anybody else_  they would've won. They would've annihilated. But they had to be put against Hamilton. Thomas had watched a debate every day of that week, and they'd all been pretty shit. And then Hamilton had turned up like a fucking bomb. Everything Thomas or Burr had said, Hamilton argued relentlessly against. Every fact James had stated, Laurens had shot down. Thomas had been cocky when they'd walked in, especially when Lauren's mouth had fallen open when he saw Burr on their team. He'd been fairly confident after his first argument, but as soon as Hamilton had stood up and contended, Jefferson's confidence had started to drip away. 

He'd known who Washington was going to say had won before he'd said it. But when he'd heard Hamilton and Laurens' name and his suspicions had confirmed, he'd wanted to throw his laptop extremely hard at Hamilton's stupid, annoying face. And when he'd pushed Thomas' books onto the floor, Thomas had wanted to throw a punch there and then. He'd collected his stuff, and stood up, scowling when he saw Burr watching him with his arms folded. Thomas had raised an eyebrow at James, and they'd both walked over to Burr, annoyance plastered on their faces.

"Are you pissed at _us_?" Thomas had asked, narrowing his eyes.

"No," Burr had said, running a tongue over his teeth. "Of course not. We all put effort into it, and we _all_ lost."

He'd said that he wasn't annoyed, but the way he was saying it made it sound more like an accusation. "That's not what it sounds like," James had remarked, folding his arms. 

Thomas had arched an eyebrow and looked down at Burr, as if he was beneath him. (He was. Beneath him. Literally. By almost three inches.) "I recall you saying that you could win this for us Burr. That you knew where Hamilton's weaknesses lay."

"Mhh? I did? Curious," Burr had said as he'd packed his things up and made to leave. "I'll see you on the internship."

James and Thomas had watched him leave, before they'd turned to face each other. "Jesus fucking Christ," Thomas had said, he'd forgotten about the internship. The internship that Laurens, Angelia Schuyler, and Alexander fucking Hamilton were also on.

That's all he'd thought about for the rest of the day. He'd followed James to the library, frowning when James had protested, and tried to shove him out. "I won't do anything," Thomas had said through the door, trying to shake the handle. James had just thrown him a bored stare and shook his head. “Look Thomas, you’re my best friend but after you lose something, you’re super fucking annoying.”

Thoms had rested his forehead on the glass door and pouted. “Jamesy. I promise I won’t be annoying.” He pressed his hand against the door. “Please let me in. Please Jamesy. I’m begging you.”

James had sighed and opened the door slowly. Thomas had smirked and went to push his way through when James had stepped in front of him, shaking his head. “ _Promise_?” 

Thomas grinned and nodded his head. “Promise.” 

James was the only one who had been working in the library at that time, so Lee wasn’t there to shout at them. Thomas had sat on the big, black wheeled chair and spun around, ignoring James’ exasperated sighs and rolling of his eyes. “I think I might cut my hair,” Thomas had said absently as he stared at his reflection in the computer screen.

“What? I love your hair,” James had furrowed his eyebrows, pushing the chair lightly away, causing Thomas to spin.

Thomas had shrugged and had moved his attention onto the book lying next to him. He picked it up and started flipping through it.

“I have to go put these away,” James had told Thomas, as he piled books into his arms. 

Thomas had looked up and nodded, watching as his friend hauled the books away. He sighed, and went back to flipping through the book, it was something about musicals, he scanned the book as he wallowed in self-pity. 

“What are you reading?” Jefferson had glanced up to see Maria Lewis leaning against the counter, arms folded, with a pretty smile on her face. 

“ _Twilight,”_  Jefferson had said sardonically, eyes narrowed as he put the book down.

Maria hadn’t laughed, and Thomas hadn’t cared, he hadn’t wanted to make her laugh. “I didn't know you worked here,” She’d said, twirling her pretty curls around her pretty, slender finger. 

“I don’t,” Thomas had said, putting his feet up in the counter. 

“I thought your debate was great, today,” She’d smiled, her perfect teeth lining up. Thomas didn’t _hate_ Maria. He felt a bit bad for her, actually. He knew she had a boyfriend, who went to a different college. And it was common knowledge that he didn’t...treat Maria well. So, she slept around with the guys at their college. Thomas had made out with her a couple times, but they hadn’t gotten any further that kissing. Even though she’d kissed pretty much every guy at each party, and she did have a boyfriend, Thomas was pretty sure she was in love with Hamilton. She spent the most of Political Sciences gazing longingly up at him. Thomas wondered if she knew that he was going out with Laurens. He wondered if she even cared. Maria had broken up a few relationships in her time

As Thomas had sat there, and talked to Maria, his eyes had wandered up to her collarbone, her red sweater was too big for her (Thomas couldn’t tell if it was purposeful) and was hanging off of her shoulder. She had a dark bruise on her collarbone and Thomas had also noticed the light fingerprint marks on her wrists. 

She’d noticed Thomas looking and she’d hitched her sweater up, and pulled her sleeves down, hiding the bruises. She hadn’t said anything, just gulped and looked down at Thomas from under her long, dark eyelashes. 

“How are you doing, Maria?” Thomas had asked, his tone softer.

Maria had gulped and nodded. “Fine. Of course.”

“Are you still with James?” Thomas had asked carefully. 

Maria had bit her lip, and put on a smile even faker than usual. “Yes. Our two year anniversary is coming up soon. He’s visiting me in a week.” 

“He’s coming here?” Thomas had asked, slightly surprised.

”Yes,” Maria had said defensively.

”I-” Thomas had started, but Maria interrupted him, and Thomas had noticed her desperately try and collected her composure again.

“Are you going to that party tonight?” She’d asked. 

She hadn’t told him that it was Lafayette’s party. She also hadn’t told him that Hamilton and Laurens were going to be there.

So, when Thomas and James had walked into the party at first, he’d been excited. He’d been excited to get drunk and forget all about stupid Hamilton and the stupid debate. He’d strolled in with James, and they’d grabbed a cup and started talking to everyone at the party. Thomas hadn’t recognised the address as Lafayette’s. He’d never been to Lafayette’s flat before. 

Thomas had been impressed, it was a big house, filled with nice furniture, modern technology and there were plants everywhere.

Thomas had looked around the room, and smiled softly at Maria when he noticed her, nodding his head in acknowledgement. She’d just winked and bit her lip before turning around and disappearing into the sea of people. Thomas had noticed a lot of people in the crowd. He’d seen Hercules and Lafayette dancing on the glass table (he could already see that turning into a disaster) and he noticed Peggy Schuyler leaning against the wall, her long curls tumbling down her back. 

Angelica was known as the good looking sister, (it was a tough competition, all three of them were beautiful) but Thomas didn’t know why Peggy wasn’t. Peggy was incredible, she looked like art, like a sculpture of Aphrodite, with her heart shaped face, dark curls, full lips and small nose. Thomas had never understood why she’d ended up with Laurens. 

He watched Peggy laugh, her hair bounce up and down. She was wearing blue shorts and a bright yellow shirt, and she seemed to be lighting up the room. It was only when Thomas noticed who Peggy was talking to did he scowl. Laurens. 

If Laurens was here then that meant...he turned around to see, yep, Alexander fucking Hamilton. He was sitting on the kitchen counter next to Angelica. They were laughing and it made Thomas’ stomach clench with anger. Hamilton got everything handed to him on a silver fucking platter.

Thomas didn’t know why he decided to call Hamilton out, probably because he was a bit drunk. He was expecting Hamilton to get riled up, but he didn’t not expect him to fucking _punch_ him. That had just set Thomas off. Anger had courses through his veins and he’d wanted to fucking _strangle_ Hamilton. Alexander fucking perfect Hamilton. Washington’s golden student.

Thomas was pretty sure he wasn’t going to actually kill Hamilton, but he had definetly wanted to punch him. Pretty hard. But Laurens had stepped in, his fists clenched and staring up at Thomas, defensiveness and anger painted on his face. 

_“Get the fuck away from my boyfriend.”_

Laurens practically spat it, rage dripping in his words. Thomas might have have laughed if the situation hadn’t been so tense. He’d growled, but he’d been aware of everyone in the room watching them, and he wasn’t really in the mood to fight Laurens. He wouldn’t win against Laurens. Especially if he was angry. Laurens had a six pack, and a hungry recklessness. 

So, Thomas had just stood straight, unclenched his fists and shrugged. “Go fuck yourselves,” He’d said, eyes narrowed. 

Laurens hadn’t said anything, just growled again. Thomas had rolled his eyes. “Might want to put a leash on your _boyfriend,_ ” Thomas had mocked, looking at Hamilton. 

Then it had been Hamilton’s turn to snarl and step towards Thomas, but Laurens had straightened up and his eyes had gone back to sane. He placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder and lightly pushed him back. “He’s not worth it.” 

Thomas hadn’t said anything, just rolled his eyes and left. As he walked down the streets and made his way back to his dorm, which he shared with Alexander fucking Hamilton, himself (although Thomas guessed that Hamilton wouldn’t show up tonight, he barely spent any time in their room anymore) he gritted his teeth. Hamilton was going to get what he deserved, and Thomas was going to be there to see him crash and burn. It would happen eventually, Hamilton was too ambitious, and he would do anything to get ahead in the game. Maybe even hurt those he cared most about. 


	20. Then His Mouth Is On Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Cause you're my boyfriend. S'what we're supposed to do, Hamilton."
> 
> John talks to his sister and almost has a fit.

JOHN

It was only a week into the internship with Adams, and John was ready to kill someone. He didn't really mind who. Jefferson maybe? Perhaps Madison? Maybe he could knock them both out at the same time. Two annoying birds with one heavy law textbook to the head. 

As he gazed absently around the room, his eyes fell on Burr. He was also sitting there silently, watching as Alex argued with Jefferson. Maybe Burr? Or maybe Professor Adams himself. At least then, maybe they could all just go home. Not that anyone else here would want to, John was the only one who didn’t want to be here.

The only people that were getting John through this long, hard internship was Angelica and Alex. They sat together on one side of the long table, and Jefferson and Madison sat across from them, on the other side. Burr sat at one end and Adams sat across from him. Angelica had been pretty pissed off at the male to female ratio at the table.

The first day on the intership, Jefferson had been _incredibly_ aggravated. He’d just stared angrily at John and Alex, until Alex had asked his what the fuck was his problem. Then Alex had teased Jefferson about the debate, and that had made Jefferson even angrier. John didn’t know if they were ever going to finish this case, after everything Alex said, Jefferson would mutter something sarcastic under his breath and every time Jefferson said anything, Alex snorted or rolled his eyes. They were all meant to be on the _same_ team. They just weren’t acting like it. 

It was a pretty hard case they were working on; a financial scam. John didn't know the details because he hadn’t been listening when Adams had told them. He hadn't been listening because he didn't care. He acted interested when Adams asked him a question, but only because he couldn't lose this internship. His dad would kill him. 

He'd only told his dad about the internship because his dad had taken the phone off of Martha when she'd been talking to John. He'd only told his dad because John had known that it would put him in a good mood. And if John's dad was in a good mood then that meant that James, Martha and Mary would be safe. 

He'd just started to tell Martha about Alex when his dad had taken the phone.

"So, how's Jake?" John had asked as he'd sat in his dorm, watching Alex chew his pencil and furrow his eyebrows, thinking furiously. He had been sitting at John's desk, his feet on the bed. (He had his shoes on, even though he knew John hated it. But as much as John hated it, he liked Alex more, so more often than not, he let it slide)

Jake was Martha's boyfriend. John had never liked him, but maybe that was just because John didn't think that anyone would ever be good enough for either of his sisters. Jake was minted, and his family lived two doors away from them. 

He'd gritted his teeth when Martha had sighed a sad, small sigh. "Well, actually. We broke up." John had tried to hide his smile. 

"Oh. That's shit. Why did you break up?" 

Martha had sighed, but that time it was exasperatedly and slightly annoyed. "He cheated on me." John could almost hear the eye-roll in her tone. 

"He fucking _what_? _Again_?" John had stood up off of his bed, glancing at Alex who was still looking down at his notebook. "I'll kill him Marth. Do you want me to kill him? I know he's scared of me, I'll kill him. Do you want me to kill him for you?”

Martha had laughed softly. "Yes John, I do know he's scared of you," (John had given Jake a black eye once. The last time he'd cheated on Martha)

"He's such a scumbag." John had said angrily. Martha hadn't replied. "Martha?" He'd asked, his voice softening. "Are you okay Martha." Still no reply. John had furrowed his eyebrows. " _Marth_?" John had scratched his head, " _Marthamoo_." He could always get her to laugh when he called her that. She did laugh. Even if it was just a small, kind of pathetic laugh. But then she'd started crying. Soft at first, but then all at once, like a dam breaking and all the water bursting forward.

"I _loved_ him, John," She'd whispered through the sobs. John had gulped, and run a hand through his hair.

"I know. But he doesn't _deserve_ you, Martha. That's _twice_ he's done this now." 

"I know," Martha had whispered.

"I love you. You know that right?" John had said.

"Yeah. I love you too. I miss you."

"I know. I miss you too."

"Anyway, enough about me," Martha had tried to lighten her tone, sniffling. "How are you? How's Peggy?"

John had sighed painfully before he'd winced. He hadn't told Martha yet, and Peggy had broken up with him almost three months ago, and he'd been going out with Alex for two months now. "Um," John had tried. "Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that."

"You have?" Martha had asked, her tone curious.

"Yeah. Ummm, Peggy, uh...she broke up with me."

"What? Peggy _broke up with you_?"

"Yep," John had sighed, chewing on his lip. 

"When?"

"A week before Christmas," John had sighed, nervous for how Martha was going to react. 

"A week before Christmas!" Martha had exclaimed, and she didn't sound like she was crying anymore, she sounded like she was grinding her teeth.

"Actually, uh Martha. There's uh...there's something, I mean, _someone_ else. There’s someone else in my life now,” John had glanced over at Alex, wondering if he was hearing this, but Alex had his eyes trained furiously on his books, scratching his jaw, completely unaware of what John was talking about.

"What? John this is...this is so much. Why didn't you tell me. I-"

That's when John had heard his dad in the background. "Who are you talking to, Martha?" He hadn't sounded angry, or drunk, but you never knew with their dad. John heard Martha's breath hitch, but she answered their dad anyway, and she sounded far away. "Just John."

"John?" 

"Yes. My brother. Your son."

”I know who John is, Martha.” John doubted that, sometimes he didn’t think his dad _did_ remember that he was his son. His actual son.

Then there had been some fumbling around and John had grunted when he had heard his dad on the other line. "John?"

John had gulped and shut his eyes, leaning against the wall. "Yeah. It's me. Hi dad."

"How are you doing?"

"Fine," John had arched an eyebrow. His dad didn't normally ask him how he was. He could rely on Martha to check up on him, ask if he's eating and sleeping and such. 

"I meant about _school_ , John. How is your schoolwork? Are you getting anywhere?" John had pinched the bridge of his nose and pushed his tongue into his cheek. Of course. His dad just wanted to know if his investment was holding up. His dad was paying a lot of money for John to become a lawyer.

"Yeah. I actually got on an internship."

"Fine," His dad had remarked, and John had bit his lip so hard he felt the metallic tang of blood on his lips. "Don't disappoint me, John."

John hadn’t said anything else, just hung up and sat back on his bed, back against the wall, next to Alex, pushing his feet off. Alex had looked up, blinking and startled. He’d arched an eyebrow at John. "Who were you on the phone to?" 

"Martha," John had leaned his head back against the wall. "Then my dad." 

"Your dad," Alex had said, pulling the chair closer to the bed. 

"My dad," John had sighed, letting his head tip towards Alex.

"What did you talk to Martha about?" Alex had asked inconspicuously. 

"I wanted to tell her!" John had tried, pouting at Alex. "I tried. But then my dad took the phone, so I hung up." 

Alex had nodded and sat up off of the chair, and transferred himself to John's bed, legs in a basket, facing John. "We have to leave for the internship soon." John had groaned and leaned forward, brushing his lips against Alex's.

" _What are you doing_?" Alex had asked as he’d pulled back, and arched his eyebrow at him suspiciously. 

"Trying to kiss you," John had smirked, and crawled forward towards Alex, chin jutted out. But Alex had just narrowed his eyes and put his hand out, blocking John's access to his face. 

"Yes, _obviously_ Laurens. But why?"

"Cause you're my _boyfriend_. S'what we're supposed to do, Hamilton," John had smiled, his words slurring. That had got Alex. He'd smiled and slowly lowered his hand, snorting when John had tackled him. 

John wished that's where he was right now. In his room, kissing Alex. Not in this boring room, watching Alex fight Jefferson and Madison as he, Angelica and Burr sat in silence, watching them. 

That’s what got John through that day of the internship, staring longingly at Alex as he passionately argued. His boyfriend. 

John, at first, thought that calling Alex that would’ve felt weird, or would’ve taken a while to get used to, but it had felt instantly natural. Felt right.

John watched as Angelica rolled her eyes at Jefferson and stood up, planting her hands on the table. Adams had left them alone today, told them to search for more evidence, scour through every date and receipt that they had. They hadn’t gotten any work done, at all. They’d just spend the day arguing. Well, John hadn’t. He’d actually managed to get some work down. Even if it had just been copying some dates down.

It seemed like Angelica was tired of it. “Shut up!” She scowled at Jefferson then narrowed her eyes at Alex. “Can we please get to work. It’s bad enough that I’m stuck working with you,” She gestured with her hand to everyone sitting around her. “The only other sane person here is John.” 

John smirked, folded his arms and leaned back into the chair. He shrugged when Alex snorted at him. “Laurens!” Jefferson barked, shocked. “ _Laurens_? He doesn’t even want to be here! He just sits there.”

”That’s not true,” Alex said, furrowing his eyebrows as he defended John.

”You’re just saying that cause he’s your boyfriend.”

”No. I’m saying because he’s helping. He’s the only one who’s done any work today.”

John sighed, he couldn’t be bothered arguing, so he just kept his mouth shut and watched as Jefferson and Alex started arguing (again), throwing insults and taunts back and forward, like a tennis ball. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Angelica growled as she slammed down a heavy book onto the table. Jefferson and Alex abruptly shut their mouths and looked to Angelica. 

“Highlight,” She said to them, throwing highlighters at both of them. Alex caught his, and sat back down, rolling his eyes when John snorted at him. Jefferson didn’t even try and catch the pen, he just let it skid off the table before he sat down and pulled a book over to him. 

Angelica made them work in silence, throwing a pen at any of their head if they even so _opened_ their mouths. So, John setteled with sitting next to Alex, and watching him furiously scribble and highlight on the paper. His _boyfriend_. 

When the clock on the wall sounded six at night, John stood up quickly, slamming the book shut and started tugging on Alex’s sleeve. “Let’s go,” He said. He knew he had to try and get Alex to leave now, or else they end up still working here till midnight. 

“Two minutes,” Alex said, not looking up. John groaned slightly as he watched Jefferson and Madison leave. Now, he and Alex were the only people in the room.

”Nope. Your time is up Mr Hamilton,” John said, still tugging on Alex’s sweater. 

Alex sighed but shut the book and packed up, smiling. “Fine. Mr Laurens.” 

When they got outside, John slipped his hand in his pocket, and when he didn’t feel his key he groaned. “Shit.” 

“What?” Alex asked, squeezing John’s hand. 

“I’ve left my key in the dorm. We’re locked out.” 

Alex paused, and stuck his tongue into his cheek before he smiled. “We can just go to mine,” He shrugged. “I heard Jefferson ask Madison if he could stay over at his flat tonight, so he won’t show up.”

John gulped, and all the breath left him at once, but he still nodded, even managing to smile lightly as Alex tugged him down the street. They were going to Alex’s room. John had never been in Alex’s room before. 

Alex's room.

Where Alex got changed. 

Where Alex wrote his essays.

Where Alex slept (although John was pretty sure that Alex didn’t sleep)

Where Alex showered. 

 _Jesus fucking Christ._ How was he going to survive the night?


	21. Stay? Hey... Hey...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You better. I'm a god damn miracle."
> 
> John and Alex are the cutest, most supportive and affectionate boyfriends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready for some precious and wholesome lams y'all

JOHN

John didn't think he was breathing.

All the moisture from his mouth had disappeared.

His throat was tight.

His jaw was clenched.

And he couldn't stop looking at Alex.

His heart was echoing in his whole body, making his hands slightly shake, because they were going to Alex's room, and _fucking hell_. Alexander fucking Hamilton. The room where Alex's bed is. Where Alex's undresses. Where Alex showers. Jesus fucking Christ, where he _showers_.

"Wanna see my bedroom, Turtle?" Alex smirked, and John was pretty sure he paled. He couldn't talk (it seemed that Alex inviting him to his room made John suddenly incompetent) so he just nodded, letting Alex tug him by the hand up the stairs. 

John didn't know what he was expecting. He guessed he was predicting a normal, kind of shitty, college dorm. Maybe not as shitty as John's, and definitely not as opulent as Laf's. John was expecting a room like Herc's. White walls, maybe a couple of posters stuck up with falling blu-tack. Laundry scattered on the floor and maybe some books around. John was not expecting...what he saw.

" _Voilà_!" Alex said proudly as he pulled open his door. 

Alex snorted as he walked in.

One side of the room was an average, cliché dorm room; a couple of cans of coke littered about, textbooks lined neatly on the shelf, a shut laptop on a desk that was covered in stationary (pretty expensive looking stationary by the looks of it, _trust Jefferson_ ), and a bed, craply made, with phone chargers strewn on it.

The other side of the room was...well, the only way John could describe it as was...organised chaos. There were piles of books pretty much everywhere, but John noticed that they were still organised by subject, and then by Alex's favourite author.

There weren't any posters on Alex's wall, but the side of Alex's closet was covered in photos. Photos of all of them. There was one of Alex and Hercules studying. One of all four of them together, at Laf's, Alex was practically sitting in John's lap, and Herc and Laf were lying on the floor, Laf's arm on Herc's face. There was a photo of Angelica, Eliza and Alex all of them laughing hysterically with Eliza's thumb over the lens. There was a photo of just John; Alex had taken it when they'd been in their secret garden. John had shaken his head and covered his face with his hands, but Alex had taken his picture anyway. John could still hear Alex's laugh in his head.

It wasn't just photos, there were also a few of John's drawings stuck on the closet. John had wanted to throw them out, but Alex had adamantly refused and taken them. John hadn't seen them since. So this is where they'd turned up. 

John tore his gaze away from the side of the closet and continued looking around. Alex's bed was made, but one of his pillows was in the middle of the ground. John sighed when he saw the side door leading to Alex and Jefferson's _bathroom_. Yeah that's right, the lucky twats got a _fucking en-suite_.

John lightly pushed the door open and was met with a fairly neat bathroom. John guessed that Jefferson wouldn't let Alex leave it in a mess.

"I can't believe you've never been in my room before," Alex said as he shut the door behind them. John tried to talk, but his mouth just ended up hanging uselessly open, he decided he looked like an idiot, so he quickly shut it, and went with just a nod. His breath hitched when Alex brushed past him, their arms brushing. 

"You were being pretty quiet today, Laurens," Alex said as he stood close to John. John bit his lip and looked down at Alex. (He was always looking down at Alex,; John was 6'2" and Alex was 5'12". It really pissed Alex off)

John swallowed, and tried to think of something to say. "I was?" He didn't sound like himself and he took a nervous step back as Alex took a cocky step forward, his back hitting the wall.

"Yeah. Barely a word,” Alex smirked, arching his eyebrows, as he placed his hand on the wall, blocking John in. 

John had no fucking clue what he was meant to do. What was the etiquette for being in your boyfriend's bedroom for the first time? John was _so fucked_.

"You were doing enough talking for the both of us, Alexander," John shrugged, trying desperately to keep his voice from breaking. 

Alex just smirked, and nodded, like he knew he was incredible and he didn't have to hide it. "I really, really, _really_ like you, John," Alex said, smiling softly.

" _Three_ reallys? Now we're getting somewhere, Hamilton," John whispered, quoting Alex. His boyfriend remembered and laughed through his nose, as he wrapped his arms around John's neck.

"I really, really, really like you," Alex kept talking, tracing the back of John's neck with his fingers. "I like you with me." _God. God. Jesus fucking Christ._ John could hear his heart thudding against his chest, like a fucking alarm, as if he was trying to announce to Alex how simultaneously incredible and nervous he felt. "I like you here. With me." 

On the inside, John was freaking the fuck out, but on the outside, he was smiling down at Alex as he held him, his arms around his waist. "In your _bedroom_? Your _messy_ _bedroom_?" John asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Yes," Alex nodded furiously, pushing his chin out. "I like you in my bedroom. I really, really, really, really, really fucking like you in my _organised_ bedroom."

" _Five_ reallys, Alexander?" John said, practically whispering. Alex's eyes sparkled back up at him. "Three to five reallys? That's quite a big leap. Are you going to propose next?" Alex snorted and rolled his eyes, dropping his hands from John's neck and pushing him down onto the bed. It only worked because John wasn't expecting it. John laughed softly and sat on the bed, legs in a basket and back against the wall. Alex sat down, facing him, and gazed down at John with his wondrous, big, brown eyes. 

" _John Laurens is in my room_."

"I'm in _Alexander Hamilton's_ room," John smiled softly before he cocked his head at Alex, and looked past him, gesturing to Jeffersons' bed. "Well, Alexander Hamilton and _Thomas Jefferson's_ room."

"Thomas Jefferson isn't here," Alex groaned and gritted his teeth.

"Thomas Jefferson _isn't_ here," John nodded, leaning closer to Alex. Alex took John's hands in his own and it made John's heart beat a hundred times faster. Everywhere that Alex touched lit John on fire.

"John Laurens is on my bed," Alex smirked. John nodded, _he was on his bed_. And his bed was soft, and smelled like coffee and mint, it smelled like Alex. Alex who sleeps in this bed. God, _he fucking sleeps in this bed_.

"I'm on Alexander Hamilton's bed," John smiled at Alex and gulped, he was pretty sure he was going to die if he didn't start breathing again. He was pretty sure he was definitely close to spontaneous combustion. John's breath hitched when the clock on Alex's bedside table ticked eight.

"I should probably go," John whispered. _He really didn't want to go._ "I haven't written that essay yet." _He probably should write it, but he really didn't want to. He really didn't want to go._ "Alex..." John breathed, but Alex was just looking up at John. His eyes had that hunger in them that normally only took over when Alex was arguing with Jefferson or Madison. 

John gulped as Alex lightly shook his head at him. "Or..."

" _Or_?" John asked, eyebrows raised. He could feel Alex's hands twitch slightly under his own.

"Or you could _stay_."

"Or I could stay," John nodded, smiling as Alex grinned brightly, and leaned into John, their lips crashing.

 

The clock struck nine, but Alex didn't stop, and John didn't want him to. Alex had taken John's face in his hands and he was kissing him furiously. He hadn't stopped kissing him. His mouth hadn't stopped kissing him everywhere; up and down his neck, along his jaw, on his chin, on his lips.

John shuddered under his touch, Alex was good at this, the way he kissed him was making John forget his own fucking name. John's hands were around Alex's small waist, and he kept pulling him closer, because he needed Alex close to him. Needed his warmth. Alex pulled away from John's lips, and started kissing the five moles that trailed from John's jaw to his neck, one by one. Alex was always talking about those five moles moles. They're like a constellation, he always said. But normally Alex just traced them with his fingers, he'd never kissed them before. 

"Like a constellation," He muttered, leaning his head into John's neck as his fingers made his way under John's t-shirt, tracing his muscles. "You're so amazing, John Laurens." John pressed his forehead against Alex's and kissed the side of his mouth.

"You're art, Alexander Hamilton," John whispered as Alex's fingers paused, lingering on Alex's stomach. Alex made a noise, it sounded like a mix of a snort and a sigh, before he pulled John into a deep kiss, his hands running through John's hair. John's fingers brushed against Alex's thigh, and Alex shuddered into the kiss, before pulling away.

He was panting, his chest falling and rising heavily. His hair was a mess and his lips are slightly swollen. It made John want him even more. Alex laughed softly, his head falling on John's shoulder as he wrapped his arms around John, hugging him tight.

"John Laurens,” He muttered into John's neck, still panting.

"Alexander Hamilton," John said, his voice was raspy, pulling Alex into his lap. They stayed like that for a few seconds, both of them panting as they held onto each other tightly.

"John?" Alex asked, his breath warm against John's neck.

"Mhhh?" John said, running his hands down Alex's back.

"Have you ever done it before?"

John knew what he was asking. "Yes," He said, before he shook his head and said, "No."

Alex pulled away from John, and met his eyes. "Yes _or_ no?" He asked as he furrowed his eyebrows, his arms still around John.

"I mean, yeah, I have. But not...not like this," John said, watching as Alex bit his lip.

"Not with a boy," Alex muttered, looking away, his eyes falling down, as if he was ashamed.

"Not when I loved the person," John said, bringing up Alex's chin with his hand. Their eyes met, green furiously clashing against brown.

"What?" Alex said, his mouth in a bright smile, even though confusion painted his face.

"I said, _'Not when I loved the person,_ " John repeated, throwing Alex a side smirk. Alex looked up at him, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly parted.

"You-"

"Shu'p," John smirked, as he rolled his eyes and pulled Alex into a kiss. That one more gentle compared to the others, the others had been passionate and hungry, but that one...that one had been so soft and longing.

John groaned slightly when Alex pulled away, and opened his eyes to see Alex staring up at him. "I love you," John said again, purely because it felt really good to say it, especially now, especially when he was saying it to the person he really did _love_. He was expecting Alex to say it back, he was not expecting what he actually said.

"I know," Alex said, oh so quietly. "I think I spent a while being scared of that." He looked up with a hint of a smile. "I don't have a lot of experience with love. I don't want to mess it up. You're... _experienced_ , you had Peggy."

"I didn't _love_ her though, Alex," John said, his brows furrowing.

"You still _had_ her. I'm not... _good_ at love. Not like you."

John bit his lip. "I didn't realise it was a skill that had to be learned," John said softly as his hands fell from Alex’s shoulders to his side. 

" _See_ , you're good at it," Alex said as he reached out, intertwining their fingers. "But I'd...I want to get better at it. With you."

"What stopped you? What stopped you from being scared?" John asked, running a hand through his hair.

"Nothing," Alex admitted, running his tongue over his teeth. "Fuck, I'm _terrified_. But you'll be doing it alongside me, so how bad can it be?" Alex said, softly.

"For someone who's bad at love, Hamilton. That was pretty perfect,' John said, leaning into Alex as he wrapped his arms around his neck.

"Maybe you're rubbing off on me," Alex smirked, brushing a strand of John's curls out of his face. "I love you too," Alex said softly, running his knuckles down the side of John's face, when he got to his chin, he cuped his face in his hand.

"I know," John said, oh so quietly.

 

John spent the night in Alex's bed. Nothing happened. Well, nothing more than kissing and whispering. But just lying down next to Alex, his warmth radiating off of him, stopped John from sleeping. Alex managed to sleep (probably because he hadn't slept in like sixty hours), and he fell asleep holding John's hand, his fingers curled around John's.

John squinted as he looked at the window. It was morning now, and they hadn't shut the blinds last night, so the bright light was shining in John's eyes. The almost white light was shinning down on Alex, making it seem like he was glowing, like an angel. Alex practically was an angel. He was perfect. John was on his side and he smiled softly as he watched Alex. Their legs were tangled up, and Alex's arm was lying over John's waist. Somehow (John couldn't remember), John's t-shirt had disappeared, as had Alex's.

John's eyes wandered down to Alex's bare chest. Alex wasn't ripped, but you could see the muscles in his stomach. John was pretty sure it was because Alex rarely ate ('I'll eat when I've finished this paragraph', was Alex's go to excuse). Alex had moles and freckles on his chest, (whereas John had them _everywhere_ ) and they made him look poxed when he hadn't eaten anything for a while. John's breath hitched when his eyes wandered down to the light pink scar in the middle of Alex's stomach. Alex had told him where he'd gotten it last night.

"What's that?" John had asked, tracing his fingers lightly down the scar.

"A scar," Alex had muttered, running his hands on John's shoulders. John had rolled his eyes and lightly flicked Alex. "Oww." Alex had whispered, throwing John a side smirk. 

" _How_ did you get it?" John had asked, drumming his fingers on Alex's stomach. 

"A fight...at one of the...care homes. I was sixteen."

"You were in a _fight_?" John had asked in disbelief. 

"I can fight," Alex had muttered, wrapping his arms around John, his hands lying on the back of his neck.

"What did they say to you?" John had asked. “To make you do it?”

"He said...uh...said that...said that maybe my mum had deserved to die, because...cause she was such a whore."

John had growled, and said, "I'll kill him."

Alex had laughed softly, and tucked one of John's curls behind his freckled ears. "Nice thought Laurens, but I'm pretty sure he's in jail now."

John had grunted and had held the side of Alex's face in his hand. "Your mum would be proud of you," He’d said softly, smiling down at Alex.

Alex had nodded, and leaned into John's hand, before placing his own hand on top of his. "She would've liked you, John." 

John had gently smiled. "I would've loved to meet her."

Alex had bit his lip, before the tips of his mouth had curved up. "I would've loved to meet your mum too."

"She would've loved you," John had said as Alex had ran a hand down his chest. 

"Your turn," Alex'd said, his light touch sending electricity through John's body

John had furrowed his eyebrows. "My turn for what?"

Alex had looked up, but kept his hand on John's bare chest. "How did you get your battle wounds?"

John had swallowed, not wanting to talk about his past, when he was that happy. If he'd brought up his dad, it would've been like getting the world's best ice cream, then dropping it on the dirty and shitty ground. But he hadn't wanted to lie to Alex, and it wasn't like Alex to let a question slide, he was fucking relentless.

"My uh...my dad."

"Your _dad_?"

John hadn't ever told Alex about his fights with his dad, or at least, he hadn't brought up the _extremes_ of their fights. "Yeah."

" _All of them_?" Alex had asked, snatching his hand back from John's chest, as he'd looked down at all of him. John did have quite a lot of scars and bruises. Not really on his face, most were on his stomach, and he’d just got used to them over time.

"Most of them." 

"Shit," Alex had said softly, his hand wavering close to John. " _Shit_ , Laurens. Why didn't you tell me?" 

John had shaken his head and shrugged, letting Alex take his hand into his own. "Cause it doesn't matter."

"Yeah, it does," Alex had whispered, the only thing lighting his face had been the orange street light form outside Alex's open window. 

"No. It doesn't. Because if I let myself think about him when I'm here, he wins. This is my place. Here, in New York, my dad doesn't exist, he cannot get to me here. He doesn't own me. He can't touch me while I'm here. If I let myself feel sorry for myself, if I cry and lick my wounds, then _he wins_. And I am not going to let him do that to me. I won't let him have that power over me."

"Fuck him," Alex had whispered, pulling John against him. John’s eyes had started to water, and his throat had clenched. He’d shaken when Alex had pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms around him, running his hands through John’s curls. John had sighed and leaned into Alex.

"Fuck him."

 

John looked down at Alex, he was still asleep, clutching John's hand, and the light was casting shadows on his face. Alex was breathing softly and his face kept twitching. 

"I said I loved you, but I didn't say that you could watch me sleep like a stalker, Laurens," Alex murmured opening one eye at a time as he smirked up at John. 

"Shut up," John laughed, hitting Alex in the face with a pillow. "Sometimes I hate you,” He smirked as Alex pushed himself up onto his elbows.

He shook his head and his hair fell onto his face. "No you don't, Turtle. You really, really, really, really, really like me. And you love me."

"I really like you," John sighed, kissing Alex quickly on the lips, "And I love you."

"You better. I'm a god damn miracle," Alex laughed, before pulling John into a deep kiss.


	22. I Think Your Pants Look Hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m chipped and I’m shattered and I’m broken.”
> 
> Alex helps John.

ALEX

Alex was standing at the top of the landing, leaning over the railings, watching John carry boxes up five flights of stairs. "You," John said, from the landing below Alex, "Could help me, you know?" Alex just shrugged and pulled the lid of his coffee cup off, blowing on the scalding drink. 

"I could," Alex purred, staring unashamedly as John struggled to walk up the last flight of stairs, panting. "but that wouldn't give me nearly so pretty of a view, Mr Laurens." 

Alex laughed when John muttered, fuck you. "Just give me a time and place, Turtle, and that can be happily arranged,” Alex smirked, watching as John reached the landing, his strong arms straining under the six boxes he was carrying.

John just snorted and kissed the top of Alex's head. "Buy me drink first, Alexander," He muttered as he walked past Alex and pushed Laf's door open with his foot. 

Alex smiled like an idiot before he tried to subdue his grin, and rolling his eyes, walked into Laf's, sipping his hot coffee as he shut the door behind them. Every time he walked into Laf's kitchen, Alex had to take a double-take. He always forgot how cool Laf's place was. Well, Laf and now John's place. Wooden counters and modern technology made up the kitchen, and one whole wall was made of giant, glass windows. Cacti littered the counters, but half of them were dying. Alex didn't know why Laf kept buying houseplants, they just kept dying, he always forgot to water them. Alex looked out of the giant windows now, looking down at the city below.

“Is that all you have?" Alex asked, cocking his head at the boxes John had carried up.

“Yeah, not all of us have a whole library in our dorms," John remarked, lowering the boxes onto the kitchen counter.

Alex rolled his eyes as he made his way over to John, and sat down on the stool next to him, watching as John pulled a mug out of the top box. "But this is practically nothing," Alex said. 

"I left most of my stuff at South Carolina," John said as he opened up the second box and started rummaging through it. "I was in a bit of a rush to leave." Alex just nodded, not wanting to push John. 

"I can't believe you're moving in with Laf," Alex said as he rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands, God, he really needed to sleep. Ever since John had spent that first night at Alex's room, two weeks ago, he hadn't really been able to sleep in his bed. His sheets still smelled liked John, like cedar and citrus. He could still practically feel John's head on his pillows. Fuck, he was so in love.

"I know," John remarked, sounding shocked himself. "I mean, Laf's been trying to get me to move in for two years, but I was adamant."

Alex put his cup down on the counter and leaned his chin on his hands as he looked up at John. It was April now, and the bright evening light that was shining in from the massive glass windows was causing John's tawny skin to appear as if it was glowing. It made his freckles even more prominent. Alex loved John's freckles. They were like hundreds of tiny constellations all over his body.

"What changed?" Alex said, without thinking. He had the vague idea of what had changed. He knew it was something to do with John's dad and as soon as Alex remembered he regretted asking. 

"My dad," John said before Alex could say anything.

"Shit, John I-" Alex tried, but John just lightly shook his head and shrugged, sitting down next to Alex. 

"No. It's fine. I can talk about it," Alex nodded, and looked down, John's hands were clasped and slightly shaking. Alex smiled softly and took John's hands into his own. He didn't say anything, just waited for John to talk on his own time. 

"I never wanted to move in with Laf, because I didn't have the money to pay for the rent. I mean, I did. Did have the money, I could've just used the money in my account. But I just couldn't. It was my dad's money, and I couldn't let him have that leverage over me. But then, we had that fight and..."

Alex knew about the fight. He'd been with John when his dad had called. They'd been on Alex's bed; Alex sitting up and typing while John had been lying down, his head lying on Alex's lap. Alex had paused typing and looked down at John, to be met with John's bright smile. "What are you doing, Laurens?" Alex had asked, the tip of his mouth curving into a smile.

"Looking at you," John had said, raising his eyebrows as he reached his hand up, touching the part into between Alex's eyebrows. "You need to stop crinkling your nose."

"It's what I do when I think," Alex had smiled, John's fingers still grazing his face, making their way down his nose. 

"It's gonna give you wrinkles," John had laughed as Alex had rolled his eyes, and flicked John on the head.

"You're so annoying Laurens."

"Yeah but you really like me and you love me."

Alex had pushed his tongue into his cheek and agreed, "I really like you and I love you." John had brought his head up to Alex's and it had caused Alex's heart to start pounding a million times faster. John Laurens rendered him useless. Literally. Most of the times that John said something remotely cute to Alex, (which was most of the time as John Laurens was just a cute person in general) it made him freeze up. Most of the time Alex just stopped talking and let John kiss him. He was pretty sure that John knew that this worked, and used it to his advantage. Take last week for example, Alex had been complaining about Jefferson, and John had been trying (and failing) to get Alex to stop, so he’d just kissed him. Which had worked. As soon as John's lips met Alex's, his brain froze over.

Alex had shut his eyes and leaned in, when John's phone had started ringing. Alex had quietly sighed and let his head fall against the wall, watching as John pushed himself up and grabbed his phone. "Shit," He'd muttered before gulping and picking up the phone. His head had fallen back onto Alex's lap, but that time his eyes had been shut and he had been pinching his nose. Alex had watched John, worry on his face, as he’d talked to his dad. John had said very little on the phone, and when he had talked, his voice had been dripping in annoyance.

"Yes. 

It's fine.

Yes. 

No.

Okay.

No."

There had been a long pause, and John's face had turned red, before he'd sat up off of Alex and stood up, facing away from Alex. 

"You know I don't," John had said, quietly. Alex had held his breath, noticing that John's empty hand clenched into a fist. "Well, I'm doing it anyway, _aren't I_?"

Alex was pretty sure that the fight had been about the internship. He could tell John hated it, even if he was good at it. Every time they walked into that room, John's face fell and his smile turned into a frown. He didn't talk, just sat there in silence, writing and typing. He didn't look up, just kept his eyes on his work as he tapped his fingers on the table. Even Jefferson had cornered Alex one night and asked him if John was okay. Yes, he had asked in a condescending tone and he hadn't necessarily called John by his actual name, but it was the thought that counted. 

"It doesn't matter _what I want_!" John had said through gritted teeth, his head falling against the wall.

"I won't.

I know.

No.

That's not fair! You can't say that.

She wouldn't have cared.

No. She wouldn't have,” John had spat, turning around, although not looking at Alex, and slumping against the wall, sitting on the floor. 

"She wouldn't have cared. She wouldn't have cared. She wanted me to do whatever I wanted. Fuck you."

Then John had hung up, and let his head fall into his hands. His breath had been ragged and his shoulders had been hunched. Alex had stepped off of the bed, and made his way over to John. He'd bend down, so he was eye-level with his boyfriend. " _John_?" He'd asked tentatively. John hadn't answered, but Alex had tilted his head up by his chin. John's eyes had been watering and his cheeks had been stained with salty tears. "John," Alex’d said, sitting down next to him, before he'd pulled John into him. He'd wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him into his chest as they'd leaned against the wall, huddled together. John had slightly resisted at first, but then he'd given up and leaned into Alex, silently sobbing. 

"I love you," Alex had whispered into John's head, running his fingers through John’s curls as he'd wrapped his arms around him tighter. "I really love you. So does Martha. And Laf and Herc. And Angelica, Eliza and Peggy. I love you, John," He'd repeated, desperately trying to get John to believe him, but John hadn't said anything. He'd just clung to Alex and nodded into his chest, tears silently sliding down his face.

 

Alex looked up at John now. John sighed slightly, shook his head lightly and continued talking. "We had the fight and then I just decided, _fuck it_. I mean, he's a prick anyway. Might aswell spend his money. And George's been really annoying lately. I think he's scared of losing his accent, so he's emphasising every word he says."

Alex laughed softly, squeezing John's cold hands. John's hand were always cold. Practically freezing. At first, Alex had thought that he had been sick, but then he realised that John's hands were always cold. So, he tried to warm them up when he could. That's what he did now, he pulled his stool closer to John and rubbed John’s hands in his. "Your hands are cold," He said quietly, almost whispering.

"My hands are always cold," John breathed, squeezing Alex's hand back. "You know why else I moved?"

"Why?" Alex asked, brow arched. John smirked and leaned his forehead against Alex's.

"Because now I have my own room, Hamilton. With a _double_ bed. No more fear of roommates walking in." 

Alex's breath hitched and his nostrils flared as he looked into John's eyes. His normally bright green eyes were now cunning and coquettish. "You still have a roommate, Laurens. _Lafayette_. Remember?" Alex said, desperately trying to calm his breathing.

John ran his tongue over his teeth as he stared hungrily at Alex. "We both know where Laf's gonna spend tonight, Alexander."

Alex gulped, he did know. Laf and Herc had gone out tonight, and when they both went out together, they didn't get home till four in the morning. He just didn't want to admit it. "We do?" He said, his voice wavering.

"We both know Lafayette isn't coming home tonight."

Alex ran his tongue over his teeth, and all he could do was nod. Swallowing when John smirked, he was obviously pleased with himself, before he grabbed Alex by the hand and tugged him to his room, slamming the door behind them as he practically pounced on Alex.

 

Alex woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of mumbling. He yawned sleepily and stretched his arms up, before pushing himself up against John's headboard. He looked down at his boyfriend. John's face was etched into a cast of pain. He was clinging onto the duvet, his fists clenched, as he growled in his sleep.

Alex swallowed, unsure of what to do. This had happened before, but it normally always passed and John had always slowly fallen back into a state of soft sleep. But this time that didn't seem to be happening. John whispered in his sleep, "It's fine. It's _fine_ Martha. I didn't fucking do it, you jerk." 

John always said the same thing in his sleep. " _Stop it. Leave me alone. I didn't do it. I didn't do it! It's fine. It's fine Martha. I didn't fucking do it, you jerk. Fuck. You._ " Alex had heard it so many times, he knew when John would say each word, and how long the pauses in-between his words were. It was so precise and realistic that Alex was starting to wonder if it was a nightmare, or if John was just reliving a past experience in his dreams.

But this time, John didn't stop after fuck you, he kept talking. "She would be ashamed. She would be ashamed of you. She would be so disappointed in you," He said through gritted teeth as he started shaking his head. Alex paled when John started thrashing and barked out a shout that made Alex’s heart clench, before he sat up straight, his eyes wide open.

He was panting deeply, and his breath was ragged. He breathed in before he whimpered, a sad and scared animal noise, running a tired hand through his hair. He looked at Alex, his eyes wide and scared, he looked like a scared puppy, and it made Alex’s heart shatter even more. Alex searched for John's hand under the covers and when he found it, it was sweaty and clammy, a stark contrast from the normal freezing, but he clasped it anyway, intertwining their fingers. He didn’t say anything, just watched his boyfriend breath in deeply and exhale before he swallowed, and looked down at their joined hands.

”Sorry,” John said softly, “For waking you up.”

”You didn’t. I was already awake,” Alex lied, throwing John a smile. John pursed his lips and shook his head, as if he knew he was lying (he probably did, he was so fucking smart)

“What happened?” Alex asked tentatively, squeezing John’s hand. 

John looked up and shrugged, still breathing deeply, running a hand through his unruly curls. “I’m okay now. I’m fine. Honest.” Now John was lying. 

Alex bit his lip and smiled softly before he ran his other hand up John’s arm, resting it on his bicep. “That’s not what I asked, John,” He said quietly, brushing a stray curl out of John’s pained face.

John shut his eyes and leaned his head back against the headboard, shutting his eyes, still holding Alex’s hand. “I sometimes get this nightmare,” John shuddered and quickly opened his eyes, as if he had started reliving it. “ _Sometimes_.”

“What’s it about?” Alex asked tentatively, hoping that John would tell him. Maybe if John told him, he could help. John chewed on his bottom lip before he gulped, “The first time my dad hit me.”

Alex didn’t say anything, just stayed quiet, not wanting to push John to far. Because he was scared that if he pushed John, he might disappear. “I’m so fucked, Alex,” John muttured, looking down at Alex, his green eyes sad and tired.

“No, you’re not,” Alex said, furrowing his eyebrow as he shook his head. 

“I’m chipped and I’m shattered and I’m broken.”

Alex had looked John dead in the eye before he’d shaken his head again. “Broken isn’t the same thing as unfixable.”

“What if it is?” John muttured, his head hanging.

“It’s not.” John glanced at Alex and he looked so sad, it made Alex’s heart break. “John,” Alex said softly, gripping onto his hand. But John just shook his head violently and pulled Alex into a hug, holding him tight.

“I really like you and I love you,” John said fiercely, his voice breaking. Alex smiled into the hug and nodded, relieved that John seemed fine. 

“I really like you and I love you.”

JOHN

John liked living with Laf a lot. It had been a month since he'd moved in, and it had been the best month of John's life. Alex stayed over most nights, and John had forgotten how much he'd missed sharing a bed with someone. To feel someone’s warmth next to him, to hold someone as they drifted asleep. 

That’s how he woke up, with Alex’s arms tightly around him and his head nuzzled in John’s neck. John yawned and peeled Alex’s arms off of him, before he stood up. He stretched before he left the room, leaving his boyfriend asleep in John’s room. Whenever John woke up before Alex (which wasn’t often), he tried to not wake him up. Alex never really slept, and when he did, he was a light sleeper. He needed more sleep. 

As John padded into the kitchen, he was hit with serious déjà vu from five months ago, although this time he didn’t have a black eye or bruises on his ribs, and he hadn’t just punched Lee in the face. Instead of accidentally falling asleep next to Alex, his friend, in Laf’s guest bedroom, this time he’d fallen asleep with Alex, his boyfriend, in his bedroom. He yawned and smiled when he saw Laf making them breakfast. The smell made his stomach groan. The sound must have been louder that John had thought, because Laf turned around, and smirked. “It’ll be ready in two minutes, _mon ami_.”

John thanked him as he pushed himself onto the kitchen island, his legs dangling off of the counter. “Do you not own any shirts, Laurens?” Laf asked, eyebrow raised as he pushed open one of the windows. Their air conditioning was broken, and because it was nearly summer and the heat was gradually getting more and more hotter, John and Laf were currently living with all of the windows in their flat open all of them time.

There was a groan from the sofa behind John and he laughed when he saw Herc push himself up. “Morning Mulligan.”

“Fuck off,” Herc said, his voice raspy and hoarse, throwing a pillow at John, who caught it. “Why are you both speaking so loud?”

“Aren’t you chirpy this morning,” John smirked, laughing as Herc groaned and threw the blanket off of himself and stood up, staring daggers at John as he rubbed his head. 

“Why is it so fucking warm?” He asked, looking around as he pulled one of Laf’s t-shirt on.

“Air conditioning’s broke,” John told him as Laf slid him a plate, laden with eggs, bacon and toast. John heard Herc sigh behind him as he tore into his food. “That’s my t-shirt Herc,” Laf said, eyebrow raised. Herc just shrugged before he played with the fabric, yawning sleepily. 

“Nice pants,” John remarked, looking at Herc’s stained and dirty jeans. Herc just lightly slapped John on the back in response.

“I could fix the air conditioning,” Herc said, sitting down at the breakfast bar as Laf handed him a plate with even more food on it that John’s. John didn’t know anyone who ate more than Herc, the man was a tank. 

“I’m calling a professional,” Laf said, shaking his head at Herc.

“I am a professional,” Herc protested, furrowing his eyebrows, as he stabbed his bacon with his knife. 

Laf snorted as he leaned against the fridge and ate his own breakfast. “A professional professional.”

John laughed and Hercules shook his head, groaning slightly. “Do you have any advil?” He asked Laf, his eyes pleading. 

“How hungover are you?” John asked, smirking as Herc narrowed his eyes at him.

“The floor is spinning and I think I’m going to throw up over your stupid furry carpet.”

“Hey!” Laf protested as he put his plate in the dishwasher, slamming the door shut. “I _love_ that carpet!” 

“Advil?” was all Herc said, pouting as Laf placed a tall glass of water in front of him. Herc stared at it, almost as if he was threatening the glass, before he chugged it in one. “How do you not feel like death, Laf? You drank more than I did last night,” Herc asked as John jumped off of the kitchen island. John’s barefeet hit the warm floor as he grabbed a banana and leaned against the wall, casually throwing one foot in front of the other. 

“Because I, _mon ami_ , am not a _lightweight_.”

Herc snorted and rolled his eyes, smiling when Alex walked in, looking like death. “Did you go out last night too? You look ruined,” Hercules asked, tipping the empty glass around. Alex shook his head, and rubbed his face with his palm as he started opening cupboards. 

“Alex just survives on strong coffee and little to no sleep,” John smirked, as Laf lightly punched Alex on the shoulder. 

“Speaking of coffee,” Alex said half sleepily, half angrily (Alex wasn’t in the best moods in the mornings) looking up at John. “Where the fuck are your mugs?” He turned away, bending down, searching through the bottom cupboards. 

“No clue,” John admitted, folding his arms, watching with amusement as Alex searched for the mugs.

“How do you not know where your mugs are?” Herc asked, running a hand through his cropped hair as he yawned.

“Since Laf got bored two days ago and decided to reorganise the whole kitchen.” 

Herc and Alex burst out into laughter as Laf rolled his eyes and folded his arms, walking over to a cupboard, pulling out a mug and shoving it into Alex’s chest. 

“You people are so annoying,” Laf remarked, shoving bacon into his face.

John smiled as he watched his three best friends laugh and goof around. Yep, John’s life was going pretty amazing right now. Everything was perfect. He loved his boyfriend, he was living with one of his best friends. He saw his other best friends almost everyday. He was good friends with his ex. He was doing great in school. John’s life was amazing, and he wished that he could just stay in that moment forever, completely content and blissful. Little did he know, that that was the happiest he’d be in a while, because in a couple of weeks, life was going to get pretty shit.


	23. Je m'appelle Lafayette

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You won't ever be worth it! DON'T YOU GET IT, ALEX. I DON'T LOVE YOU!"
> 
> The gang go shopping.

ALEX

Alex was practically living at John and Laf's now. It was miles better than living with Jefferson. Now, Alex really only saw his roommate during class and at the internship. Alex was lounging on John's bed, skimming the french book he'd stolen from Laf. He'd been reading the same sentence over and over again, the words not registering, because his eyes kept drifting up to John, who was standing topless, deciding what top to wear. Alex dropped his book on his stomach as he looked as John furrowed his eyebrow at the shirt he was holding. Alex swallowed and felt his face go red when John slowly turned turned his head to smirk at Alex, who fumbled for his book and held it back up. "You're _staring_ , Alexander."

Alex snorted and shook his head, "I'm _reading_."

John arched an eyebrow and smiled at Alex, "The book's upside down."

Alex groaned and rolled his eyes, dropping the book onto his face. "Just pick a top, Laurens. They're all the same anyway. Black or dark grey, short sleeves, half have a pocket, half don't. You always roll up the sleeves. Some have band names on them, some don't." 

John rolled his eyes, but put the dark grey, short sleeved, Metallica t-shirt he was holding back in the closet. Alex raised an eyebrow and snorted when John pulled out a bright red and white striped top. "You can't be serious." 

John smiled as he pulled the top on, and placed his hands on his waist. "I look great."

Alex just laughed and opened his mouth to make a sardonic remark when Laf burst in, frowning.

"You're meant to knock Laf," John said, raising his eyebrows at Laf standing in the threshold.

"Can we please go now? Herc's already there."

"I still don't see why we're going,” John grumbled as he and Alex followed Laf down the stairs. 

Laf gave a dramatic sigh as he put an arm on John's shoulder. "Because, _mon ami_ , since you've decided to use your money now, and because I will not let you live in a bare hospital room, you're getting some nice things." Laf was right, the only things in John's room was his bed and a closet. He didn't even have a desk.

Laf had tried to drag John to go shopping a couple of times now, but John had always come up with excuses. But today he hadn't been able to avoid it. Alex and John had been in the kitchen, Alex on his third cup of coffee, John stuffing Froot Loops in his face. 

Laf had entered the kitchen, his hair wet and a towel draped around his neck. "We're going to Ikea today,  _mes amis,_ " Alex had shrugged, he wasn't busy today and kept drinking but John had narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Laf and had cocked his head. "Why?"

"You need a desk," Was all Laf had said, before, "You're going, Laurens, it's not up for debate. Get changed."

"I have nice things," John pouted as they reached the bottom floor.

"I don't count, Turtle," Alex said, raising an eyebrow as they pushed open the front door. The sun was bright and Alex squinted in the light. As they walked to the bus stop, Alex took in the city. It was still fairly early, and most of the people on the streets were either runners or people walking their dogs. They passed The Grind on their way, and when Alex looked in, he saw Lee leaning on the counter, talking to Peggy. Alex's breath hitched and he looked up at John, expecting a reaction, but he couldn't even tell if John had seen them. Alex's boyfriend just smiled down at him, his white teeth and tooth gap shining down at him. Alex loved John's tooth gap. It wasn't big, or really obvious, Alex himself had only noticed a month ago, when John had thrown his head back and roared with laughter. 

"I hate buses," Laf said, crinkling his nose as they made their way to the seats at the back."They're so... _icky_." 

Alex rolled his eyes and John just snorted, pushing Laf lightly, hurrying him up. The bus was pretty busy, considering that it was quite early. There were three elderly women, a woman with a pram, a man reading a newspaper, a young man with a labrador and a group of people around their age. They sat at the back of the bus, behind the people their age. 

Laf sighed in disgust and curled his lips as he shuffled onto the seat. Alex sat next to him and John stood next Alex, holding onto the pole to steady himself as the bus lurched forward. John and Lafayette talked over Alex about their newest art assignment (they both took art together) and Alex listened to the start of the conversation but he quickly grew bored, and found himself listening in on the people in front of them's conversation.  

There were two girls and a guy. One of the girls had long white blonde scraped back into a fishtail plait and the other had dyed red, extremely curly hair, but her dark roots were coming in. The guy had dark black hair and he was sitting in front of the girls, facing them, his arms over the seats. The girls had leaned in and were whispering, the boy rolling his eyes exasperatedly. The blonde girl tried to subtly look over at John, Alex and Laf but she made eye contact with Alex and her cheeks blushed red and she turned back around, the brown haired girl laughing. 

It was then that Alex realised that they must be talking about them. Alex ran his tongue over his teeth and watched as the red haired girl giggled, and also turned around, but she didn't notice Alex looking at her, because she was intently gazing at John, leaning against the pole and smirking at a joke Laf had said that Alex had missed. Alex felt himself clench his jaw and narrow his eyes, angrily. 

The red haired girl smirked and bit her lip, before turning back to her friends, and nodding her head. The boy rolled his eyes again, and Alex heard him say, "Don't embarrass yourself, Ava." But the girl just rolled her eyes.

"Seriously, Ava, please don't," The blonde haired girl muttered.

"Chill Skye," ' _Ava_ ' said, smirking. She turned fully around and smiled up at John, Laf and Alex. Alex saw her first and clenched his jaw, before he lightly nudged Laf. Lafayette looked down at Ava, and arched an eyebrow before he simpered down at her, leaning down. 

"Hello boys," Ava smiled, biting the top of her lip. Alex rolled his eyes and slumped back in his chair as John just smiled shyly. 

" _Bonjour, mademoiselle,_ " Laf said softly, smiling. Alex rolled his eyes again, Lafayette always over exaggerated his accent when he was flirting with anyone. Alex watched as Ava fluttered her eyelashes. She was pretty, really pretty. So was the other girl and the boy, and all of them were watching Ava with a mix of amusement and embarrassment on their faces. 

"Oh, you're _french_?" She asked, running her tongue over her teeth.

" _Oui_. _Mon nom est Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette_ ," Laf smirked, as if he was impressed by his own name. " _Tu es très belle_." When Ava arched an eyebrow, Alex sighed. 

"He says you're very beautiful," The blonde haired girl said, and even though she was talking to Ava, she was looking up at John, her eyes wishful. 

"Oh," Ava smirked, running her hands through her hair. " _Merci,_ " She gazed up at Laf.

"And who is your bilingual friend?" Lafayette asked, his eyes moving to the girl who had translated. 

"This is Skye,” Ava smirked, before she turned to the boy who was watching the conversation with a very bored expression. "And this is West," Laf smirked down at West, and it made the boy crinkle his nose and narrow his eyes at Laf.

"We were just talking about how we've never seen you around campus. You are students, right?" Ava asked, looking up at John, dismissing West's mutterings. 

"Yeah," John said, awkwardly running his hand through his hair.

" _Skye_ here, was just saying how she would've remembered seeing someone like you around," Ava smirked, raising an eyebrow at John. 

John just shrugged and looked down at Alex, who was staring daggers at Ava. Skye blushed furiously and lightly flicked Hannah on the arm, narrowing her eyes at her but Ava ignored her. "What's your name?" Ava asked John, ignoring West's snort and Skye's protests.

"John. John Laurens," John answered, still trying to get Alex to look at him. But Alex couldn't. So he kept his eyes trained on his lap. He only looked up when he felt someone looking at him. He looked up to see Ava arching an eyebrow at him, waiting. 

"Alex," He said, folding his arms, not deigning her his full name. Ava just made a snorting sound and looked back at Laf. She opened her mouth to say something when the bus abruptly stopped. John almost fell forward but Alex jumped up and caught him by the arm. "Thanks," John smiled softly down at Alex, and it almost made the sinking feeling in his stomach disappear. _Almost_.

"This is our stop," West said, still glaring at Laf, before he offered Skye his hand, and pulled her up off of the seat. 

"Nice meeting you," She smiled at Laf and Alex, and even longer at John, turning when her cheeks went red. West and Skye made their way to the front of the bus, but Ava stayed before asking Laf for his hand. Laf obliged and held it out, raising an eyebrow as Ava brought out a pen. She wrote on his hand, and Alex noticed that she'd written two phone numbers. "The first one's mine, for you. The second one's Skye's. Give it to him," She smirked at John before she turned, flicking her hair over her shoulder as she sashayed to her friends. 

Alex felt his hands clench into fists as he gulped. John asked him if he was okay but he didn't answer, and when John placed his hand on his shoulder, he didn't recoil, but he also didn't lean into his touch.

 

Laf, John, Herc and Alex wandered around Ikea for a couple of hours. Well, it was more like Laf wandered around, throwing stuff into the cart and telling John that he _needed_ it. Herc and Alex walked behind them, talking. "What's on Laf's hand?" He asked Alex, his brow furrowing as he looked at Laf's hand as grabbed more stuff from the shelves and shoved them into John's chest.

"Some girls' numbers," Alex rolled his eyes. "One's for John and one's for Laf." Alex looked up at Herc and he swore that his friend's jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. He almost looked _annoyed_. He wondered why. Laf was always getting people's numbers.

But when Alex sighed and said, "One of the girls was really into John," Herc's face softened and he smiled down gently at Alex. 

"You shouldn't worry," Herc said, as he looked from Alex to John. "John probably didn't even know if the girl was hitting on him, I mean, he's a bit oblivious. He couldn't even figure out that you liked him. John's a good guy anyway. A really good guy, not like he would do anything."

Alex smiled, comforted slightly by Herc's words, but the sinking feeling in his stomach still didn't disappear. "I know," he said, nodding his head. "I know. He's the best."

 

 

Alex's dreams that night were haunted. It started off as a good dream, Alex and John were in their garden together, John's lips on Alex's. But then John had pulled away, and started backing up. With every step Alex took towards John, he took two steps back, shaking his head. "John?" Alex asked tentatively, reaching out, but John just shook his head more and started shouting.

"No. Get away from me Alex."

"What. I just-" Alex had tried, tears starting to fall down his face.

"Don't you get it. You're worthless. You don't mean anything," As John shouted at him, his face went dark, and shadows cast over their normally bright garden. "You won't ever be worth it! DON'T YOU GET IT, ALEX. I DON'T LOVE YOU!" 

Alex had taken a step back, stumbling slightly. John had laughed sharply and without humour as the tears on Alex's face fell faster. "YOU'RE WORTHLESS!" John screamed. As he shouted, the girl form the bus appeared, her arms wrapping around John as she kissed his neck. Alex stood frozen, and everything got even darker. 

"I NEVER LOVED YOU!" Alex's knees buckled and he crumpled to the ground, because he knew what John was saying was true. But he didn't know why he was saying it. Normally when Alex was with John, the bad thoughts went away, everything went away. "I NEVER LOVED YOU, ALEXANDER. YOU'RE WORTHLESS."

As Alex lay, shoulders hunched, on the ground, watching John shout at him, the girl kissing John turned morphed into Peggy. Although it wasn't Peggy. She didn't have Peggy's kind eyes or gentle smile. it was Peggy, but twisted and evil and ruined. Slowly, as her mouth met John's, John also started to change. His skin turned from tawny to a pale grey, and his bright green eyes went dark. Alex watched helplessly, as John kissed Peggy, until everything went dark. Everything went black and Alex couldn't see. He screamed in frustration and pain before he tried to stand up, pushing himself up. He moved slowly in the dark, calling out in-between his sobs. He held his breath when he bumped into something, he reached out, but the thing was gone. He heard a laugh from behind him, he gulped and spun around, finding his dad glaring down at him, his face in a sneer. 

"You," Alex staggered out, his fists clenching. 

"You're worthless," His dad laughed, narrowing his eyes at Alex. "I left because of you. Everything's your fault, Alexander."

"No," Alexander tried to protest, but he felt his cheeks get even wetter. "No, you left because of..." 

But his dad cut him off, "I left because of you. Everything happened because of you. YOUR MOTHER DIED BECAUSE OF YOU!" Alex gulped and took a step back, falling into some sort of massive hole. He fell into complete darkness, screaming as he grasped for something to grab onto, but it was just air.

He fell onto something soft, and it was only when he opened his eyes, he realised that he had shut them. He looked at what he'd fallen onto and felt like throwing up when he saw. It was his mum, lying in a hospital bed. Her eyes were open and she was staring at him, her skin too pale, and her eyes too tired. "Alexander." She whispered, holding out her hand.

"Mum," He whispered, tears still falling as he reached out for her hand. But she quickly snatched it back, and narrowed her eyes at him. 

"I died because of you," She whispered. "You killed me!" Her voice gets louder and Alex can't breath. "YOU KILLED ME!" Alex screamed and held his hands over his head as he shook his head. He wanted to get out of here, he needed to get out of here! When he couldn't hear his mom's screams, he lifted his head up. He was alone in the darkness again. The salty tears kept falling down his face as he stood up. He heard a gurgling sound coming from beside him. Alex gulped when he turned and saw his cousin dangling from a rope. 

"Fuck," He whispered as he backed away, his hands shaking. He watched as his cousin got swept away by a heavy wind and then that was all he could hear. The wind howled in his ears as his screaming suddenly stopped. He couldn't speak. He clawed at his throat, but he still couldn't speak. He could hear everyone else screaming, but he couldn't join in their yells of panic and fear. He was suffocating. He was suffocating but he wasn't dying. Why wasn't he dying? Why couldn't he just die?

"Alexander!"

Alex looked around, trying to breath, but he still couldn't see. 

"Alex! Babe! Alex! Alexander! Babe, Alex wake up!" 

Alex's eyes flashed open to see John's face staring back down at him. He was breathing heavily, and he was pretty sure he had been crying. "Alex?" John said. The soft tone in his voice made Alex burst out into tears. John didn't say anything else, just pulled him into a tight hug, and ran his fingers through his hair. "I've got you. I got you."

Alex just clung onto John's bare chest, gasping for air. He still wasn't sure that he could breath let alone speak, so he just nodded, and squeezed his eyes shut. But when he shut his eyes, he saw his dying mother, disappointed father and dead cousin. 

"I love you," John kept saying into Alex's head. "I love you."

But Alex didn't know if he could believe him.

 

 


	24. Laurens Is In South Carolina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No. Uh. Henry. Laurens. It’s Henry.”
> 
> John gets an important call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter guys, but I need to study for my exams x

LAFAYETTE

The call came at ten past midnight. They were all in Laf and John’s living room, John and Alex on one sofa, Herc and Laf on the other. Laf was practically sitting in Herc’s lap (Herc wasn’t complaining) and scribbling notes on his book. They were watching a documentary that Hercules and Laf had to watch for class. John was on his phone, one arm tight around Alex, who was staring blankly at the TV, his eyes wide and tired.

Laf had noticed that Alex had been acting pretty weird recently. He hadn’t really been talking, which was incredibly unusual for Alex. He wasn’t eating and he looked more tired than usual. Laf knew John was worried about him, but he also knew that John didn’t know what he could do to help him.

Laf watched as John put his phone down on the glass coffee table, and pulled Alex in closer to him. He looked down at Alex and smiled, kissing the top of his forehead. Alex smiled softly up at his boyfriend but it didn’t reach his dark eyes. He sighed deeply before he shut his eyes and leaned into John, wrapping his arms around his waist.

Laf turned back to the TV and after a while he leaned into Herc, watching the tips of his mouth curl up, even if his eyes stayed trained on the TV. 

The documentary was just ending when John’s phone started vibrating on the glass table. Laf sat up, alert, realising that he’d been just on the edge of sleep. He looked down at Herc was sleeping softly, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. He blinked and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands as he looked over at John and Alex. They were also both asleep, Alex on John, his face in the crook of John’s neck. 

Laf sighed deeply and scrambled off of Herc’s lap, picking up John’s phone. He squinted down at the screen, surprised by the name that was displayed. Henry Laurens. 

Laf knew who it was. Henry was John’s brother, the second eldest Laurens child. Laf just didn’t know why he was calling. Henry went to Harvard, and Laf was sure that John hadn’t talked to Henry in at least a year. Henry never called John. _Never_.

Laf hissed John’s name, but John didn’t wake up. Laf looked down at the phone, he sighed as he picked up. “ _John_?”

Laf furrowed an eyebrow, Henry sounded tired, and upset and... _broken_. 

“Uh, no. It’s John’s friend. John’s asleep right now.”

Laf heard Henry sigh on the other line, he _really_ sounded tired. “Can you put John on the phone.”

If he hadn’t sounded so...beaten, Laf would’ve reminded him to say please. “Yeah sure, just wait a second.”

“It’s urgent,” Henry said before Laf put the phone down. He went over to John and shook him until he woke up. He opened one bright, green eye at a time and squinted up at him. “Yeah?” He asked as he yawned sleepily.

”Your...uh...your brother’s on the phone.”

“James?” John asked confused. Even James didn’t call John. None of the Laurens apart from Martha called John. Ever. But especially not Henry.

“No. Uh. Henry. Laurens. It’s Henry.”

“What the fuck?” John muttured as he lightly pushed Alex off of him and stood up, grabbing the phone. “ _Henry_?” He asked, scratching his head. 

“Yeah.”

“Hold up. Calm down. I can’t hear you. Slow down.” 

“What?”

“No,” There was a pause on the line, and Laf watched as John held his breath. His hands were shaking and his face had paled.

“Okay. Okay.” John said, his voice cracking and wavering. “I’m on my way.”

He hung up the phone and shoved it in his pocket before he looked up at Laf. “I Uh...I need...I need to go.”

“Go where?” Laf asked, confused. 

“South Carolina,” John said, his throat bobbing.

“What? Why? Why do you need to go to South Carolina?” Laf asked, arching an eyebrow.

“You’re going to South Carolina?” Laf and John turned around to see Alex sitting up on the sofa, stretching out his arms. 

John just nodded before he bit out a gasp. “It’s Martha and James. Henry said...they got into a crash and...” tears started to fall down his face and his knees buckled. He fell onto the floor, and Alex was instantly next to him, holding him up. Laf just stood frozen, his heart pounding.

“John,” Alex said, seeming more alive than before, but John just shook his head and pushed himself up. 

“I need to leave,” He sated, making his way to the front door.

“How the fuck are you going to get to South Carolina?” Laf asked, as he and Alex followed John. “John, _ami_ , think this through.”

“James might be _dead_ , Laf!” John shouted, spinning around to look Laf in the eye. “Martha, Martha might be...be _dead_!” He shuddered as he pulled the front door open. “I’ll get a plane,” He said, shaking his head, as if he didn’t believe what Henry had said.

“Wait,” Alex said, grabbing John’s arm before he could leave. “I’ll come with you.” 

John looked at Alex, and just stared at him for a while, before he slowly shook his head. “No. Stay here.”

”What? No. I’m coming with you!” Alex protested, still not letting go of John’s arm.

“No. Stay here.”

“John-” Alex tried again but John shrugged his hand off, and stepped out onto the landing.

“I don’t want you to come, Alex! Stay here,” And with that John left, slamming the door, leaving a frozen Alex standing there as Laf tried to ask him if he was okay. 

“He didn’t mean it, Alex,” Laf tried, placing a light hand on Alex shoulder. 

Alex swallowed, and breathed out deeply, before he nodded lowly. “Yes he did. He definetly did. But I don’t care. I’m still going.” 

“Alex, wait!” Laf tried to call after him, but Alex had already flung open the door, and was running down the stairs, taking two steps at a time.

Laf swore as he slammed the door shut, and growled in frustration. He turned around to see a sleepy Herc leaning in the threshold, yawning and ruffling his hair. “What the fuck is going on?”


	25. One Last Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay. This is what's going to happen, buddy. You're going to let me in before my little sister and brother fucking die!"
> 
> John's heart breaks.

HENRY

Henry Laurens hadn't been back to Charleston, South Carolina in a year. He hadn't spoken to his older brother in a year. No, he hadn't spoken to his brother in _four_ years. He just hadn't _seen_ his brother in a year. He hadn't seen any of his family in a year. But it had gone back a lot further than that; Henry hadn't really spoken to anyone with the last name Laurens in four years. It had been too much.

Every time he'd looked James in the eyes, he'd seen the memories of their mother in his eyes. Every time he had talked to Martha, he'd heard his mother's laugh, his mother's sweet voice. Every time he'd watched Mary paint, he’d seen their mum's talent and flair. 

But John had been the worst. Henry, James, Martha and Mary all looked like their dad; dusty blonde hair, brown eyes, round faces, delicate noses. But John...John was the splitting image of their mum. Sharp features, hazel green eyes, wavy brown hair, freckles everywhere. When Henry had looked at John, he'd been staring straight at his mother. After their mother had died, John had grown even more alike her, personality wise. Shitty temper, sharp tongue, the same glint of recklessness in his eyes that she'd had. Henry couldn't stand the sight of John.

It had taken him half an hour to call him. Henry hadn't even had John's number saved in his phone. He'd had to take it out of Martha's phone. He'd paced the hospital corridor, staring down at his screen before he'd growled and told himself he was being pathetic. But when he'd heard his older brother, his own voice had cracked as he'd had to tell him what had happened.

Henry still couldn't believe it himself. That's where he was now, sitting in James' room, head in his hands. Two fucking car crashes in one family. Already two fucking fatalities. Henry sighed, and rubbed at his eyes, erasing the evidence of his tears. He'd called John five hours ago, his brother should be here soon. Henry exhaled deeply and pushed his head out of his hands, and looked at his little brother lying, emotionless and still in the hospital bed. Henry pushed himself up off of the chair and slowly walked over to James. He slowly tipped his head down to look at his brother. He let out a short wail and his knees buckled. He knelt down on the linoleum and grabbed his little brother's hand. It was cold. Not a refreshing cold like John's hands, but a frigid and raw, intense cold. Henry didn't even bother to wipe away the tears that fell, they just clung to his jaw.

James had always been the good one. Henry and John had ran away from their problems, rather flee to far away places than confront their issues. But James...James had stayed. He'd stayed with their dad and their little sisters, to protect them. To keep them safe.

Henry shuddered and gripped his little brother's hand, watching as his chest rose and fell robotically. He shoved his head into the mattress, and let the tears fall down, like a dam bursting open. He only lifted his head up when he heard shouts coming from outside. He stood up, squeezed James' hand before he went over to the door and raised an eyebrow as he looked out of the glass window. He sighed in frustration and pain when he saw John at the counter, screaming at the poor nurse sitting behind it. 

"They're my fucking siblings! My little sister and my little brother!" John shouted, his hands flailing around. 

The nurse shook his head tiredly, "I'm sorry sir. If it was up to me I'd let you in, but you don't have any ID and-"

"They're my family!" John shouted, his voice getting louder and angrier. "They're my fucking family! You need to let me in! NOW!" The nurse just shook his head again, this time standing up as he ran a tired hand through his hair. 

"You don't have any ID, sir," The nurse tried again.

"I didn't know I needed fucking ID!" John protested, slamming his hands on the counter. 

"Sir, if you keep on using that language, I am going to have to call security." John barked a humourless laugh as he shook his head, like he didn't quite believe what was happening. 

"Okay. This is what's going to happen, buddy. You're going to let me in before my little sister and brother fucking die!" John was screaming now and his head was cocked, and his fists were clenched. The tell tale signs of John's fury. Henry scowled as he pulled open the door, and rubbed his tears away by the back of his hand before he stepped out into the corridor. He quickly walked over to the counter and stood next to his older brother. John was still taller than him. 

" _John,_ " Henry hissed, narrowing his eyes at his brother who was staring down at Henry, like his head was on fire. Henry rolled his eyes before he turned to the nurse, who was still standing and glaring at John. "Sorry sir. This is...he's...he _is_ my brother. John Laurens. I can bring back some ID for him later, but right now, he...he really needs to see his sister and brother."

"You're with the Laurens patient?" The nurse asked, looking at Henry before he picked up a clipboard. "Martha?" Henry nodded before he noticed John looking down at the clipboard, obviously wondering why James' name wasn't there. "Yes. Martha Laurens. Thank you," Henry muttered before pulling John by the sleeves of his sweater into the corridor. 

"You can't swear at the staff, John," Henry hissed when they were alone in the corridor. 

"Don't tell me what to _fucking_ do, Henry," John said through gritted teeth, emphasising on the swear. Henry clenched his jaw and lowered his eyebrows. This was not the time for John to go off the rail. He wasn't allowed to get angry and get into fights. He wasn't allowed to make this about him. Henry was about to tell him this when John talked first. "Where are they?" Henry gulped before he looked away from John. John caught him glance away and took Henry by the shoulders, and not in a loving way. " _Where the fuck are they, Henry_?" 

"Before you go and see them. There's uh...there's something I need to tell you, John."

JOHN

John was going to throw up. He pushed past Henry, literally shoved him out of his way before he bolted to James' room. He threw the door open before he froze in the threshold. James was lying there on the bed lifeless, and John collapsed to his knees, placing his hands on the floor, trying to steady himself.

He was breathing raggedly and he was shaking. He heard the door shut behind him, and he knew that Henry was now in the room with him. He let himself cry as he looked at James, until he noticed the rise and fall of his chest. At the sign of life, John leapt to his feet and sprinted over to James, to make sure. He was right, James' chest was falling and rising rhythmically. John spun around, growling, and ran towards Henry, arms stretched. He blocked his younger brother in with his arms, narrowing his eyes down at him.

"He's breathing. You're lying. You were fucking lying, you piece of shit!" Henry flinched, and his nose flared before he shook his head, and looked up at John, his brown eyes painted in mourn and grief.

"No. He's not, John," Henry said softly.

John shook his head violently, and growled. "He's _fucking breathing_ , Henry," He said, desperately trying to persuade himself aswell as Henry. He spun and pointed at their younger brother on the bed. "Look at his chest. _He's fucking breathing_!"

"No. John. That's just the ventilator. It's uh...it's providing oxygen to the heart and pumping the blood. James was an organ donor, John..." Henry started rambling on about medical terms, but John wasn't listening, he was too busy trying not to throw up. John turned around, still not listening to Henry and leaned down next to James.

"He's dead, John. James' gone. He's gone."

 

John stayed at James' side, after Henry had left the room, sobbing silently into the mattress as he clung onto his little brother's hand. But it didn't feel like James' hand. James’ hands were always warm and clammy, they were never this cold. James' light brown hair was cropped. James had wavy hair and Mary always stuck pencils in it. James' brown eyes were shut and John regretted not ever being able to see them again. He hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to his youngest brother. He could've stayed, spent the last two years with him. Maybe if he'd been here, he would've been driving, maybe he could've kept James safe.

James had always been a heartbreaker, always politely rejecting the girls that had fawned over him. He'd always said that he wanted to wait until he met 'the one'. Now he never would. He'd never meet the one and get married to his dream girl. James would never have kids or graduate uni or go to Paris. James would never try a peanut. James would never ride a horse. He'd never get a job, or his own place, or escape the hellhole that is the Laurens household. John lifted his head up and shook as he looked away from James. Of course James was an organ donor, he was amazing. Always thinking about other people, even at seventeen. Even from beyond the grave.

As John breathed deeply and shook his head into the bed, he couldn't get James' face out of his head. James running on the beach. James pretending to lose at Monopoly because he wanted Henry to win. James and their mum dancing in their living room. James helping Mary with her french verbs. James at his graduation, the last time John had   returned to South Carolina. James  trying to bake a cake for Mary's tenth birthday. James at Martha's figure skating competition.

 _Martha_.

John pushed himself up, and stood over James, finally wiping away the tears that had clung to his jaw and stained his cheeks. "I'm sorry, James. I'm so sorry. I should've been here. I should've stayed with you. You were always the best of us. I always admired you, James. You...I'll never stop loving you. I should've said it more. I should've called you. Asked about how you were doing. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," John whispered, trying to catch his breath. "I love you, James. Goodbye for now. Goodbye." John squeezed James' hand, that didn't feel like James hand one last time before he left, shutting the door quietly behind him.

He leaned against the wall in the corridor, trying to keep his breathing regular. He pinched the bridge of his nose before he squeezed his eyes shut. He pulled at his hair, digging his fingers angrily into his curls. He gulped and stayed like that for a few minutes before he exhaled deeply, and opened his eyes to see Henry in front of him. His brother was standing against the wall opposite him, his arms folded as he looked up at John. His face a cast of melancholy and grief. His brother looked like shit. His normally well kempt hair was messy and unruly, his face was pale and he looked broken. 

John guessed he probably looked the same. 

“Where’s Martha?” John asked, his voice breaking. 

Henry just pushed himself off of the wall, and gestured for John to follow him. John winced as he followed Henry, looking back at James’ door one last time.

Henry led him to the other side of the building, and they had to check in with another nurse before they were allowed in. Intensive Care Unit. John read the sign above the door as he gulped. John followed Henry silently as he showed him to a room. John pushed lightly on the door, opening it with a click to reveal Mary and his dad, and Martha lying on the bed. Mary was sitting in a chair next to Martha, holding onto her sister’s hands, as if she could pull Martha back awake. His dad was in a chair on the other side of the room, his back arched forward, head in his hands.

John stepped in, and Mary looked up. When she saw John, her face crumpled and she was instantly up, her arms wrapped around him. He gulped, trying not to cry as he held Mary, tightening his arms around her. She was only fifteen, and she’d already been through so much shit. Mary sobbed into John’s chest, clinging onto his sweater before she pulled back, and looked up at John, her eyes watering and her lip quivering.

“You’re really here?” She asked, as tears ran silently down her cheeks. John just nodded, before he pulled her back into him.

“I’m really here.” 

When Mary pulled away, she went with Henry to get coffee, clinging onto John’s hand until the very last second. 

John looked at his dad, who was staring at him. “John,” He nodded, and John was surprised to hear his dad’s voice crack, before he stood up.

“Father,” John nodded back, bristiling as his dad brushed past him.

”I’m...I’m going to get me and Mary a change of clothes, from home. Do you...uh...want me to bring you something back? You left some clothes in your room,” His dad asked from the threshold. 

John just shook his head, hoping that his surprise at his dad’s civility wasn’t extremely obvious. His dad just nodded again before he left, the door shutting behind him. John sat down in the seat that Mary had been in, and held Martha’s hand. He blew out a sigh of relief when Martha’s hand still felt like Martha’s hand. Warm and smooth.

When he’d led him here, Henry had told John that Martha was in a coma. James had been driving her to the mall, when a drunk driver had smashed into them, causing James’ car to swerve and turn upside down. 

James had looked unscarred, just a couple of scrapes on his face, but Martha was a different story. Her face was a map of angry pink lines and deep gashes. She was still his beautiful sister though. Still Marthamoo.

John sat in that seat for an hour, on his own, holding Martha’s hand and talking to her. Maybe she could hear him. “If you fight, Mar. If you fight, and hold on. I’ll stay. I promise. I won’t go back to New York. I’ll stay here with you, if you fight. I’ll stay with you, here in Charleston. Please just fight,” He said, running his fingers along her hand. He sighed and pulled his hand away when the door opened. 

John turned around in his seat to see Henry in the doorway. He looked fresher. He’d taken a shower, changed clothes and his hair was styled but he still looked defeated.

“I think you should go back to the house,” Henry said. John shook his head and turned back around, although he appreciated that Henry didn’t call the house home. Charleston had stopped being John’s home the moment his mother had breathed her last breath. And now with James gone, and Martha in hospital, Charleston felt like a cell.

“Just for an hour, John. Take a shower, change. I’ll stay with Martha. Mary’s here too.” 

John looked back at Martha and squeezed her hand before he slowly stood up.

“Fine. But I’ll be back in an hour. You want anything from the house?”

Henry shook his head and John went to leave as his brother took his space on the chair, throwing John the keys to his car. “Oh and dad said that there’s someone at the house for you.”

“Who?” John asked, looking back, eyebrow arched, but Henry was facing Martha already.

He just shrugged and said, “One of your old school friends, maybe?”

John didn’t say anything else, just left the room. As he drove back to the house in Henry’s car, he wondered who was there for him. He hadn’t told any of his old school friends that he was back yet, he probably wouldn’t anyway.

There wasn’t any other cars apart from his dad in the driveway, John observed as he parked. So whoever was here hadn’t driven.

He sighed as he jumped down out of the car, and locked it behind him as he pushed open the front door. Whoever was here would be having a short visit, because John would be telling them to leave as soon as possible.

John flinched as he stepped into his old home, all of the bad memories punching, slapping and kicking him. He pushed the overwhelming ideas to the back of his head (he was staring to push a lot of things to the back of his head lately) as he wandered into the kitchen, seeing his dad shove groceries into the fridge. John hovered in the doorway until his dad looked up.

“I’m going back to the hospital now. Someone came by looking for you. I told them to wait in your room.”

John followed his dad into the hall and watched as he picked up his car keys and opened the door.

“Who is it?” John asked as he made his way onto the first step of the stairs.

His dad just shrugged, “Didn’t catch his name.”

Then John was left in the nightmare house all on his own. Well, on his own with his visitor. He sighed as he made his way up the stairs, forcing each his legs to move forward with each step. He just wanted today to be fucking over. He couldn’t take anymore death or heartbreak. He just wanted it to be over.

He sighed as he pushed open the door to his childhood bedroom, expecting to see an old high school friend. But instead he saw Alexander fucking Hamilton, awkwardly standing in the middle of his room, facing the window. When Alex heard the door open, he spun and his mouth parted when he saw John. It was then John knew he looked like shit.

“John. I know you didn’t want me to come but I just-” but John was alreasy shaking his head and collapsing into Alex, tears streaming down his face.

Alex held him as John cried and shook his head into his boyfriend’s chest. “He’s gone, Alex,” He whispered in between sobs. “I didn’t get to...you didn’t get to meet him. I didn’t...I don’t... I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to say goodbye one last time.”

Alex just held him tighter as John continued sobbing, “He’s dead. He’s dead and I wasn’t here for him. He’s gone.”

“I know,” Was all Alex said, as John shut his eyes and held on to his boyfriend.


	26. What Comes Next?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I knew you couldn’t keep up this nice act you had going on, Henry.”
> 
> Alex meets the Laurenses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, 1000 hits guys! Thanks so much for reading. X

ALEX

Alex had held his boyfriend until he had run out of tears. He hadn't known what to say, so he'd just held John tight, until he'd fallen silent. John hadn't said anything else, just held onto Alex's top as his shoulders heaved. One arm tight around John's back, the other smoothing his curly hair out of his head. They'd sat like that for a while, John's head pushed into Alex's chest as he sniffed, and rubbed at his eyes. After a couple of minutes, of sitting huddled together on the cold floor, John had lightly pushed out of Alex's embrace, and slowly stood up. He'd looked down at Alex and blinked, before chewing on his top lip, and looking like he'd wanted to say something. Alex had been scared that John was going to tell him to leave, tell him he didn’t want him here, but he hadn't. John had just smiled softly although it hadn’t reached his eyes, before sighing deeply and turning around, back to Alex.

"I'm going for a shower," He'd muttered, before pulling off his top and throwing it carelessly on the ground, and pulling open a door which Alex had assumed led to his bathroom. Alex stayed on the floor, knees pulled up against his chest. He didn't know what to say to make John feel better. He didn't know if there was anything in the world he could do to help his breaking boyfriend. He just knew that he had to stay. Stay for John, and just be with him. Be there for him.

Alex gritted his teeth as he held his head in his hands, and listened as the shower turned on. He bit his cheek as he looked around John's room. It was the complete opposite from his room back in New York. The main difference was that there was stuff everywhere. Not necessarily mess, but just things. Books, bags, clothes, chargers, pens, photos. And there was actual furniture.

One of the walls was covered by a whole oak bookshelf, filled with stacks of different novels and books. There was an double bed, fitted with superhero sheets, that made the tips of Alex's mouth curve up. There were beanbags pushed against the side of the bed, a guitar lying abandoned on them. The closet was slightly open, and Alex could see an array of clothes, ranging from black to grey hanging inside. There were plants littered everywhere, and Alex wondered who had been watering them while John had been away. There were posters of bands that Alex vaguely recalled John talking about taped above his bed. A big oak desk was pushed against one wall, pens and papers strewn over the surface. Alex pushed himself up off of the floor and wandered over to the desk, taking a closer look. 

There was sketches scratched into the wood, and there were markings all over it. There was a dent in one of the legs, as if someone had kicked it furiously.

But the main attraction in John's room was the wall that the desk was pushed against. It was covered in drawings. Pinned, tacked and taped against the cream wallpaper. They covered the whole wall, and they were so amazing, they made Alex's mouth slightly fall open. There were drawings of people, most of them Alex didn't recognise. He only knew Martha, and there were a couple of drawings of people that Alex assumed were John’s other siblings (that all looked like Martha).

There were drawings of the house that they were in. Paintings of landscapes, buildings and animals. Most of the drawings were beautiful, and realistic, but there were a couple of them that were haunting. Alex made out a dark black patch, and he stepped closer, and lifted up the sketch that was covering it up, to reveal a charcoal drawing of John. But it wasn't really John. It looked like the John that Alex had had the nightmare about; dark and twisted. The nightmare John was screaming in the drawing, and pulling at his hair. Alex shuddered and let the sketch fall in front of it, covering it up and stepped back. 

"I meant to take that one down. A bit depressing isn’t it? Drew it after mum died." Alex spun to see John standing there, wearing a pair of black jeans and an oversized grey shirt. He looked better; _cleaner_ , but he still didn't look like John. Not like Alex’s John. His normal bright green eyes seemed hollow and broken, and his face was pale, his skin slightly grey. John pursed his lips before he took a small step closer to Alex. "I told you not to come." He said quietly, almost a whisper.

Alex gulped and started to explain himself, "I know. I know you did, but I...I just. I couldn't leave you and you may have told me not to come but I-"

"I kno,." John breathed, pulling Alex's hand into his own. "I'm sorry for saying what I said. I'm glad you came. Thank you, Alex," John whispered as he traced Alex's creases in his hand with his fingers.

"I wasn't going to leave you," Alex muttered taking a step closer to John, taking his other hand. "I'm sorry. John. I'm really sorry."

John just nodded, and stepped into Alex, leaning his forehead on his Alex's shoulder. "Thank you for coming," John said again, throwing his arms around his neck. "How did you know where I lived though?" He asked, not looking up.

"Laf. He said he sent you something here last year." It had taken Alex the good part of an hour to persuade Laf to tell him where John lived.

"I'm already at the fucking airport, Laf," Alex had hissed into the phone as he'd queued, waiting to get on the plane.

"I don't care. He asked you not to go," Laf had said back, before muttering, "Yeah, Herc."

If it had been a different situation, Alex would've pressed Laf about why he was still with Hercules, but he hadn't had the time or the effort, so he'd just said, "I fucking swear to god, Lafayette. Tell me where he fucking lives right now."

Laf had exhaled a deep sigh before he’d groaned in frustration and said, "Mepkin Street, number fifteen. The massive gothic looking mansion at the end of the street. You can't miss it."

Alex had bristled and sighed in relief before he'd thanked Laf, and hung up. Alex had spent the whole of the flight stressing and pulling at his hair, wondering what he would say to John when he saw him. But John hadn't even been there when Alex had arrived. He'd caught a taxi at the airport and told the driver the address, his hands fidgeting as he watched the landscape from the window. He'd held his breath when the driver had pulled up onto Mepkin Street, Laf was right, the Laurens' house _was_ a gothic mansion. 

"You're going to the Laurens'?" The driver had asked as they'd pulled up. He'd been fairly old, about fifty, and he'd seemed nice enough. Alex had nodded when he'd turned around to face him.

"Yeah. Why?"

"You a friend of that family?" He'd just asked, ignoring Alex's question.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm John's...friend."

"John's the oldest, isn't he? My son was in his year at high school. John came over a couple of times, always said please and thank you, always praised the wife’s cooking. He’s a good kid, just went a bit off the rails when his mum died, the poor lad. Punched anything and everything that even whispered anything bad about his family."

"He's...he's not like that anymore," Alex had said, sitting forward. 

"I believe you. I always liked that boy. He used to shovel our driveway when it snowed. I always liked the Laurenses. Awful shame, what happened to their mother."

"Yeah." Alex had agreed as he'd pushed the door open and stepped out. "Thanks," The driver had just smiled softly at him before he'd driven off, leaving Alex standing alone in front of John's childhood home. It was fucking huge. It had a literal turret. Alex had clenched his jaw as he'd walked up the gravel pathway, and gritted his teeth before he'd knocked on the door, praying that John would answer. But the man that had pulled open the door, hadn't been John. It had been Henry Laurens, John's dad. As soon as Alex had seen him, he'd wanted to knock him out. Make him feel what he'd made John feel. Give him the same scars that John still had engraved on his body, make him feel as scared as he’d made John feel. Make him feel as trapped as he’d made John feel.

Henry Laurens had arched an eyebrow and narrowed his brown eyes at Alex. He didn't look like John. Didn’t look like him at all. "Yes?" He'd asked, folding his arms. "Can I help you?" Alex had ran his tongue over his teeth before he'd nodded, trying to look past Henry into the house.

"Is John in?" He'd asked, looking up at John’s dad.

"Who's asking?”

"I'm uh...I'm uh his...friend, from New York," Alex had said, gulping as he ran a tired hand through his messy, dark hair.

"You came from New York?" Henry had asked him, surprising painting his face.

"Yeah. I uh...I heard about Martha and James. I'm sorry." At that, Henry's face had softened and he'd pushed his tongue into his cheek, looking Alex up and down. 

"Thank you," Henry had nodded, before he'd said, "John isn't here at the moment, he's still at the hospital." Alex had sighed lightly and ran a hand through his hair.

"Thank you, sir. I'll uh...I'll come back later then." He'd made to turn around, but Henry Laurens had shaken his head and stepped to the side.

"No, wait. You can wait in John's room, for him to come back." Alex had nodded, and stepped inside. It was even colder inside the house than outside. Alex really hadn’t wanted to be left in Johns old home without John. "Up the stairs, first door on the right."

Alex had nodded, and watched as John's dad had made his way through a door, leaving Alex alone in the corridor. John's house was massive and opulent. The walls were covered in fancy wallpaper, and the wooden stairs had a long red carpet running down the middle. Alex had wondered how many times John had ran down these stairs. He’d wondered what John had been thinking when he’d walked down these stairs for the last time.

Alex had sighed, and wondered if he should keep his shoes on or off, before going with the former. He'd trudged up the stairs and let himself into John's room, and had waited for his boyfriend to appear.

 

 

John sighed and kept his head leaning on Alex for a little longer, before he stepped back, and smiled softly down at him. "I should probably go back now," He whispered. 

Alex nodded, before he bit his lip. "Do you want me to..." He started, not finishing his question. Not sure what he was really asking in the first place.

"Come," John nodded, tugging at Alex's hand. Alex had just nodded lightly before he let John lightly pull him out of the room. They walked down the grand stairs in silence, hand in hand, and walked out of the house in silence, hand in hand, John locking the door shut behind them. Alex held in a sigh of relief, happy to be out of that house. 

They broke apart as they clambered into the car (which Alex found out was Henry’s) but Alex’s hand found John’s again as they drove in silence. They didn’t turn on the radio and John didn’t look at Alex, just kept his eyes on the road, his hands gripping the wheel. Alex noticed the silent tears that fell down his face, and dripped down, John not wiping them away. 

When they pulled into the car park, they sat in the car, hands intertwined, silence still surrounding them as John looked at Alex, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. “What comes next?” Alex breathed, lightly squeezing John’s hand. 

“You meet my family, and we pray that Martha wakes up.”

 

Alex hated hospitals. Well, he guessed that _no one_ actually liked hospitals, but they made Alex want to throw up. They made him feel like he wasn’t wearing his own skin, made him feel itchy and scratchy, gave him a sick, crawling feeling all over his body. Ever since his mum had died, he hadn’t stepped in another hospital, because he’d been scared that all of the bad memories would rush over him at once, pushing him, kicking him, making him want to scream. But he couldn’t do that now, he had to be here for John. 

John was in the room with Martha, but Alex had stayed outside, in the waiting room, not wanting to overstep any line. He wasn’t alone though, Henry (John’s brother) was sitting across from him and he knew that John’s brother was watching him. Alex looked up from the book he had been absently flicking through, none of the words registering in his brain. 

When Alex looked up his eyes met Henry’s. Alex fought the urge to make a snarky remark, because he knew Henry’s little brother had just died, but the filthy look he was giving Alex was making it very hard. Alex bit his tongue and lightly shut the book, running his hand down the spine as he watched Henry warily.

“Is it in French? The book?” Henry asked, gesturing to the book.

“Yes,” Alex nodded, poking his tongue into his cheek. He didn’t know where he stood with Henry yet.

“So,” Henry said, narrowing his eyes at Alex.

“ _So_?” Alex asked, placing the book on the table in between them. 

“How do you know John?” He asked, folding his arms as he leaned forward in his chair. 

Alex bristled, but kept up his civility. “From university. In New York,” He answered simply, purposely not giving Henry the answer he was looking for. 

“So. You’re his friend.” Alex had no idea if Henry was stating or asking, but he had no idea what to say anyway. He didn’t know if John wanted to tell his family, or if they already knew.

“I’m-” Alex started, but he didn’t need to finish his sentence, because John had exited the room, and was standing against the closed door, arms folded and eyes narrowed at his little brother. 

“My boyfriend,” John stated, arching his eyebrow his brother. Alex bit his lip, and looked back at Henry to see his reaction, but Henry just shrugged, and snorted before leaning back in his seat. 

“You got a problem?” John asked, stepping over to Henry. Henry just rolled his eyes and stood up, sneering up at John. 

He shrugged before he said, “No. I don’t have a problem with you having a boyfriend, _brother_. I just have a problem with you in general, John.”

John narrowed his eyes at Henry and sighed, his fists clenching. “I knew you couldn’t keep up this nice act you had going on, Henry.” 

Henry laughed, but it completely lacked humour. “Whatever,” He shook his head before he ran a tired hand through his hair. “I’m going home.” John pulled out the keys from his pocket and shoved them into his chest. 

Alex watched as Henry glared at John before he spun on his heels and walked down the corridor. Alex stood up off of the chair and stepped over to John, squeezing his shoulder. “Okay?” He asked softly.

John rubbed his eyes and looked down at Alex, before he smiled gently. “Okay,” He nodded.

”I’m going back in. Do you want to-”

Alex shook his head. “No. I’ll stay out here. It’s fine.” Alex couldn’t go in. It would slam everything back at him all at once. And Alex had to stay strong for John. 

“Okay,” John yawned, before smiling lightly at Alex, he pushing the door open and walking into Martha’s room. Alex sighed and sat back down on the extremely uncomfortable chair, picking up his book again, and carried on staring at the page, the french words meaningless. All he was thinking about was how he couldn’t help John. There was no quote, or phrase, or advice, not even a single word that he could say to John to help. And it made him feel like shit. 

But he stayed in the hospital waiting room, the plain white walls and clean vinyl floors staring back at him, for the next two hours. Then overnight. Then for two days. John came out a couple of times, trying to get him to leave, telling him he couldn’t stay. That he didn’t need to stay. But Alex just shook his head and stayed in the seat, not moving. He couldn’t leave. Couldn’t leave John alone. John was all Alex had, and he’d be damnned before he left him alone during this. He loved John, and you didn’t leave the poeple you loved.


	27. Hadn't Slept In A Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I just needed to say...I needed to say thank you. Not just for me, but for Henry and Mary too. Thank you. Thank you so much, Alex."
> 
> John and Alex kiss.

ALEX

Alex hadn't been sleeping, or eating, or really even living. He been practically living at the hospital with John, only leaving to go back to John's house for a couple of hours a day. Alex wasn't sleeping, eating or showering, but no one around him was noticing, because they were even worse off than Alex. They all looked like zombies, pacing the hospital, muttering prayers under their breath. It had been three weeks, almost a month, and Martha was still unresponsive. Alex was getting increasingly worried, especially about what would happen to John if Martha died. It was inevitable, the doctors had made it clear that there was a massive possibility that Martha would only survive on her own for another month, then...then it might be over. But it seemed that none of the Laurenses were going to believe that.

Mary and Henry spent most of their time in the waiting room with Alex, and it seemed like they couldn't bring themselves to see Martha. Their father had spent one week with them at the hospital, before he'd said he'd had to go back to work, he couldn't take any more time off. That was bullshit, Alex knew that, it was clear that John's dad just couldn't deal with everything that was happening. So, instead of being there for his children, he ran off, abandoning them. John stayed in the room with Martha, gripping her hand. He rarely came out, and every time he did, it made Alex's heart squeeze. He was pale, and too thin. He was still ripped, but his skin was starting to hang off of his cheekbones. His eyes were lined with red and the skin around them was rough and patchy. He looked like the living dead. And Alex was useless. Completely and utterly useless. He couldn't do anything to help. Couldn't say anything to help. So Alex just tried to make himself as helpful as possible. 

He brought food to John and his siblings. He went down to the cafeteria at breakfast, lunch and dinner, and balanced trays of food on his arms, bringing it up to John and whichever family member was there. He brought them food, but they didn't eat it. Alex would place a bowl of soup in front of Henry or Mary, before he'd go to talk to the doctors, and he'd come back to the waiting room to see Mary just staring down at the bowl, moving the spoon in circles, or Henry staring angrily at the soup, his fists clenched and eyes arrowed. Henry was always looking for someone to blame.

Alex'd try and persuade Henry to sleep, to which would Henry just snort and tell him to piss off. He'd try and help Mary with her homework, but when John's little sister would just shrug and tell Alex that she couldn't do it, he'd nod and do it for her, mimicking her handwriting. 

Alex had gotten to know Mary and Henry quite well, although he knew he wasn't getting close to them, not really. Alex wondered what Henry or Mary had been like before this, or before their mother had died. Henry rarely talked to Alex, and when he did it was only to make a snarky comment. Mary didn't speak, but she didn't necessarily not talk to Alex alone. She didn't speak to anyone, the only person Alex had seen her have conversations with was John. The only thing Mary had said to Alex apart from thank you, was to ask him if he could please feed Salchow, which Alex had later found out was Martha's labrador. 

Alex went back to the house twice everyday to feed Salchow. He was the only thing that was keeping Alex sane. The only thing that Alex was around that still ate and slept. It was the only time where Alex let himself relax, let himself sit on the floor, Salchow's head in his lap, as he leaned against the wall, breathing raggedly. It was the only time he let himself shut his eyes. He called Laf and Herc when he was at John's house. Gave them updates but he mostly just listened to them talk, he missed his friends. Once, when he'd been playing fetch with Salchow (Salchow wasn't good at fetch, he never brought the stick back) he'd gotten a call from Peggy. Alex had gulped at the name, before he'd picked up, biting his lip. "Hi," He'd muttered. 

"Alex," Peggy had choked out. "Oh my god, Alex. I'm so...so happy to hear your voice. I...I tried calling John, but he won't pick up. He's not picking up his phone. I...I heard about...about James and Martha." She had taken a while to get the words out, Alex heard the tears that had fallen, that had made her voice crack and waver. "Is he...is John okay?"

Alex had bristled, what was he meant to say? John wasn't okay, his little brother had died and his sister was dying, he wasn't eating, or sleeping, or showering. He was't talking. He _wasn't_ okay. But Alex couldn't tell Peggy that, could he? 

"He's uh...he's with Martha right now, in the hospital."

"That isn't an answer to my question, Alex," Peggy had said.

"He's uh...he's fine. He's not done anything rash or anything." 

Peggy had sighed in relief and just said, "Stay with him, Alex. He needs you," before she'd hung up, leaving Alex alone again.

Alex was looking after Henry and Mary, but only because they were letting him (even if Henry did try and deny he was accepting help). John was a different story. He didn't eat the food Alex brought him, and he wouldn't sleep, not even when Alex practically begged him. 

That's where Alex was now, standing against the door to Martha's room, watching as Henry read To Kill A Mockingbird with Mary. Alex ran his tongue over his teeth, waiting for John to come out. When he didn't, Alex sighed, and turned around, hand on the doorknob. John had literally not eaten _anything_ for four whole days, hadn't slept in a literal week. Alex had to do something. He exhaled, before he pushed on the door, and stepped in, shutting it lightly behind him. 

John's eyes were shut, drawn into himself, and he was holding Martha's hand, breathing slowly. "John?" Alex asked, softly, stepping over to John. He looked up, his eyes tired and glassy. "You should probably eat, let's go to the cafeteria?" Alex asked, placing his hand lightly on John's shoulder. He almost flinched when he felt the bones in his shoulder. The cafeteria food was shit, but John _had_ to eat something. John looked like he wanted to protest, but he glanced down at his own stomach, maybe noticing how his t-shirt hung loosely off of him, or maybe Alex had just looked desperate, because he nodded, standing up and found Alex's hand. He stood up like his back hurt (it probably did, he'd been sitting in that chair for days now) and he winced.

They walked down to the cafeteria, holding hands, and Alex couldn't help but notice that John was walking slower than normal. John was normally a fast walker, and sometimes Alex had to jog to keep up, but not today. Today John was walking slowly, taking one step at a time instead of his usual running/walking pace. The cafeteria was brightly lit, and Alex watched John narrow his eyes as they walked further in. There were a couple of other people at the scattered tables, a mum and two little kids at one; the kids laughing and jumping up and down. The mum sighed, and let her head drop into her hands, and Alex noticed the tears that fell, even if her kids were oblivious to their silent, crying mother.

John ordered a chocolate milk, and a cookie (Alex made him get some food) and Alex got a black coffee, and a muffin. They sat down at a table next to a window, and they held hands across the top. John drank his milk, but he didn't eat his cookie, just picked at it as he ran his tongue over his teeth. Alex rambled on, the silence too overbearing for him. This was the first time he'd been alone with John for nearly a month, he wasn't going to let them sit in silence. But Alex shut his mouth when he noticed John breath out a tired sigh before he looked up at him. "Alexander?" John asked, looking down at his broken cookie.

"Yes, Jonathan?" He asked, grinning brightly when John smiled lightly.

"I just needed to say...I needed to say thank you. Not just for me, but for Henry and Mary too. Thank you. Thank you so much, Alex," John said, looking up at Alex from under his eyelashes.

"I'm always gonna be here for you," Alex said, smiling at his boyfriend. "I love you, and I'm not going to ever, _ever_ leave you alone." 

John shook his head, his eyes tearing slightly. "But it's...I just..." He sighed lightly, and Alex was pretty sure it was in frustration. John wasn't the best at using his words. "I know it must be hard...on you. To be here, in a hospital, and I'm relying so heavily on you, but...you're all I have really," He breathed, silent tears streaking down his face.

Alex smiled slightly. "I'm not leaving," He said, leaning across to wipe away John's tears with his thumb, leaving his hand on John's face as he ran his fingers down his too thin face. "I really like you and I love you."

"I really like you and I love you," John nodded, before also leaning in, and lightly brushed his lips against Alex's, before sitting back in his chair, leaving Alex leaning in, his lips in a pout. "That's all you get, Hamilton," John snorted, and it made Alex smile. He was joking again. He was laughing again. He was still his John.

He opened his mouth to say something when someone shouted John's name. They both turned to see Mary standing in the cafeteria entrance, staring straight at them. John stood up, the legs of his chair making a horrible scraping sound against the floor, before he practically ran over to Mary, Alex right behind him. "What's wrong? Mary, what's wrong?" He asked, taking his sister by the shoulders. But Mary just shook her head, and let out a sigh before she wrapped her arms around John.

"She went into...some sort of fit..." John bristled and went to pull away but Mary kept her grip around him. "No. She's fine. She's fine. She's just out of surgery, and...the doctors said she's gonna be fine. She's going to be fine, John."

John let out a shaky sigh before he wrapped his arms around her, and twirled her around. "I need to go see her," He said, pulling away.

Mary shook her head. "You can't. No one's allowed to see her for a couple of hours."

"I'll go wait upstairs then," John said, furrowing his eyebrows.

"You should go home, John. You've been here for four days straight. Go home, please. Just for a couple of hours, you can't see her anyway. Take Alexander. Have a shower. Eat some food."

Alex expected his boyfriend to put up a fight, to protest, but he just lightly nodded, his head hanging before he looked behind him and smiled brightly up at Alex. Alex grinned, and he breathed out, wondering if he'd breathed since he'd left New York. John took Alex's hand in his and nodded again. "Okay." 

Alex was hit with déjà vu as he sat on John's bed, listening to the shower start in John's bathroom, but this time there was a glimmer of hope. He stood up, and ran his tongue over his teeth, making his way over to the bookshelf, running his fingers over the spines of the books. He was so engrossed in the titles, he didn't hear the shower turn off, and he didn't notice John standing behind him until his boyfriend cleared his throat. Alex spun around, dropping the book he was holding on the floor. "Hi Hamilton," John smirked. He looked different. He looked like...John. Like three months ago John. 

"Hi, Laurens?" Alex asked, arching an eyebrow. He held his breath as John took a step closer to him, then a couple more, until John was standing right next to Alex, looking down at him with a coquettish grin plastered on his face. 

"I've not kissed you in a while," John muttered, and Alex felt his knees buckle. "I missed you." 

"I've been here the whole time," Alex breathed, his nose crinkling as he smiled up at John Laurens. Smiled up at John Laurens and his curls and freckles and moles and dimples and everything. 

"Not like that, Hamilton. I mean... _I've missed you_."

Alex gulped and all he could do was nod, before John's lips were crashing on to his and his own hands were running through John's curls. "I missed you too," He grinned into the kiss. 

John just grunted and practically picked up Alex, before pressing him onto his childhood bed and smashing his lips against Alex's. 

It was like the time before, the time in John's room in New York, but this time it didn't end with innocent kisses on the neck. Alex lay his head on John's bare chest, still panting and breathing raggedly, drumming his fingers lightly on his stomach. John was asleep, his mouth partly open and his chest moving up and down. Alex nestled in closer, wrapping his arms tighter around his boyfriend, and for the first time in a month, John felt solid. John felt _there_. Alex wished they could just stay there, lying together forever, but he never knew how bad it was going to get. How badly they'd get dragged down and how shit everything would get. But right then, in that perfect moment, Alex's head on his boyfriend's chest, his fingers running up and down his bare, sleeping body, Alex felt pretty fucking happy.


	28. I'm Not Throwing Away My Shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What are you doing here, Ramirez?"
> 
> John and Alex kiss somemore and Jake confronts Martha's ex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hardcore make out sesh coming up

JOHN 

John woke up in the bed that he hadn't slept in for two years. He yawned and opened his eyes. Bright light was shining in from the bay window, they must've forgotten to close it last night. _God, last night. H_ e looked down, expecting to see Alex lying next to him, but he wasn't there. John pushed himself up onto his elbows, and looked around, furrowing his eyebrows when he realized that Alex wasn't in his room at all. He blinked and yawned again as he looked down at his phone. It was only eight in the morning. John rubbed his eyes when he saw that Mary had texted him, fifteen minutes ago.

 **(** **7:43 ) Mary** :  **Martha's fine. Still won't let us see her, doctors saying we can go in around 1. Remember to eat. See you at 1 x**

Martha was fine. She was going to be fine. She was going to live. Everything was going to be _fine._ John let out a sigh of relief as he let himself smileas he stretched out on the bed.

He quickly texted Mary back before he pushed himself up off of the bed and pulled on a pair of jeans and a shirt when he heard a clattering bang come from downstairs. John smiled, and made his way down the stairs, pausing on the steps when he saw Alex in the kitchen, standing next to the oven. He was holding an empty packet, furrowing his eyebrows down at the instructions on the back. There was bacon on a pan, eggs on another and the smell made John's stomach clench. Alex had practically forced John to eat yesterday when they'd gotten back home. John's boyfriend had found a frozen pizza in the refrigerator, and split it, but as soon as John had taken a bite, he'd wanted to throw up. He’d ran to one of the bathrooms, scared that he was going to heave. He hadn’t but he’d sat down on the bathroom tiles for a couple of minutes, running his hands through his hair.

"What are you doing, Alexander?" John asked, dangling his arms off of the banister. Alex spun around and dropped the packet (John's boyfriend seemed to be dropping things a lot recently) onto the counter.

Alex rolled his eyes and muttered, "You need to stop sneaking up on me, Laurens."

John smirked and continued down the stairs, "What you doing?" He askedagain, leaning against the fridge. 

"Nothing," Alex muttered, turning back to bacon. John went to say something when he sniffed, and suddenly the smell of smoke took over the smell of the bacon. "Is something... _burning_?" John asked, furrowing his eyebrows and crinkling his nose. Alex paused before he swore and turned around. 

"Shit, the toast," Alex clenched his jaw before he ran over to the toaster, popping it up and sighing when he saw the practically black toast. "I was trying to make breakfast. I thought I could, turns out I...uh... _can't,_ " He sighed, tossing the toast into the garbage. John smiled and patted Alex's shoulder, before he lowered the heat on the eggs, and scrambled them, then checked on the bacon. It was still soggy. John gave them three more minutes before he pilled everything onto two plates, and grabbed orange juice from the fridge, pouring twoglasses.

"Thanks Turtle," Alex nodded gratefully, before he picked his fork up, but then he paused and looked at John, who was just staring down at his food. When he noticed Alex watching him, he picked up his own cutlery, and started eating, smiling slightly when Alex grinned brightly. 

John finished first, and tried to push away the slight sick feeling in his stomach as he ate his eggs and bacon. "Your house is massive," Alex said as he shovelled scrambled eggs onto his fork. His hair was falling in his face, and instead of tying it back, Alex just get trying to blow it out of his face, to no avail because it just kept falling back. He was wearing one of John's dark grey, shot sleeved, band tops. It was too big for Alex, because not only was John a lot taller than his boyfriend, but Alex was also skinny, where John was muscular. "Laf was right," Alex remarked, looking around the kitchen as he ate.

" _Laf_?" John asked, eyebrow arched.

Alex looked up and smirked as he made eye contact with John, "He said it was a massive gothic mansion," He burst out into laughter when John rolled his eyes and sighed.

"It's Georgian. Not _gothic_." 

"It has a turret," Alex said, raising an eyebrow. John shrugged and leaned back in the chair. The house was big, it had like fifteen rooms, but after his mum died, it had felt like living in a cell. John had never ran into anyone because the house was so huge, so he’d always felt alone. He'd always felt like he was suffocating, like he couldn't get any oxygen. John had spent most of his time outside, under the willow tree, just drawing and thinking. It had been the only place he'd been able to breathe. Whenever he’d stayed in the house, he’d felt like a fish in a bowl.

John stood up and picked his empty plate up, rinsing it before he placed it in the dishwasher. He leaned on the sink, his hands steadying him, he looked outside. It was bright, and the willow tree's massive, leaning, branches was swaying in the slight summer wind. Salchow was running around, burying his head into the grass before he jumped up, and started chasing his tail. John bristled, but didn't pull away when he felt Alex wrap an arm around his waist. "Okay?" Alex asked, looking up at John.

"Okay," He nodded, before pulling Alex into a hug. "I'm okay," He whispered before Alex pulled him into a kiss. It started off gentle, but then John’s hands were in Alex’s hair, and the kiss was opening up, Alex giggling when their noses bumped.

Alex pushed his fingers under John's top, tracing his fingers down his stomach. John was pretty he sighed, or maybe he swore, because anytime Alex touched him, it sent electricity coursing through his veins. John was pretty sure Alex knew this, because he didn’t stop moving his hands, and he grinned into the kiss as his hands found their way onto John's hips, his nails grazing John's skin, and it made John shake, like a fucking earthquake rippled through South Carolina.

John managed to pull away from Alex long enough to mutter, _upstairs_ , before their lips were back, crashing hungrily against each others. They stumbled into John's room, and as soon as John shoved the door closed with his foot, he pushed Alex against it and ran his hands through his silky, amazing dark hair.

" _Laurens,_ " Alex breathed, and it made John smile into the kiss. Alex pulled away and gulped, looking John up and down, before he quickly pulled John's top off over his head, and pulled John back into a kiss. John shuddered, and somehow managed to get his top off of Alex's chest, his forehead leaning against Alex's as he traced the thin scar on his stomach. "Alex," He muttered, but was cut off by Alex's lips once again on his own. John placed his hands on Alex's face,feeling the prick of stubble and the warm heatradiating from his skin. John neededthat warmth.  _Right then_.He pulled Alex, by his hands onto the bed. 

Alex felt right under John's body. He didn’t remember it ever feeling this... _right_ , this good with Peggy. But John couldn’t really remember anything at that moment. The only thing in his head was Alex, Alex, Alex. He needed Alex. Alex's arms had been around John, those _fucking, amazing hands_  pulling him closer and closer and closer until there was no space between them. John had his hand on either side of Alex's head, holding himself up as Alex's hands wandered.

John gulped when Alex's lips pulled away from his, and made his way to his neck, then his collarbone, then his shoulder. " _Alex,_ " John didn’t even recognise his own voice. He sounded raw, and needy and hungry.

Alex pulled away, his teeth grazing against John's shoulder. " _Laurens,_ " He whispered, his hand on John's jaw. "I really like you, Laurens," Alex muttered, and the more Alex kept talking, the more Johnwas slowly losing his mind. He was so in love with this boy. He needed this boy.

"I like you here," Alex said, his fingers tracing the hickeys he'd left on John's neck, and shoulder and collarbone (if there was one thing that Alex wasn’t, it was subtle. John had red marks everywhere). "I like you here," He breathed as his cool fingers ran over John's freckles. John was panting then, his head drooping as he shuddered. "I like you here," Alex whispered, his thumb running along John's lips. "I like you here," He said as he pushed a curl behind John's ear. "I like-" But John couldn't take it anymore, he pushed his lips against Alex's, his back arching.

The kisses were rough, and burning and hungry. Clothes off, mouths clashing, skin pressed together, _mind fucking racing._ John couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t speak. He was drowning in Alex's mouth and body and kisses and words and hair and moles and whispers and curses. John's toes curled and he sighed into the kiss, Alex'shands were on his skin, and it was burning John alive. John couldn’t think straight. He could only say three words; fuck, shit and Alex.

It lasted forever but it was also over too quickly. John was panting as his arms failed him and he collapsed down next to Alex. John shut his eyes as he listened to Alex's ragged breaths. When he opened his eyes, he sawAlex looking up at him, his eyes wide. John gulped before he smiled, and took Alex's hand in his own, squeezing it. Alex sighed deeply before he faced the ceiling and muttered, " _Fuck_."

John nodded in agreement. He was pretty sure he was still panting and slightly shaking, and he noticed that Alex still was aswell. "I love you," John said, running his fingers down Alex's bare body.

"I love you," Alex breathed, looking up at John, his dark eyes wide and beautiful, and John fell in love with him all over again.

They lay in John's bed for a couple of hours, just looking at each otherbefore they blushed and looked away, then looked over at each other again. "You're a literal universe, John. With all your constellations," Alex muttered as his fingers drew invisible lines, connecting all of John's freckles, all over his body. John sighed and reluctantly pulled apart from Alex when his phone rang, arching over his boyfriend to pick his phone up.

"Henry," He sighed, falling back onto his back.

"You need to get here _now_ , John."

HENRY 

Jake Ramirez had shown up an hour ago, begging Henry to let him see Martha.

The same Jake Ramirez that had cheated on Martha twice. The same Jake Ramirez that Martha had broken up with. 

Henry had said no, but Jake was relentless. He'd said that that he wasn't leaving until he saw Martha. So, Henry was now standing in Martha’s room, watching as Jake sat in the empty and shitty hospital waiting room, his head in his hands. Henry’s breath hitched as he watched Mary walk in to the waiting room, her face in a pretty smile before she saw Jake sitting there. She ran her tongue over her teeth as she narrowed her eyes when Jake stood up, and made his way over to her, his hands clasped. He said something, but Henry couldn't hear it, and he watched as Mary shook her head. 

Henry scowled as he looked down at his phone, he'd called John over an hour ago. And he still wasn't fucking here. He _should_ be here. He sighed in frustration before he slammed his phone down on the table, glancing at Martha. She was still unconscious. Henry gulped and looked back out of the window.

Jake's face had crumbled and Henry watched as he took a step forward, to which Mary took one back. Jake looked like shit. His tanned skin was almost grey, his normally coquettish and smirking dark eyes were tired and sad. His dark hair was messy and unruly. And he just looks tired.

Jake had always been the high school heartbreaker. When Martha and Jake had been freshmen in high school, Henry had been a junior. Jake had wandered down the halls with his clique, all of them footballers with their gelled hair and girlfriends that clung to their sides. He'd winked at the girls as they'd giggled at him, smirked and grinned when they batted their eyelashes. John had hated Jake. He'd hated him even more when he'd started to go out with Martha. When his little sister became Jake's girlfriend. The girl he threw his arm around in the corridors. It had made Henry despise him.

And then he'd cheated on Martha, and Henry had watched from the threshold as James had held their sobbing sister in his arms. Henry had wanted to kill Jake, but John had actually nearly done it. He'd gone after Jake, only threw one punch because Martha had begged him to stop.

Henry sighed as he pulled open the door, and went to interrupt Jake, when John and Alexander sprinted into the waiting room, skidding on the vinyl flooring. The first thing that Henry noticed was that John looked...different. Like how he had four years ago. Even though he still looked tired, his eyes were bright and he looked like he was glowing. The next thing he noticed was that Alexander was wearing John’s clothes, and that while he also looked tired, he also looked bright and glowing.

John took one look at Jake, before he snarled and grabbed Jake by the shirt, pinning him against the wall, his feet dangling off of the floor. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He snarled. Henry rolled his eyes and stepped out into the waiting room, shutting the door behind him. 

Jake stiffened, his face paling for a second before he rolled back his shoulders and narrowed his eyes at John. Henry knew Jake was scared shitless of John because of what had happened last time. Last time he'd cheated on Martha. John had found out and punched Jake, square in the face, pretty fucking hard. "I'm here to see my fucking girlfriend," Jake snarled.

" _Ex-girlfriend,_ " John said, deadly quietly before he leaned in closer. " _What are you doing here, Ramirez_?" He asked again.

"I'm here to see Martha. I need to...to apologise for-"

" _For cheating on her,_ " John finished, tightening his grip on Jake, who paled slightly again before he gulped and nodded.

"Yes. For cheating on her. I want to apologise for cheating on her," Jake said. John snarled and looked like he wanted to gut the younger boy. 

Henry watched as Alexander placed a hand on John's shoulder. He expected his brother to shrug him off, or to tell Jake to fuck off. Henry wanted John to tell him to fuck off. Jake didn't deserve a second chance. Didn't get a shot at forgiveness. He'd already thrown his shot away. But when Alexander's hand made contact with John, he loosened. He took a step back, letting go of Jake's shirt, the younger boy's feet hitting the floor as John dropped him. John sighed deeply, and took another step back as Jake shuddered. "Please John. Please. I'm _fucking begging you,_ " Jake pleaded, looking up at John, his eyes watering slightly as his voice broke.

John breathed in and took another step back, running his tongue over his teeth before he slowly nodded, looking away from Jake.

“ _What_?” Henry protested, but when his brother slowly turned around and narrowed his eyes at Henry, he shut up. John turned back to Jake and nodded again, even though his fists were clenched. Jake just sighed in relief before he practically sprinted to Martha's door. Henry turned his head and watched as Jake opened the door. Watched as he gasped, then shook his head before he walked in, closing the door behind him.

" _What the hell, John_?" Henry hissed, his hands flailing. "You're just gonna let him walk in there? Left him see her? After what he did?"

John sighed tiredly before he fell into one of the crappy chairs. He leaned his head against the wall and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "She's _asleep_ , Henry.” She wasn’t really asleep, she was unconscious and unresponsive. “It's not going to harm her."

Henry gritted his teeth. "That doesn't matter!" But John wasn't listening to him anymore. He was too busy smiling at Alexander, who had sat down in the seat next to him. John had a weird smirk on his face, and so did Alexander, as if they shared a secret that no one else knew.

Henry scowled, but no one noticed. Mary had sat down, on the other side of John, and they were talking. Henry sighed and rolled his eyes before he sat down, back straight, on the other side of the room. He’d left his phone in Martha’s room, so he didn’t have anything to do, so he took to merely glaring at the people across the room from him. Mary and John were talking and Alexander was holding John’s hand as he sat reading the same french book he’d been reading that very first day.

Henry couldn’t believe that John had let Jake go in there. Let him just walk in and see Martha after everything he’d done. Henry watched as Mary stood up, and pulled her pinafore down before she asked if anyone wanted coffee. All three of them shook their heads and she nodded, leaving them alone in the waiting room. The waiting room was the most depressing place Henry had ever been in. There were crappy white seats that felt like rocks and only one sofa. There was a glass coffee table and there were magazines from two years ago sprawled out on it. But it wasn’t the furniture that was depressing, it was the posters that were dotted around the room, depicting pictures what to do when there was emergency. It was the stock photos of dogs and smiling families that were definetly all paid actors that didn’t even know each other. There was never really anyone else in the waiting room, just Henry, Mary, John and Alex.

Henry watched his brother sigh and lean his head on Alexander’s shoulder, to which Alexander just softly smiled, and wrapped an arm around John. 

Henry opened his mouth to tell John that he was stupid, and that he shouldn’t have let Jake go in, when there was a shout from Martha’s room.

John was instantly up, Alexander behind him, and Henry just watched completely frozen as Jake threw the door open and shouted. “Nurse! Doctor! Help! Someone please help!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live for your comments, gimme feedback y’all x


	29. Death Doesn’t Discriminate Between the Sinners and the Saints, it Takes and it Takes and it Takes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't fucking lecture me, Henry."
> 
> John's heart breaks again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: minor character death
> 
> Guys saddle in. It’s real long, sorry y'all

ALEX

Martha didn't make it through the night.

She died holding John's hand.

There were no sirens.

No alarms.

Just a single beep, then a mournful silence.

She died a silent death.

And there hadn't been a noise since the realisation had set in.

Alex silently watched from the threshold as Mary quietly sobbed into Henry, her muted older brother holding her tight. Their reticent dad sat in the chair next to the empty bed, his eyes glassy and empty. John was standing taciturn at the window, staring out blankly, his hands dangling at his sides.

It had been one of the worst things Alex had ever experienced in his life.

Jake had smashed open the door, shouting for help, his face pale. John had instantly been up, dropping Alex's hand, and at the door, but the nurses hadn't let him in. John had snarled and argued, and Alex had been the only one able to calm him down. Henry had gone to get Mary, and John had called his dad who'd arrived half an hour later. They'd all sat in the waiting room, and John had stiffened under Alex's hold when they'd watched the doctors wheel Martha out of her room, and into surgery. Henry had held Mary, who had been silent, just gripping helplessly onto her brother.

Then Jake had slowly walked out of Martha's room, his jaw clenched and eyes down at the floor. John had growled and quickly stood up, and Alex hadn't even bothered to tell him to sit down, John had had an adamant and angry glint in his eyes, and Alex had learned that there wasn't really anything he could do to stop his boyfriend when he got like that.

Jake'd leaned against the door, head in his hands, only looking up when John was right next to him. "Get the fuck out of here." John had breathed, his tone deathly. Alex had bristled as he'd watched as Jake had looked up at John and shaken his head. _What a fucking tool_.

Alex had glanced to the side to see Mary staring at Jake, her fists clenched, before she'd looked up at Henry and muttered something. Henry had nodded slowly, and they'd walked out of the waiting room, hand in hand. John and his dad hadn't even noticed. John's dad had just sat there, head in his hands, oblivious to anyone and everything. And John was too concerned with Jake to care.

"No," Jake had muttered, still shaking his head. "I...I'm waiting for her. I need to apolig-"

"I don't give a fuck," John had said through gritted teeth, anger slowly dripping deep into his voice. "I don't care if you want to apologise. You hurt her. You don't get another second chance. _She_ already gave you one, remember, and you fucked up. You fucked up again, just like last time. Like the last time you fucking cheated on her. Piss off, Ramirez. Get the fuck out!"

Jake had pursed his lips and pushed John away, but he'd walked to the exit anyway. Alex had clenched his jaw when Jake had slowly turned around, and narrowed his eyes at John. "You're a dick, Laurens. You're such a fucking dick. You piss off to New York, too fucking useless to stay for your family. Then you only come back when your brother is _dead_ and _YOUR SISTER IS FUCKING DYING_. YOU'RE A PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT! TOO ABSORBED IN YOUR OWN GODDAMN LIFE TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE ELSE ALL BECAUSE YOUR FUCKING MUM DIED!"

Alex had seen John snap. His eyes had turned from an angry green to furious and deadly slits. His fists had clenched and he'd snarled, his chest had started rising and falling quickly. But Alex had been quicker than John. 

Alex had stood up and even though Jake had been the same height as him, he'd shoved him out of the waiting room before John could murder him.

He'd shaken his head and narrowed his eyes at the younger boy. "Get out, Jake. Don't come back. And if you ever say anything like that again, I'll _fucking kill you_." Jake had looked shocked, and Alex didn't know if it was at Alex, or at what Jake, himself, had said to John. " _Get out,_ " Alex had spat, slamming the door in his face, and watched as Jake had frowned and turned on his heels, and walked out. He didn't come back.

Henry and Mary walked back in, ten minutes later, Mary's eyes puffy and red, her cheeks wet, and Henry just looked...defeated.

An hour later, Dr. Goldsberry (Martha's doctor) had come into the waiting room to talk to John's dad. He'd looked up and nodded when she had asked him if they could speak in private. They'd only been gone for about twenty minutes but it had felt like twenty slow and crawling hours.

That was it.

Alex knew that that had been it. As soon as he'd seen Dr Goldsberry's face; tired and mournful, he'd know that it had been over. But John had paced the floor, hands fidgeting and antsy as he'd muttered under his breath, eyes up to the ceiling and Alex had known that John had been praying. Alex knew that John didn't really believe in any god. Didn't believe in miracles or phenomenons. John didn't believe that any divine being was in control, was watching them. In fact, he regularly said that everything happened for a reason, a reason that didn't have anything to do with any deity. Alex wondered if John had changed his mind, if that was why he seemed to be praying and pleading to any god that was listening. Wondered if that's what John had been thinking. Because what reason could there be for a seventeen year old's death, and for a sixteen year old girl in hospital? Death didn’t discriminate, it took and it wasn’t going to stop taking everyone that Alex cared about. It was going to keep taking and taking and Alex couldn’t do anything about it.

Alex had watched John freeze when Dr Goldsberry had walked back in, his dad close at her heels. He'd been clutching a piece of paper, and Alex caught the words, _Do Not Resuscitate_ at the top, and Henry Laurens' signature at the bottom. That's when Alex had _known_ that there had been no going back. He'd known it had ended before the doctor had even spoken. Her dark frizzy hair had been falling out of her bun, and her face had been pained. She looked like Angelica. A tired and older version. Angelica wanted to be a surgeon. Alex wondered if she'd really realised that she might have to do shit like this. Tell a sixteen year old's family that she wasn't going to wake up again.

"The surgery failed," Dr Goldsberry had said, clutching her clipboard, before she'd glanced down at the watch on her wrist. Alex had felt like he'd been trapped in a slow motion car crash. "Martha has about an hour left, until..." She had looked around, before her eyes had settling on Alex. She'd probably known that Alex wasn't family. Maybe she hadn't been able to look at any of the Laurenses, so she had settled on him. "Until she dies," She'd finished her sentence, and looked down again. "I'm sorry. We did as much as we could. We tried everything. I'm sorry for your loss," She'd said professionally, before she'd said something to John's dad that Alex hadn't heard, and had left them all standing, fixed, in the waiting room. Everything had been quiet for a second. No one had spoken. No one had moved. No one had breathed. 

But then John had been up and opened the door to Martha's room. Henry and Mary had both followed him, Henry shaking his head while his little sister had just gripped his hand, and Alex had seen the tears that had streamed down her face. Their dad had stood there for a second, breathing deeply and raggedly, before he'd made to walk into the room, when he’d paused in the threshold.

Alex had made to follow them when he'd stopped. He hadn't known whether to go in, or to stay outside. He hadn't known where he'd stood. But then John's dad had turned around, and looked Alex in the eyes, his brown eyes worn and drained, before he'd gestured with his head for Alex to follow them. Alex had bit his lip and nodded before he’d stepped inside, Henry Laurens shutting the door behind them, locking them in a sterile, white bubble. Suffocating all five of them with the inevitable countdown of death. 

Martha hadn't looked like Martha anymore. She hadn't looked like she had in John’s drawings, or the photos that John had showed Alex. In the photos she had been laughing and smiling, her long, dark brown hair, clean and silky. Her lips had been plump and pink, her cheeks rosy and her eyes bright. But lying there, she'd looked like a lifeless doll, wires and tubes crowding her, her hair dry and spread out around her like a halo. Her skin had been so pale and light she'd looked almost translucent. John had been sitting next to her, elbows on his knees, one hand holding up his head, the other gripping Martha's pale hand. His cheeks had been dry, like he was reining himself in.

Alex had gulped, his breath catching in a silent sob, before he’d slowly walked over to John, placing a light hand on his shoulder. John had been looking down at Martha, his lips trembling. Alex jumped slightly when a beeping noise came from the heart monitor hooked up to Martha. The line had gone flat.

"Martha," John had breathed, and it had been so quiet Alex had been the only one who'd heard it. The machine beeped again, but a nurse had entered the room and had started silently switching the machines off. His hands steady as he did it. The screen with the flat line went black. It had switched off. Just like Martha's life.

Mary had started sobbing, a horrific, grating sound, and Alex had turned to see her burying her face in Henry's shoulder. Henry himself had just been staring at Martha; his lips wavering as tears had silently fallen down his face. Their dad had been leaning against the wall, back arched, head in his hands as he’d wailed. Dr Goldsberry had walked into the room, and had shaken her head at the nurse, who had nodded solemnly, and muttered a time as he'd written it down on a clipboard. Martha's time of death.

John had still been tugging on Martha's hand as if he could pull her back to life. He had been leaning over her, their foreheads pressed together. “I promised I’d stay Marth. I promised you. You can’t leave me Martha. You can’t die. You can’t die. You can’t die. Please wake up, please Marthamoo. I fucking need you. Wake up, Marth. Please, please fucking wake up,” John had whispered, in between sobs. Alex had swallowed a sob, felt it burn out in his chest, like a firework of pain bursting out across him. John had lifted his head up, and slowly hovered a hand out over Martha's face, as if searching for the breath that wasn't there. Because Martha had stopped breathing. Alex had gulped and breathed out deeply as he’d willed his hand to stop fucking shaking. When it hadn’t, he’d taken it off of John's shoulder, not wanting to let his boyfriend see him in pain. As soon as Alex's hand had left his shoulder, John had fucking lost it. He'd practically jumped out of the chair, the legs had made a horrendous scraping sound against the floor that had made Alex wince. John had taken steps away from Alex, dropping Martha’s hand.

"Do something!" John had screamed at Dr Goldsberry, his tone dripping with panic, and fear, unraveling. "Fucking _do something_! You're a fucking doctor," He'd shouted, his voice breaking as his eyes had streamed. Dr Goldsberry had bit her lip before she'd shaken her head, placing a hand on John's shoulder. "I'm sorry, John. She's gone." Her voice had a hint of empathy, but most of it had been painted in a professionalism coldness. John had just shrugged her hand off, and looked behind him at Martha, shaking his head furiously before his eyes had met Alex's. His green eyes had been unruly and wild, watering with tears. Alex had opened his mouth to say something, but he hadn’t known what he could say, so he’d just pursed his lips and let his head fall slightly. He couldn't agree with John on this one, John couldn't scream at a doctor to bring his dead sister back.

John had gasped and let out a cry that had made Alex's heart splinter. "John," Alex had tried, reaching his hand out, but John had already run out of the room. Alex had looked around the room, frozen. Henry and Mary had been clinging to each other, and their dad had moved from his spot against the wall to his children. He had his arms around both of them, tears running down his face as he held his sobbing children. Alex had gulped before he'd looked at Dr Goldsberry who had been looking at him, face straight, even if her eyes had been slightly watering. "You should go find him," She'd said, before she'd walked past Alex and over to Martha. Alex hadn't said anything else, just pushed open the door and ran after his boyfriend.

He'd found John in the small hospital courtyard, leaning against a tree, his head in his hands, sobs flooding his whole face. Alex had paused, the sound of John crying like a bullet smashing through him. But he'd forced himself to walk forward, and sit down next to John, subsiding his own tears as he’d wrapped an arm around John. His boyfriend hadn't recoiled, like Alex had been expecting, he'd just kept crying and let his head fall onto Alex's shoulder. "John, babe?" He'd breathed.

John had pulled back slightly, his face wet, and his hands had started flailing around, as if trying to grab reasoning from thin air as to why this is all happening. Alex had grabbed John's hands and held them tight, never wanting to let go. "I'm...I'm so...so, so fucking sorry," Alex had managed to get out, his whole heart crumbling as John has let his head hang, his shoulders hunching.

"I-I just-I can't-" John had kept cutting himself off, never finishing a whole sentence. Alex had just nodded, helpless, as John had clenched Alex's t-shirt, before placing his hands on his own face and screaming into them. John's screams had been full of regret, frustration, grief and pain. So much fucking pain. Then John had buried his head in Alex's chest, and he'd muttered no over and over and over again into the fabric of Alex's top. " _No.No.No.No.No.NO.NO.NO_!"

Alex had just held John before he’d stopped muttering no, as if the word was a spell that could solve everything. "She's gone. He's gone. My little brother and sister are both gone," John had whispered into Alex's chest. Alex had just nodded, barely aware that he had also been crying himself. "How are they gone?" John had muttered, not sounding like John. "Why are they gone? Why are they gone, Alexander?" 

It had only been when John had repeated himself, that Alex had realised that John had actually been asking Alexander. He had genuinely wanted an answer. "I don't know, John. I don't know. I'm so sorry babe, but I don't know," Alex had muttered into John's hair, desperately trying to stop John from breaking, desperately attempting to hold John together. But he hadn't been able to. He'd watched as John had fallen through his fingers, slipping away fast.

 

John wasn't crying anymore. Neither was Alex. Or Henry or John's dad. The only person still crying was Mary, as she gripped onto Henry. Alex can't tell if it was better or worse that his boyfriend wasn’t crying, because John had turned emotionless and stiff and silent.

"Henry. Mary. John," Their dad said from the chair, looking away from the empty bed. Henry looked up, his eyes glassy, at the same time as Mary looked up from under her wet eyelashes. John didn’t turn away from the window, his back still facing them.

"Yeah?" Henry said, his voice breaking as Mary stepped out from his arms, and walked over to her dad, wrapping her arms around him. "You all need to go home now. It's getting late." Mary just nodded as her dad squeezed her hand, before he stood up and wrapped an arm around his only daughter, pulling her close as she started silently crying again. Henry sighed and nodded again before he said, "I'll go in my car. I'll take Mary." Mary sighed deeply before she lightly pulled away from her dad and followed Henry out of the room.

Their dad nodded before he turned to John who was still looking outside. "I need to sort some things out. You can take my car, John. Take it home." Alex stood up from against the doorway, expecting John to turn around and drive them back to the house, but John just shook his head, tightening his grip on the window ledge. "I'll stay here," John said, sounding like a child trying to bargain for an extra pudding. He sounded years younger and miles away.

" _John,_ " His dad sighed, looking over at Alex, who just shrugged helplessly. "You need to go home. Sleep in a bed. Eat. _You need to go home_." His dad sounded desperate.

"Don't you get it? That house isn't my home! It hasn’t been for four years and now...now I definetly can’t go back." John's dad flinched as his son spun around, his eyes wide and wild. "No. _No_. I...I can't go back there." His voice started rising and his tone flooded with panic. Alex understood, he hasn’t been able to go back to his house when his mother had died, he’d had to get his social worker to go get his stuff, not that he'd had a lot anyway. After his dad had left them, Alex and his mum had never really had any money, Alex had only had like five possessions to take away with him to the various care homes that he spent his childhood in.

"Where are you going to go then?" His dad asked, exasperated. John gulped, before he looked at Alex, his eyes still slightly wet. Alex knew what John was asking. He nodded, smiling softly at John. 

"New York," John said quietly, almost a whisper. "I'm going home with Alex." 

John's dad looked accusingly at Alex, before he turned back to his son, lightly shaking his head. "John...you can't-"

" _Leave_?" Alex's breath hitched at his boyfriend's harsh tone. "Because that's what I'm doing," He said, shaking his head before he looked over at the empty bed one last time. He gulped before he sighed, his shoulders falling, and walked over to Alex, grabbing his hand. Alex smiled gently as he looked up at John.

"Goodbye, father," The words John said sounded like a slamming door, and Alex supposed that they were. John walked out of the room, Alex trailing him, the door shutting behind them. 

Henry was standing in the waiting room, looking at them both as he clenched his phone in his hand so tight that his knuckles were going white. His face was a cast of anger and he was staring straight at John. " _You're_..." Henry said quietly, as he shook his head at John. "You're just gonna run away? _Again_?" He asked, his tone getting increasingly louder and angrier. Alex held his breath and watched as John laughed completely without humour and arched an eyebrow up at his little brother. " _Run_? From what? Run from fucking what, Henry? There isn't anything here anymore. _There isn't anything left_."

"Mary," Henry said, his voice wavering, as tears lined his eyes. 

"Mary has dad. He can look after her."

"You know just as well as I do, that he won't-"

John cut off Henry, shrugging. "Don't fucking _lecture_ me, Henry," John hissed, his eyes turning to slits. " _You_ left aswell." Henry flinched as John continued. "You left, just like me. So don't be a fucking hypocrite. Piss off back to Harvard and leave me alone." John stepped around his brother and made his way out of the waiting room, fists clenched, not looking back.

Alex made to follow him when Henry placed his fist on Alex's chest. "You're just gonna let him leave like that? Abandon his family? Abandon _me?_ "

Alex bit his lips, thinking for a second before he decided to side with John on this one. "And what did  _you_ do for John?" Alex spat, slapping Henry's hand away. "Did you ever call John? Ever ask him how he was after your mother died? No. You didn't." Henry's face turned into a sneer but Alex continued talking, looking down at him, narrowing his eyes. "The only people that did was Martha and James. And now they're gone."

" _He didn't try with me either,_ " Henry protested, his tone increasing in volume. "He never asked me how I was!" But Henry didn't sound bitter anymore, he just sounded like a pathetic toddler, he sounded desperate. 

Alex shook his head and lowered his eyebrows at the younger boy. "I don't believe that. Not for a fucking second," He shrugged. Henry snarled but Alex was already walking away.

"Your boyfriend is a fucking coward!" Henry shouted after him. Alex turned his head slightly and clenched his jaw but he didn't say anything. He knew Henry wasn't thinking straight. Two of his siblings had died, he was angry at everything and would say anything he thought would rile him. But Alex just shook his head lightly before he faced away, and walked out, leaving Henry angrily crying in the waiting room.

John talked for the first time since the hospital when they were on the plane. Alex was looking out of the window, head against the wall when John spoke. "You think I'm a dick," He muttered as he looked at Alex, his eyes drained and stale. Alex shook his head and found John's hand, squeezing it. "I'll never think that."

"I shouldn't have left." John sighed, his head falling against the seat. Alex didn’t say anything to that, just bit his lip. John sighed out deeply and let his head fall onto Alex's shoulder as he traced his fingers along Alex's hand. "They're really gone," John muttered, his eyes watering. "They're _dead,_ " He said for the first time.

Alex pushed his face into John's hair and he just nodded. "I'm sorry."

"So am I," John breathed as he turned his head, looked past Alex and watched the clouds move slowly, out of the window. Alex's breathing hitched as he remembered what they were going back to. They both haven't been to school in a month. Alex was pretty sure that he would be fine, and John probably would be too, if John went back to school. He needed to go back to class. He needed to start living again. And Alex would do anything to help his boyfriend. Because John was the only thing that mattered.

His beautiful, broken John. John, who had freckles all over his body. John, who had lost everything. John, who's smile could stop Alex's heart. John with his tooth gap and scars. John, who Alex loved with every single part of him. His John. Alex shut his eyes as he breathed out, squeezing John's hand. How could this be happening? How was this fair in any way fucking possible?

"I really like you and I love you," Alex murmured into John's hair, but his boyfriend had already fallen asleep on his shoulder, still clinging onto Alex's hand. He was holding on so tight, as if he was scared that he would wake up and Alexander would be gone too. But Alex wasn't going anywhere, because he loved John too much. Alex was pretty sure if he left, it would kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was so long guys x


	30. The World Still Spins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm going to get some more of those tiny tuna sandwiches."
> 
> Everyone attends a funeral.

JOHN

They arrived back at John and Laf's apartment at ten in the evening. They walked up the stairs, John clutching Alex's hand, the feeling of guilt stabbing him over and over again in his gut.

He shouldn't have left. But he  _couldn't_  stay there, he couldn't go back to that house. It would've destroyed him.

At the airport, John had gotten a call from Mary. He'd stared down at the screen blankly, his jaw clenched and his finger hovering above the decline button before Alex had lightly taken the phone out of his hand and picked up, placing the phone to his ear, as he'd smiled softly down at John. He had watched as Alex had glanced away and muttered into the phone, but John hadn't heard what he'd said.

Everything had become a blur since James had died. Too many noises at once, too many colours splashed on the canvas, resulting in a shitty fucking mess. It had been like living in a slow motion car crash. Like he had been drowning for a whole damn month, grasping for air. It had felt like he'd been screaming at the top of his lungs for a month, like everything and everyone around him had been shouting and howling and roaring so loudly he couldn't hear anything. Like everything had been happening all at once. But then, when Martha had taken her last breath, everything had suddenly stopped. The screaming had ceased instantly. The colours had all bleached and faded, and it had been like John had been floating; not taking anything in or registering his surroundings.

Alex had clenched his jaw and said one more thing into the phone, before he sighed and hung up, handing John back his phone. He'd told John that Mary had been calling about James and Martha's funeral. John had just nodded, and faced away. He didn't let himself think about James and Martha. He'd just sat emotionlessly on the chair in the airport, watching families and couples and people on their own wheel their suitcases around. He had watched a girl come off of a plane, dragging two suitcases behind her. She was pretty; long blonde hair, bright blue eyes. John had watched as the girl had stood on her toes, and craned her neck as if looking for someone. John had watched as she'd let out a small laugh and dropped her bags. He'd watched as she'd ran into the arms of a tall guy, watched as he'd lifted her up and spun her around, clutching her as if he never wanted to let her go. John watched as she laughed and pushed her lips against his.

John had watched as a child had fallen over and scraped his knee before he'd started screaming for his dad. John had watched as a couple of teenagers had walked past, arms linked and faces smiling. John had watched as life had continued without Martha and James. 

When they reached the top landing, John paused slightly on the last step. Alex turned to face him and arched an eyebrow before he squeezed John's hand. "I..." John started, before he trailed off. He didn't know why he was pausing, or what he wanted to say in the first place. He just looked down at Alex and tried a faint smile. "We're home now." Alex said gently. The tips of John's mouth curled up and Alex grinned when he saw him smile. He pulled John into a hug, wrapping his arms around his neck and burying his head in his face. John sighed and leaned into Alex. His Alex. His incredible Alex. Alex, who never lost a debate. Alex, with his bright eyes. Alex, with his wit.

Alex was amazing.

John didn't think there was anyone in the world that was as good or as kind hearted as Alex. He'd stayed with John for the whole month, been by his side the whole time. And John knew it must have been hard for Alex to be there, in the hospital. Especially with John's family. 

"Thank you," John whispered furiously into Alex's dark hair. "Thank you." He let Alex hold him as he breathed raggedly.

"Always," Alex murmured. "Always and always and always." 

"I really like you and I love you," John muttered into Alex's hair.

"I really like you and I love you," Alex repeated, slowly pulling away before he ran his knuckles down John's jaw, smiling softly up at him. "Let's go in?" He asked gently. John nodded and let Alex lead him by his hand into the apartment. As soon as they stepped into the door, Laf was instantly in front of them. "Hi," John managed before Laf had wrapped him in a massive bear hug, pulling him in tight.

"I'm sorry, John," Lafayette said, his eyebrows furrowed. John just smiled faintly up at Laf, happy to see his friend. He didn't say anything back, because what was there to say? "Hey Alex," Laf nodded to John's boyfriend who was standing behind John. "Hi Laf. Good to see you." 

Laf took a step back, letting Alex and John inside. John looked around, chewing on his lip. Everything was the same, but everything was also different. There were still empty pizza boxes and beer cans hanging out of the garbage. Laf's plants on the kitchen island were still green. The empty bottle of Pringles that had been on top of the fridge since last year was still there. John glanced into the living room, nothing had changed there either. The blanket Eliza had given Laf for his birthday was still thrown over one of the sofas. Alex's books were still on top of the coffee table. The light in the living room was flickering, still broken. Everything was the same. John didn't know if that made him feel relieved or sick. 

"I think I'm going to go to bed," John said, sighing as he turned back around to Laf and Alex. They both shared a look of concern before they turned to face John; Alex looking worried and Laf biting his lip. 

"John..." Alex said softly, taking a step towards him. 

"I'm fine," John shrugged. "I'm just tired." Alex looked like he wanted to argue but John probably looked pathetic because his boyfriend just pushed his tongue into his cheek and nodded. John sighed and slowly walked to his room, feeling like he had stones tied to his ankles. He only let the tears stream down his face once he'd shut the door tightly behind him.

ALEX

"He's not talking," Alex said as he fell onto the sofa next to Laf. He leaned back and and picked up the remote, aimlessly flicking through different channels.

"He said he was just tired. Maybe he genuinely is," Laf said as he tied his hair up, looking down at Alex. Laf looked the same, Alex had been worried that they'd come back to New York and all of their friends would be...different. He knew now that that had been a stupid thought. Laf was exactly the same. Same vintage, probably over priced, t-shirt, same rolled up jeans, same dark lion's mane, same dark brown, smirking eyes. Same Lafayette. 

"He definitely is tired," Alex said, sighing. "He's only slept for like...ten fucking hours this whole month." Laf sighed and ran a tired hand through his hair. 

"I can't believe that this happened to him." Laf scratched the back of his neck, his face falling. Alex nodded in agreement.

"The funeral's in three days. They're having a joint one, Martha and James. Well, a joint service. James was cremated when he...when he died," Alex said softly, trying to blink away the tears that were threatening to fall. "John would probably appreciate it...if we all went." Laf nodded and smiled faintly. 

"Of course. Me and Herc'll be there."

"We should ask Eliza, Angelica and Peggy too," Alex suggested, biting the inside of his cheek. Laf just nodded before he picked up his phone.

"I'm gonna call Herc. And the Schuylers," Laf told Alex as he pushed himself up off of the sofa and walked into the kitchen. Alex sat on the sofa, drumming his fingers on the armrest for a minute, letting himself breathe. He had no fucking clue what he was going to do. How could he help John? He was useless. All he could do was stand by him helplessly. He sighed deeply before he stood up, stretched his arms out and yawned. He was so fucking tired, but he wasn't going to shut his eyes until John was asleep. He made his way over to his boyfriend's room, hand on the doorknob when he heard a sniffling sound coming from inside. His heart clenched and he gulped before he went to open the door, when Laf called his name. 

"Yeah?" He asked, turning slightly to see Laf holding his phone to his ear.

"You have an essay for Wednesday."

"But that's in two days!" Alex protested. Laf just shrugged, as if to say it wasn't his fault. "For what?" He prayed to God it wasn't for Political Sciences. Because if it was then John would have to do it too. And he knew John wasn't up for writing an essay.

Laf squeezed his eyes shut, as if he was thinking really hard, before he suddenly opened them and said, "American Studies. Eliza told me to tell you."

"I'll start it tomorrow. I left my laptop at my dorm," Alex dismissed it. He couldn't hear any noise coming from John's room anymore.

" _Alex,_ " Laf said, his tone slightly exacting. "You can't fail this class."

Alex turned around fully, letting go of the handle to face Laf. "I won't _fail_. I _don't_ fail, Laf," He said, eyebrows arched, _daring_ Laf to argue with him. They both knew who was going to win the argument. Laf sighed and leaned against the wall, his hair falling in his face. "Alex. It's _ten thousand_  words." Alex ran his tongue over his teeth, that _was quite_ a lot. But he'd written longer in a shorter amount of time before. He could do it later.

"I can do it tomorrow," Alex said, his tone determined.

" _Mon ami,_ " Laf shook his head. "This is important. _Really_ important." Alex bristled and clenched his jaw. Nothing was important anymore. The only thing that was important, the only thing that mattered was John. That was what Alex's world was revolving around now. "This is more important to me. _John is more important,_ " Alex said, his tone increasing in volume.

"I'm not saying he isn't, but Alex, _mon ami_ , you're on a scholarship. You can't fail. You'll be _kicked out_." 

Alex just shrugged and shook his head, his hair falling out of it's tie and into his face. "I don't care." Laf rolled his eyes and took a step closer to Alex as he opened his mouth to say something, but he was interrupted by John's door opening. They both turned to see John standing there, his cheeks wet and his curly hair a mess. He looked at both of them before he cocked his head at his boyfriend. "Go get your laptop, Alex." 

"No. I can do it-"

"Go. Get your. Laptop. Alex," John repeated, arching an eyebrow. "I can look after myself." Alex frowned at that, but he knew John didn't mean it. He wasn't thinking straight. 

"No. It's fine," Alex said again, reaching out with his hand, but his boyfriend recoiled and narrowed his eyes at him, and clenched his jaw. 

"I'm not a child, Hamilton," John said. 

"I just wanted to-"

"You don't understand," John said, shaking his head. Alex stiffened, confused as to what he'd done. He was vaguely aware of Lafayette slipping into his room and shutting the door behind him. "They're fucking dead!" John was yelling in a whisper, each word driving the point of a dagger into Alex's chest, then his stomach, his head. Lethal words. Unfair words.

"I don't. _Understand_?" Alex said, raising an eyebrow. "I don't fucking understand?" Alex cracked up, tearfully. His chest started to hurt, his lungs unaccepting of the still, poison air. "My mum died too, Laurens. She's dead. Fucking dead. Just like yours. My dad left us. I saw my cousin, lying dead on the fucking ground. So don't say that I. Don't. Understand!" Alex cracked, shaking. John didn't say anything else for a while, just stared at Alex, his mouth open.

"Leave me alone," John said through gritted teeth as tears started to fall down his face. Alex shook his head, not believing what John was saying. "Please," John said, voice breaking.

Alex took a step back, before he stumbled down the hall and fell onto the sofa in the living room. He pulled Eliza's blanket over him and let his tears fall, cling to his jaw. He hadn't meant to say any of that, hadn't meant to say that to John, but he'd just snapped.

John was hurt. He was alone and he was breaking and he was in shock, and Alex knew that in his heart. But the knowledge of that wasn't helping ease the deadly sting of John turning away from his touch. Alex wiped his tears away, desperately trying to stop the flow of tears. John's younger siblings had just died. He wasn't being rational. He hadn't meant it. He wasn't okay.

But neither was Alex. He didn't have any family to lose anymore. The only thing he cared about was John, but now he'd lost him too. He squeezed his eyes shut and let himself cry, silently, the way he had when he'd seen his cousin. The way he had cried when he'd seen his cousin's blood, all over the floor. Alex had tried to push his hands against the wound on his cousin, but he'd already gone. That was how he felt then, the wound John had shoved through his chest was bleeding everywhere, and he was helpless to stop it. Alex screamed into his hands in frustration, before shoving the heels of his hands into his eyes.

Then Alex heard tears that weren’t his, and a soft touch on his shoulder. He looked up, sniffing and holding his breath when he saw John practically falling onto him. "I'm sorry," John whispered. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," He cried into Alex's neck. Alex sighed and breathed out, before he wrapped his arms around John and pulled him in close. John’s tears fell even harder at that, as he leaned his head into Alex.

“You said I don’t understand,” Alex murmured, tightening his hold around John.

John shook his head and pulled away so Alex could see his face, meeting Alex’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m so fucking stupid, Alex. I don’t know why I said it.”

“You told me to leave,” Alex whispered, his voice was shaking, and it surprised himself. John shuddered and placed his hand on Alex’s neck, shaking his head as he bit back a sob.

“I shouldn’t have, Alex. Please. Please, I didn’t mean it. I’m fucked up. I didn’t...I don’t. Please. Please, Alex. I can’t lose you too. I love you Alex, I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you.” 

Alex shook his head and pulled John closer, his own tears subsiding. “You’re not going to, John. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

JOHN

The funeral was all black clothes and white waxy faces; most of them accompanied with red and puffy eyes. 

The sun had been shining brightly through the church windows, illuminating the flowers and making them appear to be glowing. The summer day was offensively golden and radiant, as if the whole fucking world was showing John how the earth would continue to spin without James and Martha. John had walked through the church like a silhouette of himself, wishing he really was as insubstantial as his shadow so that his insides might not feel so twisted. He'd walked next to Mary and Henry, unable to look them in the eye. For a second, he'd panicked and wanted to turn around and run out, but when he'd seen them, in the third pew, John's heart had steady to a normal pace. They had all been there. They must've all gotten a flight over together after John had left.

Lafayette and Hercules. The Schuyler sisters. And his Alex. 

Laf, Herc and Alex were all wearing black suits and solemn faces, John had never seen them so serious looking. Laf and Alex had both tied their hair back, and Alex had shaved. It made him look years younger. Eliza had been sitting next to Alex, tears lining her brown eyes. Angelica had been next to her, and John had seen her clutching Peggy's hand. 

John and his siblings had taken their seats in the first pew beside their father, and the service had begun. There had been hymns, and people talking, then more hymns, but John hadn't been listening. He had spent the whole time looking down at the pictures of Martha and James on the cover of the funeral programme. He'd ran his fingers over them, taking in his sibling's smiles. Then it had been over and John had stood up, and followed his family, gripping the programme in his hand.

Then he’d had to talk to people about Martha and James. Had to watch girls that John only vaguely remembered, cry and hold each other’s hands as they looked at the programme. Had to smile and thank people when they offered their consolidations. Had to watch and stand quietly when he saw Jake, at the back of the room, his tears watering. Had to let himself be hugged by old high school classmates, people he hadn’t even liked back then. 

Now, John was standing against a wall next to Alex, he’d escaped the responsibilities of the older brother left behind. As soon as he'd seen his boyfriend, John had grabbed his hand, and he hadn't let go. Alex just stood silently next to him, running his fingers down John's knuckles. The reception was being held at John's old house. John had arrived with his family first, but he'd refused to enter until Alex had gotten there. Funnily enough, Alex and their friends had arrived last. Flat tire. 

Peggy had flung open the door of the taxi and ran over to John, who had been sitting on the steps of the porch, heavy head in his hands. She had sat down next to him and pulled him into a hug, her tears falling into John's hair. "It's good to see your face, John," She'd sniffed, pulling away and running a hand down his face. John hadn't seen Peggy since he'd left for South Carolina a month ago, but it had been nice to see her. She looked beautiful. Hair in a plait, big brown eyes, cheeks wet, short black dress accompanied with black converse. 

John scanned the room, looking for where Peggy was now. She was sitting next to Angelica at a table, her eyes still wet with tears. Eliza was with them too, but she was standing up and making her way over to the piano in the middle of the room. No one in John's family played piano, the only person who had been able to was his mother, and their father hadn't wanted to get rid of it. She’d loved that thing. When John had been a toddler, his mother would sit him on the top and he’d clap and laugh as she played. Eliza sat down at the grand piano, flicking her long dark hair over her shoulders as she placed her hands elegantly on the keys. 

Everyone in the room was silent as Eliza played. Alex's eyes were fixed on her, wide and full of awe. Peggy and Angelica were smiling softly, Angelica's hand on her youngest sister's shoulder. Laf and Herc made their way over to Alex and John, and stood next to them, silent, and the four of them listened to Eliza. She'd shut her eyes lightly and her fingers were trailing the keys, her head slowly moving as she played. The piece was beautiful and sad and moving all at the same time. When it was over, Eliza stood, her long black dress swaying around her legs. She smiled faintly over at John, who nodded at her, before she made her way back to her sisters who pulled her into a hug.

"That was beautiful," John said, smiling when Eliza, Peggy and Angelica walked over to them. 

"Thank you, John," Eliza had smiled softly, lightly bowing her head. Then no one said anything, and the air was still and silent. John looked around at his friends. Peggy, Eliza and Angelica were gazing nervously at each other, Herc and Laf were just looking down at the floor and Alex was staring at John, his face a cast of worry. John sighed deeply before he ran a tired hand through his hair. All day they'd been walking around him on their toes. All day, John had had to nod and thank random people that had come up to him and apologised for his loss. All day, he'd had to talk to members of his family that he had completely forgotten about.

He didn't want his fiends to treat him like he was glass. "What?" He asked, arching an eyebrow at his friends. When they didn't say anything, John sighed and rolled his eyes. "You guys need to stop treating me like I'm some injured puppy, okay?" None of them said anything. " _Okay_?" He asked again, and his friends all nodded and smiled softly up at him.

"I'm going to get some more of those tiny tuna sandwiches," Herc muttered as he pushed himself off of the wall and started to walk towards the buffet table.

“Wait for me, _mon ami,_ ” Laf said as he followed him, slinging an arm around Herc's and pulling him in close. Peggy, Angelica and Eliza also excused themselves and made their way back to the table they'd been sitting at. It was just Alex and John left. John bit the inside of his cheek before he looked down at Alex and squeezed his hand. "I didn't mean to sound like a dick-" John started, but Alex interrupted him.

"You're not a dick," Alex said, furrowing his eyebrows. “You’re amazing and gorgeous and incredible and smart.” Alex blushed slightly, glancing away. John smiled and squeezed his boyfriend’s hand.

"I just can't deal with you guys, my friends, acting weird around me. It doesn't mean I'm not thankful for what you've all done. Especially you, Alex,” John said, smiling down at Alex, who grinned up at him.

"I know. It's fine, I get it," He paused before he said, "I really like you and I love you, Alexander Hamilton."

"I really like you and I love you, John Laurens," Alex said, leaning his head on John's shoulder as he started humming.

John knew that starting to live again would be shit at first, and it would be hard. But as long as he had Alex, he knew he could do it.


	31. Two Pints of Sam Adams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "MASSIVE FIESTA SLASH RAVE SLASH PARTY AT MINE! CELEBRATE PASSING YOUR EXAMS, CELEBRATE FAILING YOUR EXAMS, CELEBRATE FUCKING LIVING!"
> 
> Everyone gets drunk.

ALEX

John was slowly becoming John again. 

He'd started going back to his classes straight after the funeral, adamant that he was going to pass all of his classes. He'd stayed up late with Alex, scanning his books as he bit the end of his pencils, scratching down notes and getting Alex to test him for hours straight. Alex had been hesitant at first, scared of what might happen to John if he didn't ease into his life again. But John didn't ease into anything, he always dived head first. He did pass all of his classes, with flying colours, of course. Alex had always had complete and utter faith in him. 

They'd all been in The Grind when they'd gotten their marks sent to them. Alex had been pacing, his fifth coffee shaking in his hand. "What if I fail?" He'd asked Laf as he'd forced himself to sit down and keep his hands still. Laf had just rolled his eyes and leaned into the sofa, putting his feet on the coffee table. "You won't fail, _mon ami_. _You don't fail, remember_?" Laf had quoted Alex back to him. Alex had narrowed his eyes and lightly shoved Laf, who had been too busy laughing to notice Herc and John walk in. "Why aren't you worried?" Alex had asked, trying not to obsessively check his phone.

Laf had just shrugged nonchalantly before he'd smirked up at Alex. "Cause, _mon ami_ , I got this." John had snorted as he'd sat down next to Alex, leaning his arm on the back of the sofa. Alex had raised an eyebrow and Laf had sighed. "More like, he _seduced_ all of his professors into giving him good marks." Alex had pursed his lips, trying to no avail to hide his smirk. 

"I did no such thing," Laf had remarked, his nose crinkled at John as he'd grabbed the muffin out of his hand and started eating it. John had started to protest but just rolled his eyes when Laf had shoved up his middle finger.

"It's unhealthy to eat after seven." They'd turned to see Eliza standing behind them, hands on the back of the sofa as she cocked her head at Laf, smiling down at them. 

"Well," Alex had said, picking a bit of the muffin off and eating it. "Thankfully time is practically an illusion." Eliza had huffed in amusement as she'd had sat down on the chair next to him, her legs in a basket. John had laughed, and rolled his eyes at Alex as he'd started to play with his hair.

"Literally, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Laf had said compassionately, furrowing his eyebrows at Alex, as he kept eating John's muffin.

"Where's Hercules?" Eliza had asked, curling her long dark hair around her finger as she'd looked around. Alex had felt John laugh before he'd wrapped his arm around Alex.

"Why don't you ask Gilbert?" John had asked, a smirk on his face. Colour had bloomed on Laf's face and he'd started to stutter and shake his head, dropping the muffin onto the sofa. To which Alex had picked it up and handed it to John, who had smirked.

"Why would I ask him?" Eliza had asked John, a seemingly innocent smile on her face as she'd gazed sideways at Laf. Laf had opened his mouth before shutting it, then opening it again before he'd shaken his head and clenched his jaw.

"I-"

"Yeah, why should we ask you, Laf?" Alex had smirked, running a tongue over his teeth. Laf had groaned before he'd stood up and muttered something about needing some fucking caffeine. "What was that about?" Alex had turned to face his boyfriend, flicking John's temple. "I mean, c'mon guys," John had said, eyebrow arched as he'd looked at Eliza and Alex. "Can you not feel the tension in the room when they're both together?" Alex had stared blankly, he _hadn't_ noticed but Eliza had nodded and smiled gently. "Yeah. They definitely like each other."

"Who likes each other?" Alex had tipped his head back to see Hercules standing above them, looking at them suspiciously. Eliza and Alex had blushed when Herc had sat down, arching an eyebrow. 

"Uh. No one," Eliza had quickly said and Alex had nodded in agreement.

"Actually-" John had started, but Alex had elbowed him and John had grunted in pain before wincing up at Herc and saying, "No one. No one likes anyone."

Herc had narrowed his eyes suspiciously and had looked like he'd wanted to talk more when Laf had come back, followed by Peggy. "Hi guys," Peggy had grinned, sitting on the arm of Eliza's chair. "Have your results come back yet?" Alex had groaned and buried his face in his hands, biting on his bottom lip. He hadn't been in class for a month, what if he'd tanked the exams? What if he'd written the wrong things? What if he failed and Adams revoked his internship? "My life is gonna be so over," He'd muttered into his hands before John had kissed the top of his forehead.

"You'll be fine, babe," John had said, smiling. Alex had tried to smile back but it had turned into more of a grimace. 

" _Babe_?" Laf had asked. "We're using pet names now? What's mine?"

John had shrugged before his lips had twitched upwards. "Disappointment." 

"That is just. _Mean,_ " Laf had pouted, cocking his head down at John. Alex had giggled and watched as Laf had rolled his eyes and sat down next to Hercules, before realising that he had _sat down next to Herc_. Laf's ears had turned red and he'd awkwardly smiled, to which Herc had also smiled, before quickly looking away. Alex had been the only one to see Laf cringe and swear under his breath at himself. Alex had gone to say something, when his, John's, Herc's, Laf's and Eliza's phones had all beeped. They'd all instantly scrambled around. Alex practically leaping off of John to grab his phone from the table. John had pulled his phone out of his pocket and jumped to his feet, shifting his weight from each foot. Herc had pulled his bag onto his lap and unzipped it, swearing and muttering as he'd pulled his phone out and stood up, hands fidgeting. Eliza had squealed and leapt up, running her right hand repeatedly through her hair. Laf had just rolled his eyes and pulled his phone out, arching an eyebrow at his screen.

They'd all passed, of course, and very successfully at that. Alex had breathed out a massive sigh of relief before John had wrapped him in a massive hug, lifting him off his feet, spinning him around. Eliza had ran into Herc and he's wrapped his arms around her as they'd both laughed. Alex had again been the only one to notice Laf slightly narrow his eyes at them, before he'd smiled as Eliza had practically jumped on him, wrapping her arms around his neck and squealing. Laf had grinned and stood up before he'd basically shouted in the middle of the fucking coffee shop. "MASSIVE PARTY AT MINE!"

John had arched an eyebrow at Laf and said, "Ours, Laf. Ours, remember? And it's already seven at night."

But Laf had ignored him and just cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted out the open window. "MASSIVE FIESTA SLASH RAVE SLASH PARTY AT MINE! CELEBRATE PASSING YOUR EXAMS, CELEBRATE FAILING YOUR EXAMS, CELEBRATE FUCKING LIVING!"

 

The first thing that Alex noticed when he walked onto Laf and John's street was that there were a lot more cars parked on the street than normal. The sheer number of people that are there became clearer as Alex climbed the stairs; walking past a number of couples sucking on each others faces, a group of boys that smelled like a distillery, and countless girls in short dresses and heels. Alex smirked when he got to the top landing, the door was hanging wide open and the music was pounding. Alex decided there and then that he was going to enjoy this party. 

He took a deep breath in and exhaled, before he muttered excuse me to the couple hanging out of the doorway, inching past them when they didn't move. He was instantly greeted with the smell of sweat and perfume, mixed in with pizza and beer. "Alexander!" Alex turned to see Herc, grinning down at him, beer in his hand.

"Hi," Alex smiled, laughing as Herc stumbled slightly as he pulled at the beanie on his head. "Why are you wearing a hat?" Alex asked. "It's summer. And we're inside."

Herc just shrugged and hiccuped before he grabbed a red cup from the kitchen island behind him and shoved it into Alex's chest. "No more school, my dear fucking friend! Raise a glass to FREEDOM!" Alex laughed in awe as everyone in the kitchen sloppily raised their cups and all shouting, freedom, at different times. "How are there this many people here?" Alex laughed as he followed Herc deeper into the sea of people laughing, drinking and dancing. "Put it online," Herc shrugged, not even noticing as some of his beer sloshed out of his cup. "John and Laf are over there," He said, hiccuping, gesturing with his hand into the middle of the room, not really pointing anywhere in particular. Alex rolled his eyes and turned to ask Herc where exactly, but his friend had disappeared. He sighed and chugged the drink Herc had given to him before he rolled his shoulders back and walked into the sea of people. He wandered around aimlessly, laughing and talking to people he'd never met before, until he felt a tap on his shoulder. He spun to see Eliza standing behind him, smiling.

"H-Hi," Alex hiccuped before he laughed. Eliza giggled and arched an eyebrow at Alex.

"How much have you had to drink?" 

" _How much have you had to drink_?" Alex repeated, crossing his arms.

" _None_. Designated driver," Eliza rolled her eyes, but Alex saw the slight smile on her lips. Eliza had nice lips. They were plump and pink.

"Eliza..." Alex thought he said, but maybe he didn't. He couldn't really tell what he was saying, there were so many colours and voices and things to see. He was definitely a lightweight, he decided as he shook his head, trying to shake the drunkenness out of himself. John was always saying that Alex was a lightweight; he always got hammered after only one beer, while it took John, Laf and Herc like ten. John. _John_. 

Alex suddenly felt like someone had slapped him, and he looked up at Eliza with new eyes. She was definitely pretty, but she didn't have constellations on her face or a gap in her pearly white teeth. He blinked, then blinked again, and a couple more times, just to be sure, and suddenly Eliza's lips didn't look like an angel's anymore. They were just normal lips, not John's lips.

"I think I'm drunk," Alex admitted as Eliza looped her arm around his.

"You are such an idiot," Eliza laughed as she hitched up her skirt. She was wearing a short white skirt, and a light blue shirt, her hair in a half up, half down hairstyle. 

"If by idiot, you mean sexy and incredibly sauve. Then yes, I am sexy and incredibly sauve,” Alex said, eyebrow arched as he let Eliza lead him through the crowd. 

"John seems to think so," She murmured, and if Alex hadn't been so inebriated he would've caught the jealous glint in her tone. " _Speaking of Laurens,_ " She smiled, the green shine in her eyes vanished, "He's up there," Alex followed Eliza's pointed finger to see John and Laf on the table, dancing. John was a good dancer, Laf not so much. John was moving rhythmically, twirling a bottle of Samuel Adams in his index finger. He was laughing, that _fucking gap_ in his teeth sparkling, and it made Alex's heart flutter. John spotted Alex and grinned brightly, before holding out the hand, that wasn't swinging the bottle of lager, to Alex. 

"Alexander fucking Hamilton," John smirked as Alex stood on the table next to him, before he brushed his lips against Alex's, slightly stumbling on the table.

"John Lau-Laurens," Alex hiccuped. John let out a snort as he slung his arm around Alex.

"You're drunk."

" _You're drunk_."

"No, I'm not," John protested, the corner of his mouth turned up. "Only had two," Then he cocked his head and added, "Working on three." Alex giggled and let John and Lafayette twirl him around on the table. Laf was speaking rapidly in french, Alex only catching some of it over the music, Laf’s accent becoming more and more prominent with each sip of alcohol he takes.

The party started going faster the more Alex drank. The more he danced. The more he kissed John. The more he laughed. There were so many people, all equally happy as they laughed and danced like the world was ending. Somehow, Laf, John and Alex had all clambered off of the table and were all now jumping up and down in the living room, which had been turned into a temporary dance floor. Peggy, Angelica, Herc and somehow Burr had all joined them, and they were all dancing messily and badly. The music was great, one of Lafayette's many playlists was playing and Alex was pretty sure that this one was called, **Laf's Ultimate Play _lit._**  The songs kept coming, great one after another, each new song pumping everyone up all over again. 

Alex forgot why he didn't like parties. Parties were the fucking shit. For some reason, he's popular as fuck, with random people coming up to him to clap him on the back, or to offer him another drink. He was sitting on the kitchen island next to John, his legs dangling, not reaching the floor, with a bottle of something that Alex couldn’t remember in his hands. Angelica and some guy were talking to them ( _is his name Phil?_ ), Angelica leaning into ( _Philip?_ ) as she ran her hands through his hair. Philip ( _Phin?_ ) was talking to John and Alex, his words rattling off quickly, and Alex was only picking up a third of what he was saying, and only understanding half of that. Alex just nodded, the smile that hadn't left his face bright, and John laughed from beside him. Angelica giggled and waved goodbye to John and Alex, before she pulled ( _Percy?_ ) back into the sea of people, both of them disappearing. 

It was late. Alex nodded when John said something to him, even though he had no idea what he said, and watched as his boyfriend slipped off of the counter and vanished. He watched from the counter as the party thinned out a little, people leaving in pairs and trios. He watched for a while, as people danced and laughed, as the music raged on. He watched, before he jumped off of the counter and wandered back into the party, laughing when Herc clapped his back. Maria Reynolds turned up, bringing a whole crowd of people into John and Laf's. She was wearing a short red dress, and Alex just smiled when she wrapped her arms around her in what (at the time) had seemed like a friendly gesture.

Warm beer.

Cold beer.

Cold, old pepperoni pizza.

Hot, freshly delivered from Dominos, margarita pizza. 

Kissing John's tooth gap.

Air guitair on the kitchen island with Eliza.

Talking.

John and Herc having a milk chugging contest (straight from the carton)

Staring contest with Laf (Alex won)

Kissing John's moles.

Beer.

Clapping Burr on the back.

Singing.

Laf disappearing and then arriving with a massive chocolate cake.

Eating and sharing said cake with thirty other people; forks and spoons and plastic knives dipping into the cake.

Half of said cake ending up on the bathroom door.

Beer.

Lying on the dining table with Angelica and talking about... _dogs? To Kill A Mockingbird?_

Talking in rapid french with Lafayette, laughing when everyone in the room stared at them, mouths open.

Beer.

Eating cool Doritos, then laughing because did anyone really like cool Doritos?

John telling everyone about Burr’s girlfriend. 

Burr then trying to leave, but Alex blocking the door and forcing him to stay, shoving another drink into his chest.

Burr getting so drunk he told Alex all about his girlfriend, who apparently had a boyfriend already, but who was away in Georgia.

One deep drag of a joint that left Alex coughing.

Belting out Come On Eileen.

Throwing Pringles at Herc when he tried to lift Alex up and throw him over his shoulder.

Watching John dance, laughing, head tipped back.

Some girl turning up with a shit load of McDonalds' fries.

Kissing John's jaw.

Lafayette jumping on a chair and clapping, proclaiming that everyone in the room was _'his fucking family'_

Stealing Herc's beanie and giggling when it fell over his eyes.

Watching episodes of Friends with forty other people.

Kissing John's forehead.

Beer.

Doing the Macarena with Laf and Peggy on the coffee table.

Laughing.

Slow-dancing with John on the balcony.

Watching The Breakfast Club and crying.

Lying on the carpet, holding John's hand in one and Angelica’s hand in the other.

Ballroom dancing with Peggy, spinning her around, and laughing when he dipped her down, her curls going wild.

His hair falling in his face.

Maria dancing with him.

Kissing John's freckles. 

Beer.

Laf and Herc making out in Laf’s room when they didn't think anyone was watching.

John bringing out an actual guitar from somewhere and strumming chords, his eyes shining as he laughed. 

Falling in love with John all over again.

 

Alex passed out on the dining table, when he, Lafayette, John and Herc were the only people left in the flat. He woke up four hours later, his back groaning as he sat up. His mouth tasting salty, and sore, and when he looked down he saw hickeys all over his neck (For fucks sake, John). His head was pounding and everything was lightly swaying. Alex leaned over, and saw John lying on the floor next to the dining table, his hand on his face, his chest rising and falling. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, looking over and seeing Laf and Herc asleep on the sofa, Herc's head in Laf's lap.

There were cans of beer everywhere, and rubbish strewn all over the floor. Alex smiled when he realised that the music was still playing, very faintly from the kitchen. Alex smiled before he elected to leave the music running, and just lay back on the hard table, ignoring the protests of his back as he shut his eyes and fell back asleep.

That was fucking incredible.


	32. I'll Never Forget My Mother's Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The floor's moving. The floor is fucking moving.”
> 
> The group is hungover. Alex and John take a walk.

JOHN

John woke up on the dining room floor, feeling like he’d died, then been run over, then died all over again. His mouth tasted like something very salty had drowned in alcohol and crawled into his mouth, and he was pretty sure that was how he probably smelled aswell. He tried to sit up, but his arms were moving too slow and the bright light was making his head pound. “ _Fuck,_ ” John muttured as he pushed himself up and sat against the dining table, leaning his head back. He squinted when he realised that the whole apartment was spinning and tilting simultaneously. “Alex?” John croaked, his mouth feeling dried up.

“Laurens?” 

Alex sounded as shit as John felt. He turned around slowly and tipped his head up to see Alex lying, cheek down, on the table, wincing down at John. “What is. _Happening_?” Alex asked, groaning, voice raspy. 

“It’s a hangover, _mon ami_.” 

John squinted into the threshold to see a blurry outline, and it was only because of the high curly bun that John realised it was Laf. He came into better focus as he walked over to John and Alex. He wasn't wearing last night's clothes, but was wearing new, fresh clothes, and he didn't smell like a distillery. Laf didn't look like he'd been taking shots, making out with people and dancing a couple of hours ago.

“The floor's moving. The floor is _fucking moving,_ ” Alex groaned as he pushed himself up and sat up straight on the table, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. "I-" Alex started, before he shoved his hand over his mouth and practically jumped off of the table, sprinting out of the room. When he heard a faint retching sound, John had figured that he had ran to the bathroom. 

" _God,_ " John sighed as he watched as the blurry Lafayette bend down next to him. 

"Don't drink it if you can't take it," Lafayette smirked, his voice doubling in volume as he sat down next to John, not helping with his headache whatsoever. "How much did you drink anyway?" Laf asked, eyebrow raised as he pressed the back of his hand to John's boiling forehead. Laf's hand was cold, and John sighed as he leaned into it, evading the question. "Can't remember," John muttered under his breath.

Laf snorted and hit John over the head with a discarded pillow from the floor. " _Fuck,_ " John swore as his headache bloomed. "Did you _have_ to hit me with that? Was that really fucking necessary?"

John's friend just shrugged. " _Necessary_? Non. _Hilarious_ , oui. Now, how many _drinks_ , Laurens?" He asked again, rolling his eyes.

"Maybe more than I should have had," John said. He genuinely couldn't remember, he'd stopped counting after a couple and had just started taking the drinks people had handed him, red cup after red cup. Then he looked up at Laf, eyebrow arched, and wondered why he wasn't drunk. He'd been at the party aswell. Last night, John hadn't seen Laf without a cup or bottle in his hand. "How much did _you_ drink?" John asked accusingly, crinkling his nose at his friend. "Same as you, maybe more?" Laf answered, stretching his arms out in front of him.

John's mouth fell open, and he grunted, "Then how are you not _dead_?"

"Because, _mon ami Laurens_ , I am not a lightweight," Laf laughed, smirking down at John as he elbowed him and even though he did it lightly, it felt like a million punches at once to John. John opened his mouth to say something, but ended up groaning in pain as his stomach clenched. It felt like a hammer was smashing his gut rededately.

"Is someone punching me?" John asked, his head falling onto his knees, as he groaned. "It feels like someone's punching me. Over and over and over and-"

Laf rolled his eyes and helped John to his feet, holding him up when John's knees failed him and he nearly fell forward onto his face. "Where...where's Herc?" He managed to ask as Laf led him into the kitchen. Fuck, his head hurt. It felt like taking a nail gun to the head every time he spoke, his own voice screaming everything he said back at him a hundred times louder. 

"Asleep in the bathtub," He answered, shrugging as he pulled open a cupboard. John smiled and sighed wishfully when Laf pulled out a box of Advil. He leaned his head on his hands as he watched Laf pour a tall glass of water. 

"Are we going to talk about what happened?" John asked.

Laf didn't turn around but John saw his shoulders raise. "You shoving five boxes of fries down your throat?" John ran a tongue around his teeth, the salty aftertaste in his mouth made sense now. 

"No," John started to shake his head but stopped when bile rose up his throat.

"You exposing Burr and poor Theo?" John snorted as Laf placed the glass of water in front of him. He downed it in one, although most of it ended up on his top. He looked down and saw how much of a state he was in. He had ketchup smeared on his top, and some weird yellow stain on his jeans, and now he had a massive water mark. His hair was falling in his face and he only had one sock on. "I didn't _expose_ them," John protested, sighing in relief when his headache started to ebb away. "And stop trying to change the subject, Laf." 

Laf frowned and folded his arms. "No. I know what you're getting at, Laurens. And the answer is no. We're not going to talk about it," He said through gritted teeth as he slid the Advil over to John.

"But why, Laf?" John asked after he'd taken the medicine. Laf had sighed, tired, and leaned against the counter. 

"'Cause Herc was drunk, John. He was drunk and had no idea what he was doing," John bit his lip, and looked down at the empty glass. He could hear the anxiety and hurt in Laf's voice.

"What about you?" John asked, after a couple of moments of silence. 

Laf looked up, moving his hand away from his face. "What?"

"Were you drunk?" John cocked his head, trying to ignore the constant beat of his headache. "I mean, _I_ was completely hammered, I can barely remember anything. But you're not hungover. So, were you drunk? Or did you know what you were doing when you were doing it?"

Laf blinked at John, before he looked down, biting his lip and scratching his neck. "No, I mean-I was-it doesn't-yeah, of...uh...of course, I was," He stumbled over his words, flustered. "I was drunk too. I didn't know it was happening until..." Laf paused, running his tongue over his teeth. "Until it was over."

John opened his mouth to say something else, tell Laf that it was okay, when Alex stumbled into the kitchen, slumping against the wall. " _Fuck_. I'm never drinking that much. Ever again," Alex groaned and ran a hand through his hair before he noticed the box of Advil in front of John. "Is that-"

John just nodded and lightly threw the box at Alex, who caught it and practically ran to the sink, downing a glass of water. " _God,_ " Alex muttered as he plopped down on the stool next to John. "That was fun, but I mean, I liked our old gig. Pizza and Game of Thrones." John nodded in agreement and Laf just rolled his eyes and muttered lightweights, under his breath. 

"Is there anything to eat?" John smirked when Herc walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes with his hands. He was still wearing that beanie, although it was more hanging off of his head than on. John noticed Laf freeze for a second before he shrugged and pulled open the fridge, sliding a pizza box over to Hercules. "Just cold pizza."

Herc bit his lip, and looked like he was debating whether he actually wanted to eat cold pizza in the morning. Fuck it, he said under his breath as he sat down on the other side of John, pushed the box open and started eating a cold slice of pepperoni pizza. John crinkled his nose in disgust. "That's rank," He remarked, rolling his eyes when Herc just waved the pizza in his face. The smell made him want to belch.

"How the fuck are you _hungry_?" Alex asked, eyebrow arched.

"I threw up, like, _everything_ in my system. Gotta restart, get it all back in there," Herc nodded down at Alex as he carried on ploughing through the pizza. 

Alex just shook his head at Herc and said, "That's...that's not how it works, Hercules."

"Apparently I ate _five_ boxes of fries last night," John said as he stood up, and poured himself another glass of water. 

"I'm pretty sure I did a waltz with Peggy," Alex said, before he furrowed his eyebrows and muttered, " _Angelica? Or Eliza_?"

Herc shook his head as he shut the pizza box and tossed it into the garbage. "I can't remember anything. My memory cuts out right about the time Alex showed up."

Alex laughed and clapped Herc on the back but John just glanced over at Laf, and bit his lip when he saw his friend sigh deeply before he put on a fake smile. "Same. It's all a blur. Can't remember anything. Now, you all need to drink like, fifty glasses of water before I let any of you leave."

 

Alex and John had left the flat an hour ago, and had just been walking around the city since. They had wandered into some park, the trees bright and green, the sun shining brightly as they walked down the gravel path, hand in hand. "This is where I come to think," Alex said, looking up at the sky.

"Really?" John asked, looking around. He had no idea where they were. There were kids running around, flying kites, and licking ice cream and shouting with glee. There were people picnicking on the fields, dogs sniffing in the baskets, and families splitting sandwiches. There were other couples walking hand in hand. Girls in shorts and sundresses, sunglasses galore. Guys carrying speakers and pounding their fists in the air.

"No. I have no fucking clue where we are," Alex laughed, looking up at John, grinning widely. 

"You're so stupid."

"Yeah but you love me."

"I love you."

They walked along a bridge, John pausing in the middle. He leaned on the railings, hands spread, clutching the rail as he leaned slightly forward, sighing when Alex stood next to him. He shut his eyes and bit his lip, feeling the slight summer wind on his face. "What's wrong?" Alex asked, hand on John's elbow. He opened his eyes and watched as the water ran underneath them, and shook his head.

"Nothing. Nothing," He sighed. "I love this. I love you. Loved last night. I love us. I do," John said, looking down at Alex, as he tried a faint smile.

"Then what's wrong?" Alex asked, obviously not convinced. When John didn't answer, his boyfriend pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows. " _John_?"

John gritted his teeth, trying to think of a way to put it in words. Everything he was feeling didn't have words. He couldn't explain it. "I just...I love it. That's...surely I shouldn't be...loving...anything, right now. Not after they've gone," John managed to say, turing away from Alex."It's only been like...a month, and..." John sighed, watching the water run, the light reflecting off of the ripples. "It shouldn't feel right, _right_? Or should it? I shouldn't be having fun, not after..."

Alex stayed quiet, which John found unnerving. Alex was always talking, always has something to say, but now, when John really needed him to talk, he was mute. John stiffened, but didn't pull away when Alex lightly pulled one of John's hands off of the railing and into his own. "It's what they would wanted. They wouldn't want you to stop...living your life, John." When John didn't reply, Alex squeezed his hand. "You know that."

John nodded, sighing deeply. "When we were in South Carolina, for the funeral. There were so many people there, that I didn't know. James and Martha's friends, and classmates. I left, Alex. I left and wasn't part of their lives for two years. And they weren't part of mine," John said, everything spilling out. "They...you never got to meet them. I never got to tell Martha. She never knew about _us,_ " John can feel the tears threatening to spill, and angrily wipes them away, with his clenched fists. 

"I wish I could've met them. They seemed like good people," Alex said softly, brushing his fingers against John's knuckles.

"And, I know it's never going to stop hurting not really. Not ever. Because I still miss my mum. I'll never forget her face. It still hurts, and now, it's worse."

"It'll get easier," was all Alex said, as John leaned against him. "I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I promise you it will."


	33. Say No To This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Au revoir, mon ami. Don't do anything stupid while we're gone."
> 
> Alex fucks up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one night? Whaaaat? 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry in advance x

ALEX

"Bye."

"Bye."

"I really like you and I love you."

"I really like you and I love you."

"Okay, goodbye."

"Bye."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Okay, okay, bye."

"By-"

" _Merde_. Oui, oui, we know. We get it. We're gonna miss our flight, Laurens."

Alex and John both looked up at Laf, eyes narrowed and lips pursed. "Aw. Let 'em say goodbye, Laf. To be young and in love," Herc laughed, lightly elbowing Laf. Alex arched an eyebrow when Laf awkwardly nodded and laughed back, his face slightly pained. Alex turned to see John rolling his eyes at Laf, but before he could ask John about it, his boyfriend was talking at him. His eyes bright and shining, pushing his tongue into his slight gap as he talked. "You're going to call me twice everyday. You're not going to live off of coffee. You're going to sleep. You're going to-"

"Water my plants," Laf cut in, looking at Alex. "You promised, Alexander." Alex rolled his eyes and folded his arms. He had promised, why he had, he didn’t know. Alex regularly forgot to have lunch, he didn’t know how he was going to be able to remember to water Lafayette’s plants. Maybe he could get Herc to do it.

"I will water your plants, Laf. And I'll be fine, John. I'm fully capable of looking after myself for two months," John pursed his lips and arched an eyebrow at Alex, his face painted in doubt. He was fidgeting with his sleeves, pulling his grey jumped down. He was also scuffing his trainers on the floor, clear signs of John’s nerves.

"You need to set your alarms for the morning," John reminded him as they started walking towards the terminal. Laf and Herc were walking ahead of them, Laf turning around a couple of times to make sure they were following them.

"You already did that for me," Alex reminded him. "Eight o'clock every morning. At Washington's office by nine. _I know_."

"Okay. Okay," John said, as if he was trying to convince himself that Alex would be fine. Alex smirked, John worrying about him was pretty cute. John furrowed his eyebrows as he sighed. "I wish you were coming with us," He muttered, his eyes faded, squeezing Alex's hand. Alex rubbed John’s hand in his own, trying to warm them up.

"I know, so do I. But it's only for people actually taking art. And I've got that internship gala thing anyway," John winced slightly as he looked apologetically at Alex. 

"I feel like I'm abandoning you," John frowned, running his tongue over his teeth. Alex smiled, and gave a huff of amusement. John had given up the law internship when he'd got back, leaving Angelica and Alex with Jefferson, Madison and Burr. Alex had missed John at first, but then he'd realised that John had never wanted to be there, had never wanted to be a lawyer. John had to do what made him happy. Even if that wasn’t doing what Alex was doing.

They'd finished the internship, and won the case, but now Alex was being forced to attend some gala as a 'reward'. Yeah, some reward, a gala with smug Jefferson and Madison. Awesome. Wow.

"You haven't abandoned me," Alex tried to smile. "You're just going to Paris for a while. I'll be here when you get back. I'm not going anywhere. Ever." They walked in silence for the rest of the short walk, their inevitable parting looming over them like a dark thunder cloud. When they got to the terminal, Alex said bye to Laf first, clapping his friend on the back. "See you in a bit, Laf. Have fun."

" _Au revoir, mon ami_. Don't do anything stupid while we're gone," Laf winked, his eyes twinkling before he left to go say goodbye to Hercules. Then Alex turned to John, and tried a faint grin at his boyfriend. He wrinkled his forehead when he saw John frown, and look down at the floor, his face crumpling. "Hey," Alex muttered, tracing John's jaw with his knuckles. "Don't."

"Don't what?" John asked, wetting his lips as he arched an eyebrow down at Alex.

"Think. Whatever you're thinking, stop," Alex said. He could always tell when John was thinking too hard, and whenever John though too hard, he sometimes spiralled. 

"I don't think, remember?" John tried to laugh, but his face was still painted in worry. Alex raised an eyebrow at John. "I'm just thinking, now it's really goodbye," John said softly, gripping Alex's hand extremely tightly, as if he didn't want to ever let go. Alex shook his head lightly, smiling up at John. John and his freckles. John and his tooth gap. John and his curls. John, his John. "Let's not say goodbye. Because it's not. I'll see you soon," Alex breathed, gazing into John's bright green eyes.

"See you soon," John nodded, throwing Alex a sidesmirk that made Alex’s knees go weak, but he still didn't let go of Alex's hand. "I love you, Alexander Hamilton," He breathed, pushing a lock of Alex's dark hair behind his ear.

Alex grinned widely. Every time John said he loved him felt like the first time. It made his heart flutter and leap. Alex was pretty sure that one day, his heart might actually stop when John Laurens said I love you.

"I love you, John Laurens," Alex whispered as he wrapped his arms around John's neck, burying his face in John’s neck. "I really love you. So don't go running off with some french guy." John managed a laugh as Alex raised a hand to the back of John's neck, tracing his moles for the last time in a while. 

"French guys are annoying, and not as good looking as American guys." They pulled apart when Laf and Herc walked over. 

"What's this about French guys?" Laf asked, wiggling an eyebrow. Alex rolled his eyes and snorted as he reluctantly pulled away from John, their fingers loosinging and finally falling away from each other’s. "Okay, Laurens. We really need to go now," Laf said, looking down at the watch on his wrist. John just nodded before he smiled faintly down at Alex, his eyes sparkling and wide. "I love you."

"I love you," Alex said back quietly, watching as Laf linked arms with John, and led him away, both of them pulling their suitcases behind them. He stood still, holding his breath as he watched Laf and his boyfriend disappear into the sea of people wheeling suitcases and talking, walking rapidly, holding coffees and talking into phones.

When John's tawny skin and freckles disappeared, Alex felt his heart stop. He felt like he’d lost something. He told himself he was being stupid, John was just going to be gone for two months and a half, in fucking Paris. Alex sighed and turned to Hercules, just wanting to get the hell out of there. But Herc was just staring into the crowd, his eyes scanning as if he was scared he'd lost Laf and John forever. "Herc?" Alex asked, elbowing his friend, but Herc just kept his eyes trained on the sea of people, the only sign of emotion his throat bobbing. "Hercules," Alex said, going on his toes and snapping his fingers in Herc's face. Herc blinked, then blinked again before he looked down at Alex, red sneaking up on his cheeks. He blinked again, and scratched the back of his neck, before he absently looked back at the crowd.

"Oh. Sorry. I was just...I just zoned out." 

Alex sighed and lightly bumped Herc. "Let's go. We can't stay here until they come back." Alex didn’t add the rest of that sentence, as he thought it, even though I wish we could.

 

Alex stood outside his dorm room, his fists clenched. Debating whether to just turn around and sleep in the corridor. He took a deep breath in and a deep breath out, shutting his eyes shut. He hoped to God that Jefferson wasn't inside. He hadn't been back to his dorm for about a month, he'd been living with John and Laf, but now they were in fucking Paris, and Alex had left his key in the flat, locking himself out. He could go to Herc’s room, but Hercules had an equally annoying roommate, Sam. Alex bit his lip, opened his eyes and pushed the door open quickly, just ripping off the band-aid. He scowled when he saw Jefferson sitting on his bed, reading, and Madison sitting at Jefferson's desk, typing. 

Jefferson dropped his book onto his knees and looked up at Alex, his lip curling. "What are you doing here?" He asked, his tone vaguely curious. Alex rolled his eyes and shut the door behind him, throwing his bag on his bed. Jefferson had cut his hair. It was shorter, the sides trimmed, a mess of curls left on the top. Alex narrowed his eyes at Jefferson, before he gulped. His hair looked nice. Alex’s breath hitched as he spun around quickly, facing the wall. What? No Jefferson’s hair didn’t look nice. It looked shit, because Jefferson was a fucking dick. He squeezed his eyes shut, calming his breathing. He missed John. It had only been a day, and Alex’s heart was already aching.

"I live here," He said simply, taking out his laptop and sitting at his desk, clenching his jaw when Jefferson snorted. 

“No you don’t.” Alex elected to ignore Jefferson and his stupid fucking voice, with his stupid fucking hair and just carried on angrily typing. “I mean, don’t you live with your boyfriend now?”

Alex sighed deeply, before turning around in the chair, shrugging at Jefferson. “Why do you even care?”

Jefferson’s shook his head lightly at Alex and smiled a condescending smile. “Oh I don’t. I just hate sharing a room with you, and since you haven’t been here for like four months, I guess I was hoping you’d moved out.”

Alex didn’t reply, just turned back and stared blankly at his screen. “Where’s Laurens then?” Jefferson asked, and Alex could hear the fucking grin in his tone.

”Uh. France.” Alex spun around, glaring at Madison, who just shrugged and said, “What? He took art, right? They’re in France.” Jefferson snorted.

Alex just sighed and nodded, running a tired hand through his hair before he stood up, picking a random book off of his shelf and opened the door, stepping out. He had to get out, Jefferson with his fucking grins and hair and snorts and taunts and Madison with his typing and presence and voice had started to suffocate Alex.

He went for a walk, desperate for air, ending up in his and John’s secret garden. That was a mistake, it had only made his heart long for John even more, it had stared to physically hurt. He sat in their gazebo, and spent ten minutes carving a J and A into the wood. It was probably vandalism, but Alex didn’t care. After he’d done it, he leaned his head back and breathed, taking in the fresh air. He opened the book, desperate for a distraction from his aching chest. A picture fell out, fluttering down onto the wooden planks.

Alex bend down and picked it up. His breath caught in his throat as he saw his own face laughing up at him. And John’s. He sighed, running his fingers down John’s face before placing the photo in his phone case and picking up the book, leaving the garden, shutting the gate behind him. When he got back to the dorm, Madison was gone and Jefferson was asleep in his bed, his chest rising and falling, his mouth slightly open. Alex gritted his teeth and sat back at his desk, opening his laptop, determined to not let his heart sob that night.

 

The aching in Alex’s heart only grew as the days without John went on. He tried to fill it by working non-stop. Washington had offered him another internship, and Alex had instantly accepting, not even giving it a second thought. He needed the distraction. He needed any distraction. He needed his heart to stop feeling raw.

The fact that John had left his phone in New York wasn’t helping with Alex’s stinging and stabbing chest. The only time Alex could talk to his boyfriend was when Laf remembered to charge his damn phone, which wasn’t very often. Alex savoured the time he got to talk to John, memorised what John said so he could relive their conversations later, hear John’s voice in his head.

John had been gone for three weeks, and Alex had already broken all of his promises. He kept forgetting to eat, and he wasn’t sleeping for more than four hours a day. Herc had taken over watering Laf’s plants, since Alex was basically living at the library now. Hercules kept trying to get Alex to stop, to go out to The Grind with him and eat, but Alex couldn’t. He just kept typing, because as long as he was writing, he wasn’t thinking about John, therefore he wasn’t missing John. _Logic_.

But today, Alex couldn’t shut himself off and hone all of his attention to writing, because he had to go to the stupid fucking gala. He frowned at his reflection and adjusted his tie, trying his best to ignore Jefferson. Alex narrowed his eyes at him in the mirror, but Jefferson just smirked and stood up off of his bed. He was also in a suit, looking a hell of a lot hotter in it than Alex did. No, Jefferson looked shit, Alex told himself as Jefferson pulled open the door, sardonically saluting Alex before he said, “See you at the gala, Hamilton.”

Alex had no idea who Jefferson was taking as he date, but he felt bad for whoever it was. Speaking of dates, Alex swore as he looked down at his phone. He was late to meet Angelica. He shoved his phone in his pocket, grabbed his wallet and ran out of the dorm, quickly locking the door behind him. He ran down the stairs, taking two at a time and sliding across the bottom landing. He smiled and ran a hand through his hair when he saw Angelica standing outside. 

“Hi,” He said, panting slightly.

“Hey,” She grinned. “You ready?” 

Alex nodded and held out his arm to Angelica. “You look beautiful, m’lady,” He said, looking down at her. She rolled her eyes and lightly flicked Alex’s temple, but he caught the blush that flushed her cheeks and neck. She did look beautiful. She was wearing a red dress that fell down to her knees. The dress was lacy and perfectly defined Angelica’s slim figure. Her hair was half up, half down and she had straightened it. Her lips were red and she was smiling. That was the most beautiful thing about Angelica, her smile. Alex thought about John’s smile, and his tooth gap, and it made him want to almost double over in pain.

“You don’t look so bad yourself, Mr Hamilton,” Angelica grinned, her teeth sparkling as her eyes wandered up and down Alex’s suit, his shaved face and his own grin.

“Shall we?” He asked as she linked her slender arm around his.

“It would be my honour.”

 

The gala was the definition of monotonous. Alex had to stand next to Angelica, Burr, Jefferson and Madison for the majority of it, talking to lawyers and scholars. The talking wasn’t so bad, Alex was good at talking, and he could praise and hints of job opportunities. Alex was not good however, at slow dancing. Especially after a couple of glasses of wine, when he was a little bit tipsy and the room was starting to spin. God, he really was a lightweight. 

He spun Angelica slowly around, trying to copy Burr, who was dancing amazingly with Theodosia next to them. But the more Alex tried, the worse he seemed to be getting. “Shit, sorry,” Alex swore when he stood on Angelica’s foot for the sixth time. She laughed lightly and just shook her head. “It’s okay, but I’m going to take a break for a bit.” Alex nodded and was about to say he would join her, he was extremely tired, when someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned to see Maria Lewis smiling up at him, her long, dark eyelashes batting. 

“May I have this dance?” She asked, curtsying. Alex nodded and went into a dancing stance with her, staring to slowly spin her.

“Is the gentleman not meant to ask the lady to dance?” He asked, as Maria’s hands found their way onto his shoulders. 

“I don’t suppose it matters,” She smirked coquettishly up at him, her dark eyes sparkling in the candlelight. 

“I don’t suppose it does,” Alex agreed, his hands on her small waist. “And why are you here, Miss Reynolds?” Alex asked, smirking down at her before he could stop himself.

“Thomas Jefferson asked me to be his date.”

“Oh,” Alex said, biting his lip as Maria’s soft hands started to climb his neck.

“ _Although_... _I_ was waiting for someone else to ask me.” 

“ _Really_?” Alex asked, instantly regretting asking as she smirked up at him. 

“ _Really,_ ” She whispered. Maria was stunning. She was always stunning, but tonight...tonight she looked like art. Her lips were plump and dark, her freckles seemed even more prominent in the soft light. Her hair was curled and over her shoulders, framing her face. Her dark eyes were big and beautiful, twinkiling up at Alex. She was wearing a dark red dress that didn’t cover her shoulders and Alex could see the freckles dusted there and on her collarbone, like literal stardust. She was beautiful. Alex blinked, and glanced away as they danced, John’s face appearing in his mind, but the longer he spend dancing with Maria and her long legs, the harder it was to hear John’s voice in his head. He hadn’t heard it in six days, and it was quickly fading away.

After a while of dancing with Maria, Alex managed to excuse himself, his head starting to throb as he thought about John. He looked for Angelica, but she was dancing with Jefferson, grinning up at him as he smirked down at her, hand on her waist, pulling her close to him as they danced. Jefferson could dance. Of fucking course he could.

Alex sighed and sat down at an empty table, and drank another glass of wine, sighing as he watched Aaron and Theodosia walk past him, laughing and smiling. Burr looked so genuinely happy when he was with Theo. Burr’s arm was around her waist and her arms were around his, her dress blowing as they ran. Alex held his head in his hands. Fuck, he missed John so much. He needed John so much. He’d been working so hard and he just wanted...John. John. John. John. John.

He lifted himself up and ran a hand through his hair, he just needed fresh air. The wine was making him delusional. John would be back from Paris soon enough, then everything would go back to normal again. He’d have John back. He clenched his jaw as he walked through the grand corridors, nodding to different barristers and professors when he passed them.

He paused when Washington walked past him. “Well done, Mr Hamilton. Professor Adams told me you were an excellent leader in the internship. I’m incredibly excited to have you on my team for my internship next month.”

“As am I, sir,” Alex nodded, trying to push the slight tipsyness to the back of his head. 

“I hope you’ve been working hard,” Washington gave a hearty laugh as he clapped Alex’s back. Alex just nodded, head spinning before he said, “Of course, sir.” Washington nodded and excused himself, declaring that he must be getting back to Adams. Alex had smiled but when Washington had turned around the corner and vanished, Alex had groaned and finally found a balcony where he could breath. But he paused in the threshold when he saw Maria there, leaning against the railings, tears falling down her face. Turn the fuck around, Alex told himself. Walk the fuck away, you don’t want to get into something you can’t get yourself out of.

“Maria?” But Alex said her name anyway, betraying himself. She looked up and rapidly wiped away her tears with the heels of her hands. “Alexander,” She smiled, her throat bobbing.

“Are you...uh...okay?” He asked, unsure of what to say. All he was focusing on was how pretty she looked as the moonlight bounced off of her curls. John had completely vanished from his mind.

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m fine,” She said, her voice wavering, smiling a beautiful and perfect smile.

“Are you sure?” He asked as he took a step closer to her. I just want to see if she’s okay, Alex told himself as Maria pushed a curl behind her ear and smiled softly up at him. I mean, I’m just checking to see if she’s fine, that’s just being a nice friend. He told himself. But since when had he counted Maria as a friend? He barely knew her. He knew that she was pretty, and had nice lips. _No_. What was he doing, he had a fucking boyfriend. He loved John. But John wasn’t there, and he missed John so fucking much. He missed John.

“Yeah,” She whispered, glancing sheepishly away as her long eyelashes fluttered. 

Alex had paused, just stared down at Maria, biting his lip, before a flash of John’s face had passed through his mind. What the fuck was he doing? He had to get out of there. Now. He loved John. He didn’t want Maria. He wanted John. He missed John so much.

“Oh. Okay. Well, I should be going then. I’ll see you around, Maria,” He’d said, forcing himself to take a step back. John. John. John. John. John. Get the fuck out! Go away! Walk away! He’d told himself as he’d turned away, shutting his eyes. He almost made it off of the balcony, almost managed to stop it.

Maybe if he hadn’t drunk that night, or maybe if he’d been a decent human being, or maybe even if he’d just fucking listened to himself, it wouldn’t have happened. But it had. When she’d kissed him, he hadn’t said no, he’d just kissed her back, hands in her curls. He missed John, but John was slowly leaving his mind.

“Wait,” Maria had whispered, placing a light and slender hand on Alex’s arm. He’d bit his lip and shuddered, turning slowly around. “Stay,” She’d breathed, leaning up. And Alex had. Because he was a piece of shit. Because he was the fucking worst. Because he missed John so fucking much. _John_.

Go! Go! Go! GO, GO, GO, GO!

He’d been screaming go in his head, yelling at himself to leave as he’d done it; as he’d dipped his head down to meet hers. His lips pushing against Maria’s before the kiss had opened up, and he’d wrapped his arms around her waist as her hands found their way onto his face, kissing each other, her fingers running through his hair.

He was the fucking worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *John Laurens protection team screaming in the distance*


	34. Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maria.”
> 
> Alex fucks up even more.

ALEX

Alex had been sitting at his desk, clenching his jaw, staring absently out of the window and hating himself when Hercules had slammed open the door. Herc raised an eyebrow at Alex, and narrowed his eyes before he turned the light on. Alex blinked at the bright manufactured light, squinting, he'd been sitting in the dark for an hour, scrolling through his texts to John and the guilty feeling in his stomach growing and growing as he’d read every x they’d sent each other. Every I love you, John had written.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Herc asked as he flopped down onto Alex's bed and pulled his beanie off of his head before running his hands through his hair. Ever since the party, Herc had been wearing that infernal hat. Hercules Mulligan was determined like that, or Alex guessed you could also say relentlessly stubborn.

Herc had been letting himself into Alex's dorm room everyday for the past week. Alex was convinced he was doing it not for company, as Herc tried to say, but rather to make sure Alex hadn’t died from malnutrition or fatigue.

Ever since the gala, Alex had tried to shut himself off, not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to fix what he’d broken. What he’d shattered. He'd dismissed the texts from Peggy and Hercules, ignored the missed calls from Eliza and Angelica. The only person he'd answered to was John, but then he'd stopped replying to even him.

The morning after Alex had done what he’d done, his phone had rang. Alex had looked up from his bed, but hadn’t gone to it, had left it ringing as he’d started out of the window. As soon as it had stopped, it had started again, and Alex had sighed and stood up, freezing when he saw Laf’s name on his screen. _John._

He'd picked up at the last moment, pressing his finger against the green button _._ Tears had threatened to fall when he’d heard John’s voice.

John had laughed a faint laugh before he had said, "God, Alex. I thought something had happened. You didn't pick up."

"I was...uh...asleep," Alex had lied, tears streaming down his cheeks as he'd gripped his hair, slumping against his bed, sitting on the floor.

"That's what Laf said." Alex had heard the smile in John’s voice. He’d believed Alex, of course he’d believed Alex. Alex was his boyfriend. Alex had never lied to John before. Why would he doubt him? John didn’t know that Alex had torn their relationship apart yet. "I miss you," John had muttured, his voice silky. Alex’s fave had crumpled and his chest had heaved.

"I miss you too," Alex had whispered, his voice wavering.

"Are you okay, babe? You sound ill," John had asked, tone concerned. Alex's heart had ached even more. He should tell him, Alex though as John waited for an answer. He should just tell him, beg for forgiveness. He didn’t. He just lied again.

"Yeah. I'm fine. I've just...I've got to go. Sorry John, I just have...so much work to do. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” He'd apologised, even though John didn’t know what he was apologising for, hating himself more and more with every word he spoke.

"Oh okay. I love you," John had said, his voice sweet and loving. Alex had gritted his teeth and gulped.

"I've got to go," Alex had meekly repeated, not being able to bring himself to say I love you back, before he'd hung up and thrown his phone across the room. He’d looked down at his shaking hands and pulled his knees against his chest, hugging himself tight.

After a couple of minutes of kissing Maria, he'd pulled away from her, violently shaking his head. "I shouldn't have done that," He'd muttered, his voice cracking as he'd looked down at Maria. She'd blushed and glanced away, biting her red lip. "Why...I...I shouldn't have done that. Why did I do that?" He'd repeated, taking a step back, his whole body shaking. 

Maria had looked up at him from underneath her long eyelashes. "Alex, wait," She'd reached out for him, her arm outstretched, but Alex had already gone, running away and leaving her on the balcony. He'd ran through the streets, undoing his tie as he sprinted, feeling choked, feeling like he was drowning. He'd felt like he'd been about to explode.

He'd ran all the way to his dorm room, knowing that Jefferson would still be at the gala. He'd locked the door, sliding down against it. He'd cried angry and disgusted tears, asking himself why he'd done it over and over again. He'd gritted his teeth, and held his knees to his chest, the salty tears streaming down his face, not stopping. He'd stayed there for about an hour, lightly hitting his head off of the door as he'd sworn at himself.

Herc had shown up the next day, demanding to know why Alex had been ignoring him and asking why Alex had left Angelica stranded at the gala. Alex had tried to shrug it off, and had said, I was working, but Hercules had just narrowed his eyes at him and pushed through the door, not leaving Alex alone.

"Regretting my life choices," Alex muttered now, looking at Herc sitting on his bed, running his hands through his hair.

His friend looked like he wanted to say something serious, ask what was wrong with him, but instead he just shrugged and asked, "Do you have to do it in the dark? You scared the fuck out of me." 

Alex rolled his eyes and folded his arms. "What do you want, Herc?" His tone coming out sharper than he meant.

Herc bit his lip and looked up at Alex, "I want you to tell me what's wrong, Alexander." Alex gritted his teeth before he shrugged and tried to put on a smile.

"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. I just have a lot of work to do, that's all."

Herc narrowed his eyes, obviously unconvinced. "You're sitting in the fucking dark, lights all off, curtains shut, looking like your dog's just died. Don't try and tell me you're _working_." Alex sighed, too tired to fight. Too guilty to fight it anymore. He'd done it. He'd kissed Maria. He had to admit it to himself. He just didn't know if he could admit it to anyone else. But looking at Herc, at his friend’s compassionate and worried face, he debated whether he should just tell him. Maybe it would feel better to tell someone, ease his strained heart and maybe slightly drain the guilt dripping into him. Maybe Herc would have advice, maybe he'd know what to do. Or maybe it would make everything a hundred times worse. Maybe his chest would completely cave in and destroy him from the inside. Maybe Herc would hate him. Maybe his friend would spit at him and never talk to him ever again, tell Laf and John and Eliza and Angelica and Peggy, and Alex would lose everything he loved.

Maybe if he didn't tell anyone, maybe no one would ever find out. But Alex didn't know if he could live with himself if he kept this a secret.

"We're going out," Herc said, rolling onto his back and looking up at the ceiling.

"No. You can go out. I'm not going out," Alex shook his head, his hair falling into his face. “I’m not. Herc, I’m serious.”

"Yes. We are," Herc said, pushing himself off of Alex's bed. "We're going out with Eliza and Angelica." Alex opened his mouth to protest, but Herc cut him off. "Look, Alex. I don't know why you've been shutting yourself up this week. I don't know if it's cause you're missing John." 

At the sound of John's name, Alex's heart smashed furiously against his ribcage, and Alex clenched his fist on his chest, grunting softly in pain. Herc didn't notice and carried on talking. "Or because you're stressed out for Washington's internship, but you need to chill. Like seriously _chill_. You're at like a fifteen, and I need you at like a seven. And if it takes getting you pissed to do that, that's what I'm gonna do," Herc was standing up, arms folded and face scarily determined.

Alex wanted to argue, to shake his head and tell Herc that he wasn't going, but he was so tired, and so guilty and he couldn't be bothered letting someone else down. So, he just nodded, and snorted when Herc grinned widely, and pulled Alex up, dragging him out of his room, talking rapidly about how fun this was going to be. Alex highly doubted it. 

 

He wasn't going to lie, with each drink, the pain started to slide away, and his conscience eased slightly. It was a fine party, not like the last one, not as energetic or lively as the last one. Alex didn't dance, or sing or laugh or even talk. He just leaned against the wall, bottle dangling from his fingers, watching with a fake smile as Eliza, Herc and Angelica danced. He sighed and leaned his head against the wall. He was drunk, he could tell, but it wasn't a happy drunk, or a fun drunk. He was tired and guilty, and the only reason he kept drinking was because with every sip, John's face blurred in his mind. Alex couldn't bare to think about John. Couldn't stand to to hear his voice or to think about touching him or to see him in his mind. He couldn't. He just couldn’t. Every time he thought of John, he was stabbed in the chest by his guilt. He was bleeding out everywhere, and there wasn’t anything he could do to stop it.

Alex watched as Eliza and Angelica joined hands and spun around, giggling. Angelica's dark curls bounced, and Eliza's hair danced. As he swigged at his drink, he wondered what they would say if they found out what he'd done. How he had betrayed John. The dim light was shining off of them, highlighting their features. Angelica’s dark eyes twinkling and Eliza’s smirk glowing. Eliza's skirt flowed and leapt as she spun, her head tipped back with laughter. Angelica’s face was a picture of glee, her hands thrown in the air. Herc was grinning brightly, the light flickering off of his teeth. As Alex watched them, his stomach clenched.

He gritted his jaw and turned, searching wildly for a bathroom. He threw his bottle down on a table as he staggered into the hall, opening a door and sighing with relief when he saw that it was a bathroom. He slammed shut the door and clasped the door locked, before he leaned over the toilet, waiting for himself to throw up. 

When he didn't, he shuffled away and sat against the wall, the tiles cool and soothing against his burning body. He shut his eyes and held his head in his hands, tears silently falling. He was so fucked up. The one person he had, the one person he loved, he'd betrayed. He'd thrown away.

He wiped his tears away with the back of his hands and pushed himself up off of the floor. He looked at his reflection in the mirror until the sight of himself made him sick. He sighed and kept his hand on the doorknob before he pulled it open. He made his way into the main room, and after a couple of minutes of searching for his friends, he found them sitting on a table, Herc and Eliza laughing as they watched Angelica make out with someone.

"Herc, I'm gonna go. Don't feel so good," Alex said, his hands in his pockets. Herc looked up and furrowed an eyebrow before he shrugged.

"I'll come with you," He said, pushing himself off of the table. Alex shook his head and took a step back.

"No. It's fine, stay here. Really, it's fine," Herc nodded, said he'd see Alex tomorrow and turned back to Eliza and Angelica, looking over his shoulder once, a slight worried expression on his face. Alex had sighed deeply as he'd walked out, feeling the worst he'd ever felt in his life. Maybe he could fix this. Yes, he had kissed someone else, but it had just been a kiss. And it hadn't _meant_ anything. He loved John, not Maria, and maybe if Alex told John as soon as he saw him, maybe if he explained and begged for forgiveness, then maybe John might forgive him. Maybe he could heal this. Maybe he could keep John.

He smiled faintly at his new found determination and made to swing open the door, when he heard a loud crash come from the room next to him. He furrowed his eyebrows, and followed the noise, starting down the corridor, bristling when he saw James (Maria's boyfriend) walking down the hall. He didn't say anything to Alex, just grunted as he pushed past him, throwing Alex an accusing look as he lowered his eyebrows. Alex watched him as he pulled open the front door and slammed it behind him.

Alex ran his tongue over his teeth and turned back to face the corridor, about to leave when he heard a grating, sobbing sound. He held his breath as he walked down the hall, and froze when he lightly pushed open a door to reveal Maria huddled on the ground of an abandoned study, rubbing her cheek as tears streamed down her face, ruining her makeup. A discarded book was lying next to her on the floor, and Maria’s eyes were furiously trained on it. He was about to leave when she looked up, her face crumpling. "Alex," She breathed, standing up, swaying slightly before she held her hands out, steadying herself.

“Did he...did he _hit_ you?" Alex asked, his tone angry. Maria glanced away as she sniffed before slowly nodding. Her hair fell in her face and she bit her lip as she pushed a curl behind her ear.

"Maria," Alex started, but he had no idea what to say. He didn’t know why he was still here. She looked back up at him, running her hands through her hair.

"I'm sorry, Alex. For kissing you. I...I shouldn't have." He still didn't know what to say, so he just nodded and awkwardly placed his hands in his jean pockets before he made to leave. He paused in the threshold, and turned back to face her. "Do you want me...want me to walk you home?" He asked, stumbling over his words. She smiled thankfully and nodded, sniffing and wiping away her tears with her fingers.

They walked the streets in silence, Alex not sure he was breathing. The orange light shining down at Maria, making her appear like she was glowing. He was just walking her home, he told himself as they turned a corner. Then he would leave. He _would_ leave. "This is me," Maria said softly, when they came to a block of flats. Alex nodded, biting his lip as he looked down at her. Her dress was hanging off of her shoulders, and her makeup was streamed. Her hair was a mess due to the amount of times she’d ran her slender fingers through it. She looked pathetically helpless.

"Alex," She breathed, taking a slow step towards him. Leave, for fucks sake. He screamed at himself, his heart smashing against his chest. GET THE FUCK OUT! He gritted his teeth when she placed a light hand on his arm, taking another slow step towards him. "Alex," She whispered, so close he could feel her warm breath on his face. Alex was caught in serious déjà vu when she lifted herself onto her toes, and softly pressed her lips against his. 

 

MARIA

She wasn't a slut. She wasn't a whore. She knew that was what people said about her. She heard it as she walked down the corridors of the school. Heard what people said about her, heard what they whispered. She knew what they thought.

'Maria Lewis sleeps around.' 

'Maria's hooked up with every boy at NYU.'

'She can't keep her boyfriend satisfied.'

When Maria had first kissed Alexander Hamilton, at the gala, she'd been the happiest she'd ever been in her life.

The first time she'd seen him, she'd fallen in love. She’d fallen in love with his dark, intelligent and hungry eyes. She’d fallen in love with his smirk and his laugh. She’d fallen in love with his dark hair and the stubble on his jaw and chin. She’d fallen in love with Alexander Hamilton. And the more she listened to him debate and argue passionately in class, his eyes lighting up and sparkling, the more she saw him around, smirking, laughing and rolling his eyes, the more she fell for him. _Hard_. 

So, when they'd kissed on that balcony, and his hands had been in her hair and her hands had been on his face, and she'd smiled into the kiss, Maria had felt incredible. Her heart had fluttered and sang and she'd felt safe, and happy and loved for the first time. She’d felt like a princess in a story,finally saved by her prince. But then he'd pulled away, his hands leaving her waist and his face horrified. He had shaken his head and with every step he'd taken away from her, the more Maria's heart had shattered and crumbled. She wasn't stupid or naïve, she knew Alex was in love with Laurens, but for that minute of pure bliss, she'd felt loved for the first time.

When she kissed him for the second time, she'd known she was setting herself up for disappointment, she'd known he would pull away and she'd lose her chance with him forever. But he hadn't. He hadn't pulled away. He had stayed.

His hands stayed on her waist, and she sighed into the kiss when he pulled her closer into him. She raked her hands through his hair, smiling softly into the kiss as she murmured his name. Was this really happening? She asked herself as Alex kissed her, one of his hands around her waist, one on her cheek, his body pressed against hers. For a second, John Laurens' face flashed across her mind, his freckles blinding her, his hurt green eyes staring accusingly at her. She debated pulling away for a second, before Alex leaned into the kiss even more and muttured her name into the kiss; shoving all of the thoughts out of her head. 

She knew she shouldn't be doing this, Alexander had a boyfriend. She _technically_ still had a boyfriend, but she was so desperate for someone to love her and for someone to actually kiss her for who she was, that she kissed him back. She knew she was being selfish, but she felt like life owed her this. Life owed her one kiss with a boy who wasn't drunk or hated her. Life owed her a kiss with someone she loved. Maybe if she hadn’t been drunk, and if Alex hadn’t been drunk they would’ve stopped. Maybe if she hadn’t drank so much and fought with James she would’ve never found herself in the situation. Maybe if they both had been sober, Alex would’ve left. But he didn’t and she didn’t because they were both drunk and sad and desperate. She didn't stop herself or Alex when they kissed as they walked up the stairs. She didn’t stop them when Alex had his hands on either side of her head. She didn’t stop herself when she pushed him onto her bed.

ALEX

Alex woke up with a pounding headache, he groaned, he’d already promised himself he was never drinking that much again, at the last party. He went to shove his head into his pillow when he froze. He held his breath as he pushed himself up onto his elbows, his eyes going wide when he looked around. He wasn't in his room. His room had two single beds, not one double bed. His room didn’t have ticket stubs and photos and paintings pasted on his ceiling. 

His breath hitched in his throat when he looked down and saw Maria asleep next to him, lying on her side, her curled hair spread out on the pillow like a halo. She moved slightly, turning onto her front as her fingers gripped the duvet that was lying over the both of them.

He gulped as he looked down to his own bare chest, as his fingers lightly traced the scar that months ago John had traced. He glanced back down at Maria, and for a second he hated her. He hated her and he wanted to scream. But then his own guilt flooded him. It wasn’t Maria’s fault. It was his. He’d done it again, but this time it hadn’t stopped at a kiss. Alex bit his lip as he stared blankly down at Maria, the freckles on her bare back glaring up at him. 

What the fuck had he done? He thought to himself as he lightly shuffled as far away from Maria as he could, before he was pressed against the wall, his guilt smashing him, drowning him, suffocating him, killing him.


	35. Time to Pay the Piper for the Pants You Unbuckled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't act like you're above Game of Thrones, Thomas, and they would never cancel Game of Thrones, don't be fucking stupid."
> 
> Thomas hears something he shouldn't.

THOMAS

Thomas sighed dramatically when he saw Alexander Hamilton sitting in the library. He was at a desk and he had his laptop opened in font of him, but he wasn't typing, just staring blankly down at the screen, his face a cast of melancholy. Thomas rolled his eyes as he walked past him, but Hamilton didn't notice. He paused behind him, leaning down and arching an eyebrow but Hamilton didn't even notice Thomas' sneering face in the reflection of his laptop screen. He rolled his shoulders back and straightened up, leaving Hamilton to his thoughts as he made his way over to James.

Hamilton didn't really notice anything anymore. He didn't answer to Thomas' taunt or jeers. He didn't eat and Thomas was pretty sure he wasn't sleeping, well, even _less_ than Hamilton _normally_ slept. Thomas couldn't seem to escape the dark, depressed cloud that was Alexander Hamilton. He was always in their room, and Thomas was getting increasingly pissed off. He'd thought Hamilton had moved out with his boyfriend, and he'd been debating just letting James move in. Thomas' friend had practically been living there anyway. But then Hamilton had turned up, pissed off at everything that breathed and angry at the world. And as much as Thomas loved pissing off Hamilton, he liked just not having to deal with him at all, way more. So, Thomas tried to stay as far away as possible from the brooding Hamilton. Which basically meant spending most of his time at the library when James was working and in James' dorm room when James wasn't.

When he got to the counter, James not even bothering to look up, Thomas glanced over his shoulder at Hamilton one more time. "What do you think's wrong with him?" He asked James, leaning against the counter, casually folding his arms. James looked up from his book, and peeked over to top of the counter, raising his chin to look at Hamilton behind Thomas. "Could you talk any louder?" He rolled his eyes, "He's right over there."

Thomas shrugged and crinkled his nose. "He's not listening," He told James, but his friend just arched an eyebrow and lightly shook his head. "Hey! Yo! Politics is stupid! What's the point in voting?" Thomas said loudly, looking straight at Hamilton, but he didn't move slightly, didn't even acknowledge him. A couple of other people did though, a girl throwing him a filthy look before she grabbed a book from the shelf and disappeared. "Shut up," James hissed, widening his eyes. Thomas just smirked and gestured with his head to Hamilton. "Told you."

James rolled his eyes again (he rolled his eyes at Thomas a lot) and stood up from his chair, and grabbed a small pile of books from the cart behind him. Thomas pushed himself up off of the counter and followed him, running off suggestions as to why Hamilton was being so strange.

"Maybe they cancelled Game of Thrones?" Thomas asked, drumming his fingers on a shelf. Hamilton loved that show nearly as much as James did. James cocked his head at Thomas as he placed some books on the shelf, running his fingers down the spines.

"Don't act like you're above _Game of Thrones_ , Thomas," James smirked as he walked over to another shelf. "And they would never cancel Game of Thrones, don't be fucking stupid."

Thomas snorted as he leaned against the shelf. "Maybe something happened with him and Laurens?" He wondered aloud. James sighed and tilted his head as if contemplating it. He turned, walking away again. Thomas followed him, as he said, "I don't think so. I mean, him and Laurens are really close. Like the couples you see in movies. I don't think either of them would put that at risk. Or be stupid enough to risk losing the other. Risk losing something that special and rare." Thomas sighed as James placed the last book on a high shelf and turned back to face him. "That might be it though."

"What?" Thomas asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Maybe he just misses Laurens. I mean, it's been two months, I think." Thomas nodded in agreement.

"You're probably right," He said after they'd walked past Hamilton, still sitting at the desk. They'd both walked past him slowly, peering down at him suspiciously. James shrugged as he fell into his chair and picked his book up again. "It makes sense. I mean, they go out, but they're also like best friends. Practically family. I mean, Hamilton dropped everything for a month to go to South Carolina with Laurens."

"He did?" Thomas asked, furrowing his eyebrows. He didn't remember Alex leaving. Wait...yeah. There had been a month, like two months ago, when Laurens and Hamilton hadn't shown up to their classes. Thomas had just been happy with the peace and quiet, he hadn't known they'd gone to South Carolina. "Why'd they go down there?"

James ran his tongue over his teeth before he answered, looking up from his book to meet Thomas' eyes. "Laurens' younger sister and brother were in an accident. They both died."

Thomas gulped before he leaned against the counter. "That's shit. I didn't know that." There was a moment of silence. "Didn't his mum..." He started, trailing off, not wanting to say it out loud. James nodded gingerly and Thomas sighed. "Accident?" He asked.

James nodded again, shutting his book and placing it onto the surface. "Car crash. The other guy was drunk driving." Thomas' breath hitched.

"Did he get time for it?" Thomas asked, his fists clenched. James just nodded slowly, not elaborating. "How old were they?"

James gritted his teeth before he answered. "Sixteen and seventeen." Thomas didn't say anything else, just bit his lip and looked down at the floor. God, that was so shit. That must have been a lot for Laurens to take. "I'm gonna go back to the room. Since Hamilton's here, sulking," He finally said, running his hand through his cut hair.

"He's not here anymore," James remarked, looking down at his book. Thomas spun around, grunting when he saw that James was right. Hamilton had left his seat, but he couldn’t have left the library, because his laptop was still sitting their, screen bright.

"He is. Or he's left his laptop." James just shrugged, obviously disinterested. James didn't like Hamilton, but he didn't hate him. James had this weird thing where he liked trying to look past people's flaws and see what good qualities they had. 'He's incredibly intelligent, and extremely quick witted', James would say whenever Thomas moaned about Hamilton. 'You have to give him that, Tom." And Thomas would frown and say, 'No I don't, he's a massive prick.'

"See you later," Thomas said to James, after he'd promised to come around later, when he got off his shift. Thomas started walking towards the exit, glancing suspiciously at Hamilton's seemingly abandoned laptop before he reached the door. He only paused, hand on the door when he heard a familiar voice smirk from behind one of the shelfs. Thomas ran his tongue over his teeth, his curiosity getting the best of him, his hand falling from the door, and he walked softly to the shelf, hiding behind it.

He gritted his teeth when he saw James Reynolds and Alexander Hamilton standing, looking at each other. So that's where Hamilton had run off to. His eyes were narrowed, and his fists were clenched. James, on the other hand, was wearing a smirk, his eyebrows arched.

"I know what you did, Alexander," He simply said, his side smirk not leaving his face. "Did you think I wouldn't find out? That Maria wouldn't tell me?” Thomas held his breath. He watched as Hamilton shrugged, rolled his shoulders back and cocked his head. "I don't know what you're talking about," He tried to say it casually, but Thomas could see his jaw clenching.

"Ah, I never took you for a _liar_ , Hamilton," James looked down at him, his eyes twinkling darkly. "But then again, I never took you for a _cheat_ either." Thomas' breathing hitched as he took a step back. "I guess you're just full of surprises."

Hamilton didn't say anything back for a while, just stood there, the bob of his throat the only sign of emotion. He looked down, biting his lip, before he looked back up at James, his fists clenched. "What do you want?"

James pushed a tongue in his cheek before he shrugged, leaning nonchalantly against a shelf, picking up a book as he aimlessly flipped through the pages. "You're expecting me to say stay away from my girlfriend. Aren't you?" Hamilton didn't reply, but Thomas saw his nostrils flair. "Well, to be honest, Alex. Can I call you Alex?" No reply again. "I don't really care, Alex. I probably should, I mean Maria's my girlfriend, and she slept with _you_." At that, James slightly narrowed his eyes at Hamilton, but as quickly as it had changed, his face was back to that arrogant cast of slight amusement.

"She slept with _Alexander Hamilton_." James' voice dripping with hate as he said Hamilton's name, he placed the book back on the shelf slowly, before turning back to face Hamilton. "But I don't really care. It's not like Maria's going to leave me. She told me all about her _drunken mistake_ that took place two weeks ago." As he said drunken mistake, he made air quotes with his fingers, taking a step towards Hamilton, his face close to his. "Because _it was a mistake_ , Alex. She didn't want you." James straightened up, and started to walk in a circle around Hamilton.

“But...I don't think you care about Maria. You don't care about what I'm saying. You're just worried about what'll happen to you...and your boyfriend. _Laurens_ , is it? _John_ Laurens?" James smirked. Thomas knew James knew Laurens and who he was. He was just doing it to piss of Hamilton. "Cause I'm pretty sure your boyfriend is gonna be a lot more upset over this little _mistake_ , than I am. And even though I don't have to worry about Maria leaving me, you're worrying about Laurens leaving you. Am I right?”

Hamilton gritted his teeth, his eyes dark and stormy, Thomas had seen that look before. "What. Do you. _Want_?" He repeated. James sighed an over-zealous sigh and leaned on Hamilton’s shoulder.

"You're on Washington's internship, right?" Hamilton didn't reply, there was no need, James knew he was on that internship. Thomas gritted his teeth, so was he, and it was bad enough being around Hamilton, he didn't think he could stomach James' presence. "Well, get me on that internship, and no one needs to know," He smiled but his eyes were dark as he looked down at Hamilton, who was looking down at his feet. "So?" He asked.

Hamilton looked up at James, his face tired, his eyes weary and his head slightly hanging. "No one needs to know," He breathed, before he turned on his heels and left. Thomas watched as James smirked, obviously happy with himself before he snorted, and flicked the books on the shelves before pushing the door open, and smiling as he left the library.

Thomas bit his lip as he walked out from behind the shelf he'd been listening to from. He slowly walked to the front door, glancing over his shoulder to see Hamilton back at the desk, but instead of looking defeated and just blankly staring at the screen, he had his head in his hands. Thomas blinked, before he walked out, shaking his head lightly.

" _I don't think either of them would put that at risk. Or be stupid enough to risk losing the other. Risk losing something that special and rare,_ " James had said, only a couple of minutes before. But, turns out, one of them had. Alexander Hamilton had cheated on John Laurens.

Thomas bit his lip when he remembered how James had told him how Laurens' siblings had died, and now his boyfriend had cheated on him. The person he loved had betrayed him. Thomas sighed, how many more people was John Laurens going to lose?

LAFAYETTE

Laf sighed as he watched John wiggle around on his chair. Either it was uncomfortable or he was restless. Laf was pretty sure it was the latter. "I can't wait," John smiled brightly. Okay, it was definitely the latter. Laf lightly rolled his eyes at his friend, as he watched him take another sip of his coffee. His literal _sixth_ coffee. They were in a cafe, in the Charles de Gaulle Airport. Their bags had already been checked and they'd gone through security, so now they were just waiting for their plane. John had insisted that they'd gotten here four hours earlier, as if that meant he'd get to Alex quicker. It didn’t. It just meant that they had to sit, bored, in the airport for an extra two hours.

"I know, _mon ami_ , you've been saying how excited you are for the past hour." Laf's accent had become more prominent as they'd stayed here.

Lafayette had loved visiting here, loved seeing his family again. He and John had spend their days here painting and sketching, even though John's drawings were about a hundred times better that Laf's. They'd gone sight seeing too, Laf taking his friend on a private tour of where he'd grown up. Laf had loved being in France again, and he was fairly sure John had loved it too, just not as much as he should've. He was more excited to leave and see Alex again, than he had been on the plane here.

"I just haven't seen him for two months. Two months Laf. Do you know how many days that is?" Laf shook his head, knowing full well that John was going to tell him anyway. "Sixty days. _Sixty days_ , Laf." Laf just nodded, and looked at John as he drank his own coffee. His friend's eyes were sparkling and he was practically glowing. "One thousand, four hundred and sixty hours. But, in about seven hours, I can see him again. I can finally see Alex’s face again." After he said that, John started gazing dreamily down into his mug. Laf rolled his eyes, even though he was smiling himself. "You literally talked to him on the phone yesterday."

John's frown faltered. "Yeah. But he sounded...I don't know... _far away_."

"He is far away. Three thousand, six hundred and about fifteen miles away." John had told him the exact distance from Paris to New York yesterday. John smiled softly as he looked up at Laf.

"That's not what I meant." Laf just nodded, understanding, his smiled falling slightly as John kept talking. "He seemed tired, and _sad_."

"He probably just misses you, _mon ami,_ " Laf said. John nodded, before he sheepishly looked up at Laf.

"Do you...miss anyone?" John asked, eyebrow slightly raised. Laf gulped but he kept his calm composure, leaning into the chair.

"Of course. I miss everyone. I miss all of our friends."

John ran a tongue over his teeth before he shrugged at Laf, "Why won't you just admit it?" Laf bristled but he he rolled his eyes, he was tired of arguing about this with John.

"There's nothing to admit to!" He exclaimed.

"You liking Herc. Herc liking you!" John stated, eyes widening. Laf bit his lip.

"Laurens. One thing happened. Once. And we were both completely drunk."

"Were you. _Really_?" John pressed, unconvinced. Laf sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Yes! Now, can you please, for the love of God, just fucking drop it!" Laf huffed and folded his arms, looking away as John bristled and glanced down at his mug. They both sat in awkward silence for a moment before John spoke. "I'm sorry Laf, I shouldn't have pushed. I'll drop it, promise."

Laf gave him a grateful smile and sighed with relief. "It's fine, _mon ami_."

"I'm just pretty tired, and I just miss Alex so much," John muttered, pursing his lips.

Laf smiled as he and John stood up and made their way towards the gate. "Hey, cheer up, in seven hours you can see him again." At that, John's bright grin returned, his tooth gap gleaming. Laf lightly groaned as John started listing all the things he loved about Alexander. This was going to be one hell of a long flight back home.

"I love his hair, especially when it's wet. Oh my fucking god, when it's _wet_. I love his quick wit and his mind. I love his eyes, they’re so dark and clever and gleaming. I love how he's so kind, and caring and so loyal. He's so amazing. I can't wait to show him my paintings. I can't wait to see him, Laf. Actually touch him and hear him and see him. You know what else I love? He has one dimple...in his right cheek. And he can speak french fluently, of course you already knew that. I love when he speaks french, even if I don't understand it. I love how he reads. I love how he’s so caring and kind and loyal.”

“You already said that, Laurens.”

“Shut up. I love him so much. Oh my gods, Laf, I love him so much. I love him.”

“Already said that.”

“I love him so fucking much.”


	36. Don’t Take Another Step In My Direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “John. Please. I’m so sorry.”
> 
> John hears whispers.

JOHN

With every mile they flew, John's heart sped up. Every hour he spent on the plane, he got more restless. After every movie he finished, he started fidgeting more. He didn't even realise that he was drumming his fingers on his leg and tapping his feet until Laf grabbed his wrist with one hand and placed the other firmly on John's knee. "Do you want me to _kill_ you, _mon ami_?" Laf asked, cocking his head. John blushed and apologised, concentrating on keeping still as he said, "I'm just so-"

" _Excited,_ " Laf finished his sentence for him, falling back into his seat. John nodded grinning. 

" _Exactly."_

“I’m never letting you and Alex split up again, _ever_. I’m never letting him leave you,” Laf told John.

John smirked and nodded, opening his mouth to say something when the seatbelt sign flashed on, and the pilot's voice sounded over the intercom.

"Good afternoon, it will be ten minutes before we land. We hope you had a comfortable journey with us today. It is currently twenty sixdegrees celsius in New York City, the current time there is twenty seven minutes past two. Thank you for flying with us."

As John pushed his seatbelt together and leaned over Laf, all of his excitement vanished, gulping when he saw everything small underneath them. When he saw the small buildings and minuscule trees, he crossed his heart and leaned back, stiff in his chair. When the plane started to make that landing noise, he bit his lip and grabbed the armrest tightly. He didn't let himself close his eyes, told himself to be calm, told himself to breathe. His chest went tight when the plane dipped slightly and he stiffened when they landed with a small bump. He exhaled deeply as he looked up at Laf, who didn't look like he cared less about flying. As soon as his seatbelt came off, the nerves and anxiety shot away, replaced with an endless stream of excitement and eagerness. 

Everything went by in a blur; security, passport control, collecting their luggage. Laf rolled his eyes as he tried to keep up with John. But John was determined, there were no hurdles anymore. Finally nothing that could separate him and Alex. Not an ocean, not three thousand, six hundred and about fifteen miles. Not a plane ride, not two months. Nothing could get in-between them anymore. John thought his heart was going to explode as he navigated through the crowd of slow walkers and suitcases, practically abandoning Lafayette. His fingers were twitching on the handle and he was biting his lip. No more hurdles, no more obstacles. Everything would go back to their perfectly happy normal. 

He paused in the arrivals lounge. He looked around wildly, on his toes, but the area was completely packed. There were people everywhere, people reuniting, people embracing, people saying goodbye, all of them blocking John's view. He felt Laf come up behind him, lightly panting, " _Fuck,_  Laurens. You have long ass legs, _mon ami_." John ignored him, craning his neck, searching for Alex. He sighed and fell back onto his feet, looking up at Lafayette. "Where are they?" Laf just shrugged and turned his head, starting to look aswell. John bit his lip and folded his arms, his heart beating faster and faster with every second he didn't see Alex.

But then, when a group of about six people started walking away, everything froze. Alex was standing with Herc, looking down at his scruffy shoes, as Herc was turning his head. John breathed out shakily, his heart swelling. Herc saw John and Laf, and nudged Alex. He looked up, his eyes scanning wildly before they settled on John. He stared at him for a second, and his eyes shone as he smiled lightly. John dropped his suitcase (absently hearing Laf grumble and pick it up) and ran to his boyfriend, throwing his arms around his neck as he grinned wildly. His heart was going at a million beats per minutes as he finally touched Alex again, breathing in coffee and mint, feeling his long, dark hair against his ear, his stubble on John's cheek as he buried his face into Alex's neck. He was back with Alexander. _His_ Alex.

ALEX

He'd been silent as Herc had drove them to the airport, hadn't said a word. "You okay, man?" Herc had asked, arching an eyebrow down at him as they had parked. Alex had looked up and nodded, running his tongue over his teeth. In truth, he hadn’t been okay. The sinking feeling he'd had practically all month now had started to feel like a stone weighing him down. He had no idea what he was going to do. He had to tell John. Had to. Even if he didn't want to. He really didn't want to. Because he knew what would happen when he told John. He was going to lose him. And Alex didn't know if he could survive that.

He'd walked in silence next to Herc as they'd made their way into the airport, not listening to what Herc was saying, just nodding. Maybe he'd know what to do when he saw John, he'd thought. That's what he'd been counting on - seeing John's face and everything clicking. But that wasn't what had happened. 

"Look, it's Laf and John," Herc had said, lightly elbowing Alex. His heart had started thumping against his chest, like a stone rattling in a wooden box. He’d looked up, searching the crowd until his eyes fell onto John's bright green ones. Nothing had made sense, nothing had clicked. Seeing him had just made Alex want to crumple up on the floor and die. His eyes were twinkling, his freckles and tawny skin glowing, the small gap in his teeth that Alex loved so much taunting him. He loved John, and he'd betrayed him, had ruined everything they'd had. 

Alex had froze when John had dropped his suitcase and ran towards him (Laf rolling his eyes, picking it up and following him), throwing his arms around Alex's neck and burying his face into his neck. He smelled like John, he felt like John. He was back with John Laurens. His John. No, Alex didn't have the right to say that anymore, he'd crumpled it up and thrown it away. 

He’d held back the tears that threatened to fall as he slowly wrapped his own arms around John, sighing deeply. 

JOHN

Alex was so beautiful. So beautiful with his dark hair, scraped back into a ponytail. With his intelligent, tired and hungry eyes. With his sharp cheekbones and delicate nose. With his jaw line and thin shoulders. With his moles on his shoulders and his smile. His fucking smile. He was so beautiful, and John loved him so much.

ALEX

John was so beautiful. So beautiful with his light curls, in a messy bun toppled on his head. With his perfect teeth and small tooth gap. With his broad shoulders and freckles everywhere. With his square jaw and lopsided smirk. With his helpless and trusting, bright shining eyes. He was so beautiful. What had Alex done?

JOHN

He'd missed Alex so much. Every spare moment John had had, he'd spent thinking about Alex. Lying on his back in his bed, gazing at the ceiling as he’d listened to Laf's quiet breathing, he'd seen Alex's face. His Alex. Alex who he loved with everything he had.

ALEX

He'd missed John so much. And he'd been so blinded with his hurt and aching chest that he'd fucked John over. Lying on his side in Maria's bed, gazing at her bare body under the sheets, listening to her faint breathing, he'd seen John's face. John who he'd betrayed.

JOHN

Alex was here now, and John was here now, and everything would be incredible again.

ALEX

John was back now, and Alex was still here, but nothing was going to be the same again.

JOHN

He'd get to kiss him for the first time in two months. Get to sleep in the same bed with him again. Get to watch boring documentaries that Alex liked and lovingly mock him. Get to sit with him in Political Sciences, watch as he scribbled down notes and opinions. Get to draw him again. Get to eat meals with him, just finally talk to him again. Get to enjoy life with Alex. Get to go to their secret garden, sit holding hands in their gazebo.

ALEX

He wouldn't get to kiss him anymore; wouldn't get to kiss his curls anymore or his constellations of freckles or his tooth gap. He hadn't been back to John and Laf's since he'd been with Maria, he hadn't been able to, and now he wouldn't ever get to go back again. Wouldn't ever fall asleep next to John again, wouldn't be there when John sat up, sweating and shaking from a nightmare. John wouldn't watch documentaries with him anymore, making Alex laugh with his shitty commentary. He wouldn't sit with Alex in class, Alex wouldn't get to gaze at him as he drew, his tongue poking out. John wouldn't draw him anymore. They wouldn't get coffee together anymore, they might never talk to each other again. They wouldn’t step foot in their garden again, wouldn’t sit in the gazebo and kiss. Alex might lose John forever, have to live without him. And Alex didn't know if he was able to give that up.

JOHN

John unlocked the door, Laf following him in, and pushed his suitcase against the wall. "Home sweet home," He said as Laf shut the door and rolled back his shoulders. Laf turned and frowned when he saw his plants, all slightly leaning to the side and turning a mottled grey. "Alex didn't water my _fucking plants_."

John snorted, "You know how forgetful he is." 

"But...my plants...my _succulents_!" Laf groaned, flicking at the paling leaves. John snorted and rolled his eyes. Laf growled before he yawned and he stretched his arms up, cracking his neck. "I'm going to sleep," He murmured, eyes half shut. John smirked as he pulled open the fridge, and picked out an apple. 

"I'm meeting Alex. I'll be back later," He called to Laf as his friend stumbled down the hall. He bit into the apple, watching as Laf pulled open his door, pausing before he stepped in.

"If you bring him back here, you need to be quiet. I'm fucking shattered." John rolled his eyes but Laf just lightly shook his head. "I'm deadly serious, Laurens. Make a noise and I'm kicking your boyfriend out."

John smirked as Laf slammed the door. He finished his apple, threw it into the garbage before he checked his phone. Nothing from Alex. Weird. There was however, a text from all three Schuylers.

**( 3:45 ) PeggyIsStillTheBestest: u need to come round to The Grind tomoz and tell me all about Paris, see u at 3 tomoz**

John smiled lightly. Peggy was still Peggy. Still curt and blunt. Not even asking if he was free, just demanding that he meet her. He _was_ free anyway, and he texted her back as such before he looked at the text from Angelica and Eliza.

**( 3:23 ) Dearest, Angelica: btw, ur Law in America textbook isn't lost, I have it. Herc dropped to off, I'll give it back tomorrow at The Grind**

**( 3:12 ) ElizaS: So glad you're back, John. See you soon. Can't wait to hear all about France x**

He answered them all back quickly before he grabbed his keys and earphones from the counter and made his way to Alex's dorm. They'd all pilled into Herc's car after him and Alex had picked Laf and John up from the airport. Herc and Laf in the front, Alex and John in the back. Alex had been uncharacteristicly un-vocal; completely and utterly silent. John had taken his hand, and Alex had let him, lightly squeezing it as his dark eyes had shone up at them, offering John a side smirk. John had smiled back, and listened to Laf tell Herc about France, but he'd been worried about Alex. He was too thin and he had dark circles under his eyes, looking almost tattooed on, even though he'd promised John he'd sleep and eat. The rare times he spoke on the journey home, his voice was weak and shaking and he looked... _terrified_. He had been fidgeting with his fingers, and looking warily at John. Herc had pulled up at John and Laf's - Laf stumbling out of the car as he yawned and quickly thanked Herc. John had gently let go off Alex's hand and stepped out, expecting Alex to get out aswell. But he hadn't. 

He'd stayed in his seat, looking up at John. He'd rolled down the windows, before he'd glanced away. "You okay, babe?" John had asked, leaning on the car. He'd sworn Alex had flinched when he'd said babe, but that couldn't be, because why would he have? Alex had just nodded and looked away, his jaw clenching. "I just...I have something I need to do," He'd said quietly. 

John's face had fallen and his heart had slightly dropped. "But I...I just got back," He'd breathed, biting his lips. Alex had looked up and shaken his head, his hair falling in his face.

"I know. It's not you, John. It's not you. You're amazing and I'm so glad you're back. I just...there's this really important email I have to send to Washington, but I want to see you, I do. Come round to mine, my uh...dorm room later, okay?" John had bit his cheek and arched an eyebrow, quickly glancing to Herc, but he had been on the phone, talking to someone, not listening to John and Alex. He'd looked over his shoulder and seen Laf leaning against the wall, his eyes fluttering shut as he had yawned.

"Have you being staying in your dorm room?" He'd asked, watching as Alex had sheepishly looked away. "You could've stayed here." Alex had just gulped and nodded, glancing up at the building before quickly looking back at John. "My room was just easier." John had nodded and told Alex he'd come round later before he'd kissed him goodbye and walked over to Laf, helping his half-asleep friend up the flights of stairs.

John smiled and thought about Alex as he walked over to his dorm. He lightly nodded his head to his music as he walked down the streets. He hadn't needed a coat, the summer warmth was enough. He was wearing one of Alex's hoodie and it fit him perfectly. Alex had a habit of buying clothes that were too big for him, and when he wore them they always slightly hung off. He was wearing a hoodie from Alex's high school debating club. It was grey and comfy, and smelled like Alex. John sighed happily as he walked down the streets, watching people walk hand in hand, children chase each other, students laden with ice-cream.

He turned the corner, he was nearly there, and pulled out his earphones, shoving them in his pocket. He paused for a second when he saw Jefferson and Madison walking about a meter ahead of him. Jefferson was making grand gestures with his hand (like he always did) and James was just looking up at him, lips pursed. "Are you sure?" Madison asked, scratching his jaw. John wondered what they were talking about. Technically, it wasn't eavesdropping if he just happened to overhear their conversation.

Jefferson looked down at Madison and tilted his head. "Of course I'm sure. They were right in front of me. I heard everything they said." There was a pause while Madison seemed to think, Jefferson looking down at him, hands in his back pocket. 

"James could've been lying," Madison tried, he sounded like he was searching for a way to prove Jefferson wrong but Jefferson just shook his head. 

He shrugged, "Hamilton didn't deny it. He basically _admitted_ to it." John's breathing hitched and he bit his lip. Madison ran his hand down his face. 

"And James wasn't mad? At all?" He asked, as they walked ahead of John.

Jefferson shook his head, looking up at the sky. He'd cut his hair - he didn't have that massive, obnoxious afro anymore. He was still a dick though. "No. He just wanted a place on the internship, and Hamilton just _gave_ it to him." What had Alex done?

"Washington won't just give James a spot though. Will he?" Madison added, when Jefferson didn't agree.

"I don't know," He sighed. "You know how Washington treats Hamilton. Like he's his peer instead off student." Madison nodded in agreement. "What do you think Hamilton's gonna do?" Jefferson asked. John's heart was speeding up. Could this be why Alex had been acting weird in the car, why he'd been sounding weird on the phone? John had just put it to tiredness, over working. But could it be something else? Something to do with a James? What James were they talking about? Reynolds? Maria's boyfriend? 

"I don't know," Madison admitted, rolling his shoulders back. "I mean, he's gonna have to tell him."

"Tell who?" Jefferson looked down at Madison. 

Madison just rolled his eyes before he said, " _Laurens_. His boyfriend." John stopped in his tracks, heart pounding and breathing ragged. No. He had to stop thinking the worst. He had no idea what Jefferson and Madison were talking about. They could be talking about anything. Alex might be planning on telling him. It could be anything, he told himself, but that didn't stop his fists clenching. He started walking again, catching up with them. "I don't know if I'd tell my girlfriend. If I did it," Jefferson said, shrugging. Madison stopped walking, and John did too, staying behind them, not wanting them to know he was listening. “ _Thomas_!” Madison exclaimed, folding his arms in disapproval.

“What?” Jefferson shrugged, as he kept walking, Madison sighed and started walking too, John following them. They were nearly in front of Jefferson and Alex’s dorm. “I mean. If it meant nothing, I wouldn’t.”

Madison sighed, “It’s a betrayal. Of trust.” John’s heart started smashing against his chest. 

“I suppose,” Jefferson shrugged, agreeing. “I didn’t expect Hamilton to do it. Ever. He seems like a guy who would place honour pretty high on his list of morals.” There was a pause as Jefferson and Madison reached the door. “Guess he doesn’t have any.”

“Do you think...if he tells Laurens. Do you think...he’ll forgive him?” John kept walking, his fists clenched and his heart beating so loud he could barely hear anything else.

“For _cheating_?” Jefferson snorted. “With Maria Lewis? I wouldn’t forgive him.” 

John wasn’t breathing. Everything was falling around him. The buildings were crumbling down to the ground, the sun was crashing down, the ground was quaking and opening up from below him. No. No. No.

 _No_.

They were lying. Of course they were fucking lying. It was fucking Jefferson and Madison. They hated John and Alex. They must have known John was walking behind them, said those things to annoy him, to rile him up. 

They had to be lying.

They _had_ to be.

There was no way Alex would do that to him. If Alex did that to him, _if Alex cheated on him_ , John was pretty sure he’d die. His heart would smash and crumble to the point of it being ash. 

They had to be lying.

Jefferson and Madison were still talking, Madison’s hand on the door, but John wasn’t listening anymore. Fear and anger and hurt and hope were blinding him, deafening him, suffocating him. He told himself to breath as he walked, one foot in front of the other, before he was at the door and pushing past Jefferson and Madison. When they saw him, Jefferson just froze, his mouth gaping and Madison’s face went red and he swore under his breath. John had never heard Madison swear before, but that didn’t mean anything. That didn’t change the situation.

They were lying.

“Laurens! Wait!” He heard Jefferson’s stupid fucking lying voice as he stepped inside, and made his way up the stairs. “LAURENS! Shit! Laurens, WAIT!” He heard Madison call after him when he was on the second landing, but he didn’t stop, just kept running up each stair, taking two steps at a time. Frantically running up them, almost slipping a couple of times.

They. Were. _Lying_.

He was panting by the time he reached Alex’s landing, his hair falling in his face. He stood on the top step for a moment, clenching and unclenching his fists. He shut his eyes and told himself to just...calm. Alex would tell him that they were lying. His Alex. His beautiful, loving, amazing, smart and loyal boyfriend. _Loyal boyfriend_. John had seen tons of girls throw themselves at Alex, had fallen for his charms and batted their eyelashes up at him. But Alex had never done anything. And John still believed that he hadn’t. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t do that. Alex wouldn’t do that to him.

They were lying. They had to be. Or else John wasn’t sure he’d survive.

His eyes flashed open and he shook his head, gritting his teeth as he walked down the corridor. It was empty, not even one lingering student. It made sense, the sun was shining brightly outside, everyone was probably outside, bathing in the sun and having fun; laughing, smiling, singing. 

And soon, once John had cleared this all up, and his mind had been at ease, he’d be outside, walking hand in hand with Alex, his loving and loyal boyfriend.

They were lying.

He didn’t knock, just pushed open Alex’s door. He breathed out deeply as he stepped in, shutting the door behind him. As soon as he stepped over the threshold, his chest clenched and his heart started to ache. Alex was sitting on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest, his head buried. But John could still hear the tears that fell down his face.

They. Were. Lying.

“Piss off, Jefferson,” Alex said, muffled. John nearly took a step back, almost ran out, feeling the own tears in his eyes, but he forced himself to stay rooted to the spot, forced himself to stay there, fists clenched. He didn’t say anything, just stood still, lips pursed as he waited for Alex to look up. He did, his voice angry and wavering as he growled, “ _Fuck off, Jefferson_.” But his voice faded into nothingness as his eyes locked onto John’s. His sweet, intelligent, _loyal_ eyes. They had to be lying. They had to be lying. They had to be. He couldn’t lose Alex too.

“John,” Alex said, his voice cracking as he stood up, his hands dangling at his side. “ _John_.”

“Please tell me they’re lying,” John breathed, looking at Alex as he shuffled, biting his lips. His cheeks were stained with tears and his dark hair was a mess. “Please tell me that they’re lying. Please, Alex. Please say you didn’t do it. I need you to say you didn’t do it. I can’t lose you too.” 

John knew he didn’t have to clarify what he meant. Knew Alex knew what he meant. “ _John_.” 

John’s heart shattered. Alex’s breaking voice was a dagger to his chest. John was bleeding out, his love bleeding all over the floor. It ran down his mouth and he choked on the still air. It bled from his ears, the ears that Alex used to kiss. It dripped down from his neck, drowning the freckles that Alex had loved. John’s head hanged low, heavy. 

“John. _Please_. I’m so sorry.” 

Every word Alex said felt cold. It felt like concrete was drying over John’s heart. He shook his head, looking away. “You...you...” He trailed off, looking up, locking on Alex’s eyes. His tired, too clever for his own good, _lying_  fucking eyes. 

“ _John,_ ” Alex said again, almost begging. He took a step towards John, and John took a step back, still shaking his head, his back hitting the door. “John, it didn’t mean anything. Please, John. I love you. I love you so much. I live for you, John Laurens. I love you. Please. I’m so sorry.” Alex was shaking, his hand outstretched but not moving, John just out of his grasp. 

John’s heart wasn’t pounding anymore. Nothing was happening anymore. Everything was still and quiet. Deafeningly quiet. John was pretty sure salty tears were falling down his cheeks, twin to Alex’s. “John. _Please,_ ” Alex took a shaky breath in. “ _Please,_ ” His voice was full of pain and regret and sorrow. John blinked and looked away, his mouth dry, not being able to breath. 

Alex took another small step towards him. John’s heart smashed, obliterated, the pieces flying everywhere. It smashed, broken, unfixable. The sadness was still there, the emptiness still there, but they’d been pushed back by John’s anger. “Don’t,” John said quietly, his head snapping up to meet Alex’s gaze. “Just... _don’t,_ ” John laughed a humourless laugh, shaking his head as tears streamed down his face.

“John. Please, please,” Alex begged, his face crumpling. “It didn’t mean anything. She doesn’t mean anything, I love you.”

John stared him dead in the eye, not bothering to wipe away his tears, his nose crinkling as his salty tears clung to his jaw. “I used to think that too,” John whispered. Alex made to take another step forward. “Don’t take another step in my direction. Don’t think you can... _talk_ your way back into my arms.” John bit his lip and angrily wiped away at his eyes. 

“ _John_. _Please_.”

“I don’t know who you are anymore,” John shook his head. 

“Please. Please John. She didn’t...we...she didn’t _mean_ anything. We were drunk. I was drunk and I missed you and I _love_ you and I-”

“One day I hope you choke on the shit you talk,” John hissed, his eyes still streaming. “I loved you, really _really_ loved you, Alex. And I thought I was enough, but...” he trailed off, shaking his head lightly before he felt behind him, searching for the doorknob. He just sighed and looked at Alex one more time, his chest aching when he saw Alex’s face fall, the tears falling swiftly and rapidly. “John. Please.” 

But John was already out of the room, slamming the door behind him. He was shaking and his eyes were still watering. He leaned against the door for a second but instantly stood up when he noticed Jefferson and Madison standing there, staring at him, eyes wide and mouths gaping. John didn’t say anything, just wiped at his eyes and shoved past them both. 

He walked home, only letting himself cry when he reached his apartment building. He sobbed as he ran up the stairs and flung open the door. He sobbed, ugly and loud tears as he slammed the door angrily shut, then growled and screamed in frustration as he punched it. He stood still for a couple of moments, shaking and crying before he slid down against the door, hugging his knees to his chest and biting his lip, trying to stop the never ending tears that kept spilling down his face, drowning him. 

“What did I say about loud noises?” 

John didn’t look up, just kept his head buried, his lips pursed as his shoulders shook in anger and grief and betrayal. 

“John. Shit. John, what happened?”

“You said you wouldn’t let him leave me, Laf.”


	37. I Hope That You Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Stop saying that. Stop saying you love me, because you clearly...you clearly don’t.”
> 
> John's heart shatters.

ALEX

John left, the door shutting, leaving Alex alone.

So bitterly alone.

Alex felt the earth slightly shift beneath his feet. Gravity seemed to pull him in an unexpected direction, making him lose his balance. He stepped back slightly, his arm still held out. His fingers curled, as if grasping for something that had been long. 

So many feelings and thoughts ran through him, short-circuiting each other until he was left an empty shell. 

His arm fell, dangiling by his side. Alex gulped, the tears vanishing as he dropped to his knees. He didn’t curl into a ball, or hug himself. He didn’t move, just sat on his knees, not sure he was breathing.

His heart felt like an insatiable fire. Burning all of the oxygen in his body; leaving him listless and empty and broken. 

“ _Broken isn’t the same as unfixable.”_

Alex had said that to John, before everything; before Martha and James, before Maria. He’d said that to John the first night they’d spent in John’s room. 

Broken wasn’t the same as unfixable. That might be true, but Alex was pretty sure there was nothing he could do to fix this. Nothing he could say to salvage what he’d shattered. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try.

JOHN

Laf sat next to John as he cried silently. He didn’t say anything, didn’t touch John, didn’t try and console him. Just sat against the wall with him in silence. When the tears had ran out, and John was too tired and sad to be angry anymore, he looked up at his friend. Laf was looking at him, biting his lip, his face a cast of worry. “What hap-” Laf started.

“He cheated on me,” John breathed, his chest hurting when he said it out loud. “Maria Lewis.” 

Laf held his breath and faced forward, his jaw clenching. “ _Fuck_ , John. I’m so sorry, I never thought he’d do something like that.”

John nodded and hugged his knees tighter. “Me too. I thought he loved me.” Laf looked down at John before he bit his lip, and tilted his head.

“Did _he_ tell you?” He asked softly.

John shook his head. “Jefferson knew, somehow. He was talking to Madison about it. I overheard. Went to ask... Alex, and well...”

“Fuck. John, that’s so fucking...are you going to talk to him.”

“I would rather bleed out than sit down and talk about my feelings with him,” John said, hatred hissing in his voice. “And even if I did want to. I don’t think I’d be able to.”

“Fuck. John. I...I don’t know what to say, _mon ami_.”

“Don’t say anything,” John whispered, clenching his fists. He pushed himself up, hating that he was shaking. Hating that he could still feel the tears that threatened to fall. “I’m going to sleep,” He muttured, leaving Laf sitting there, biting his lip and staring after John. 

ALEX

He stood outiside Laf and John’s red, wooden door. He’d ran all the way there and he was panting and sweating. He still felt empty and dead and smashed to pieces, but...he _had_ to do this. Had to try.

He held his breath as he knocked on the door, before taking a small step backwards. He didn’t smile, or even say anything when Laf pulled the door open. Neither did Laf. They both stared at each other for a second, silent. Laf was glaring, his chest rising and falling angrily, his eyes narrowed. John had told him. 

“Give me one good fucking reason why I shouldn't slam this door in your fucking face, Hamilton,” Laf hissed. Alex tried to not recoil at the coldness in his voice.

“It was a mistake,” Alex tried.

“That’s a shit reason,” Laf said through gritted teeth, but he stepped outside onto the landing anyway, shutting the door behind him.

“I don’t have a reason for what I did. Not a genuine on,.” Alex admitted.

Laf’s eyes narrowed. “Everyone has a reason for what they do.” Silence. “Maybe your reason is just that you’re a stupid, fucking _dickhead_. _Un connard_.”

Alex nodded. He deserved everything Laf was saying, he knew that, but that didn’t make the blow land any softer. “I’m sorry.”

“ _J'en ai rien à cirer,_ ” Laf shrugged, his eyes stormy. He knew full well that Alex what every word he was saying meant. _I don’t_ _give a fuck_.

“Can I see him?” Alex asked softly. Laf barked a humourless laugh and shook his head, stepping back. 

“No. No way. Go fuck yourself, Alexander,” Laf arched an eyebrow. “Or how about Maria? _Oh wait_. You already fucking did that.” 

Alex ignored that jab and just bit his lip. “Please. Please Laf. Please. _You know me_ , you know that I wouldn’t...that I didn’t...please. I need to talk to him...need to see him...need to explain...” Alex begged and pleaded, his face crumpling. Laf’s face soften slightly, and he ran his tongue over his teeth as he looked down at Alex. Finally, he nodded, and stepped to the side before he said, “You hurt him. You really hurt him.” Alex nodded, Did Laf not think he already knew that? Laf sighed an angry and tired sigh. “You don’t understand, you’ve...this might _destroy_ him, Alex. Especially after Martha and James.”

Alex glanced away. “I don’t think...I don’t know if he’ll listen to you,” Laf said before he just shook his head and started walking down the stairs, leaving the door unlocked, not telling Alex where he was going.

Alex's heart started beating faster. He might not just have lost John, he might’ve lost Lafayette and Hercules too. He sighed before he gritted his teeth, and pushed open the door.

JOHN 

He’d told Laf he was going to sleep. That was a lie. 

John had just walked into his room, and shut the door tight, leaning against it for a moment, sighing as salt tears had silently fallen down his face, dripping onto the carpet. He’d bit his lip before he’d glanced at his pathetic reflection in his mirror. Pushing himself off of the door, he’d snarled and screamed through gritted teeth in frustration and anger and hurt and betrayal, slamming his fist into the wall. Not even noticing the pain. 

He’d taken one look around, before his anger had flared, red and ragefull. Alex’s french books lying abandoned on John’s desk, Alex’s sweater draped over his chair, Alex’s imprint on the left side of the bed, Alex’s lingering smell. Alex. Alex. Alex.

He hated Alexander Hamilton.

He hated what he’d done to him, how he’d betrayed him, not even denying it. He’d hated hearing about it from Jefferson and Madison. 

But he hated Alexander Hamilton most of all because...John still loved him, deep down. His heart was pining and aching, longing for Alex. 

John hated himself.

Hated himself for going to France. Hated himself for leaving Alex. Hated himself for being the cause of this. 

But he hated himself most of all because...he was still thinking about Alexander Hamilton. He cried out in anger, throwing the books from his desk and slamming his fists on it, causing the wood to splinter and crack. 

John spent the next few minutes destroying and ruining his room. His anger and grief blinding him as he screamed, dripping in emotion.

He held his breath when a small knock sounded at the door. It wasn’t Lafayette. Laf knew better than to try and talk to John when he was like this. It might be Herc. Or it might be the person John simultaneously wanted to see and also really didn’t want to see. 

John didn’t say anything, (he was pretty sure his voice was gone anyway) and just slowly walked over to the door, placing his hand on the doorknob. He held his breath and stared down at his shaking hand, silently cursing himself.

“John?” 

He tensed, his throat bobbing and pulled his hand off of the handle, as if he’d been scalded. He took a step back, pursing his lips as he narrowed his eyes at the door.

“I know you’re in there, John.” 

A pause.

“Can we just...can we please just _talk_?” John’s heart hurt when Alex’s voice wavered and cracked, but he still didn’t open his mouth, just grittted his teeth. “Right. Fine. You don’t have to talk, just _listen_ , okay? Please, just listen.”

John didn’t protest, didn’t shout at Alex to fuck off, but he also didn’t agree. He didn’t say anything. He just sighed and leaned against the door, sliding down so he was sitting on the floor against it.

“I know I don’t deserve you, John. But hear me out, that would be enough.”

ALEX

John still didn’t reply.

Alex knew he was there, he could hear his faint breathing.  

Alex just sighed and leaned against the door, sliding down so he was sitting on the floor against it. 

“I know there’s no replacing what I destroyed and you need time... _we_ need time.”

No reply.

“But I want to fight for this, I want to fight for us. And I’m so afraid of losing you, John, I can’t...can’t lose you. But I’m not afraid of _you_ , I know you, John. I know you because I love you, John Laurens. And I’m never gonna stop loving you. So, just let me stay here by your side. Would that be enough?”

Still no reply.

“I fucked up. I fucked up really bad. I know I did. I was drunk, and pissed off and angry, and I missed you so much. And I know it’s not a good enough excuse...there’ll never be a good enough excuse for betraying you, but...” He trailed off, leaning his head against the door. “I’m sorry.”

JOHN 

He leaned his head against the door, tears sliding down his face.

It would be so easy to forgive Alex. To forgive and forget and to carry on as they were. It would be so easy to love him again, even if he hadn’t really stopped loving him. Maybe this whole situation was John’s fault, after all, he’d been the one who’d left.

He could open the door, and forgive him. The temptation was calling out to John, pulling on his snapped heartstrings, like a longing and desperate musician playing a breaking and wavering melody on a broken gutair. As he heard Alex’s ragged and deep breathing through the door, he imagined standing up, pulling the door open and looking in his face. Imagined pulling him into an embrace, imagined kissing him and forgiving him and everything being right again. Everything clicking again.

But he couldn’t.

John had run through fires for Alex, and now his heart was in ashes. The wind was catching the dust of his love and was slowly blowing it away, scattering them. And even if John tried to catch them in his hands, tried to keep them and pull them back to his chest, they were now spoiled and ruined. 

Every time John saw Alex in his mind, he also saw Maria Reynolds, wrapping her arms around him, kissing him. And it made John want to scream.

He pushed himself up off of the floor, standing up, and placed his hand on the doorknob, tightening it as he let out an angry sigh, and aggressively pulled it open.

ALEX

John pulled open the door and Alex stood up quickly, stumbling slightly as he met his angry and narrowed eyes. He went to take a step towards him but John just shook his head, and scoffed before he turned around and walked into his room, hands pushed into his pockets, as if to hide his clenched fists. “You can stand over there if you want,” John said, his tone bland, as he looked away and walked further away from Alex.

Alex glanced to the side, his throat bobbing when he saw his books scattered all over the floor, thrown from the desk. One of his jumpers was balled up and lying against a wall, as if it had been thrown forcefully. But his heart finally broke and splintered when he saw what was lying in pieces on the floor at the foot of John’s bed and at his fireplace. 

John’s drawings of Alex were torn up. Pictures of them both were ripped. The letters Alex had written and sent to John, months ago, half joking half not, were lying in the roaring fire. His handwriting disintegrating infront of his very eyes. His proclamations of love burning.

“John,” Alex tried.

John was facing the fire, back to Alex. His beautiful hair was down, falling behind his shoulders. “I have so much to learn,” John said softly as the flames leapt, devouring the paper. Alex watched as John bent down and tentatively picked up a picture of both of them in their garden. He stood back up, gripping the picture as he turned to Alex, his face angry and his eyes stormy. “I thought you were mine! I thought you _loved_ me!” John shouted, his chest falling and rising quickly. “I never thought you would...would do _this_. I mean, I heard whispers...I always heard whispers. But I sucked it up. Because I thought to myself, if is is the price to be with Alexander Hamilton, then I am more than willing to pay it. But they were still there. I still heard them, heard the whispers. Heard what they said about you.”

“ _John_.”

“Don’t!” John shouted, picture crumpling slightly in his clenched fists. “Don’t try and deny it! I see the way you look at Eliza, and Angelica! I’m not naïve, Alex.” John said, shaking his head, as if he was insulted. “Not that any of that matters anymore.”

Alex tried a step towards him.

“STOP! Don’t. Don’t come closer. I can’t...just...don’t.”

“John, please. Let me fix this, let me try. Please, I still love you.”

John gritted his teeth and clenched his jaw, “Stop saying that. Stop saying you love me, because you clearly...you clearly don’t. _Stop_.” 

“John.”

“If you loved me, you wouldn’t...you wouldn’t have done this. Wouldn’t have done this to me. You wouldn’t have risked this, wouldn’t have thrown it away!” Angry tears were sliding down John’s face. Alex could feel him slipping away from him, falling like grains of sand through his fingers. “And the thing is...I loved you, Alex. _I still do_.”

Alex’s heart skipped.

“But I...I _can’t_. I shouldn’t love you, because you’ve destroyed me. And you...” He said angrily, head snapping up to look at Alex. “You don’t get to say that you love me. You don’t get to love me anymore. You have no place in my heart anymore...no _right_!” 

With each word he spat, an icy and sharp dagger plunged itself further and further into Alex’s chest. John was so angry, but he also looked so helpless and defeated and broken. Shattered and destroyed. Ruined and hurt.

“I’m done,” John breathed, turning around, facing the fireplace again. Alex’s knees buckled as he watched John toss the picture into the flames. They both stood in silence as they watched the fire devour the picture, burning the happy John and Alex up into ashes. “I hope that you burn, Alexander,” John whispered. 

JOHN

He only turned around when he heard the door click shut, only let himself collapse to his knees when he was certain Alex was finally gone. He shut his eyes and leaned his head against the wall as he ran his hands down his teary face. He hadn’t been able to look at Alexander anymore, his dark eyes staring into his very soul. John had been scared that Alex would have been able to see through him. Would’ve been able to see past John. He was scared that Alex would’ve been able to hear the slight shake in his voice as he spoke. He hadn’t been lying. Every fucking word he’d said had been true. 

He was done.

He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t forgive Alex. Couldn’t let himself be vulnerable to something like this ever again. 

John wouldn’t put himself or Alex through this again.

He tilted his head and watched the letters and drawings and pictures burn in the flames. The gold fire drowning the papers. Destroying them.

It was over.

It was done.


	38. You Have Invented a New Kind of Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's called heartbreak, John. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to hurt like that. It's in the name."
> 
> Eliza says hi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi y'all. Sorry there hasn't been an update in a couple of days. I had a massive maths exam and you know your girl needed to slay it. I'm back now so...on with the heartbreak x

JOHN

John looked up from his toast, raising an eyebrow when he noticed Laf skittishly look away. "What?" John asked, trying his best not to roll his eyes, even though he knew perfectly well what it was. He just wanted to hear Laf admit it. His friend looked back, scraping his spoon against the bowl, John winced slightly at the sound, but Laf didn't even flinch.

" _What_?" Laf asked innocently, not meeting John's accusing stare.

"You were staring," John stated, running his tongue over his teeth. Laf bit his lip and shrugged, seeming casual, but John noticed the slight bob in his throat, betraying his nonchalant appearance. John arched his eyebrows up into his head. "You were _staring_ , Gilbert."

The corners of Laf's lips tugged up at the use of his other name, but he didn't completely smile. "I was _observing,_ " Laf said as he started peeling an banana. "There's a difference."

"Laf," John sighed, dropping the piece of toast he was holding onto his plate and leaning back folding his arms. "You know I-"

"Am I not allowed to look at you, Laurens?" Laf asked, a smirk on his lips. John didn't even acknowledge Laf's hollow and aimless flirting. It was Laf's back up; whenever he was backed into a corner, he turned on his simper. 

"Of course," John said through gritted teeth, his nostrils flaring before he said, "Just not when you're looking at me like I'm a wounded doe."

Laf rolled his eyes and started nibbling at his banana. He hated bananas, detested them, actually. But Herc had made him promise to eat one everyday, Laf needed more potassium apparently. "I just..." Laf trailed off, he obviously had no idea what he was trying to say. "I'm fine."John tried. Laf threw him an unconvinced stare.

"I'm _fine_ , Laf. Really," John said as he pushed himself off of the stool and stood. "I'm fine," He said again, turning slightly, back to Laf -sounding more like he was trying to convince himself than Lafayette. He turned around slowly to see Laf looking at him, lips pursed, face doubtful. "I'm fine," He repeated, trying to sound strong, both of them ignoring the slight wavering in his voice. "I'm fine."

They both knew he wasn't.

John had never thought that it could be possible to feel your heart physically break. To feel everything inside of him crush into a thousand pieces.

He had never thought it could be possible to feel...to feel this much _pain_.

Pushing his throbbing, aching and hurting... _everything_ , into the back of his head, he sighed deeply. He tried his best to smile when he saw Laf crinkling his nose at the banana he was holding. Laf just narrowed his eyes at him and raised an eyebrow at John's plate, now only the crusts were lying on it, and snorted. 

Laf was constantly teasing John for not liking crusts, but that was coming from a boy that didn't like bananas so John elected to ignore him. "You're such a dick," John muttered. Laf chuckled, but John could hear the falseness in it, Laf was forcing himself to laugh. John just rolled his eyes and made his way into his room, making to pack his satchel for his art class. He froze slightly in his threshold, his eyes warily looking the bed up at down. He was instantly pushed into a memory that he didn't want to remember.

"John?" 

John blinked, but he still saw him and Alex lying on the bed in his mind, shirts off, holding hands, John half asleep. John's heart caved in as he recounted the memory.

" _John_?" Alex had repeated, flicking John on the nose. John had just grunted tiredly in response. "I love you." Alex had said through a smile.

A sleepy smile had curved across John's mouth as he'd squeezed Alex's hand. "I think we've already been over this, Hamilton," John had murmured, eyes still shut. Alex had snorted, but had waited patiently for John to say it back.

John had slowly opened one eye, and even now, he could still see Alex's face smiling back down at him. " _I love you too, Alex_."

"Good," Alex had said, leaning over before he'd kissed John fast. "Because I'm taking a shower first, then I'm eating your slice of cake." There had been left over cake in John and Laf's fridge for weeks after Peggy had brought it to one of the Friday parties and none of them had been able to finish it.

"I don't like cake," John had hummed as Alex pushed himself off of the bed, letting go of John's hand. He didn't like cake. Especially now.

Alex had snorted. "When are you going to stop lying?" Alex had tittered as he'd grabbed a towel form John's drawer. "You can't _not like cake_ , Turtle." John had still been able to hear him as Alex had walked into the bathroom. "Everyone one loves cake."

John stumbled back slightly, his eyes watering at the memory. He gritted his teeth and pushed Alex, the lying, traitorous bastard out of his head. He hadn't let himself think about Alex for two weeks, since he'd uttered the words, ' _I hope that you burn, Alexander_ '

Hadn't let himself think about Alex, and if he did, he made sure that he only thought about the bad things, the shitty things. Because it was easier to hate Alexander Hamilton than admit he was still in love with him. Cause he was. One hundred percent. 

Hopelessly, traitorously and helplessly in love with Alexander Hamilton. 

And he hated himself for it.

ALEX

He hadn't talked to anyone in two weeks. No, that was a lie. He'd talked to Washington during the internship. Argued heartlessly with Jefferson and Madison. He's sniped and curtly talked to James Reynolds.

He tried to ignore James Reynolds. Tried to pretend that he didn't exist. Because if James Reynolds didn't exist, then maybe Maria would have a kind, loving boyfriend, and maybe Alex would still have _his_ kind and loving boyfriend.

Every time Alex was trapped in that room, seated alone at one side of the table, facing Jefferson and Burr (most of the time not even rising to the argument, not even taking the bait that Jefferson dangled in front of him), every time James fucking Reynolds opened his fucking mouth, every time James fucking Reynolds sat down in his fucking seat (the seat Alex had fucking _handed_ to him, because he was such a fucking coward), Alex felt like he was taking an icy dagger to the heart. 

And every time that Laf didn't pick up, or Herc just smiled at him in the hall, but kept walking as if they were only passing friends; that dagger got blunter and buried itself in further, making Alex want to cry until he couldn't cry anymore, until his tears were all dried up. 

Alex hadn't talked to anyone he _cared_ about in two weeks. Peggy and Angelica didn't answer. Herc and Laf ignored him in public, lips pursed and eyes slightly narrowed. As if they wanted to talk to him, but couldn't betray John like that. It was as if Herc and Laf wanted to reverse time, get everything back to when it was good. 

Alex would give anything to do that. To go back.

He sighed as he slid into his normal seat in the library and opened up his laptop that he knew he wasn't going to use. He slumped back, trying to ignore Jefferson and Madison staring at him from the counter. Alex turned and narrowed his eyes at them. Madison blushed and sat down in his seat, hiding behind the counter but Jefferson just stared back, arching an eyebrow. _Daring_ Alex to _fight him_ , _daring_ Alex to _say something_. Jefferson was doing that a lot lately, trying to drag Alex into arguments, trying to get Alex to engage. It was as if Jefferson was trying to _push_ the fight back into Alex. Even the person who hated him the most was noticing how shit he felt. Alex knew how shit he felt, and how shit he looked.

He knew he was too pale, and too underweight. He'd been able to see his ribs in the mirror that morning. He knew his eyes were too tired, that he had dark circles under his eyes, the result of the waking nightmares that plagued Alex's nights.

Alex held Jefferson's gaze, Jefferson's eyes twinkling and his smirk taunting Alex. He was tempted to hold his stare, to fight, to do _fucking something_. But he couldn't. He just sighed and looked away, turning back to his blank screen. He ran his tongue over his teeth and just leaned back into his chair, hugging his arms around him. He stayed like that for a couple of minutes, trying desperately hard to not think about John Laurens. Because when Alex thought about John Laurens; and his freckles and his square jaw and tooth gap and bright green eyes and broad shoulders and washboard body, Alex fell down a deep dark hole that took a couple of hours to scramble out of. It was easier to not think about John Laurens. Because he couldn't love John anymore, he'd given that up. 

But he was still hopelessly, completely and helplessly in love with John Laurens.

And he hated himself for ruining it.

He almost didn't notice the person sit down next to him. When he felt a presence next to him, he just sighed and started typing shit that wasn't registering in his brain, keeping his eyes on the screen.

"Hi." 

He looked to the side to see Eliza. He didn't say anything, his throat constricted, too shocked that she was sitting near him let alone talking to him. "What are you doing?" He finally managed to ask, his voice wavering slightly. He hadn't talked to Eliza in nearly a month, since that party where Alex and left with Maria. 

Eliza looked down at him, and smiled lightly, her teeth sparkling. "Talking to you," She shrugged, pulling out a book from her bag.

"Why?" Alex asked, his brows furrowing in genuine confusion.

Eliza glanced at him before she turned down to her book. "Because...because I'm _your_ friend too. Not just John's. And even though what you did was _horrendous, and horrific and terrible_." There was a pause as Alex looked away, the dagger shoving itself into his chest as Eliza spoke. He knew he deserved it, but hearing it from _Eliza_. That was hard. "I believe every one deserves a second chance," She finally said. 

"He won't give me one," Alex said softly, his throat bobbing as tears threatened to fall. Alex didn't have to say his name, they both knew who he was talking about.

Eliza pursed her lips. "I will." He looked up at her and tensed when she grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "I'll be your friend, Alexander."

ANGELICA

John and Angelica were the only ones who weren't roaring drunk. The only ones that weren't pissed out of their minds. John did have a bottle of Sam Adams dangling between his fingers, but he wasn't drinking from it. Just staring at it.

Herc, Peggy and Laf were all lying on the floor, Laf and Peggy's hair spread out around them. Angelica was searching through the fridge for any non-alchohlic drinks she could drink. She fucking hated being the designated driver. When she couldn't find any, she sighed, and just poured herself a glass of tap water. 

Peggy was giggling and Laf was roaring with laughter, rolling slightly on the floor. Herc was just smiling a restrained grin. John, on the other hand, was just sitting on the sofa, hugging his knees, his face a cast of depression. "What are you guys talking about?" Angelica asked, sitting down next to John.

She glanced sideways at him, her own face falling slightly when she saw his face. She knew he wasn't over Alex. It was extremely obvious. And even if it basically didn't say _'I still love my ex'_ on his forehead, it was evident in the way that he was trying to disappear into his hoodie. 

Nothing, John muttered, exasperation in his tone at the same time Laf said, “People John should make out with.”

"There are so many guys in the sea, John," Laf said, Peggy nodding along, smiling.

"Fish," John sighed, rolling his eyes from inside his hoodie. " _Fish_ in the sea."

"Why the fuck are you talking about _fish_? I'm talking _about guys_."

Angelica restrained her laugh, purely because John looked so miserable.

"You don't _get it,_ " John sighed, leaning even more into his sofa. "Every time I even think about him, it's like a kick to the stomach then a punch to the throat. It's _killing_ me," John said, looking away, finally admitting that he still wasn't over Alex, over what Alex had done to him.

His green eyes weren't bright anymore, but a dulled colour, glued to his feet. "It's called heartbreak, John," Angelica said, lightly placing her hand on his shoulder. "I'm pretty sure it's supposed to hurt like that. It's in the name."

"Yeah, there's only like a bazillion songs about it," Peggy said, empathy and pity painted on her drunk face.

"I just didn't think it would hurt this much. Not _this_ much," John muttered as he stood up.

Angelica's heart clenched. She was going to _kill_ Alexander Hamilton for doing this to John. How could he have been so stupid?

John loved an Icarus, and Alex had flown too close to the sun. Burning his wings, burning John, burning everything. 

She gritted her teeth as she watched John disappear into his room, hands in his pockets, trainers scuffing the ground, and heart in pieces.


	39. We In The Shit Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t play with fire, Alexander.”
> 
> Alex throws a punch.

THOMAS

Thomas watched from the bar as Alexander Hamilton walked in, Eliza Schuyler next to him, arms linked. Eliza’s hair was down and blowing in some invisible wind, like she was in some sort of shampoo ad. Alex was just smiling faintly at her, his smirk not reaching his dark eyes. 

Thomas sighed and turned around running his fingers around the rim of his drink. James was sitting beside him, his current book open on his lap, even though he was staring up at Thomas. “What?” Thomas asked, taking a long drink. James just glanced from Thomas to Hamilton and Schuyler, then back to Thomas, his eyebrow arched.

“You were staring at Hamilton again,” James observed, taking a small sip of his own drink.

“No I fucking wasn’t,” Thomas shook his head, scowling. James didn’t object or protest, he just gave Thomas a small smile and a look that said _I don’t believe you_. Thomas pouted, “I wasn’t fucking _staring_ at him, James!” 

James just nodded. Thomas clenched his jaw. James didn’t really talk, not really to anyone but Thomas. And even then eighty seven percent of their conversations were Thomas.

“It’s just weird. Isn’t it?” Thomas said, glancing sideways at Hamilton and Schuyler, who were now at a table, drinking. “Him being fucking _quiet_. Not arguing, not fighting, not standing up for _anything_. I just...we keep getting our way during this internship.”

“Is that not a good thing?” James asked, raising an eyebrow. Thomas sighed.

“That’s not the point and you know it. It’s just...weird. He’s always just...sad, now. Like Eyore. It’s just weird.”

James gave a restrained smile before he said, “I’d be careful Tom. It’s starting to sound like you actually care.”

Thoams snorted and shot his friend an incredulous look. “ _Please_. I just miss beating him. I like winning fairly, not because he’s too sad over being dumped to fight back.”

James just threw him a sidesmirk and opened his mouth to say something when he clamped it shut, his eyes darting to the door. James Reynolds had just walked in, Charles Lee and George Frederick next to him, smirking. Thomas didn’t care, but he knew that Hamilton probably would. But it was when he saw Maria trailing behind them, talking and laughing with Samuel Seabury that Thomas turned to James, eyes wide.

James bit his lip nervously, watching the group enter as Thomas gave a whistle. “Shit is gonna go _down_.” 

Thomas watched Hamilton look up, his eyes narrowing when he saw Lee. Charles ignored him and swept past, George behind him, smirking down at Hamilton who was showing his teeth. Hamilton bared his own teeth when his eyes fell on James Reynolds’. Thomas held his breath as Hamilton stood up, hands on the table and his muscles tight. James Reynolds just smirked and snorted before saying, “Alexander. How pleasant to see you.”

“Wish I could return the sentiment, Reynolds,” Hamilton snarled, Thomas noticing his dark eyes turn from a calm rage to an unruly wildness. So did Eliza, and Thomas watched as she placed a light hand on Hamilton’s arm. But Hamilton was too engrossed in Reynolds to notice, his fists clenched. 

But when he noticed Maria, when his eyes slid to hers and she looked down at the floor, hiding behind James; Hamilton’s face went slack. He took a step back, his hands clenching and unclenching, his throat bobbing. Eliza saw Maria aswell and stood up, tightly gripping Hamilton’s arm as if she could reign him back.

“ _Alex,_ ” Eliza murmured under her breath, warning lacing her tone, but Hamilton either ignored her or just didn’t hear her because his eyes had slid back to James Reynolds, his nostrils flaring.

Thomas turned to his own friend, who was looking at them anxiously. “Should we do something?” James asked, leaning closer to Thomas, who just shrugged. 

“What can we do? And anyway, it’s their business, not ours.” James looked like he wanted to argue, but Thomas had already turned back. 

“Ah, Alex. You’ve met my darling girlfriend Maria, haven’t you?” James smirked, his eyes cruel. Thomas noticed as James motioned for Maria to step out form behind him, and that was when he swore to himself that if James lay a hand on Maria, Thomas wouldn’t even hesitate to step in. 

Hamilton didn’t answer, just kept his eyes trained on James, his dark eyes full of rage and hatred and fury. He looked like he wanted to tear James’ head off. James didn’t look like he cared, he just slowly looked from Maria, who looked like she wanted to cry, and to Hamilton. “Ah, yes. You have met. When you _fucked_ each other. I almost forgot.” Thomas detected a hint of anger in James’ voice but as soon as it had appeared, it disappeared, replaced with snarky and cruel amusement. “Silly. Me.”

Thomas watched as Sam shifted from foot to foot, obviously not wanting to be there, and George and Lee were just watching, their lips tugged into slight smiles.

Maria bit her lip, and Thomas saw Hamilton glance at her, his face hardening even more. “Fuck you, Reynolds,” Hamilton snarled, shrugging off Eliza’s hand. 

James growled and let the anger finally take over his whole face. “Don’t play with fire, Alexander,” He said, too quietly, too calmly. “You’re gonna get burned.” 

Hamilton didn’t say anything, just stared. “You’re a piece of fucking shit,” He muttured finally. Thomas saw James snap. He snarled at Sam, George and Lee, told them that they were going, but Lee snorted and said that James could go fuck himself, they were staying. James narrowed his eyes and grabbed Maria’s wrist, obviously too hard because Maria winced and slightly bend down, her face paling and her eyes going wide.

Thomas was up in a second, ignoring James calling his name from the bar. “Let her go,” Thomas said, staring down at James, his voice steady and calm.

James just gave a huff of humourless amusement, and narrrowed his eyes at Thomas. “She’s my girlfriend.” 

Thomas ran his hand through his hair and just shrugged. “I don’t give a fuck what you think she is to you, let her go.” James gritted his teeth before he released her, Maria freezing for a moment before she walked into Thomas’ open arms. He held his friend tightly, ignoring James’ snarl.

It was only when Alex stepped away from Eliza, and stood next to James Reynolds that Thomas lightly led Maria away, back to the bar and James. Thomas didn’t let go of Maria as he watched Hamilton’s fist connect with Reynold’s jaw, then his foot slamming into Lee’s stomach.

Thomas’ stomach clenched and he looked to James, who just nodded before he lightly tugged Maria out of the bar. James followed them and looked back once before he stepped out onto the street. “Should’ve seen that coming,” He muttured.

Thomas nodded and lightly pushed Maria away, holding her at arms length to look down at her. Her face was teary and her lips were wavering. “I did this, Tom. I ruined everything, I fucked everything up. I’m such a horrible person, Tom,” She breathed. Thomas shook his head and pulled her into a hug, wrapping his arms tight around her.

“No. No, you’re not. It’s not your fault, Maria,” He said into her hair. Maria stiffened but she didn’t object, just wrapped his arms around his waist, sniffing. 

Thomas looked over at James, who was just staring down at his feet, his face sad. He looked up, meeting Thomas’ eyes and opening his mouth but was interrupted when the pub door slammed open and a bleeding James Reynolds walked out, Lee and George carrying his weight, Sam pale faced walking behind them, biting his lip. Reynolds didn’t even bother to look at Maria, too busy groaning and cursing Hamilton. She looked at him, pulling slightly away from Thomas, but she didn’t make a movement to follow him, just stayed in Thomas’ embrace. 

A minute later, Alexander Hamilton stumbled out, Eliza Schuyler holding him up. Hamilton seems to be slipping in and out of consciousness and Eliza kept looking at him, worry plastered on her face. She didn’t see them at first, but after a second she faced James, ignoring Thomas and Maria, and said to him, “Can you please... hold him, I need to...I need to make a call.” James just nodded and slung his arm around Hamilton’s waist.

“Alex,” Maria whispered and made to take a step towards him but Thomas just shook his head and said, “Don’t. It might...it might make it worse.” Maria paused for a second before she nodded and excused herself, before she started to walk down the street, following her boyfriend and his friends. 

Thomas watched her until she caught up with them, and then he turned around on his heels and sighing, helped James hold up Hamilton. James didn’t even thank him, he was too busy gazing at Eliza. He’d always had a crush on her. Thomas rolled his eyes and looked down at Hamilton, frowning when he noticed the blood dripping from Hamilton’s mouth. 

He didn’t know who had ended up worse in that fight; Hamilton or Reynolds. The one thing he didn’t know was that Hamilton was in the shit now.

 


	40. Hands Started Fidgeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you...are you okay?"
> 
> "Not yet. Not fully. But I think I'm starting to get there."
> 
> Laf and Herc drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm going to start updating every two days now, sorry guys x but I've got exams coming up that I need to concentrate on

HERCULES

"I won't hesitate." 

Herc just shrugged, smirking at Laf as he folded his arms. "You're _already_ hesitating, Gilbert."

Laf raised an an eyebrow as he looked down at Herc's beanie in his hand, dangling over the trashcan. Laf had been threatening to bin Herc's hat for weeks now. It seemed he'd finally snapped. Herc was impressed, he'd thought it would've taken less time.

Laf huffed and let the hat drop for a bit before he caught it again. "Fine, I'll probably hesitate. But I'll still do it. I'll do it, Mulligan. _Don't fucking test me_."

Herc rolled his eyes and lunged forward, grabbing the hat out of his hand before Laf could drop it. He held Laf's gaze as he pulled the hat over his hair, sticking his tongue out. Laf pursed his lips, trying to hide his smile as he lightly pushed Herc away, his fingers lingering on Herc's chest for longer than needed. They both made eye contact, Laf blushing and Herc grinning. Laf bit his lip and Herc burst out into laughter, only to be cut off by Angelica in the living room.

"Can you both please shut. The. F _uck. Up_?"

Laf looked into the living room before he strode past Herc and fell down onto the sofa next to Angelica. Herc walked into the doorway and leaned against the threshold, folding his arms. Angelica was sitting on the sofa, legs crossed, notes and textbooks lying all around her. Her hair was falling out of a messy bun, a pencil stuck in the middle of it. Her dark eyes was trained onto her books, trying her best to ignore Laf, who was pulling at her hair. She scowled and pushed her glasses back onto her nose. She only needed glasses for reading, and Herc knew she detested having to wear them. Laf knew too, but he obviously didn't care as he took the glasses off of her face and smirked. "How many fingers am I holding up?" Laf asked, holding up three fingers right in front of her. Angelica looked up, and narrowed her eyes at him, shutting her book with an angry slam. "I don't know but if you don't give them back, I'll _break_ them all."

Laf ran his tongue over his teeth and just snorted when Angelica grabbed them, punching him on the shoulder. "You're such a dick," She muttered. They stayed like that for a couple of hours, Angelica studying on the sofa and Herc on the other, reading. Laf was in the kitchen, singing as he made dinner. Herc looked up a couple of times, smiling faintly as Laf floated around the kitchen, chopping tomatoes and onions. Herc stomach grumbled when Laf called them to the dining table. 

John appeared, hair a curly mess and eyes tired as Laf laid the plates out on the table. Herc sat down instantly, and jolted his legs up and down, waiting for everyone else to sit the fuck down so he could eat. The spaghetti was taunting him, staring up at him. Laf slid down into the seat next to him, after he'd practically pulled Angelica off of the sofa and away from her books. She sat down across from Herc, looking at her pasta for a second before she started pushing her fork around in it, crinkling her nose. John lingered, his eyes gazing on the table before they stopped on the seat that had used to be Alex's.

John was doing that a lot lately. He sometimes froze, his eyes jumping over random objects, or stumbling over certain words or phrases. He was adamant that he was fine. Adamant that it didn't mean anything. Whenever it happened, John would just shrug it off, and say that he merely zoned out. But Herc knew what it really was. He knew that when John hesitated going into his room at night he was thinking about how he used to share that room, but now slept alone. 

John blinked and pushed himself off of the threshold and sat down, jaw clenched as he started eating.

"You can really taste the arrogance in the sauce," Angelica rolled her eyes and stabbed her food with her fork.

"It's pronounced _tuh-may-toes,_ " Laf said, keeping a straight face as he started shovelling the spaghetti into his mouth. Herc opened his mouth to retort, when his phone rang. He dropped his cutlery, and pulled his phone out of his pocket and bit his lip when he saw Eliza's name blinking up at him. "No phones at the table," Laf said, mouth open and full of tuh-may-toes.

Angelica rolled her eyes, still in a bad mood from studying for hours on end. "No eating with your mouth open," She sniped. Herc ignored them as he picked up and held his phone to his ear.

"Hey." 

"God, Herc. Where are you?" 

"Laf's-"

"It doesn't matter. I need you to get here now." Her voice was strained and her tone was worried. "Like _now_ , now. An hour ago, _now,_ " She said before she muttered to the side. "Thomas, stop that!"

"Why are you with Jefferson?" Herc asked, shrugging to Angelica who was staring at him.

Eliza ignored him and just repeated herself. "Hercules, you need to drive over here right _now_."

"Eliza, what is happening? What's wrong?"

A pause before she said quietly, "It's Alexander."

" _Alexander,_ " Herc repeated, meeting John's eyes. John's throat bobbed and he bit his lip before he looked down at his plate, dropping his fork into the plate.

"He...he got into a fight with James Reynolds."

" _James. Reynolds,_ " Herc said through gritted teeth, widening his eyes at Laf and Angelica. Laf was keeping still, his face full of wrath, as if he was trying to keep himself from punching the table. Angelica's face had paled and she was fidgeting, her fingers curled around her hair. 

"Yes," Eliza said, before her tone started to change to a beg. " _Please_ , Herc. I don't have a car and he's bleeding and-"

Herc had heard enough. "Okay. _Okay_. Where are you?" He asked, standing up, his chair scraping against the floor. 

"The King's Men," Eliza muttered. 

" _The King's fucking Men_ , Eliza? What the fuck are you doing there?"

"Does it matter?" Eliza asked, avoiding the question. " _Please_ , Herc. Please hurry."

"I'm coming. Stay there." He said before he hung up, turning to face his friends. 

"Where are you going?" John asked softly, looking up at Herc from under his eyelashes. It hurt Herc whenever he looked at John. He didn't really look like John anymore. His bright green eyes weren't bright anymore, but a subdued faded colour. His freckles didn't glow anymore, and his skin had turned from a tawny to a grey. His hair was tied back and messy. He looked like an years older, tired, sadder John Laurens.

Herc bit his lip, looking over at Angelica and Laf, who were both looking down, before he gulped and said, “Alex is in trouble.”

John flinched slightly, and blinked. “In _trouble_?” He asked tentatively. 

“He got into a fight with James Reynolds, apparently,” He said, unsure of John’s calm reaction. 

“You should probably go then,” John shrugged, picking up his fork even though he didn’t eat anymore food. He just stared down at his plate and pushed it around. Herc looked to Laf, trying to signal for him to get the _fuck up and follow him_. As if Laf could hear his thoughts, he stood up. “I’ll come with you,” He said, looking at Angelica, who just nodded and stayed in her seat, before he walked with Herc to the door.

They drove in silence, and Herc narrowed his eyes at Laf as he watched his friend tap his fingers against the seat. His eyebrows were furrowed and his lips pursed. "Maybe we should've stayed," Laf muttered, sheepishly looking up at Herc. Herc didn't reply, mostly because he didn't know what to say. He didn't really know himself what they should do. He just knew what they were going to do. They _had_ to help. "If he's in trouble...we have to help him, Laf."

Laf clenched his jaw, and just nodded, turning back to face the road. Herc sighed lightly, but kept driving, tightening his grip on the wheel. He swore under his breath as they pulled up outside of The King's Men. Eliza was standing, tears slowly falling down her face and leaning on James Madison, his arm loosely around her waist, while his other arm was holding up Alex. Alex looked like shit; his mouth split and his whole face was smeared with bright red blood, his hair a mess and his eyes shut. Jefferson was holding Alex up on the other side, but he didn't look as if he was holding up an unconscious and bleeding guy. He was picking at his nails and looking bored.   

Laf was already out of the car by the time Herc had gotten his seatbelt off. "You can leave now," Laf was saying to Jefferson, eyes narrowed. 

"Hey, _I_ don't want to be here, okay. I was helping _your_ friend," Jefferson said, eyebrows arched. 

"Good for you, Jefferson. Gotta do one good thing at least once a year, right? Balance out the pissing everyone else off? Now get the fuck. Out. Of. Here," Laf asked. Neither of them were smiling. Jefferson snarled. Herc had to remind himself not to roll his eyes as he stepped in-between them both. He'd never realised how similar they looked, especially when they were both angry.

"Fuck off, Jefferson," Herc said, his voice strong. Jefferson just sighed and stepped away from Alex, letting him fall forward, almost collapsing onto the sidewalk. Madison gritted his teeth, his arm falling from Eliza so he could hold Alex up alone. Laf growled and took Jefferson's spot, looking down at Alex with an emotion in his eyes that Herc couldn't name. Herc gingerly thanked Madison before he took his spot and helped Laf practically drag the unconscious Alex into his car.

"If he gets blood on my seats, I'll kill him," Herc said to Eliza as she slid in the passenger seat next to him. She didn't reply, just looked behind her, watching Laf watch Alex, who was indeed, bleeding out onto Herc's seats.

ELIZA

She hated hospitals. Hated the general cleanliness of it all. Hated the mechanical beeps. Hated walking past crying people, unable to help them. She hated it. 

She hated Alex being here. 

She was sitting across from Laf and Herc. Laf's legs were bouncing and his feet were tapping. Herc looked he wanted to ask him to stop by the way he kept glancing at Laf, but he didn't, he just looked down at his phone, gulped and slid it back into his pocket, electing to ignore whatever he'd seen. He noticed Eliza watching him, but just offered a faint smile before he announced that he was going to get some water. Eliza and Lafayette were left alone. He looked up, bringing his head out of his hands and his eyes met Eliza's. He looked like he was trying not to scowl before he looked away, folding his arms. Eliza didn't think Laf had forgiven Eliza for hanging out with Alexander, and practically ignoring her other friends, Laf included. 

She tried to think of something to say, but nothing sounded right. She hadn't picked Alex over John, no matter what Laf thought. But John...John had Lafayette and Hercules. And her sisters. Alex had no one. So she'd take Laf's silence, she hadn't been about to leave Alex spiralling. She looked around, at where they were. Maybe she hadn't done the best at keeping Alex's spiralling at bay.

Her chest tightened when the doctor walked out. She jumped up, pulling her skirt down, at the same time Laf stood slowly, his face bank of emotion. "Is he-" Eliza started.

"He's fine," He clarified, nodding his head. "Won't be feeling great tomorrow, but he'll live. He had to have stitches and he has a bruised rib. But he'll live. He'll be out soon." Eliza sighed in relief, leaning against the wall as her knees threatened to buckle. "Do either of you know one of Alexander's parents' numbers?" He asked, looking down at his clipboard as he flipped through pages. "I don't seem to have any written down."

Eliza glanced at Laf to see him biting his lip. "He...uh...he doesn't have any. He was in the care system," Laf said, his hands starting to fidget. The doctor just nodded and said something under his breath that Eliza didn't catch but Laf seemed to, because he nodded and sat back down on the seat, and the doctor vanished down the corridor. Eliza opened her mouth about a hundred times, but could never find the right words to say, so she kept quiet. They both did until Herc reappeared, Laf telling them what the doctor had said.

They sat in silence until Alex walked out of his room, rubbing his head and scowling. Eliza cringed, he didn't look particularly well. He had angry red lines, which she figured were stitches, across his eyebrow and on his chin. His lips was spilt and he had a bright blue black eyes. His hair was knotted and hanging down, and he was pulling on it, avoiding all three of their gazes. 

"You look like shit, Hamilton," Laf said, and Eliza noticed Herc step closer to Lafayette, fists clenched. 

Alexander didn't reply, he just looked down, suddenly very interested in his shoes. "Why'd you do it?" Herc asked, his gentle tone a contrast from Laf's sharp words. Eliza bristled, they all knew Herc wasn't asking about the fight. Alex gulped and looked up, scratching the back of his neck. "I don't know," He said it so quietly it was almost a whisper.

" _Bullshit,_ " Laf snarled. Alex flinched. Herc put a light hand on Laf's shoulder, and Laf seemed to relax. Slightly.

"I never..." Alex trailed off, unclenching and clenching his hands. "I know what I did was shit, and unforgivable. And I know, I don't deserve forgiveness. Don't deserve anything. I'm not...I'm not asking for anything. I'm not asking for anything anymore, okay?" Alex bared his teeth, and shook his head and Eliza couldn't tell if it was at himself or Laf. "I'm sorry. I'm. Sorry. What more can I do?"

Laf looked at Alex before he just nodded his head, running his tongue over his teeth. "Okay," He said, gently.

"What?" Alex asked, eyes wide.

"Okay," Laf shrugged. "Let's go. I'm missing Game of Thrones." Eliza, Alex and Herc watched as Laf spun on his heels and walked, or maybe swaggered would be a better word for the way Laf sauntered down the corridor, hands in his back pockets. Alex watched him, mouth slightly open before he looked up at Herc, his face a cast of confusion. "I think that was his way of forgiving you," Herc guessed, before he followed Laf, not saying if _he_ forgave Alex.

Alex watched as Herc caught up with Laf and started softly talking to him, Laf just shrugging before he started limping after them. Eliza bit her lip, before she pushed her hair behind her ears and made after them, lightly grabbing his arms. She let go when Alex winced and hissed in pain, biting on his lip. "Sorry," She apologised before he looked up at her, eyebrow arched. "Are you...are you okay?" She asked. Alex pushed his tongue into his cheek before he glanced to the side, watching Laf and Herc disappear around the corner after they gestured for Alex and Eliza to follow them. He looked back at Eliza and smiled gently, which was the first time Eliza had seen Alex truly smile in weeks, and lightly wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "Not yet. Not fully," He said. "But I think I'm starting to get there."


	41. Forgivness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You look like shit."
> 
> Henry talks some sense for once.

JOHN

Angelica kept looking at him. 

John sighed deeply and shut his book, looking at Angelica, eyebrow raised. All of his friends kept staring at him warily. As if they thought he was going to burst into flames. "Sorry," Angelica murmured, biting her lips and shrugging apologetically. At least she apologised, Lafayette tried to fucking _justify_ acting like John was made of glass. 

"It's fine," John dismissed it. It was easier to ignore it than to address it. He was just hoping that everyone would stop tiptoeing around him. Angelica ran her fingers through her hair and looked like she wanted to protest, maybe poke John and try and get him to talk about it. But she saw the stubborn look on his face and just sighed, and went back to her notes, starting to scribble again. John gritted his teeth, and contemplated giving her some words of encouragement, but his heart wasn't in it.

Instead, he stood up, pulled his converse on and declared, "I'm gonna take a walk." Angelica looked up at him, eyebrows bunched, as if she was debating whether to let him go. As if she was wondering if Laf would kill her when he came back and found John gone. "I'll be fine," He said as he walked into the hall. "I'm just going for a walk. I'll be back in like ten minutes." He opened the door before she could stop him, exhaling when he shut it behind him.

He walked down the stairs, walked down the street and just kept walking. He silently cursed himself for not taking his earphones. Since he didn't have anything to do, and he didn't really know where he was going, he just idly looked around. It was pretty late at night, so really the only people around were drunk students. He passed a couple of people he recognised from his Criminal Law class but only some of them recognised him, because the rest of them were singing loudly and laughing; content in their own drunk, happy and fun bubble. "Laurens!" One of the guys shouted, smiling brightly as he slung an arm around one of his friends.

"John! Hey!" One of the girls said, grinning prettily, dimples crinkling as she paused behind to talk to him. But John wasn't really in the mood for talking, especially with slightly drunk college students. 

"Hi," He smiled as he kept walking on, waving lightly. A slight drop of guilt drizzled down into him as a flash of hurt snapped across her face as he walked past. But it quickly left. John didn’t really feel anything anymore. He was empty inside. No anger, no sadness, no nothing. Just an empty husk. 

He absently looked around as he let his feet walk. A couple more people passed him; a guy carrying a girl in his arms as she kissed his jaw, a group of boys on skateboards and a dad with his daughter on his shoulders. The little girl waved at John as she giggled. He dint wave back, just kept walking. 

John didn't realise where he was going until he got there. He was standing outside of the garden. Alex's garden. _Their_ garden.

He gritted his teeth, and told himself to turn away, to walk the fuck away. But his fingers and his heart didn't listen to his head as his fist banged once on the gate's handle, just like he'd done about thirty times in the winter, when he’d come here with Alex. The gate swung open and John told himself to shut it, to walk away, but once again; he found himself ignoring himself, because he was suddenly inside, the gate slowly clicking shut behind him.

It looked exactly the same.

John's stomach twisted as he looked around, he'd never been here before without Alex. Never been here without holding Alex's hand. He felt a bit queasy, it felt like he was cheating by being here alone. That made John clench his jaw, he hadn't been the one to cheat.

He found himself sitting in the gazebo, his hands running down the wood before he hesitated, his breath hitching. 

_A.H & J.L_

He gulped as he traced his initials with his now trembling fingers. He wondered when Alex had done this. When he'd carved both of their names into the wood in their gazebo. If he’d done it before or after. Wondered how long it had taken him. If he'd spent more time on this than fucking Maria. How long had it taken Alex to decide to throw away their relationship, John wondered as he looked at the carving through teary eyes. He pulled his hand away quickly, feeling like he'd been burned. 

He stood up quickly, slamming the iron gate behind him as he walked out. He didn’t look back.

The same time John walked up to the outside of their apartment building, a car pulled up. Herc's car.

Everything John had been thinking about disappeared as he ran up to the car. Alex had been in trouble. What did that even mean? Was he okay? Was he hurt? What had happened?

The window of the passenger seat slid down, and John exhaled when he saw Laf's face half smiling, half grimacing, looking up at him. "Is he okay?" John asked quietly, looking into Laf's dark eyes, hating himself for even asking. Hating himself for caring what happened to Alexander Hamilton.

Laf gulped before the back window opened. John expected Laf to say, yeah, he's fine. John did not expect Laf to say, why don't you ask him yourself, and he did not expect to see Alexander sitting in the back seat, staring back at John, his eyes wide and pleading. John gulped and took a step back, but he couldn't seem to tear his gaze away from Alex. He had stitches and a black eye and dry, dark blood caked in a crease of his nose. A hundred thoughts raced through John's head all at once, and John was unable to catch any of them, let alone speak.

"You look like shit," John finally said to Alexander, breaking the still air, biting his bottom lip. Alex smiled slightly, the tips of his lips turning up before they turned into a light frown. John suddenly remembered when Alex and said that to John; the first time they'd held hands. The first time John had actually _seen_ Alex.

As he looked at Alex now, he realised that Alex was remembering the same thing. He opened his mouth to say something, maybe to beg for forgiveness, but John had already turned back to Laf, as he took another step back. "I'll see you inside," He muttered before he turned around, slamming open the door, leaving Alex behind. His heart smashing against his chest as if it wanted to break out and run back to Alex.

 

"I'll be back before classes start. I promise," John said as he walked through the kitchen, picking up his keys from the counter. Laf followed him and jumped in front of John, blocking the door. John narrowed his bright green eyes up at Laf, but Laf just narrowed his right back.

"Classes start back in a week," Laf said. John sighed and stepped under Laf's arm and pushed open the door. "Laurens, _mon ami. Why_ are you even going?" He asked from the threshold. John paused on the first step to look back.

"They're moving. They asked for my help. It'd be a dick move to _not_ go." 

Laf didn't say anything, just folded his arms, a doubtful look on his face. John rolled his eyes, "It's just dad and Mary now. They can't stay in that house. It's too big. And even if it didn't have like twenty rooms. It's too...hard for them to stay there." There was a pause as John hunched his bag over his shoulder and Laf stared at him, a half pitiful, half slightly mad look on his face. “What about...” Laf trailed off.

“What about _what_?” John asked.

“What about Alex?” John held his breath. He knew Laf and Herc were starting to talk to Alex again and John wasn’t mad. Herc and Laf were Alex’s friends too. He couldn’t fault them for being there for him too, especially after last night. John just shrugged, “What about him?”

“He could’ve died last night, John,” Laf muttured.

“And that’s my problem _how_ exactly?” John asked, trying to keep his voice from wavering. 

“He still loves you,” Was all Laf said as he looked at John. John didn’t think he was breathing anymore. He didn’t think his heart was beating anymore.

“Well...he should’ve thought about that before he fucked Maria,” John hissed, before he shook his head, sighing tiredly. He couldn’t take his anger and frustration out on Laf. It wasn’t his fault. “I’ll see you in a week,” John said.

Laf just said, okay, but he said it in a way that made John doubt very much that Laf thought it was okay. "I'll see you in a week," John repeated, waved to Laf, who just sighed and watched John until he got to the very last step.

He _was_ going to help Henry help his dad and Mary move, but he didn't go back to his old house first. He had to take a detour. 

When they pulled up to Evergreen Cemetery, John thanked the driver and got out, pulling his bag over his shoulders. He shut the door, and paused on the sidewalk until the taxi drove away.

He looked up at the massive iron gates, silence surrounding him, before he walked in, suddenly feeling cold and slightly queasy. John hated graveyards. Evergreen Cemetery was an old graveyard. Rows of tombstones stood erect in silence to the left and right, in front and behind, like a sea of the dead, trying to drown him. Some were crumbled with the weathering of centuries, some were smooth marble with new black writing and laid with floral tributes. Most though, were overgrown and unkempt, for now even their mourners had joined them under the clay soil.

Even though the slight wind made John shiver, he started walking, and kept walking until he reached his mum's grave. He knelt down, and unzipped his bag, pulling out the tulips he'd bought at the airport. They were slightly squished, but he doubted that his mum would’ve minded. She loved tulips, especially yellow ones. That’s what she had called John. Her little tulip.

As he lay the bright flowers down against the headstone, the brilliant yellow shone against all of the depressing grey. "Hi mum," He muttered, his hands on his knees. "Hi James, hi Marth." 

Even though his siblings had been cremated, their names had also been engraved on the Laurens headstone, next to their mum's name. He sat in silence for a moment, before tears started to stream down his face, clinging to his jaw before they dropped onto the ground. "I miss you," He said to all of them. "I don't really know why I'm even here." He wiped at his wet cheeks. "I wish you could've met him, Martha." John said quietly, the wind stealing away his words. "But you're gone. And now he's gone too," He sighed, and ran his hands through his hair.

He wondered what would have been different if Martha had lived. If maybe, somehow, him and Alex would still be together. He wondered if she would've gotten back with that fucking twat Jake. "I guess us Laurenses aren't very good at picking 'em, eh Marth? Jake was a dick. Turns out Alex is too." He tried a laugh, but it was hoarse and lacked any humour. "I don't know what to do, Marth. I miss him. So much. I miss you Martha. I miss you all. Why does everyone keep leaving me?" He said, his voice slightly increasing in volume in frustration.

"You shouldn't shout in a graveyard. It's considered impolite." 

John turned to see Henry standing behind him, arms folded and scowling. John just sighed and turned back to face the grave. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough," Henry replied. John bristled and stood when he heard Henry take a step froward. He brushed the dry specks of dirt off of his jeans before he straightened and looked at Henry. His brother looked better than the last time he'd seen him. At the funeral. His hair was back to combed, he was back to his normal, healthy weight, and his skin wasn't pale anymore. The only thing that was the same about his brother was that scowl. John knew Henry still hadn't forgiven him for leaving after James and Mary had died, but John didn't care. He wasn't asking for forgiveness. Henry could fuck himself.

"How much did you hear?" John asked, folding his arms, mirror to Henry. 

"Enough," His brother shrugged, face slightly bored. 

"Why are you here?" John asked, speaking before he thought. Henry's face went slightly stormy, his brows lowering. 

"Am I not allowed to visit my family's _grave_?" John snarled, eyes narrowed. 

John frowned. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that." He apoligised, putting his hands in his pockets as he stepped to the side, letting Henry walk forward and bend down to the grave. “I came to...I don’t know. I guess...to just talk,” Henry said, quiet. Even with him facing away from him, John saw Henry’s shudder slightly. “It still doesn’t feel real. I still can’t believe that they’re gone. That we never got to say goodbye.” 

John nodded slowly as Henry stood up, running his fingers down the grave, and stood next to John, both of them standing at the grave. Silent.

It wasn’t forgiveness, not even close, and it wasn’t them declaring that they liked each other, because they both knew they didn’t. But it was an understanding. The two brothers both understood each other, and their actions, as they looked at the headstone, their family’s name carved into it.

“For what it’s worth...” Henry said as the walked out of the graveyard together. “I think you should forgive him.”

“What?” John asked, brow arched.

Henry just shrugged, facing forward. “Alexander.” John’s breath hitched. “I don’t know what he did. And I highly doubt that you’ll tell me.” John wasn’t going to. “But...he’s a good guy.” John wasn’t sure about that anymore. “Whatever it is...whatever he did, I mean, it was probably a mistake. He was there for you...for me and Mary, who he didn’t even know, when... you know...Martha was in hospital. He dropped everything to be with you.” That was true, John guessed. “To stay with you. I’d kill for someone like that.”

John didn’t say anything, so Henry continued.

“I mean, I didn’t like him...but that probably means he’s perfect for you. Whatever he did...whatever made you break up or whatever...just...be sure that it’s worth losing him. Because he looked at you like he loved you.” 

Henry stopped talking when they reached the gates, and just paused, looking up at John for the first time since they’d left the grave. “Don’t lose someone else...someone who loves you, over something stupid,” He paused and looked back into the graveyard, at all of the neatly rowed gravestone. “Life’s too short. One day we’ll end up here, and you’ll look back on the things you let slip in between your fingers. Don’t let Alexander slip away, John.” Then he just turned and walked out, not waiting or checking to see if John was following him. 

John gulped, and thought about what Henry had said. None of his friends had told or even suggested to John that maybe he should forgive Alex. They’d just walked around him like he was a dying bird. Like he was glass. John hadn’t even let himself believe that forgiving Alex was an option. But Henry’s blunt words changed everything. Or did they change nothing?

Maybe life _was_ too short. Maybe it was stupid to spend the rest of his life telling himself he hated Alexander Hamilton, when really he was still in love with him. 

As John walked past the gates, as he made up his mind about what he was going to do, his heart clenched and fluttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is there forgiveness on the horizon? Lol


	42. He Takes His Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Try. Just say something. Say anything. Just try, Alex."
> 
> Alex holds someone's hand.

JOHN

John went to knock on the door, but his fist just hovered and he pulled it back. He ran his tongue over his teeth before he sighed, turned around and debated leaving. He went to walk away when Henry's words relentlessly rang around his head.

_“Life’s too short. One day we’ll end up here, and you’ll look back on the things you let slip in between your fingers. Don’t let Alexander slip away, John.”_

He slowly spun back around, and deeply exhaled before he pinched the bridge of his nose. He should just knock. He could just talk to him. It was just _talking_. But what would he even say? _God_ , this was stupid. He should just leave. Yeah, that's what he should do. _Leave_. John gritted his teeth and told himself to take a step away, but his feet were rooted to the floor.

He smiled awkwardly when two guys walked past, arching their eyebrows at John hovering in the doorway of dorm 931. He looked insane, just hanging about the door, not knocking but just shifting his weight from foot to foot.

_"Be sure that it’s worth losing him."_

John sighed in frustration as Henry's voice sounded in his mind. How the fuck had his snide, angry little brother, Henry Laurens, been the voice of reason? How had his advice made more sense than Lafayette or Angelica’s?

_“I think you should forgive him.”_

Maybe it was too soon for forgiveness, but...but John wanted to hear Alex out. Without shouting, or crying, or slamming doors. He bit his lip and rolled back his shoulders before he tapped on the door. He did it quickly, and only knocked once, before he could change his mind. He gulped when the door slowly opened, his heart smashing against his chest. 

But John frowned and rolled his eyes when _Jefferson_ opened the door. He hadn’t thought about what to do if Alex didn’t answer the door, or what to do if Alex wasn’t here. Jefferson’s eyes widened when he first saw John, and his mouth gaped open. "Laurens?" He asked, his voice quiet, as if not quite believing what he was seeing. "You do know...you do know who lives here, right?" Jefferson asked, arching an eyebrow at John and smirking. "Your _ex-boyfriend_. You are here to see him right?”

John narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. " _Obviously,_ " He said, clenching his fists.

Jefferson smirked even more and went to speak when someone called from inside. "Who is it?" Jefferson just pushed the door open slightly, revealing Madison lying on the floor, feet against Jefferson's bed as he held a book above his head.

"Laurens," Jefferson said, his voice louder. John watched Madison's mouth fall open before he turned his head, but John couldn't see what he was looking at, because the door was covering most of the room. Everything was completely silent for a moment, until there was a crash from the room and Alexander appeared. He was obviously on his toes, and was trying to see over Jefferson's shoulder. John flinched when their eyes met. Dark brown crashing against bright green. Alex bit his lip before he dropped back onto his feet and pushed Jefferson out of the way.

Jefferson just snorted and rolled his eyes, but he gestured with his head to Madison, who stood up and followed Jefferson out of the room. John only let himself look at Alex when he was sure that Jefferson and Madison had walked down the stairs and they were alone. He slowly turned and his breath hitched when he looked at Alex. He was just as devastatingly handsome as he'd been the first time John had seen him. His eyes were dark and hungry, his hair was in a loose bun and he had dark stubble on his chin. "John," Alex breathed, but he said it so quietly John didn't know if he'd imagined it.

"The one and only," John said anyway, his southern drawl equally soft. 

Alex swallowed and just nodded, his hair falling in his face. Alex had the longest neck John had ever seen. His chin jutted out and his Adam's apple caught; it made John's heart flutter. But he pushed away thoughts of fluttering hearts and Adam's apples and dark hair out of his head as he followed Alex into his room. They both stood in the middle of the room, in-between the beds, John’s feet feeling heavy. Alex was scratching his neck and staring at John. He wondered if Alex knew he was staring, or if he was so surprised that John was there that he didn't care.

John just too there and slung his hands into his pockets as he looked around, face blank and emotionless. The air was still and absolute silence surrounded them as they stood there; John desperately trying to not look at Alex while Alex did the opposite and stared at John. The only thing John could hear was Alex's deep and heavy breathing before John muttered, "Your room's still a state." 

It was. Alex’s desk was covered in open books and loose papers. There were post it notes all over Alex’s wall, his cursive handwriting making John’s toes curl in his shoes.

Alex looked like he wanted to laugh at what John had said, but he kept his face still, his dark eyes pained. He didn't say anything. Maybe he didn't know what to say. Or maybe he just wanted, or maybe _needed_ , to hear what John had come to say. "This...this isn't me forgiving you," John said, finally looking into Alex's eyes. "I mean...I don't _think_ this is me forgiving you. I'm just here...I guess, I don't know _why_ I'm here," He trailed off. "I guess I'm here to...hear you out," He said softly as he folded his arms and looked down, unable to meet Alex’s eyes anymore.

Alex didn't say anything.

John looked up and swallowed as he watched Alex bite his bottom lip and run his hands through his hair. 'I don't know what to say." John arched an eyebrow and narrowed his eyes, shaking his head lightly.

"You don't know. What. To. Say?" He asked, trying to keep the anger out of his voice. Alex shook his head and took a small step towards John.

"No. No. That's not what I mean. I have a _million_ things to say. I have a million thoughts running through my head right now. But none of them...I don't think any of them will be _enough_. I don't think I can say anything to get you to stay," Alex said. He was talking quickly and his eyes were slightly watering. "I don't know what to say to keep you here. I've...I've gone over this a hundred times. I've dreamt about the moment where you'll let me explain myself, let me talk to you. I've dreamt about this moment, imagined seeing you again. But....but now it's happening...and I have nothing to say. Nothing that'll...that'll make everything right. Nothing that'll get you to _stay_."

John bit his lip and took a tiny step towards Alex as he breathed, "Try. Just say something. Say anything. Just try, Alex."

Alex looked up at him, blinking. "Please," John whispered. Alex sniffed, and blinked some more before he wet his lips and swallowed, and took another small step towards John. Once again, silence took over, spreading over everything, coating everything in the room. It was as if everything froze when Alex looked up at John. 

"I love you," He said, his voice breaking. "I still love you. I never stopped loving you. I fucked up, I know I fucked up. And maybe I don't deserve forgiveness, maybe I don't deserve you. I don't know. But I do know that this past month has destroyed me. And I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

“I saw the carving. On the gazebo,” John managed to stutter.

“I’m sorry,” Was all Alex muttured.

It was as if John had been living the past month under water, and with each word Alex had spoken had dragged him out of the ocean. It was as if he was finally breathing again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you and I’m sorry,” Alex was saying over and over again.

John watched as Alex’s knees buckled and he slowly dropped to the floor. Instead of helping him up, John just dropped to the floor too, knees in a basket, across from him.

Alex opened his mouth to say something, but John shook his head. “You were a dick. You fucked up and you really, _really_ fucking hurt me. You really destroyed me, you broke my heart. But...but...life’s too short. And my life would be shit without you in it, Alexander Hamilton.” 

“John Laurens,” Alex breathed as he takes John’s hand.

He was bursting into flames.

He could breath again.

He could move again. 

The past month he had been being pushed down by his anger and frustration and depression and now...Henry’s advice had freed him. He hadn’t completely forgiven Alex, there was still a small part of his heart that was chipped, and he didn’t know if it would ever fully heal. But...life was too short to be caught up in anger and resentment. He clenched his jaw as Alex brushed his fingers across John’s knuckles.

He had Alexander Hamilton in his life again. He just hoped he could keep him there.


	43. And Just Like That It's Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll try. I will try, but remember, trusting you again may be John's decision. But proving him right is your choice, Alex."
> 
> Peggy storms off.

JOHN

"The usual?"

John ran one of his hands through his hair while the other tapped a rhythm on the counter. He bit his bottom lip before he sighed. 

"Hey! John! Yo! John fucking Laurens!" 

John looked up, blinking at Peggy as she arched an eyebrow at him, cocking her head as she smiled prettily. "Sorry?" He smiled faintly, shrugging apologetically. 

Peggy gave a huff of amusement and rolled her eyes, "I asked you if you wanted the usual." John ran a tongue over his teeth as he shook his head, looking up at the board of drinks behind Peggy. 

"Can I have a black tea, please?" John asked. Peggy arched a shaped eyebrow at him as her face turned to a cast of confusion.

"A black tea? Are you ill? Are you okay? Oh god, what's wrong John? Have you got a test or something? Is something big happening?" Peggy asked, leaning forward. 

"I guess you could say that," John muttered, not explaining or saying anything else. Peggy just pursed her lips before she shrugged, and turned around, her yellow apron swishing. John sighed and folded his arms, leaning against the counter and swinging one ankle over the other. He looked over at Laf, Herc, Angelica and Eliza. They were all sitting around one of the tables; Laf practically lying in Herc's lap, Angelica sitting on the table, legs-crossed and Eliza sitting prettily on a chair. With her long dark hair left down and lying over her shoulder, and her baby blue skirt draped over her legs, her tanned legs crossed; she was the picture of elegance. 

They were the only people in The Grind, mostly because it was pretty late, and most normal people didn't want coffee before they went to bed. It was just Peggy working, and she said they could leave whenever they wanted, she didn't care. Peggy was trying to get fired from The Grind. She kept fucking up orders, and swearing under her breath. She spilled coffee on some businessman the other day, ruining his suit, and John swore Peggy was smirking as she did it. When John had asked why she didn't just quit, she'd merely shrugged and said that she had a yearly contract, so she couldn't quit for another six months.

He turned back around when Peggy tapped on his shoulder. She furrowed her eyebrows suspiciously as she handed him his black tea. "Enjoy your black tea," She said, crinkling her nose.

"When do you get off?" He asked, trying his best to sound casual. Peggy, thankfully, didn't pick up on it and just spun around, her hair flipping as she glanced up at the clock. 

"In...about...four minutes. I’m locking up,” She smiled as she turned back to face John. She didn't ask why, and John didn't want to push his luck so he just nodded, and made his way over to his other friends. He made his way over, leaning against the sofa Herc and Laf were on, sipping his black tea. Laf leaned back, looking upside down at John. "Laurens!" He grinned.

"Hi," He said, making his way around the sofa and falling down onto it, leaning his head against Herc's shoulder. 

"You okay, man?" Herc asked, craning his neck down to look at John, shifting from his position - ignoring Laf's protests as he nearly fell out of Herc's lap and onto the floor. John just nodded and yawned, rolling his shoulders back.

"Fuck," Laf said as he settled back into Herc. 

"What?" Angelica asked, looking up from To Kill A Mockingbird. 

"Classes start back tomorrow," He sighed, pouting. Angelica snorted and rolled her eyes whereas Herc laughed and put an arm around Laf. 

"Are you seriously _rereading_ that?" Herc asked Angelica, arching both of his eyebrows. Angelica just stuck her tongue out at him, to which Herc just returned the favour. Eliza leaned forward, pulling the book out of Angelica's hands. 

" _Actually_ ," Eliza started, looking at Herc as Angelica frowned. "It's mine. She stole it."

Laf and Herc laughed, but John just kept sipping his tea, too tired and stressed and nervous to laugh. Angelica sighed in exasperation before she slid off of the table and perched on the arm of Eliza's chair, taking the book back and flipping through the pages.

John drank his tea some more as he kept glancing out of the window, his hands fidgeting. He clenched his jaw, and told himself to face forward and stop moving. He tried to sit still, cautiously aware of his every movement. He was concentrating so hard on being casual that he didn't notice the thing he was looking out for until Eliza bristled, Laf froze, Herc gulped and Angelica growled under her breath. He looked at them all in turn before he arched an eyebrow at Eliza. She just gently bit her lip, before she slowly gestured with her head to behind John.

He looked behind his shoulder and his breathing hitched. Alex was standing there, hands in his pockets, biting the inside of his cheek as the door shut behind him. His hair was loose and hanging slightly in his face, which was a cast of nerves. His dark eyes were jumping from each of their friends, in turn. The ringing bell was the only sound for a moment, before John leapt to his feet, jumping off of the sofa, stumbling slightly. His heart was racing and he might have been shaking slightly, but when he met Alex's dark eyes and saw how nervous he was, he gave him a smile. Alex blinked, his eyelashes batting before he threw John a soft smile that made John's muscles feel like jelly. 

It wasn't until John heard Laf speak that he snapped out of it. "What the fuuuuuck," Laf muttered (not that quietly), staring from John to Alex, eyes wide. "What the fuck," He said again. Herc nudged him, and Laf pursed his lips, still staring at Alex. Everything was silent for a minute as Peggy slowly undid her apron and came around to the front of the counter, standing in front of John. Angelica stood up, folding her arms and edged closer to John, Herc followed suit; the three of them making a human shield around John as he gently tried to push them away. They didn't budge. The three of them just folded their arms and looked at Alex, in front of John as if they were ready to protect him from Alex. 

"I think," Peggy said quietly, staring at Alex. "That you should _leave_ , Alexander." Her face was icy and emotionless as she tipped her chin up, narrowing her light brown eyes. Alex gulped and glanced at John, who was still trying to get out of the protective wall his friends had made around him, before he clenched his jaw and looked at Peggy and shook his head, eyes determined. "Alex," Eliza said softly, almost pleading, from the chair she seemed to be frozen on. Alex's throat bobbed but he still stayed.

" _Guys_." John said to his friends, finally managing to duck under them. He stood in-between his friends and Alex, teeth gritted as he shook his head. Angelica's amber eyes were like burning flames as she clenched her fists. Peggy's face was stone and cold as she took in Alex. Herc was staring at Alex with an emotion on his face that John couldn't place. They all looked like they were ready to kill him though. 

Alex took a step forward, closer to John. Herc's eyes flared and he took one forward aswell, fist clenched. "Hey!" John said, his voice strong and unwavering. Herc took another step, eyes full of wrath focused on Alex. " _Herc_!" John exclaimed, putting a hand on Herc's chest, stopping him from taking another threatening step towards Alex. 

Herc tore his stare from Alex to look down at John, his wild look slightly faded. "John?" He asked. "What is happening?" He asked quietly, before he looked at Laf, eyebrow raised. Laf was just leaning on the sofa, watching the situation unfold, curiosity lining his face. " _Oui_. Laurens, _what is_ happening exactly?" Laf cocked his head, glancing over at Alex who was still standing there, his own fists clenched. 

"What Laf and Herc mean is," Peggy spat, hands on her waist. "What the _fuck is h_ e doing here?" She pointed an angry finger at Alex, who (to hand it to him) didn't falter. He stood tall, breathing regular as he held his ground.

John exhaled, before he took a slow step back, closer to Alex. "Yesterday," John started glancing back at Alex who just smiled faintly. "I talked to Alex."

None of his friends spoke. Angelica, Peggy and Herc just stood still, Laf stayed on the sofa and Eliza stayed sitting on her chair, hugging herself. John took another step back, and ended up standing next to Alex. He gently folded his fingers around Alex's, brushing his fingers over his knuckles when Alex held his breath. "The _fuck_?" Herc asked, his brows furrowing in confusion before his eyes lightened with realisation. "You _forgave_ him?" 

"You forgave him!" John protested, clutching Alex's hand. "So did you!" He said to Laf, who was the only one of his friends who's mouth wasn't hanging open in suprise.

"That doesn't mean _you_ should!" Peggy said, shaking her head. To his credit, Alex didn't flinch at her comment. 

“It’s not _your_ choice to make, Peggy,” John said gently but firmly. She widened her eyes at him, before she looked at their joined hands and lightly shook her head. She looked at Angelica with a face that seemed to say, _can you fucking believe this?_  Angelica clenched her jaw and looked down at their joined hands before she pursed her lips. Both of them opened their mouths at the same time, protest and confusion plastered on their faces.

“Okay.” 

Angelica and Peggy shut their mouths and slowly turned, eyes widening at their sister. Eliza was now standing up from the seat, her hands clasped. "Okay,” She said again, shrugging lightly as she looked at her sisters. Laf was watching her, his face interested. Herc was standing frozen, looking from Alex and John, to Angelica and Peggy to Eliza and finally at Lafayette, who just shrugged up at him. "We'll stand by you," Eliza said, smiling brightly at Alex and John. "We will _all_ be there. As _both_ of your friends." She looked at Angelica and Peggy. Angelica bit her lip before she nodded, even if she sighed. Peggy, however was standing there, mouth parted. 

John looked at her as he held Alex's hand, with pleading eyes. "Peggy. It's not your choice." She didn't say anything. Just stared. "He fucked up." 

"He fucked up _really bad,_ " Peggy stated, glaring at Alex, who flinched, fingers loosing around John's. John just gripped tighter.

John opened his mouth to protest but Alex was already talking, his voice slightly wavering. "Yeah. I did. I know I did. I fucked up so bad. But...but I'm sorry. Not only for what that did to John, and to us, but for what that did to all of us. I betrayed all of your trust," He said, facing all of their friends, his throat bobbing.

None of them said or did anything for a moment, until Herc sighed. John looked up at him and smiled, partly in relief, as Herc nodded and flopped down onto the sofa next to Laf. "Okay. If John can get over it, I can try too, okay," Herc said quietly, pulling Laf into his chest. Laf just said, not facing Alex and John, "Ditto," as he leaned into Herc, yawning.

Angelica looked at them for a moment, before she nodded again, and picked up her bag from the sofa, slinging it over her shoulder. "I'll try. I will try, but remember, trusting you again _may be John's decision_. But _proving him right_ is _your_ choice, Alex," With that, she looked at John for a while, biting her bottom lip, before she ran her hand down her face and walked out, ignoring Peggy's glaring stare, the door slamming behind her. 

Peggy was the only one left standing. She shook her head, eyes watering. "I'm not going to see you get hurt again, John," She said. Herc and Laf looked behind the sofa; Herc watching with horror on his face while Laf was watching with surprise. "Peggy," John tried, taking a step towards her and dropping Alex's hand. Peggy shook her head again, and snorted.

"We broke up, John, because of _him_. And then he fucked you over. _Badly_. And you're _forgiving_ him! For fucking _cheating_ on you." She kept shaking her head, her voice wavering with anger as she grabbed her coat from the pegs and chucked the keys to The Grind aggressively at John. “Lock up when you’re done, Laurens.” He caught them, holding them to his chest as he watched her leave; heels clicking as she stormed out, hair bouncing.

Herc and Laf slowly turned to face forward again, both silent. "I'm sorry. About her," Eliza said, quickly standing up, running her hands through her hair. "I'm going to go after her," Eliza said, pulling John and Alex into a quick hug before she left, following her little sister. She was smiling, but John swore that he saw tears quickly fall down her face as she pulled open the door, the summer wind instantly hitting her.

"Fuck," John muttered as he fell into the chair Eliza had been sitting on. Alex perched on the arm, an awkward silence falling over the four of them. John wasn't sure if any of them were breathing until Lafayette swore under his breath. " _Merde_!"

"What?" Herc asked, looking down at him eyebrow arched. 

"We had that essay to write. For French Culture," Laf said, looking at Alex. John noticed Alex bite the inside of his cheek, as if he was unsure of how to answer. He settled with just a 'yeah', before he looked down nervously at John. "Could I maybe, _s'il vous plaît_ , just...look over yours? Just for ideas, perhaps?" Laf asked, smirking at Alex who slid onto John's lap as he smirked right back.

"Yeah sure. I'll send you it tonight, Laf." 

And just like that it was over. Everything (well, most things) was back to normal. The gang was back together; Alex and John were back together, everything was back together. And John let himself breathe as Alex effortlessly slid an arm around John's neck, and as he watched Herc, Laf and Alex start to talk and laugh he let himself relax. His muscles loosened, and the burning fire that had been spitting in the pit of his stomach extinguished. His cracked heart slowly slid back together, the pieces clicking as it became whole.


	44. My Life Is Gon’ Be Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dinner reservations?”
> 
> Alex and John go on a date.

JOHN

Everything was...better.

Well, in a way...yeah it was... but in another way...no, it wasn't at all.

It was better than it had been last week. Better than when John had been crumbling to ash. Better than when he could literally feel his heart splintering and cracking in his chest. 

But it wasn't better than it had been a couple of months ago. Wasn't as good as it had been after they'd won the debate. Didn't feel as good as it had felt at the last party at Laf's. 

Sometimes...when John looked at Alex, whether they were studying in the library or sitting in class, he saw Maria. Saw Maria winding her arms around his neck and kissing him and whispering in his ear and smirking and-

...and sometimes it still hurt. 

Alex understood, or John was pretty sure Alex understood. Understood why sometimes John instinctively recoiled from his touch. Understood why sometimes John looked at him with a faraway look in his green eyes. Understood why John flinched whenever he walked into Alex's room.

At least John hoped so. He hoped Alex understood. 

They hadn't talked about it again. Alex kept trying to apologise, kept trying to talk and explain himself, but John would just shake his head and try and brush it off. He would ignore the feeling in his stomach. Or at least, try to ignore it.

It was better, but it wasn't the same. And John didn't know if it ever would be again. 

They hadn't shared the same bed again yet. They hadn't kissed again yet. 

But it was better than not talking to him. Better than his heart breaking. Better than not having Alexander in his life. 

He was waiting for Alex now, sprawled out on the sofa as he flicked absently through one of Herc’s shitty fantasy books. Laf was sitting next to him, tugging at John's hair. John hissed when he pulled too hard on a curl and Laf quickly apoligised. “What kind of a name is... _Frodo_?” He asked.

"Don’t know. Herc tried to explain that book, but I got bored. I just block his and Alex’s fangirling out now," Laf said flatly, as he carried on. "Hey. You sure about this, _ami_?" 

"'Bout what?" John asked as he tried to push Laf's hands off his hair. They didn't budge.

"Going on this date," Laf said gently. John rolled his eyes.

"We're just going to the library, Laf. Not a big deal. Not even really sure if I'd class it as a date." Laf paused for a moment, before he spoke again.

"You're going to dinner afterwards," Laf stated.

"Still don't know if I'd class it as a date. I'll end up eating his food as he writes on a napkin. Then we'll just end up arguing about who's paying and I'll cave and let him pay, then hide the money in his room after."

Laf ignored him and said, "It's the first date you're going on with him, since..." He trailed off, his fingers pausing before he tugged more at John's hair. 

"I know," John replied, chewing on his lip. "But...it's fine." 

"You've been saying that a lot recently," Laf said as the bell went. John stood up and grabbed his phone from the table, shoving it in his pocket. 

"Because everything is fine," John shrugged as he walked to the kitchen, Laf following him, arms folded and yawning.

"Okay," Laf shrugged, leaning on the counter with his eyebrow arched. 

"Don't say it like that," John hissed, his hands hesitating on the handle. Laf just shrugged again, smirking slightly. John pursed his lips and rolled his eyes again before he pulled the door open, smiling slightly when he saw Alex grinning up at him, his teeth bright. "Ready for some serious studying?" He asked, wiggling his eyebrows. John snorted before he grabbed his books from the counter Laf was leaning on. 

"What's so interesting about law, anyway?" Lafayette asked, flipping through John's textbook on criminal law. John grabbed it, shoved it into his satchel and said flatly, nothing, at the same time Alex grinned from the doorway, "Everything!" 

John sighed and shoved Alex out of the door as he said bye to Laf. "So," Alex started as they walked to the library. "We've got an essay to write for Washington. It's about Trump."

John sighed in exasperation and yawned. "Yeah, I know. I can't believe he's president. I mean-"

John cut off Alex just in time to stop one of his rants. "No. I mean about writing the essay. I mean _writing_ an _essay_. Ugh.”

Alex grinned and it made John grin in turn. "Essay writing is so fun," Alex said, completely without sarcasm.

"You're such a nerd," John smirked, flicking Alex's forehead. 

"A cute nerd," Alex said, his eyes twinkling. 

"A cute nerd," John agreed, reaching for Alex's hand. His fingers curled around his and Alex hesitantly squeezed back. Alex was always thinking before he did anything now. Whenever John reached for his hand, he hesitated. Whenever John tried to banter with him, he hesitated before he went along with it. It was as if he was worried about fucking up again, so he was always hesitating.

"A very cute nerd," Alex cocked his head, running a tongue over his teeth. John smirked and rolled his eyes.

"A very cute nerd," John smiled, wrapping an arm around Alex and pulling him in close. Alex gave a huff of amusement even though he squeezed John's hand as they walked up the library steps. It was times like this where John felt right. Where everything felt _right_.

John opened the door for Alex, tipping an imaginary hat as he threw him a side smirk. Alex rolled his eyes, trying to suppress his smile as he walked past. Still holding John's hand, he lightly tugged him inside.

They sat down at a table, across from each other. Alex pulled his hand away slowly as he leaned down to pull his books out of his bag. He was smiling brightly at John as he placed them onto the table and arched an eyebrow at him. "What?" John asked.

"Get your books out, Laurens," Alex exclaimed, as he bit his lip with a smirk. John sighed and pulled his own books out, dropping them on the table with a thud. Alex opened his mouth to say something before he clamped it shut and rolled his eyes. "What?" John asked, turning around to see Jefferson and Madison walking across the library. "Oh,” He sighed, facing Alex who was glaring, his eyes narrowed and jaw locked. 

"Sometimes I wish I could bang his head against a fucking wall," Alex growled, his fists clenching on his book. John smiled and lightly placed his hands on Alex's tightened fists. Feeling the weight on his hands, Alex looked at John, blinking.

"If you do, don't get anything gross on you. We have dinner reservations in two hours." Alex exhaled and smiled, tilting his head. "Did you know," John said as Alex held one of his hands and opened his book with the other. "Banging your head against a wall burns a hundred and fifty calories an hour?" Alex looked up and arched an eyebrow at John.

"How did you know that?" He asked.

"You're cute," John said as he squeezed Alex's hand and tucked a strain of his dark hair behind his ear.

"No. No seriously, Turtle. How and why could you possibly know that?"

"I know everything," John shrugged, leaning forward, closer to Alex as he flashed a smile, eyes aglow. "You'll get used to it, Hamilton." Alex leaned forward aswell, he didn't say anything, just smirked. "What?" John breathed. 

"You're so cute," Alex smiled, leaning even closer. 

"I know," John whispered. Alex snorted and John leaned in even more, until-

"Hey! No fucking kissing! You wanna suck tongue, Hamilton? Go do it somewhere else."

John sighed but smiled slightly when Alex groaned loudly and rolled his eyes. John looked behind him to see Jefferson and Madison at the counter. The former smirking, arms folded and the latter glaring at his friend. Madison looked over at John and Alex apologetically and shrugged before he gestured to Jefferson who was still smirking. "Sorry, he's uh... _loud_." Jefferson looked down at Madison with furrowed brows before Madison carried on. "It's uh...it's still the rules though. Sorry."

John rolled his eyes and Alex snarled. "Dick."

"Hey," John smiled, "Dinner reservations, yeah?"

Alex nodded, "Dinner reservations."

They worked for half an hour. Alex scouring though his notes, getting up every couple of minutes to get another book. While John sat there, spending most of the time just watching Alex. Watching him blow his hair out of his face, to no avail. Watching him chew on the bottom of his pencil. Watching him write down furiously and endlessly. Watching him tap his fingers on the desk. Watching him-

"You're staring." 

John blinked and looked at Alex; trying to figure out how to play it cool. Unfortunately, Alexander Hamilton still rendered him and his fucking mouth incompetent because all that came out was, "Uh...no...no I wasn't...I was... _what_?"

Alex just snorted. “Shut your mouth, Laurens. You’re _drooling_.”

John gulped and rolled his eyes but inside he was dying. Literally dying. “You’re such an idiot,” He murmured, looking down at his notes even though nothing was registering, because Alexander made his fucking brain shut down.

“Yeah, but you really like me and you-” Alex cut himself off, his cheeks reddening as he glanced down, running a hand through his hair. “I... _shit_...I didn’t mean to...” He trailed off, biting his lip as he looked up at John, wincing. “I didn’t...”

John reached over the table and intertwined his fingers with Alex’s, smiling softly. “Alex...I-” He shut his mouth when he glanced up and saw who was standing at a shelf, holding open a book as she bit her lip, curling a strand of dark hair around her slender finger. John gulped, his throat closing up as he pulled his hand away from Alex’s, feeling scalded. 

Alex looked up at him, confusion painted on his handsome face. Seeing the pain and hurt in John’s eyes, he turned around and he froze when he saw what John had seen.

Maria looked up from her book, red creeping up her neck when she saw John and Alex. She looked at Alex, her sad and wishful gaze lingering on him for longer than John’s liking. John snarled and Alex spun back around, his mouth opening and closing as he shook his head at John. 

John’s heart was speeding as Maria placed the book back on the shelf and took a hesitant step towards them. John hissed and slammed his book shut, shoving it into his satchel before he slung it over his shoulder and stood up, looking down at Alex - who was looking from Maria and John, his mouth slightly open. John laughed, even though it completely lacked humour and shook his head, sighing as he strode out of the library, trying very hard not to stomp like a toddler. He waited until he was outside to stomp, clenching his fists. 

He hesitated, but didn’t stop when he heard the door slam open and Alex shouting his name behind him. “Laurens! Hey, John! Wait up, Laurens! Hey, stop John. Stop fucking _walking_!”  

John sighed and rolled his eyes, stopping in his tracks and turning. Alex was running, panting as he caught up with John. “John,” He panted, scratching his neck. 

“Look, Alex. I thought...I thought I could do this. But seeing her staring at you, and the look in her eyes. I just can’t...I just...”

Alex shook his head and reached for John’s hands. John didn’t recoil, but he clenched his jaw. “Your hands are cold.” Alex breathed as he rubbed John’s hands, trying to warm them up. He wasn’t looking at John, his eyes trained on their joined hands. “Alex...” John sighed but Alex just shook his head, grasping John’s hands tighter. 

“John,” Alex started. “I still love you. I don't think I’m ever gonna stop loving you. You and your curly hair and your tooth gap and your constellations and your cold fucking hands. I chose you, and I want _you_ , and only you, if you’ll have me. Cause I know my life’s gonna be amazing with you, Laurens. John didn’t know what to say, he just gulped and squeezed Alex’s hands back. “Dinner reservations?” Alex breathed, his voice slightly wavering.

“Dinner reservations,” John nodded, smiling, as they started to walk down the street, hand in hand.


	45. I Know About Whispers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ''If you're worried about coming off as a dick, Burr. You've already failed. So, don't worry about it."
> 
> John punches Charles again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2,000 hits omg guys. Mad. That’s mad. Thanks so much for reading x
> 
> *NOTE TO NINA; Hey, finally caught up?*

BURR

"John!"

"Laurens! The fuck are you doing?" 

"Lee! Think about this, man."

"JOHN!"

Aaron could hear the shouts from the corridor. He groaned in exasperation as all of the possible situations that could be playing out right now, ran through his head. He was half tempted to shut his eyes as he walked into the lecture hall. He stepped over the threshold to see a group of people surrounding Lee and Laurens as they rolled on the ground, clawing at each other's faces as they snarled and growled. 

Aaron cocked his head. Better than an old fashioned duel. Worse than a friendly game of Cluedo. He didn't know what he'd been expecting; Laurens and Lee fought at least twice every four months, give or take.

He sighed as he pushed his way to the front of the sea of people, muttering excuse me as he ducked under arms. He ended up next to Angelica, who looked like she couldn't decide whether to stop the fight or see how it played out. When Aaron came up beside her, she turned, a small grin on her face. "John's winning," She said, hands on her hips.

"Is he? Is he, _really_? Are either of them _really_ _winners_?" Aaron asked, wincing slightly.

"Yeah. Laurens." Aaron and Angelica turned round to see Jefferson standing behind them, arms folded smugly with a smug smile to match. Angelica rolled her eyes and turned forward again, ignoring Aaron and Jefferson. Aaron raised an eyebrow at Jefferson who just smirked wider, his teeth shinning. Aaron sighed and turned back aswell.

He folded his arms and frowned as he watched John tackle Lee and pull back a fist, brows furrowed and teeth bared. "Wait. _Wait! Wait! Wait!"_ Aaron muttered as he dived forward, grabbing onto John's fist and pulling him off of Lee. John hissed and tried to crawl back to Lee, who had pushed himself up, panting, lips curled. "What are you _doing_ , Laurens?" He asked, pulling the reluctant John up and manoeuvring him out of the room. 

John grunted and let Aaron push him outside into the corridor. "Beating the shit out of Lee," He snarled, folding his arms. "Which I was about to do, by the way, before someone fucking  _stopped_ me." His eyes slid to Aaron as he ran his tongue over his teeth.

Aaron rolled his eyes and folded his own arms. "Why?" He simply asked, shrugging.

John gulped and looked away, his face softening. "No reason. He's just a dick. And I wanted to beat the shit out of him."

"Well," Aaron started. "That's obviously a fucking _lie_. Why did you do it?" 

" _No. Fucking. Reason. Burr,_ " John said through gritted teeth as he pushed Aaron out of the way. Aaron sighed in exasperation and went to pull John back but John just spun around, rolling his eyes. "Why the fuck do you even care, Burr?" He snarled. 

Aaron was about to protest, when he asked himself, why was he even trying? He didn't care. There was only a couple of things that Aaron Burr cared about. And John Laurens getting into fights wasn't on that list. Theodosia, school, work? Yes. Laurens? No. So he just shrugged and too a step back. "I don't," He shrugged, and he swore a hint of regret and desperation lingered in John's green eyes. "Just didn't want to be a dick."

John snorted, the emotion in his eyes gone, and went to walk away before he called over his shoulder, ''If you're worried about coming off as a dick, Burr. You've already failed. So, don't worry about it."

Aaron sighed as he watched Laurens walk down the hall, shoulders hunched and fists clenched. God. Why was everyone in this school so fucking annoying? Aaron ran a tired hand down his face as he spun on his heels and walked back into the class. Hovering in the threshold as he saw everyone in their seats, bar Hamilton and Lee. Hamilton standing there, scratching his head, confused and Lee cradling his arm, Washington looking down at both of them, arms folded and lips pursed. He froze when the door shut behind him and everyone turned to face him. "Burr!" Washington said. "Care to explain?"

Aaron stifled a cringe. This should be fun.

JOHN

John tried to keep his breathing regular as he walked quickly through the corridors. They were practically empty, save for a few stragglers. He wiped the blood from his lip away with the back of his hand. He paused slightly as he looked down at his hand, at the smeared red blood on his tanned skin, covering his freckles. He felt slightly nauseas. Not because of the blood, but because of why he was bleeding.

He shook his head and practically ran to the third floor bathroom, hesitating for a moment to check if anyone was in any of the stalls (no one was), before he walked into one himself, slamming the door shut. He fell to the floor, the cool tiles welcoming as he burned up.

He pulled his knees to his chest, feeling the stuffiness in his eyes as he refuses to let himself cry. He gulped and buried his head in his arms, his eyes burning as anxiety practically crushed him. There was always whispering. John could always hear whispering; in the halls, in The Grind. 

_“Alexander Hamilton and Maria Lewis!?”_

_“John couldn’t keep him satisfied.”_

_“And theyre back together? How could John have forgiven him?”_

_“He’s a cheat. And you’re so fucking pathetic that you got back with him.”_

He could still see Lee’s smug fucking face in his mind as he squeezed his eyes shut and leaned his head against the stall wall.

“You’re a whore. And a slut. And no one fucking wants you.” John had walked into the class to see Lee smirking down at Maria, who had been looking like she had been trying her hardest not to cry. Everyone else in the class was sitting at their seats or standing in groups, ignoring what was happening. “Fuck you, Lee,” She’d said, her voice wavering.

“I’m not in the position of fucking girls like you Maria,” Lee had smirked, folding his arms. John had frozen, clenching his jaw, torn between helping her and sitting down to wait for Alex - who had been running late.  

“Where’s Hamilton at though? I’m sure he’d be up for...Oh...oh, wait,” Lee had paused and looked back down at Maria, a slow and horrible smirk growing on his face. “Wait...you’ve already slept with him.”

John hadn’t even known he’d growled under his breath before Lee and Maria had turned to face him. Maria had gulped, her face going bright red as Lee had just grinned like a tiger finding prey. “Laurens!” Lee had exclaimed, clapping his hands. “Perfect! We were just talking about how your boyfriend cheated on you. With Maria.” Another growl had ripped from John. “Remember?” Lee pushed. “When he fucked her and she-”

John had pounced on him, tackiling him to the floor as he’d punched aimlessly, blinded by his red rage. 

He could still feel Lee’s fist connecting with his jaw as he rubbed it now. He could still hear someone (Angelica?) shouting his name as he ran a hand through his hair. He could still feel his rage building up in his stomach as he sighed, half in tiredness and half in pain. He sat up straight when he heard the door creak open. He would’ve bounced to his feet if he hadn’t hurt so much. Footsteps echoed on the white, chipped tiled floor.

“Laurens?”

It was Alex. He sounded worried. 

John didn’t know how to respond, didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. Just sat there. He could just stay there, wait till Alex leaves, he thought as he looked down, his heart flinching when he saw Alex’s old, scruffy and crappy converse walk across the tiles. “John?” Alex asked again, before he sighed.

John watched as he made to leave, his shoes walking away, before his heart caved in and he unwinded - his own shoes clapping against the floor. Alex paused at the sound before he spun, his shoes in front of John’s stall. 

“Thank fuck,” Alex sighed in relief. “I was starting to think you’d gone home.” His voice was slightly heavy as if he’d been running. 

“I’m sorry,” John breathed, clutching his hair. 

“Turtle, open the door,” Alex asked softly from the other side of the stall door. 

“How’d you know something was wrong?” John asked, not opening the door. 

“I turned up to class and Lee was standing there, whimpering, looking like shit. Wasn’t exactly rocket science, Freckles.”

John smiled slightly before he said, “Freckles?”

There was a pause. “Too much?” Alex asked, faintly.

“No. I like it,” Another pause. John lightly prodded his rib, hissing slightly in pain.

“Please, open the door, John,” Alex asked again. “Please.”

John sighed deeply and reached his arm up, unlocking the door before he dropped it back down. He looked up as the door swung open, revealing Alex standing there, looking down at him, brows furrowed. Then suddenly, Alex was in the stall, locking the door and sliding down the stall, sitting next to John. 

They’re quiet for a moment, in companionable silence before Alex asked, gently and coaxingly, “Do you have an explanation for why you pummelled the shit out of Charles Lee?” 

“I have four. Pick your favourite,” John said. He meant to say it like a joke, but it came out flat and lacking humour. 

“Freckles,” Alex said, leaning in closer to John as he lightly brushed his knuckles down John’s face.

“You’re late to class, Alex,” John protested; not that he wanted Alex to necessarily leave. He never wanted Alex to leave again. Never again.

“So are you,” Alex pointed out, smiling slightly. “It’s Political Sciences anyway. I want to be late to that class.” He was lying. Whenever he lied, Alex’s lips twitched. “You gonna talk to me?” He asked gently.

“Lee was talking shit,” John said, sounding more breaking than angry. 

“Lee’s always talking shit,” Alex shrugged, looking down at John, eyebrow arched.

John sighed, and found Alex’s hand, taking it in his own. He gulped as Alex brushed a curl behind one of his ears. “He was talking shit about...’bout you...and Maria and us and...” He trailed off, biting his bottom lip as he looked into Alex’s big dark eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are _you_ sorry?” Alex asked, furrowing his eyebrow. “I should be...I mean-”

“No,” John cut him off. “We’re not...I’m not going to...this isn’t happening again. Were not doing this again. We’ve been over this, we’ve gotten over this, Alexander.” Alex just nodded, clenching his jaw, looking like he wanted to protest. “I love you,” John whispered, leaning in. Then Alex is leaning in and their lips touch for a split second that seems to last years. They're dry and warm and taste like mint and coffee and John stopped breathing when they touched again. 

They pulled away, John’s hands around Alex’s neck, their foreheads leaning against each other. “This is pretty gross,” John murmured. Alex pulled away, his eyes hurt and lips in a frown. John rolled his eyes and lightly flicked Alex’s temple. “Not _you_ , idiot, not _us_. The fact that we’re sitting on the bathroom floor and kissing, is gross.”

Alex smiled and shrugged, leaning in again. “Do you really care?” He asked before he pulled John into a deeper, more passionate kiss. John just managed to shake his head before he leaned in, grinning into the kiss.


	46. I Wrote My Way Outta Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is not a good song to slow dance to, Freckles.”
> 
> John has his birthday.

ALEX

July the fourth.

American Independence day.

National barbecue day.

National Caesar Salad Day.

John Laurens' birthday. 

Alex looked around the crowded apartment, searching for his boyfriend. Trust John to go missing at his own party. He slowly made his way from room to room; stepping over colourful confetti, discarded pieces of pizza and abandoned bottles of beer. No sign of John anywhere.

The music was as loud as thunder and it was making the random cutlery on the counter rattle. Neon lights flashed everywhere like police sirens, but much more colourful. He stumbled into the kitchen, his nose crinkling at the strong smell of alcohol. Alex hadn't touched any tonight, nothing good happened when Alex drank. He passed Madison and Jefferson, who seemed to be doing a reenactment of the Titanic jig scene; holding hands as they spun, heads tipped back as they roared in laughter.

He pinched his nose and rolled his eyes when he saw Laf on the table. As Alex walked closer, he realised that Lafayette was trying to rap, but he was slurring and also kept switching to french. Herc was dancing next to him, grinning dreamily up at Laf. Alex rolled his eyes again before he walked forward and tugged at Herc's sweater. "Have you seen John?" He asked as Herc looked down at him.

"Wha-what?" Herc hiccuped, blinking a couple times.

"Have. You. Seen. John?" Alex repeated, slowly as he clenched his jaw in frustration. He hated drunk Hercules Mulligan.

"John?" Herc asked, scratching his jaw. "Who's John?" Alex really fucking hated drunk Hercules Mulligan.

He groaned in frustration and spun on his heels, leaving Herc to his drunk dancing. He bit his lip as he made his way to John's room, hoping he would find his boyfriend there. He walked down the hall, stepping over a passed out guy and stepping around a couple making out till he reached John's door. He knocked, but when there was no answer he slowly pushed it open, peeking in before he pushed it open fully. He groaned as he walked into the empty room, looking over the massive pile of unopened presents on his desk. John had so many friends, Alex didn't know how he kept up with them all.

The only present that wasn't still wrapped was the one that Alex had given him. The art set Alex had given him was lying on his bed. Alex smiled as he remembered John's reaction.

Alex had arrived at John and Laf's at seven in the morning - forgetting that John and Laf slept till noon on weekends. He had kept knocking until Laf had slightly opened the door, his face a cast of anger; his jaw clenched, eyes narrowed and lips pursed. "Hamilton," He'd said flatly. 

"Mornin' Gilbert!" Alex had grinned. He had grinned slightly less when Laf had slammed the door in his face, grunting from the other side. "Lafayette! Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilb-" Laf had opened the door before Alex could get through his full name. Alex had smiled and made to step inside when Laf had groaned and stepped in front of him. "What are you doing, Alexander?" He'd asked.

"Seeing my boyfriend on his birthday," Alex had grinned, showing Laf the wrapped present he was holding before trying to step inside again. Laf had just put his hand on the side of the threshold, blocking him.

"It's _seven_ in the morning, Hamilton."

"So?"

"So. I should be fucking _asleep, not answering the door to you_!"

Alex had just rolled his eyes and ducked under Laf's arm, laughing when he had heard Laf swear under his breath and slam the door shut. "If you're fucking loud, Hamilton, and you wake me up again, I'll kill you. _Jésus-Christ, je déteste les gens."_ Alex had grabbed an apple from the kitchen counter before he'd walked to John's room. He'd chapped once with no reply, but when he'd knocked again, John's sleepy voice had called from the other side of the door. "Fuck. Off. Lafayette. I don't want fucking pancakes. If you ask me one more time, I swear I'll-"

Alex had rolled his eyes and pushed open the door to see John lying on his stomach, pillow over his head. When he had heard the door open, he hadn't looked up, just thrown the pillow in Alex's direction. Alex had caught it and chucked it back at John, who had looked up, face pained before he had seen Alex, and his face had turned into a bright smile. "Oh, hey," John had grinned as he'd sat up. Alex had shut the door with his foot before he'd sat on the bed, John's white sheets crinkling.

"Happy birthday, Freckles!" Alex had grinned as he'd handed John his present. John had half smiled, half winced as he'd taken it into his own hands, sitting against his headboard. He'd looked up at Alex, eyebrow raised before he'd looked back down at the gift. "It's your _birthday_ , Turtle," Alex had said. John had just shrugged. "You get _presents_ on your _birthday,_ " He'd further explained, to which John had just nodded before he'd slowly unwrapped his gift.

"Alex," He'd sighed, looking up. "This is too much."

Alex had shaken his head and shuffled closer. "No. It's not. You deserve it, Laurens." John had blushed furiously (his freckles becoming more prominent) and leaned forward, the muscles in his bare chest clenching as he'd kissed Alex on the forehead. "You deserve everything, John," Alex had whispered, their foreheads touching as John had rested his arms on Alex's shoulders. 

"I really like you and I love you," He'd muttered, smiling softly, his green eyes shining.

"I really like you and I love you," Alex had repeated, affectionately flicking John's temple before he'd pressed a kiss to his freckled cheek. 

Alex sighed, looking around the devoid room one more time before he left, heading for the only other place that John might have gone. He made his way back through the raging party, wincing as people he didn't know patted him on the back and the thundering music slammed into his head. Everyone was dancing like they'd forgotten how to stand still. He practically ran out of there, sighing in relief when he managed to stumble into the hall. He shut the door, muffling the music, before he made his way to find his boyfriend.

John was on the roof, the few stars bright and low, the gravel on the roof crunching under Alex’s converse. John was sitting in a small iron chair, no light, no bottle of Sam Adams, no music - just John, the stars, and New York City beneath him. Alex slid onto John's lap, and John's arms wrapped around him. They sat in silence for a bit before Alex looked down at John, who was staring out at the city, the fake orange streetlight highlighting his tawny skin. "You're missing your own party," Alex breathed. John looked up at him, smiling slightly when Alex pushed a brown curl behind John's ear. 

"It's not really my party," John shrugged, glancing away. 

Alex cocked his head, twisting in his lap and looping his arms around John's neck. "They're literally celebrating _you_ , Laurens."

They were. There was a massive banner hanging above the fireplace that said ‘Happy Twentieth Birthday John!’ There was a cake that had a number twenty iced on it. Everyone was here for John, but he was alone on the roof.

“I guess,” John said, tightening his arms around Alex. Alex didn’t know what to say, so he just sat there, watching the silent city with John as his boyfriend traced idle circles on his leg.

“We never looked up at the stars,” John breathed, his voice slightly wavering. Alex looked down at him, confusion plastered his face. “When we were in South Carolina. We never looked up at the stars.” John bit his bottom lip, and looked up at Alex, his bright green eyes pained. “It’s stupid, but...” John trailed off, glancing down. 

“But?” Alex asked gently, stroking John’s jaw as he gave him a soft smile. 

“I keep waiting for Martha to text me happy birthday,” John whispered, his southern drawl quiet. He sounded ten years younger. “I keep waiting for her to call, or text or just...” John sighed as he sniffed. Alex’s heart broke as he gently wiped away John’s tears. 

“It’s not stupid,” Alex breathed, resting his head on John’s shoulder. John bristled but he let him.

“It is stupid. I know she’s gone, I just...no...it’s stupid.”

Alex knew how John was feeling. Vulnerable. Helpless.

“I can’t sleep when there’s a storm,” Alex whispered after a couple of minutes of silence. “What?” John asked, gulping as he lay a hand on the back of Alex’s neck. 

“That’s how I got my scholarship. There was a hurricane, where I used to live, and it was...insane and horrific and terrifying. I wrote about it, an account of the storm and the death and the devastation. Someone I knew, he worked for a newspaper, saw it and published it. The uni saw and...and now I’m here. I managed to write my way out of hell. But I can’t sleep when there’s a storm, and every time there’s thunder, I can’t move.”

“I hate driving,” John murmured, as Alex leaned against him. “Ever since mum died, I hate it. I can do it, but I hate it. That’s why I’ve got a motorbike and not a car. As soon as my hands touch a steering wheel, I get butterflies.”

Alex nodded, wrapping his arms around John tighter, as he pressed a kiss to his temple. “I’m so scared of fucking up again. I’m so scared of losing you.” It was true, every time Alex saw John, he was reminded of what he’d done, how badly he’d hurt him.

“You won’t,” John answered, leaning his head against Alex’s chest. For the next half hour, they admitted their true fears to each other, unraveling themselves until they were completely honest and empty. “God,” John laughed lightly, “Did I just make my own birthday really depressing?” 

Alex just shook his head and slid off of John, his ears pricking up when he heard a song float up to them. Twist and Shout, probably a nod to John’s favourite movie - Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. No one else must have noticed Alex and John’s dispapperances yet.

He walked over to the edge of the roof and leaned on the iron railings, looking down. The bright neon lights were shining out of the window, the pane shaking with the sheer amount of sound and movement. “It’s coming from your apartment,” Alex stated, turning back to see John standing behind him, hand outstretched. “Wanna dance, Hamilton?” 

His curls were swaying in the slight wind, his teeth sparkling as he smiled. He was wearing a classic John, dark grey, band top, the muscles in his arms making Alex’s heart race. His constellations of freckles seemed to glow in the streetlight. God, Alex loved him so much.

Alex laughed lightly, slipping his hand into John’s. John put his hands on Alex’s waist, and Alex wrapped his arms around John’s neck as he smiled softly at him. 

“This is not a good song to slow dance to, Freckles,” Alex murmured, pressing closer to John.

“Good thing I have a partner to make up for it,” John smirked.

“You’re so cute, Laurens,” Alex muttered, cringing as John stood on his foot and swore under his breath. “But you’re a shit dancer.” John just laughed softly before he kissed Alex, both of them stopping their dance. “Happy birthday, John Laurens. I love you.”

“I love you too, Alexander.”


	47. Down For The Count And I'm Drowning' In 'Em

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you guys ever get tired of being so cute?"
> 
> The group goes bowling.

ELIZA

"What's wrong?" 

Eliza looked up to see Alexander watching her eyebrow arched. She shrugged, and tried a soft smile. "Nothing," She lied, tugging at the sleeves of her shirt. 

"Nothing?" Alexander repeated, folding his arms and arching an eyebrow. She just shrugged innocently again, flicking her long dark hair behind her shoulders. "Come on, Betsy," Eliza's heart fluttered whenever he called her that. "You know you can tell me anything."

She couldn't. She couldn't tell him everything. Especially not this.

She couldn't tell Alexander that she was hopelessly in love with him.

The key word there being _hopeless_. 

Hopeless because she knew she shouldn't love him. Hopeless because she knew it was useless to love Alexander. Hopeless because she knew it wouldn't get her anywhere - at least no where good. Hopeless because Eliza couldn't help it, couldn't help how she felt, couldn't help how her heart raced whenever she saw him.

She couldn't help how much she loved Alexander Hamilton. 

"I know," She said, smiling as she tucked a loose strand of dark hair behind her ears. "But there's nothing to tell. Because there's nothing wrong." Alexander looked at her as if he didn't believe her, but he just smiled and shrugged before he stood up and said, "I'm gonna go get a refill. Do you want anything?" She just shook her head and watched as he turned to Aaron and said, 'don't you dare take my turn, Burr' and walked off. Eliza watched as Alexander strode away, his hair bouncing. She let herself breathe as she fell back into the sofa, running her hands through her hair.

Aaron just sighed and leaned into the sofa, Theodosia trying to hide her smirk as she smiled at her boyfriend. "He's just...uh... very _competitive,_ " Eliza tried to apologise for Alexander. Aaron just rolled his eyes and shot her a look that seemed to say, _I know, trust me._ Eliza grinned when Theodosia burst out into raspy laughter, throwing her arms around her boyfriend as he rolled his eyes, but smiled affectionately. Theo straightened her skirt as she leaned her head against Aaron, her long, neat dreadlocks falling over his shoulder.

Theo and Aaron started talking to each other quietly, so Eliza just turned to watch everyone else. They were all bowling, and Eliza had regretted coming the first two minutes into it. She was in Hercules' team, along with, Theo and her sisters. They were against Alexander's team, which consisted off, John, Laf and Aaron. 

Eliza had been expecting a fun, calm game of friendly bowling but she had gotten a extremely competitive, and borderline scary competition. She didn't know why she'd ever expected a normal game of bowling, especially when she was playing with Alexander, Angelica and Hercules.

Not only were the two teams competing against each other, but everyone seemed to be competing for the number one bowler, or as Hercules had called it ' _the best and most impressive person in the whole, entire, fucking universe_ '.

John was winning, but he didn't really care and he also wasn't really trying, which was infuriating Herc, Angelica and Alexander. They were the only three people that cared about the game, but they cared so much, it made up for everyone else. Angelica and Hercules were tied for seconds as they were both equally competitive and equally good at bowling. Alexander, who was the most competitive out of all of them, was losing. Dead last. 

Eliza sat on the sofa, picking at her pizza but not eating it and watched as John bowled a strike. _"Are you fucking kidding me!"_  Herc hissed as Angelica groaned and kicked the sofa. Lafayette burst out into laughter managing to say through laughs, "We're beating the _shit_ out of you, _mes amis."_

"Me and Angelica are both beating you, Laf," Herc stated flatly, folding his arms.

"Yeah, but Laurens is beating you both by so much, and he's on _my_ team," Lafayette smirked before he sipped from his coke. Peggy giggled and lightly hit Laf on the head, Laf just rolling his eyes.

"Don't make fun of them, Laf. You know they’re both bad losers."

"I am. Not. A bad loser," Hercules said through gritted teeth. "I just prefer to win." With that he turned, and threw the ball on the lane, only knocking down nine pins. Angelica and Herc growled as John, Laf and Peggy giggled. 

Eliza laughed softly as she watched the game carry on, trying not to flinch when Alexander sat back down next to her. "Who's winning?" Alex asked as he put his cup down on the table, and looked back at Eliza, his eyes twinkling. Eliza more often than not found herself drowning in Alexander's eyes. He ran his knuckles down his jaw as he sighed tiredly.

"John," She said, trying to smile.

Eliza tried to push the fluttering feeling in her stomach away when a lazy grin stretched onto Alex's face, but the sinking feeling only grew when Alexander said proudly, "That's my boyfriend."

There it was. There was the main reason why Eliza's love for Alexander Hamilton was completely and utterly hopeless. Because Alexander Hamilton was going out with John Laurens. And Alexander was completely and utterly hopelessly in love with him.

"He's really good," Eliza admitted. 

"I know. It's _infuriating,_ " Alex smirked, watching as his boyfriend bowled another strike and just shrugged lightly at Herc and Angelica, who screamed in frustration. Alexander had a dreamy look in his eyes as he watched John laugh, head tipped back and unruly curls bouncing- Alexander always had a glint in his eyes when he saw John. It made Eliza's heart pang, because she knew he'd never look at her like that.

"What you guys talking 'bout?" John asked as he came up behind Alex, throwing his arms around him and pressing a kiss to his temple. 

"You," Alex rolled his eyes, affectionately pushing John off of him.

"Me being amazing, and incredible at bowling?" John asked as he slid onto the sofa, putting his feet on Alex's lap. Alex and John were wearing matching bowling shirts, and Eliza had no idea how they'd managed to get them, since they'd only decided to go bowling this morning. They were both wearing blue shirts with short sleeves, and they'd somehow managed to get their names embroidered on them. Eliza was pretty sure that Alex had gotten the shirts, because John's shirt just had 'pretty cute' sewn on his.

"You're not that good, Laurens," Angelica called back, a smirk plastered on her face. 

John just arched an eyebrow at her, and ran a hand through his hair before he finger gunned Angelica and said, "Look at the scores and _weep_ , Schuyler." Angelica just pursed her lips before she narrowed her eyes and spun, and bowled a strike.

"Ha!" She practically screamed as she spun back, her skirt spinning, pointing a finger at John, who was still casually lying, sprawled on Alexander. "Suck it, Laurens," She grinned, high-fiving Hercules.

"Oh, _well done_ , Angelica," Laurens smiled, condescendingly. "Now, you're only... _thirty-five points_ behind me. You're catching up, Schuyler."

Angelica shook her head, a smirk etching onto her face as she hid a laugh. "I'm gonna _fuck you up,_ John Laurens," She sighed, folding her arms as she looked up at the score board and ran her tongue over her teeth.

"That's _my job,_ " Alexander said, smirking as he pulled John closer to him. John muttered, oh my god, under his breath as he let Alexander pull him into his chest and play with John's hair.

Angelica scrunched up her nose, and shook her head. Aaron rolled his eyes as Theo and Peggy giggled and Laf and Herc just tipped their heads back in roaring laughter. Eliza laughed, but it wan't genuine, and lacked humour. She sighed as she watched John snort and playfully flick Alexander on the head. Alexander just smirked coquettishly and pulled John into a kiss, before Laf shouted at them. "No fucking PDA! _Mes amis_! Do I really have to keep reminding you?" 

Alexander and John pulled apart, lowering their eyebrows at Laf who just shook his head at them. "Do you guys ever get tired of being so cute?" Theo asked, smiling at them as held her head dreamily in her hands. 

"Actually, _yes_ , Theodosia," Alexander nodded. "Thank you for asking. It's exhausting. I know we make it look easy but-"

"Shut up, Hamilton," John snorted, cutting him off, playfully elbowing Alexander. Eliza gulped as she hugged herself, biting her lip as she watched Alexander and John flirt. She looked over at Burr, who had folded his arms and was pouting up at Theo. Eliza was the only one who heard him mutter, " _We're cute_."

Eliza sighed, tearing her gaze away from Alexander and turned to Angelica and Hercules, who were still bowling. Hercules rolled, and they both swore under their breaths when he only knocked down eight pins. "We'll still beat him," Herc said, before he picked up another ball. "We can still win." Angelica nodded in agreement as their faces were both taken over by fierce determination.

They didn't win.

They lost.

John won. By quite a lot.

When the game finished, Theo and Aaron said bye before they drove off in Aaron's car. Aaron thanked Eliza for inviting them, to which John, Herc and Laf snorted and rolled their eyes. They then all split up into different cars and headed home for the night.

Somehow, Eliza ended up getting a lift back with Alexander, who had taken Herc's car. They dropped off Angelica, then Peggy and then it was only them in the car. "Are you sure you're okay, Betsy?" He asked, looking at her, suspicion on his face, when they pulled up outside her dorm. "I'm sure," She smiled, trying to keep her voice from wavering. 

Alexander pursed his lips, as if he was debating whether to push her. He sighed and ran a tired hand through his hair. Alexander hated his hair. Eliza loved his hair. "Okay," He finally said, loosening his hands on the wheel. "Okay, okay, fine. But you promise that if something happens, you'll call me."

"I promise," She nodded, as her heart banged against her chest. 

"I'll come over and we can eat and watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine," He said, smiling at her, his one dimple crinkling. Eliza loved his smile. Loved his dimple. 

"That sounds fun," She admitted, playing with her hair as she avoided his gaze. 

"You're the only other person in our group of friends that _likes_ Brooklyn-Nine-Nine. The only other person I can watch it with," He sighed. "We have a weird group of friends."

"How could you not like Jake Peralta?" Eliza laughed, looking out the window. It was dark out and raining, and no one was on the street. 

"I know. It's insane," Alexander shook his head. They were silent for a moment, before Eliza looked up at him, and smiled, her whole body tingling when he smiled back.

"Bye, Alexander. See you later," She waved as she climbed out of the car, feet hitting a puddle. He shouted bye back, but she didn't let herself look back. She walked inside the building, her heart pounding, and it wasn't until she got up to her room that she let herself slump onto the floor and hug herself tight as her heart pinned. Her heart was hurting and she didn't know what to do.

Eliza wasn't like Maria, she was't going to tell Alex how she felt, wasn't going to tell anyone. She wasn't going to make anyone suffer so she could have a slim chance at a relationship.

She didn't want Alexander and John to break up, because she saw how happy John made Alexander. And she'd seen how... _destroyed_ and pained Alexander had been when they'd broken up. She never wanted to see Alexander in that much pain, ever again. So, for his happiness, she would sacrifice her's. Because she loved him. She wouldn't let herself be the cause of Alexander or John's pain. She sighed and picked herself up off of the floor, trying to calm the beating of her heart as she pulled the blinds down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tag urself, I'm Theo


	48. Write Day and Night Like You’re Running Out of Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Putain. How, out of the two of us, how are you the one in a fucking relationship?"
> 
> Alex stays up late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So, it's not Thursday, or anywhere near Thursday. I know, sorry guys. I also know this chapter is really, really shit but they'll get better again. Sorry, hope you enjoy this piece of crap chapter x

JOHN

He woke up to a light. He opened his eyes one at a time, blinking rapidly. He squinted as he pushed himself up onto his elbows. He twisted around slightly, grimacing when he heard his neck pop. He blinked and rolled his shoulders back. His blinds were pulled shut, but John could see from a crack in them that it was still dark outside. He yawned and rolled his head, looking at the alarm clock on his bedside table. Three in the fucking morning. 

John faced forward, grunting when he saw where the light was coming from.

Alex was sitting at the desk, his back to John. He was hunched over and John could hear the pen scribbling furiously. John sighed and pushed himself up further, leaning his back against the headboard. "Alex," He said softly, his voice croaky and hoarse. He wasn't even really awake yet.

Alex didn't turn around, just kept writing. The lamp on the desk was on, but the brightness was toned down - no doubt an effort from Alex to not wake John. Alex yawned and dropped the pen, stretching his arms up. He was shirtless and John could see the muscles in his back shift as he cracked his neck. He leaned back in the chair and sighed, running his hands through his dark hair. 

John was finding himself waking up in the middle of the night to find Alex working more often than not. He always begged Alexander to stop, and Alex always agreed; reluctantly crawling back into bed. The promise never stuck, and John would just find Alex the next night up at two in the morning. John was getting increasingly more worried about his boyfriend. So was Lafayette, Herc, Angelica and Eliza.

Alex wasn't eating. He wasn't sleeping. He had lost weight. The only things he was doing was writing, chugging coffee like it was water and going to class. He was adamant that he was fine, but John knew better. He knew this couldn't carry on because if it did, it would just get worse. Alex would get worse. And John wasn't going to stand by and let that happen.

Alex had gotten another internship, at a law firm. With actual lawyers. Actual lawyers that actually cared about the things Alex cared about. Lawyers that cared about what Alex said. It was Alex's dream job. And John knew how much it meant to his boyfriend. But he shouldn't be living like this. He _couldn't_ keep living like this. It was driving Alex insane. He was more snappy and argumentative than normal (which was saying something). He was constantly yawning and yesterday, in class, Alex had fallen asleep at his desk.

They were all worried about him. Lafayette had wanted to stage an intervention, and John had only just managed to talk him out of it. Angelica had threatened to tell someone, to tell Washington. John had told them all he'd deal with it. He _would_ deal with it. The only person that didn't care was Peggy. But that was only because she didn't know what was happening.

Peggy still wasn't talking to them. When John and Alex went into The Grind and Peggy was working; she didn't talk to them. She only asked for their orders, which, to anyone else might seem harmless enough, but John knew what was really going on. She still hadn't forgive John for forgiving Alex - she _knew_ their coffee orders, she'd known them for a year.

It had gotten ten times worse now that John worked there. Thankfully, they only worked the same shift once a week, and they had learned how to avoid each other pretty well. John had tried to talk to her his first day, but she'd just shot him a glare and stepped around him, flipping her hair in his face. If there was one definite thing that John had learned about Peggy these past two years, it was that she knew how to hold a grudge. And this was the second time John was on her bad side. It wasn't his favourite thing in the world.

" _Alex_!" John said, louder this time. Alex turned in the chair, blinking at John - guilt plastered his face. 

"Shit! Did I wake you?" Alex asked, sheepishly scratching the back of his neck.

"Why are you awake?" John asked, leaning forward, ignoring Alex's question. "You should be asleep, Alex. You should be sleeping. In this bed. Next to me." Alex didn't say anything, just looked down at his hands, his face painted in guilt. "Alexander. You can't keep doing this! You _need_ sleep."

Alex shook his head as he looked up at John. "No. I need to _finish_ this." John tried his best not to roll his eyes, instead he just clenched his jaw and gritted his teeth. 

"What are you even doing? What's so important that you can't wait until morning?" John demanded, pushing himself off of the bed. "You can't keep living off of coffee and no sleep, Alex."

"I don't have a choice, John!" Alex shook his head. "I need to finish this. There's no time to do it. There's not enough time. I have so much work to do and I'm running out of fucking time!"

"Then cut some classes," John suggested, shrugging. That didn't sound like the end of the world. 

"I can't do that, John," Alex said, standing up quickly and slamming his book shut. _Fuck this_. Alex wasn't allowed to get angry at John. John wasn't the one fucking up his life. "You know I can't do that. I mean-"

"Why?" John cut him off. "Why can't you, Alex?" 

"You don't understand the pressure I'm under!" Alex exclaimed. They were both getting loud now, almost yelling. He knew Laf would be pissed off, but John didn't really care. He was fucking sick of Alex working himself to the bone. Then he had the _gall_ to get pissed off when John tried to show some fucking concern for his boyfriend.

"What fucking _pressure_?" John shouted. "Who's putting pressure on you, Alex? None of our friends are. I'm not. I don't give a fuck about your grades, or your job or how much writing you're doing. I love you, Alexander. Not your fucking brain or your marks. I don't give a fuck if you're a lawyer or not."

Obviously that was the wrong thing to say. Alex scowled and turned away from John, biting his lip and clenching his jaw. "That's not fair, John."

"You're the only one who puts pressure on yourself, Alex! We don't love you because you're smart, okay? I don't love you because of that, okay?" John took a step forward, but Alex spun round, his face angry; his eyes narrowed, his lips pursed and his teeth gritted.

"No. That's not okay. You don't get to pick which parts of me to love. You get to love all of me, or you don't love me at all," Alex shouted.

John's nose flared and he clenched his fists. "That's not what I meant," He said, quietly but forcefully. All of the air in the room had suddenly vanished. It was freezing, John glanced down at his bare chest - he had goosebumps. "You know that's not what I meant, Alex." 

"I think I now exactly what you meant, John," Alex shook his head. His dark eyes were pained and angry. John's anger flared into raging, red flames. 

"I'm meant to love every part of you?" John spat. " _Every_ part?" He should stop talking. He should shut his fucking mouth and not make this worse. Alex was running on no sleep. He wasn't thinking straight. John knew his boyfriend was stressed and panicking and tired. But the words Alex said still hurt. Still made John pissed.

"What about the part where you slept with Maria?" John said softly, gulping. "Am I meant to love that part of you? The part where you fucked someone else and cheated on me?" The words flew from his mouth before he even thought about it. He knew instantly from the look in Alex's eyes that they'd hit their mark. John instantly regretted saying it. He don't know why he even said it. Why he even thought it.

"Alex," John said softly, shaking his head and sighing. "Look, I'm-" Alex just gave a huff of hateful amusement before he shook his head and picked up his sweater from the floor and pulled it over his head. He didn't even look at John as he strode over to the desk and picked up his books, hugging them close to his chest. "I'll see you later," Alex breathed, walking past John and out the door. It slammed behind him and John was left alone. All fucking alone.

He hesitated for too long before he snarled and threw open his door, running into the hall - but Alex was already gone, the front door locked shut. John shouted in frustration before he punched the wall (a couple of times). He pulled back when a smear of blood appeared on the wall. "Fuck!" John hissed, leaning his forehead against the wall. "For fuck's sake. Goddamn it!"

"What the fuck is all the screaming about?"

John turned his head slightly to see Lafayette standing in his doorway, arms folded and staring at John. John didn't even have to answer, Laf just stuck his head into John's empty room before he sighed out deeply and rolled his eyes. "Can't you two just chill for once?" He asked, running his hand down his face. "I mean, just for one fucking day. Just... _chill_."

John pushed himself off of the wall and stormed into the kitchen, trying his best not to look like a toddler stomping his feet. He slammed his fist onto the light switch and the dark kitchen burst into light. John blinked, the sharp, white light stinging.

"I woke up," John said through gritted teeth as he grabbed a glass from the counter. "He was fucking _working_."

" _Again_?" Laf asked, following John. He just nodded his head and downed the glass of water, trying to calm down. _God_. How the fuck was he meant to help someone -someone he loved- if he refused the help, refused to even fucking talk? 

"What are we going to do?" Laf asked quietly. John looked up at him as he sat down on one of the stools and leaned his head in his hands. Alex wasn't the only one that was stressed out. They _all_ were. Their final exams were coming up and John was dreading them - he needed to study more. But his time was being taken up by Alex and work and a whole lot of fucking drama that he didn't need.

"I don't know," John admitted. "What can we possibly do? How do we pull him back from this? How do we even start?" John asked Laf, his voice breaking. "I don't know how to help him, Laf. I just don't know," Laf sighed as he leaned against the fridge. He didn't say anything.

The only sound in the apartment was the dripping tap. John felt his anger drip away to the rhythm of the tap.

For. Fuck's. Sake.

Why'd he say all that shit to Alex?

"There's only one thing you can do," John glanced up at his friend, his eyebrow arched. Laf folded his arms and smiled faintly.

"What?"

"Just be there for him. Just sit and try to talk to him. Let him know you're there."

"That's what I've been _trying_ to do Laf!" John protested, but Laf cut him off, shaking his head and glaring at John sharply.

"Then try _harder_ , mon ami." John didn't reply, just gritted his teeth and looked back down at the counter. He couldn't really argue with that. " _Putain_. How, out of the two of us, how are you the one in a fucking relationship?" Laf asked before he strolled back into his room, yawning and scratching his neck. 

John had no fucking clue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any Brits watching Love Island because oh my god. Alex is too good for that show.


	49. What Do You Need?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What's got you in a tizzy, Laurens? A lovers' spat, perhaps?"
> 
> Thomas plays violin.

THOMAS

Thomas gripped the bow tight in his fingers as he rapidly moved his fingers. His eyes scanned the sheet music as his fingers instinctively jumped around the fingerboard. He clenched his jaw as he got ready for the shift. His fingers moved quick and then fell back down.

For fuck's sake.

He groaned. Too sharp.

He went to try again when a bang came from behind him. He turned to see Hamilton, still asleep, nearly falling out of his bed. A book must've toppled off of him or something. Thomas sighed and brought his violin away from his shoulder, half tempted to slam it over Hamilton's fucking head. 

He tentatively placed the violin in it's case, gazing at it with a slight hatred. He just couldn't get that fucking shift. He didn't know why, it wasn't as if it was hard. He promised himself he'd come back to it. He just needed a coffee or something. Yeah. That's what he needed. He needed caffeine. Especially since Hamilton had woken him up.

Hamilton had stumbled into their room late last night. And when Thomas said _late_ , he meant three in the morning. He had sat up in his bed when the door had opened, pissed and tired and demanding a reason as to why he was trudging into their room at _three in the fucking morning_? Hamilton hadn't even answered (fucking typical), he'd just waved a dismissive hand and fallen onto his bed, fully clothed, bag on and books covering him. Then, when Thomas had woken up at nine, Hamilton hadn't risen. It was now two and he still wasn't up.

Thomas ran a tired hand through his hair before he pulled a jumper on and picked his keys up from his desk. He sneered at Hamilton, even though his idiotic roommate couldn't see him. Clenching his jaw he opened the door, determined not too let Alexander fucking Hamilton put him in a bad mood. He was going to have a good day. He was going to go to The Grind, get some coffee, walk to the library, see James, talk with James, persuade James to go for pizza, and forget Hamilton exists. He smiled to himself as he opened the door, although his smile quickly turned to an angry frown when he saw John Laurens standing on his doorstep.

Thomas groaned as he leaned on the threshold, folding his arms. "Is this like your _hobby_ , Laurens?" He rolled his eyes when Laurens looked at him, eyebrow arched, a slightly confused look on his face. "Turning up on my doorstep?"

Laurens rolled his eyes and made to step past Thomas, but he shot out his arm, blocking him from getting in. "What do you need, Laurens?"

"It doesn't affect _you_ , Jefferson," Lauren spat, eyes narrowed. Thomas grinned slightly. Oh, Laurens was _pissed_. At Hamilton? Or was he coming to his boyfriend for comfort?

"What's got you in a tizzy, Laurens? A _lovers' spat_ , perhaps?" Thomas smirked, biting his bottom lip. Laurens' cheeks went red before he ran his tongue over his teeth.

"Let me in Jefferson." Thomas was too tired for this shit.

"Whatever," Thomas shrugged and Laurens began to push his way in. "He's asleep though. I think he's sick. Won't wake up." Thomas added. He was slightly surprised when Laurens hesitated in the threshold. He put his hand on the side of the door and leaned in, biting his lip when he saw Hamilton asleep. 

"He's sleeping," Laurens muttered under his breath as he took a step away from the door and pulled the door shit, blinking when it clicked shut. Thomas didn't know if Laurens was asking or stating but he answered anyway.

"Unless he's dead."

Laurens looked at him and shook his head. "Fuck off, Jefferson."

Thomas rolled his eyes. "That's what I was trying to do, before you showed up on my doorstep, John."

"It's not just your room," Laurens said. "Just tell him I was here. Please?"

Thomas debated telling Laurens to go fuck himself. That's what he really wanted to do, but instead he just nodded and sighing said, "Sure. Whatever, you can leave now." Laurens hesitated, before he walked away sighing and scuffing his feet. Thomas watched him walk away down the stairs before he followed after, heading for The Grind. God, he could not wait till he could leave this place. Also leaving Alexander Hamilton and his annoying fucking friends behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IK it's a short one, sorry. Summer holidays coming up so loads of updates coming soon


	50. You and I, Do or Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're a fucking idiot, Alexander Hamilton,"
> 
> Alex looks for John.

ALEX

"He's not here, man."

Alex groaned in frustration and leaned against the wall, folding his arms. The sun was shinning brightly from the large window in the hall, almost blinding Alex. He squinted as looked up at Herc in desperation. Herc  just laughed, shaking his head as he picked at the apple he was holding. "Heard you two had a fight yesterday."

Alex rolled his eyes before he shouted into the apartment, "Lafayette! I know you're listening. Get the fuck out here!"

The front door slowly creaked open, and Laf stuck his head out. " _Oui_?"

Alex shot him a glare at the same time Herc barked a husky laugh. "We didn't _fight,"_ Alex protested. "Barely."

Laf snorted as he pushed the door open the whole way and stood in the threshold, arms folded. " _Non_ ," Laf shook his head. "You were both screaming. At three in the morning. You were definetly fighting."

"It's my fault," Alex sighed, running a hand through his hair. 

"I'm not taking sides," Laf consoled. "But it was definetly, entirely your fault. You are correct." Alex shot him a look but Laf just shrugged, grabbing the apple out of Herc's hand (ignoring his protests) and took a bite.

"Why haven't you looked for him yet?" Herc asked, looking down at his watch. Herc was the only person Alex knew that still wore a watch. "It's like four in the afternoon."

"I was asleep!" Alex asserted. 

"You were?" Herc asked, grinning at the same time Laf clapped. 

"That's not what we're talking about right now," Alex sighed, desperately trying to change the subject. He wasn't stupid - he knew what he'd been doing couldn't exactly be classified as healthy, but Alex had thought he could handle it. Obviously, he had been wrong. When he'd gotten dressed today, he'd glanced in the mirror, and frowned when he'd seen the weight he'd lost. He hadn't really realised how bad it had gotten. He hadn't been thinking of it as not living, not eating and not sleeping. He'd just been thinking about working. Constantly.

"He's not picking up his phone, or replying to my texts!" Alex sighed in frustration, kicking the wall with his foot. Too hard. He cursed under his breath and grabbed his foot. It was then when he realised he was wearing John's vans. 

"That's cause he left his phone here," Herc cocked his head, a smirk blooming onto his face. Alex gritted his teeth when Laf dangled John's phone in front of him. Alex was too tired for this.

He'd woken up at three to an empty room (empty of Jefferson, that is), still dressed, on top of his duvet. He vaguely remembered walking back to the dorm, then Jefferson shouting at him, then falling into his bed. The only thing that Alex could really remember, clear as fucking day, was arguing with John. 

God. Alex was such a dick. He knew he was a dick. Literally, the fucking worst.

When Alex had woken up (with a post it note stuck on his head reading;  ** _ur bf came round 4 u. seemed pissed, looks like ur in deep_ _shit_** ) he'd still been angry. He'd pulled the note of his face and torn it up, throwing it in the bin before he'd pulled his laptop out of his bag - determined to work.

He'd sat down at his desk and his fingers had hovered over the keyboard when he'd realised what a dick he'd been. It had all smashed onto him: the guilt and remorse and shame weighing down on him. He'd cursed himself and slammed his laptop shut, his hot, red anger now aimed at himself. He'd muttered fiercely to himself (he did that when he was stressed; he also paced) as he'd gotten dressed. By the time he'd walked out of the door, he was ready to drop to his knees and beg for his boyfriend's forgiveness. 

He'd called John like fifty fucking times, and when he _still_ hadn't picked up, Alex had made his way to John and Laf's apartment. He'd practically ran, and when he'd finally reached the top of the stairs (damn Laf and John for living on the top level) he'd been red in the face and panting profusely. You can imagine how exasperated Alex had been when he hadn't found John. 

"Did he say where he was going? Where he went?" Alex asked, his tone desperate. Herc shook his head as he shrugged apologetically.

"Laurens,  _never_ tells us where he's going," Laf rolled his eyes. "He's impossible." Alex almost smiled at that. One of Laf's favourite nicknames for John was impossible; he used it pretty regularly. Whenever he did, John would mutter under his breath, improbable. He never said it aloud, he just whispered it, but Alex always heard. He'd never asked John about it, never really thought about it.

Alex pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes in frustration. "He prefers the term improbable," He miffed as he pushed himself up off of the wall and started to walk down the stairs, trying his hardest to not act like a toddler stomping down the stairs. "I'll see you guys later," He called back to his friends as he took each step down, each more heavy than the last.

"Wait!" Laf called when Alex was halfway down the stairs. He looked up to see Laf and Herc hanging over the railings and looking down at him, Laf waving his hands. "He said something about a _garden,_ " He shouted down, cupping his mouth. Alex immediately felt a wave of relief. Please let John be where I think, Alex thought to himself. "Does that help?" Laf asked, his brows arched down at Alex.

"Yes, yeah, thanks," Alex called back up, not hesitating before he started bollting down the stairs, taking two at a time and jumping the last ones. He prayed to god that John was where he though he'd be. He needed to make this right. He hated fighting with John and they seemed to be doing it constantly. Alex bit his lip as he threw open the front door, weaving in and out of the busy New York streets as he ran to his boyfriend.

 

"Hey," Alex said tentatively as he pushed open the black, iron gate. It creaked the familiar creak that Alex had heard about a hundred times before. As he looked around his heart squeezed. He hadn't been back here for a while. Not since John and him had broken up. Everything was the same. Their black, wooden gazebo was the same. Their blooming, red rosebushes were the same. Their green fir trees that loomed over the whole secret garden were the same. Everything was exactly the same. Everything apart from John and Alex.

John looked up from the gazebo and smiled lightly when he saw Alex. "Hi," He said softly, his blue eyes sparkling. Alex sighed as he walked slowly over to the gazebo. He sat down next to John, both of them silent. Alex bit the inside of his cheek as he watched John's knees jolt up and down. John was constantly fidgeting, like he always had too much energy and he didn’t know what to do with any of it.

"I'm a shit boyfriend. And a shit person," Alex started, running his hand through his hair as he looked down at his lap. John looked at him and shook his head. His tight curls were in a ponytail and some of the hairs were loose and dangling in front of his face. He looked like a painting. Like one of his own drawings. He was wearing a plain white, long sleeved top, which was uncharacteristic for John, (different from the usual band tees) and black, ripped jeans. He looked...he looked like John. Kind, cute, nerdy, smart, amazing John Laurens.

" _Alex_ ," John started, running a hand down his tawny face.

"No," Alex shook his head, looking John in the eye. "I need to say this." John bit his bottom lip and frowned but he slowly nodded. "I'm a shitty boyfriend," Alex continued. "I fucked you over. More than once. I keep messing up, and I’m not...I’m just not good at this. Not good at...relationships, and thinking about what I do affects other people. But I want to keep trying. I really want to keep fighting and trying. I want to keep trying and fighting for this...for us. For you." Alex swallowed as he ran his tongue over his teeth and looked away from John - unable to look into his boyfriend's beautiful eyes anymore. 

There was silence for a moment. A pressing silence that made Alex's stomach clench. "What are you saying, Alex?" John asked, his tone stony.

"I'm saying that I wanna stay. Stay and be your shitty boyfriend. If you'll let me. I wanna stop...fighting. I just want to _be_ with you.” Alex looked up, his face hopeful. John was still for a bit, before he grinned brightly and wrapped his arms around Alex tightly. He felt like crying in relief as he nestled his head into his boyfriend's neck. 

"You're a fucking idiot, Alexander Hamilton," John laughed, and hearing that laugh made Alex die inside. "But I love you. Recklessness and argumentativeness and all."

"I love you too," Alex grinned as he slowly pulled away to see John's face. See his constellations and tooth gap and crushing blue eyes and bright smile that made Alex fall for him all over again. "I love you so much."

John snorted and rolled his eyes, "You're an idiot." 

Alex cocked his head and brushed away a stray lock of hair from John's face. "Yeah, but you love me."

John sighed and smiled softly, his arms resting on Alex's shoulders. "I live for you, Alexander Hamilton. I think I was _made_ just for you. It's like you're the only one who speaks my language. Meeting you, Alexander Hamilton, was like meeting an enigma. You might be my actual heart. It definitely fucking feels like it, especially when we're fighting. When you talk about the stuff you love, it makes me love you even more. When you smile, I just wanna draw you. I just wanna be with you, all the fucking time."

Alex felt like his heart was bursting. And to think, they were fighting a couple of hours ago. Alex gulped as he looked at John, his beautiful John fucking Laurens. Incredible, kind, amazing John. John with his freckles and his fucking tooth gap and his rock hard abs and his drawings and his guitar. 

"You should write poetry, turtle," Alex whispered as John softly brushed his jaw with his knuckles. “You could sell that. Make a poster.”

John snorted and shook his head, his curls bouncing lightly. "Nah. You're the writer, Hamilton."

Alex laughed softly as he smiled. He couldn’t help it. Everything about John made him want to smile and dance and sing. John grinned back, his tooth gap making Alex laugh lightly.

“You and I, Hamilton,” John breathed as he nestled into Alex. “You and I.”

“Do or die,” Alex said softly as he wrapped his arms around John and brought him in closer. He could feel John’s heart against his own.

"I really like you and I love you, John Laurens."

"I really like you and I love you, Alexander Hamilton."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are really annoying kids outside my window and I wanna shut my window but the UK is legit an oven right now so I can’t. God, is that what it’s like to have a social life?


	51. Who Tells Your Story - EPILOGUE PART 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You still have that accent."
> 
> John talks to George. Alex talks to Maria.

 

**_FOUR YEARS LATER_ **

 

JOHN

_Dinggggggg_

John sighed and rolled over, lightly pushing Alex. "The door, Alex," John murmured sleepily.

Alex just grunted and, shaking his head, brought the duvet up over him. " _Alex_ ," John repeated, but his boyfriend didn't move from under the covers. John sighed and pushed himself up off of the bed. He looked back at Alex as he pulled a shirt on. Alex was peeking out from under the covers, a smirk plastered on his face. John just flipped him the middle finger as he grabbed a pair of jeans from the sofa and pulled them on. He slammed the door behind him, leaving his laughing boyfriend in their bed.

He walked through the hall, shouting, "Coming," when the bell went again. He yawned, who was even knocking this early? Who would even bother walking all the way up here? Alex and John lived on the top floor of their building because, you know, best view of the city. He walks through the living room, almost slipping on the carpet. That stupid goddamned fucking carpet.

They’d seen it in the window of a vintage shop when they’d been furniture shopping, and Alex had fallen in love. John had been strong at first, shaking his head and insitisting that they go get a rug that didn’t cost $420. But Alex had practically begged John and because John loved Alex, he’d caved. And now, everytime John walked across that fucking carpet he almost decked it.

John tiredly ran a hand down his face, his stubble scratching his hand, before he pulled open the badly-painted, red, front door. He was expecting Lafayette, or Peggy, he was _not_ expecting his old dorm-mate, George fucking Frederick.

John didn't say anything, just stared at George and he was pretty sure his mouth fell open. George stood in the hall awkwardly, his feet shuffling as he ran a hand through his blonde hair. "Hello," he tried, shrugging up at John. 

"Hi," John said, looking at his old roommate. He hadn't seen George in four years, not since he was twenty. George looked different. His blonde hair wasn't shaggy anymore, but shaved at the sides and slightly curly at the top. He wasn't pale and skinny anymore but quite tanned and muscular. John blinked. Was he still asleep? The fuck was happening? Was this real? What the fuck?

"You're a hard man to find, John Laurens," George smiled slightly but it turned into more of a grimace. John resisted the urge to roll his eyes; George still had that harsh, very obvious english accent. John didn't reply, he was too shocked to form an answer. Why the _fuck_ was George Frederick on his doorstep? They'd never gotten on when they'd been at school, so John highly doubted he was here for a little chat.

"I still thought you lived with Lafayette," George commented. "I went there, and he gave me your new address. Uh, this one.”

John shook his head, still slightly dumfounded. "Moved here a year ago."

George nodded, and there was an awkward silence for a moment while John just stared at George, and George looked down at his feet. It was then when John saw the suitcase. George was standing slightly in front of it and it took John a couple of seconds to realise it was _his_ suitcase. The suitcase he’d given George four years ago. The Christmas miracle.

"Is that...is that my... _suitcase_?" John asked, eyebrow arched. George nodded, almost too eagerly, and pulled the suitcase forward and handed it to John. 

"Yeah," George smiled. John didn't think he'd ever seen George smile. It was...unsettling. "I found it in my attic. Me and Sam, we're going to England for a bit and we were packing and I found it. I took it when I left the dorm, and I always meant to give it back. Sorry, by the way, for not returning it after all these years."

John smiled lightly as he took the suitcase from George. "After all these years," He muttered before he looked up at George. "You wanna go get a coffee, maybe?" He asked. He didn't really know why he asked George. Maybe it was a heat of the moment type of thing, or maybe he just genuinely wanted to talk to his old roommate. He didn’t seem like such a massive prick anymore.

George bit his lip and glanced at his watch before he looked up at John and smiled. "Yeah, sure. I have time. Let's get coffee. Everyone always talked about that place when we went to school. The Grind or something. Maybe it's still here. Ever heard of it?"

"Yeah. I have.” John said, smiling. "You still have that accent."

"So do you, Laurens."

 

ALEX

"Don't get that book. It's shit."

Alex turned to see Maria standing behind him. She was leaning against a shelf, ankles crossed, arms folded. Alex hadn't seen Maria for two years. Last time he'd seen her was at Peggy's twenty-first birthday party. It had been fucking huge. Laf had somehow managed to get this massive warehouse that could fit like five hundred people. Alex hadn't known half of the people there. He'd seen Maria for a split second then she'd disappeared into the sea of drunk, dancing people and music. 

She was still beautiful. Her big brown curls perfectly framed her face, her plump lips and delicate face. Still beautiful. She was wearing a red pantsuit and heels: work clothes. Impressive work clothes. She looked like she had a good job; probably a lawyer or an editor or something powerful. Fitting.

"Maria,” Alex started, slipping the book back into the shelf. “I...” He paused, unable to think; his thoughts smashing into his head all at once. “I never...I’m sorry, Maria. I’m really sorry.”

 

MARIA

Maria hadn’t walked into Barnes & Noble to see Alexander Hamilton. She’d walked in to buy a book, preferably one without the words; love, romance, men or marriage.

She’d walked straight to the poetry section, fiddling with her ring, determined to find a book and get back to work in time. She only got half an hour for lunch. Then she’d seen Alexander.

Just turn around, she told herself, or at least just ignore him. Just pick a book and get outta there. But she didn't listen to herself. She watched as he picked up a book, one she’d read and had hated, and ran his fingers tentatively down the spine, as if it was alive. 

"Don't get that book. It's shit," She said as she leaned against a shelf, desperately praying that she looked casual and not terrified. Because she kinda was. Terrified.

He turned and Maria's heart galloped. He was still handsome, even _more_ so actually. Age had worked in Alexander's favour. He wasn't skinny and lanky anymore, but rather lean and slim. His hair was shorter than before and instead of just fuzz on his jaw, now he had full on stubble. He didn't have the bags under his eyes that he had basically had tattooed on at uni. He looked incredibly handsome; especially in those jeans and short sleeved, red striped t-shirt.

She wasn't still in love with Alexander Hamilton. She hadn't been for three years. It had taken her a while to get over him, but she had. And looking at him, her knees didn't buckle and her heart didn't long for him. Sure, he was unequivocally handsome and any handsome man made Maria blush, but she wasn't n love with him. Well, she was pretty sure she wasn't.

"Maria," Alexander said, his face shocked. "I..." Alex paused and looked down before he looked back up, his eyes wild. "I never...I'm sorry, Maria. I'm really sorry."

Oh.

Well.

She was not expecting _that_.

"You're... _sorry_?" She asked, eyebrow arched and head cocked. "Why are you...you're... _what_?" She ran a hand through her curls as she took a step forward. "Why are _you_ sorry?"

Alex smiled lightly, which made Maria even more confused. "I strung you along. I acted like I...I was alone and stressed and...fucked,” Alex said, sighing and looking down. “I should never have kissed you. I should never have slept with you. I should’ve never acted like I...like I loved you because that wasn’t fair to you. You’re beautiful and smart and incredible Maria and I’m sorry for never explaining anything to you. Never apologising.”

Maria snorted and folded her arms. “You don’t have to apoligise to me, Alexander. I knew you were dating someone, knew you loved someone and I took your desperateness and used it. So, I’m sorry.”

Silence surrounded them for a moment as they looked at each other. It wasn’t a necessarily awkward silence, more of a companionable one. “The ring,” Alex said, looking down at Maria’s hand.

“Oh,” she started, bringing her hand up. She twisted the ring around her finger and bit back the tears that threatened to fall. It was a beautiful ring. Silver, with a massive diamond studded on it. It made Maria sick. “Yeah. The ring.”

“You’re engaged?” He asked, smiling brightly. Maria had always liked Alexander’s smile. 

“Yeah, uh...James, asked...last week,” She answered, tucking a stray curl behind her ear.

Alex frowned. “James,” he repeated, slowly, anger dripping into his voice. Maria didn’t say anything, just nodded. “You’re engaged to _James?”_ Alex asked, his eyes wide. 

Maria sighed as she fiddled with the ring. “I think so.”

“You _think_ so?”

Maria bit her lip, her eyes watering. “I caught him sleeping with someone. Last night. My friend. Best friend, actually. Or at least she was. Iris...that’s uh...that’s her name,” Maria tried a laugh, but it came out humourless. She looked down, her throat bobbing as she leaned against a wall, running her fingers along the books. 

“Oh, shit, Maria, I’m-”

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” She cut him off, shaking her head. “I’m not.” She shrugged as she ran a hand down her neck. “I’m not surprised, or sorry.” 

“You’re still wearing the ring,” Alex stated. She looked up at him, their eyes meeting. His dark eyes were painted in pity. She didn’t want his pity. 

“Yes,” she agreed. “I am.” She didn’t elaborate. She didn’t need to elaborate. She didn’t owe Alexander Hamilton an explanation. She didn’t even know why she’d told him in the first place. She didn’t owe him anything. She’d apoligised. Now they were even.

“You’re still with Laurens?” She asked, changing the subject before he could press her. Alex’s eyes sparkled and lit up when she mentioned John’s name.

He nodded and smiling, said, “Yeah, we moved out together a year ago. It’s good. We’re good.” 

Maria tried to not let jealousy of someone else’s good relationship flood her. Instead, she nodded and smiled before she sighed and said, “I’ll see you around Hamilton.”

Alex didn’t smile back, just took the book, that she’d told him not to get, off the shelf and said, “Be safe, Maria.” She just nodded, and turned on her heels and walked out of the shop, flicking her hair off her shoulders and completely forgetting to buy a book.

She made it back to work on time. She strutted in, her hips swaying and hair bouncing as she pulled the ring off her finger and threw it in the trash on the way to her desk. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry bruv, not over yet (although idk why you would read this, thx tho)


	52. Who Tells Your Story - EPILOGUE PART 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re all shackled by the heavy chains of relationships.”
> 
> John and Alex get an invitation. The group throws another party.

ALEX

“I’m not going to his wedding.”

John sighed and ran a tired hand through his curls. “Babe,” he tried but Alex cut him off by shaking his head and cutting his hand through the air. 

“He’s such a dick. I mean, why would he even invite us? God, what a dick. I’m not going. Screw that. No. No thank you.” Alex folded his arms and leaned against the wall, scowling. John smiled gently and slid the invitation back into the envelope before placing it on the table. “He’s invited us. We kinda have to go,” John shrugged as he came up next to Alex, leaning his head against his shoulder. 

“No we don’t,” Alex protested as he started to pace the room. John stayed against the wall, a slight smirk on his face. “You should hear the shit he says at work, John. It’s un-fucking-believable!” John opened his mouth, no doubt to try and balance out Alex’s rising heartbeat, but Alex just kept talking. “I mean, he’s sided with Jefferson for this case,” Alex spun to face his boyfriend, eyes wide. “Fucking Jefferson! It’s bullshit. I mean, this was my law firm. I worked there. Me,” Alex paused slightly before he cocked his head. “Okay, Fine, so did Madison. But Madison I can...work with. Unless he’s with his fucking _bestie_. Then Burr shows up. And you know what, I can deal with him when he’s not being a massive fucking dick, but... _but then,_ Jefferson turns up. His fucking annoying face and his stupid, idiotic, asinine Afro.” Alex groaned and stopped talking. He shut his mouth as he watched a smirk creep onto John’s face. 

“The old university crew back together again,” John grinned. Alex sighed and rolled his eyes.

“I’m not going to that wedding,” he declared. “I’d rather...never...never read again.” He folded his arms and pursed his lips, certain that he was a cast of stubbornness. But John just laughed. 

“God. You’re such a nerd,” he laughed as he pushed himself off of the wall, and grabbed the invitation from the table, sticking it on the fridge before he pulled open a cabinet and pulled out a bag of chips.

“Don’t put that on the fridge!” Alex exclaimed before he pulled the bag out of John’s hands. “Also that is not for you. That is for tonight.”

“Laf will have food,” John protested, trying to pull the bag back but Alex was quicker and pushed it out of reach.

“Not nice food,” Alex reminded him. “He’s on that weird _only healthy food in this house_ thing.” 

“He’s just doing that cause Adrienne is. He wants to be a quote, ‘ _good fiancée_ ’,” Alex paused as he glanced at the cream envelope on the fridge. “God, why is everyone we know getting married. It’s an epidemic,” Alex rolled his eyes. John laughed, but it didn’t really sound right. It sounded forced. John ran a hand through his hair and bit his lip. That was John’s thinking face. Alex loved it.

“What you thinking about?” Alex asked. John blinked and looked over at him, their eyes locking. John’s throat bobbed and he shook his head, trying to smile. 

“Nothing, it’s nothing, just stupid,” he shrugged but before Alex could press him he said, “I’m...I’m gonna go take a shower.”

Alex watched him walk out the room, scratching the back of his neck and sighing and he couldn’t help but think that maybe it was the opposite of nothing.

 

JOHN

John kept glancing at Alex from the other side of the room. His boyfriend was on the other sofa, sitting with Hercules and Elizabeth. Herc had his arm around his wife and Elizabeth was smiling up at him, running her hands through his cropped hair. The sparkle of her golden wedding ring was shinning in John’s eye. He squinted and looked away, laughing when he saw Adrienne and Laf dancing, Angelica and John spinning around together near them. Their laughter the only music playing. He almost wanted to jump off of his seat and dance with them.

“Hello, Mr Laurens.” John looked up to see Peggy leaning on the arm of the sofa. She was grinning brightly down at him, her dimples crinkling as she ran a hand through her brown curls. She was late, the party started ten minutes ago, and she was still in her work clothes; yellow pinafore and white crop top. Her hair was thrown up in a bun, much like John’s. Peggy was some posh, fancy magizine editor’s assistant. She loved it. John worked in the building opposite her’s, and they got lunch together every day.

“Why hello, Miss Schuyler,” John smirked as she slid off the arm and landed in John’s lap. “Can’t believe we’re still doing this, after all these years,” John remarked as they both looked around the room at their friends, Peggy wrapping her arms around John’s neck. 

“The Friday parties are iconic,” Peggy smiled. “ _Legendary_ even.” John nodded, agreeing with her. He watched his friends dance, Angelica giggiling as John lifted her by the waist and spun her around, her dark curls bouncing. Laf and Adrienne had somehow ended up on the floor, hand in hand. They were both lying down, sprawled out and talking, both of them smiles on their faces. 

“It’s grown. Not just the seven of us anymore,” John observed. “Now there’s ten.”

Elizabeth had been the first addition. She had been the first girlfriend that Herc had brought to the Friday party. She was nice - John liked her. She was quiet and kinda shy, but she made Herc happy and that was good enough for John. She had fair skin and light brown hair that she normally put up in a messy bun. She was slight and small, nearly six inches shorter than Herc. Elizabeth and Herc have been going out for three years. They’re old family friends, and they’d apparently known each other since they were born. They hadn’t seen each other for a while, but Elizabeth had come to visit Herc and he’d ‘ _finally realised her beauty_ ’. Herc’s words not John’s. They’d gotten married last year, and John’s face had hurt afterwards from smiling all day.

“Yeah,” Peggy shrugged, “You’re all shackled by the heavy chains of relationships.” John snorted and lightly elbowed her.

“I wouldn’t say _shackled_ ,” John rolled his eyes. Peggy snorted and shot him a look that said; _sure, whatever you say._ Peggyand Elizawere the only single ones in their friend group. Well, John didn’t really know if you could class whatever Peggy was doing as being _single_. He couldn't even remember the last time she had a boyfriend that lasted more than two weeks. She always seemed to be ‘talking to someone’ or ‘seeing him casually’ never really dating anyone. 

But Peggy didn’t seem to care. She looked like she was having fun doing her own thing. “Fine,” Peggy cocked her head, smiling, “How about enslaved?” She looked around, smiling, at everyone but her smile faltered slightly when her eyes landed on Alex. She bit her lip slightly, her eyes narrowed as she looked back at John. He sighed and folded his arms, running his tongue over his teeth.

John was pretty sure that Peggy had never forgiven Alex for what he did. He was also pretty sure that Peggy had never forgiven John for forgiving Alex. Not even after four years. 

She’d actually managed to keep up her silence for longer than John had expected. Six months. Peggy had ignored John and Alex for six months. They’d worked together at the Grind for six months and she’d still acted like John didn’t exist. She hadn’t come to the Friday parties for six months. She’d ignored John’s calls for six months. She’d ignored John for six months. But she’d finally caved. After six months of being ignored, John had sat outside Peggy’s dorm room and had refused to leave until she forgave him. She had, after three hours of John sitting outside her door. Well, at least, she’d said she had forgiven him.

“How about happy and in love?” John suggested. Peggy crinkled her nose.

“Ugh. You sound like a greeting card,” She snorted. John was about to shoot back when Peggy looked up and jumped off of John, running to Eliza who was just walking in. Eliza laughed as she pulled her coat off and then pulled Peggy into a hug. John watched, smiling when Angelica pulled away from John and leapt over to her sisters, all three of them smushed into one big hug. They squealed and giggled as they danced around in a big huddle. “We didn’t think you would make it!” Peggy laughed. 

“To be sure,” Eliza giggled as the sisters pulled apart. She smiled at John, before her sisters whisked her away towards Laf and Adrienne. Eliza looked nice, she was tanned and she’d cut her hair so it now reached her collarbone. She looked different, more grown up. Well, John guessed they all were kinda grown up now. If you could class twenty four as adults. But Eliza had always been the most mature, and now she looked the part. 

John hadn’t seen Eliza in a year; she’d gone to live in Brittany for her job. She was an elementary teacher and she’d gone to teach English. She’d come back home to visit a couple of times, but John had never managed to see her, he was always doing something. 

John pushed himself off of the sofa and made his way over to his friends. Eliza was sitting next to Alex, and his boyfriend grinned when John sat down next to them. “So are you staying?” Alex asked Eliza, smiling when John slipped his hand into Alex’s. 

Eliza nodded, “Yep. This is me now. Staying with Peggy until I can get my own place.”

“You could always stay with me and Gilbert,” Adrienne offered, tossing her long dark brown hair over her shoulders. She was sitting next to Eliza, and Laf was on the floor, head in his fiancé’s lap and smiling giddily at her. 

John had never seen Laf so lovestruck. He always zoned out now, and just stared at Adrienne, his eyes wide and wishful. It was as if he kept falling for her all over again. It wasn’t hard to see why. Adrienne was beautiful. 

She was tall and elegant. She had long, dark brown hair that always looked like it was out of a shampoo advert. Her face was delicate and slight and her features were dainty. She was tanned and her face was dusted with freckles. 

Laf met Adrienne purely because he was the only one in their history class who could speak french well enough to understand her. Adrienne Noailles moved here three years ago from Paris, barely able to order a coffee in English. So, when she’d first stepped into the history lecture, talking on the phone in rapid french, Lafayette had fallen. And he’d fallen hard. 

Adrienne and Laf were practically polar opposites. Where he was warm and aloof, Adrienne was cold and blunt. She was nice enough if you could get past the honest remarks. She was quick witted, sardonic and snappish. Contrasting Laf’s loose humour and chill vibes. But somehow, they balanced each other out. 

He’d pestered her until she’d agreed to go out with him. Apparently, their first date had been a lot of flirting and flexing (Laf) and eyebrow arching and snorting (Adrienne) but for some reason, when Laf had called her later that night, Adrienne had answered. Somehow, _miraculously_ , they’d ended up going out, moving in together and getting engaged. They even had a cat; a tabby called Madame. Laf had proposed six months ago, in Central Park, in the pouring rain and the thundering rain. Adrienne had cried and grinned and screamed yes as Laf had slipped the ring on her elegant finger.

That very engagement ring was now staring John in the eye. The diamond kept catching his gaze the rest of the night, and John tried to ignore the feeling that flooded him everytime he saw it. It was a sort of sinking feeling, but also mixed with...guilt and...hopefulness? 

What was happening?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m on holiday in Florida and omfg I’m melting. How do people live here? But omg I love Target. And Barnes and Noble. I wanna live there. God, America makes the Uk look so small.


	53. Who Tells Your Story - EPILOGUE PART 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re fidgeting, Laurens.”
> 
> John wears a suit.

ALEX

John Laurens looked pretty fucking good in a grey suit.

Even if he did keep picking at it.

“You’re fidgeting, Laurens,” Alex whispered. John shot him a look, eyebrow arched. 

He pouted and crinkled his nose. “It’s really itchy,” he shot back. Alex smiled as he watched his boyfriend pull at his hair, he couldn’t help it, John was too fucking cute. “And my hair’s too tight,” John remarked as he bit his bottom lip. 

“If I remember correctly,” Alex stated as he looked around the hall at the dancing couples. “You’re the one that wanted to come here, Turtle. I did not.” John grinned as he lightly shook his head. 

The grand hall buzzed with excited chatter, people laughing and partners dancing. As John and Alex stood against the wall at the back of the hall, Laf and Adrienne were on the dance floor. Adrienne looked like a painting. Her long, dark hair had been pinned up into a perfect bun and she was wearing a green dress that ended at her knees. The skirt flowed and jumped as Laf spun her around. Lafayette, on the other hand, looked like a eight-year-old boy who had just climbed a tree. His tie was loose and his hair was falling all over his face. They were both smiling though, their matching grins shining. Laf had always loved weddings. Alex didn’t know who had more control over the planning of Laf and Adrienne’s wedding. Adrienne wanted white roses and Laf wanted blue roses.

Alex had been so unfortunate as to be at their house when they’d been arguing. He’d just been sitting at the kitchen island, minding his own business, planning how to get rid of Burr and Jefferson, when Laf had walked into the kitchen, Adrienne at his heels. They were arguing, both of them speaking rapid french in raised ones.

Adrienne and Laf sometimes spoke french to each other, normally so everyone else wouldn’t be able to understand them. Unfortunately, since Alex spoke fluent french, that meant he could always understand everything that was being said. Even when he didn’t want to.

“ _Mon cher_!” Adrienne had cried out, following him. “Les roses bleues n'existent pas. S'il te plait écoute moi. Ils ne sont pas une vraie chose!” She’d exclaimed, her arms flaling. ‘ _Blue roses do not exist. Please listen to me. They are not a real thing!’_

Alex had sat silently on the stool awkwardly, hoping that tech ground would open and take him somewhere else. Anywhere else. Even Jefferson would be better than that. No. Actually, that would be the worst.

“Je les ai déjà vu!” Laf protested, leaning against the wall. “Je suis sûr que j'ai,” He sounded so certain, even though he was wrong. He was definetly wrong _. ‘I’ve seen them before, I’m sure I have.‘_

Adrienne had sighed in exasperation and shook her head. That was when they’d noticed Alex. Adrienne had turned to him and smiled and Laf had grinned.

“Alex!” They’d both said at the same time, easily sliding into english. Then they’d paused slightly, eyed each other and snapped their heads back to Alex and both asked, again at the same time, “Who’s right. I’m right. Right?”

Alex had breathed out slowly and looked from Adrienne to Laf. “Uh...” He’d trailed off. He hadn’t know if he was meant to actually answer or just abstain and stay out of it. “Technically...yes, Adrienne is correct, blue roses aren’t really...aren't really a thing.”

Adrienne had laughed and spun around, arching her eyebrows at Laf. He’d rolled his eyes and pulled his fiancée into a hug. “Fine, we can have white roses,” He’d sighed, wrapping his arms around Adrienne. She smiled prettily and tilted her head up at Laf. He grinned broadly as she ran her fingers through his hair. 

Then they had started making out.

Alex had pursed his lips and quietly shut his laptop. He’d slid off the stool and tired to quietly tiptoe away. He’d sighed when he’d finallly gotten out of that kitchen, clutching his laptop to his chest and trying to wipe the memory from his mind. He had still been able to hear them as he’d walked to the living room. “Est-ce que cela signifie que je peux choisir la couleur de la peinture pour la salle de bain?” Laf had asked.  _‘Does this mean I can pick the paint colour for the bathroom?’_

“Oui,” Adrienne had giggled.

“Orange,” Laf had declared.

The last thing Alex had heard before he shut the door, blocking them out, had been Adrienne sighing.

-

A group of about five children were running between the tables. Alex was pretty sure they were playing tag. One of the girl skidded and fell down next to John. He bent down and helped her up. “Are you okay?” He asked the little girl. Her tights had ripped and her knees were scraped and red, but the little girl just smiled. “Thank wu,” she giggled before she ran off, squealing as another little boy chased after her. 

“Aren’t you just a shining knight in armour,” Alex smirked as John stood up. 

“I would certainly hope so,” John said, pulling at his sleeves. “Don’t worry, you can be my prince, Hamilton.” Alex snorted but leaned into John when his boyfriend wrapped an arm around him. Alex watched as the little girl and boy slid under the table Herc and Elizabeth were sitting at. 

The kids poked their heads out from the table cover and smiled up at Herc, giggiling and squealing. Herc looked uncomfortable. Elizabeth smiled softly and placed her hands on his on the table. He smiled back at her, but Alex saw him freeze when the kids ran out from under the table. Herc didn’t exactly like kids. He said they were grabby, sticky and loud.

Alex watched Herc awkwardly observe the kids as Elizabeth tried to hide a smile. Alex had enjoyed Herc and Elizabeth’s wedding a lot more than Burr’s wedding. Mainly because Herc wasn’t a massive prick. And Burr was. 

Just thinking about him made Alex grit his teeth. It was as if the universe was fucking laughing at him, because at that moment, Burr and Theo walked into the room. There was applause and the scraping of chairs as all the guests stood up to clap and cheer. 

Burr led Theo to the head table, and they sat down next to each other, grinning and holding hands. Theo was still holding her bouquet of tulips and after she set it down next to her, Burr leaned in for a kiss. She giggled and brought her hands up to his face as she kissed him back. Everyone whooped and cheered until they pulled apart, blushing and laughing. 

Theo looked beautiful. Her dress was beautiful; a princess dress with a long train. Her dark hair was pinned up in a plaited bun, a lace veil flowing down her shoulders. She looked like a princess. Especially when she smiled broadly, her dimples crinkling.

Alex looked up at John, who was tentatively watching Theo and Burr with a wishful look in his bright eyes. He bit his bottom lip as he looked down at Alex. Alex cocked his head, trying to figure out what he thinking. Normally, John was pretty easy to read, at least for Alex. But now, Alex had no idea what John was thinking. 


	54. Who Tells Your Story - EPILOGUE PART 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m pretty sure your little, irritating friends are over there,”
> 
> Eliza talks to James.

ELIZA 

Eliza watched John and Alex dance together.

She was standing alone at the back of the hall, watching all her friends dance with their partners, while she stood there awkwardly. Alone.

She sighed and bit her lip as she flattened her blue skirt with her hands. She pursed her lips and leaned her head against the wall, tilting her head to look around at everyone moving together. Everyone apart from her. 

She _had_ been talking and dancing with her sisters, when Angelica had been twirled away by her boyfriend. She’d giggled as he’d taken her by the hand and led her onto the dancefloor, Angelica jumping into John’s arms as he tightly held her and spun her. Eliza liked John Church, Angelica’s boyfriend - he was kind, quiet and shy. A trainee heart surgeon. He was handsome aswell; tall, golden skin, black hair. He was soft and reticent, his voice caring and affectionate. But even if Eliza didn’t like Church, it wouldn’t have mattered, because he loved Angelica and Angelica loved him, and that was all that mattered. 

Eliza exhaled as he hugged her arms tight around herself. That was all that mattered. That you had someone to love, and share your life with. Eliza looked around the hall, at the roses and the dresses and the confetti and the kissing couples. It seemed like everyone but her had someone to love and hold. It wasn’t like she was unhappy, she thought to herself as she accepted a glass of wine from a server. She was really happy. She loved her job, she loved her friends. She loved her amazing life. Sometimes it was just...lonely. Especially now, when there was basically a wedding every other weekend. Maybe she should just get a cat, she thought as she leaned her head against the wall, sipping from her glass.

She tilted her head to the side, smiling at Peggy as she half ran, half walked past, hand in hand with the server she had abandoned Eliza for. Peggy giggled as she stumbled around a corner, her yellow skirt crinkling, the handsome server laughing with her. He was cute; looked quite like Chadwick Boseman. Maybe Peggy would fall in love with this guy. Maybe she would finally stick it out. Start dating him. Move in with him. Get a dog together. Get married. Get...married.

Or maybe she would just make out with him, promise to call him, and then never. Yeah, that was probably more likely.

At least she was having fun. 

Eliza ran a tongue over her teeth as she played with her hair. The slow music twirled like a thread around her. She watched as Alex rested his head on John’s chest, her own chest aching. She pushed herself off of the wall and strode to the front of the hall, her back to her dancing friends.

She looked around for an empty table, but all of them had someone sitting at it. All of them, bar one, had people that Eliza didn’t know sitting at them. She sighed and scanned the room, really not wanting to sit at that table, but when her eyes fell on Alex, who had wrapped his arms around John’s neck, she sighed and sat down. Sat down at the same table as James Madison and Thomas Jefferson.

She looked at them, but didn’t say anything. Just folded her arms and leaned back into the chair. “Hello, Schuyler,” Thomas smirked a coquettish simper, leaning his head on his hand. Eliza narrowed her eyes at him.

“You have a _girlfriend_ ,” She shook her head as she fiddled with her wine glass. Thomas just shrugged, his hair bouncing. His hair had grown into that afro again and he’d scraped it up into a high bun.

“I am very much in love with my girlfriend,” he retorted. “I was merely saying hello to a friend.”

She cocked her head at him. “We are _not_ friends,” she said through gritted teeth. “You are incredibly pestilential and irksome.”

Thomas just grinned widely, leaning forward in his chair. “He takes that as a compliment,” James said quietly, smiling lightly at her. Eliza snorted before she smiled softly at James. Eliza had always liked James, he was nice. Quiet and shy, but nice. And quite cute.

”Why, exactly, are you sitting with us, Eliza?” Thomas asked, straitening his suit jacket. Her throat bobbed and she glanced behind her, her heart clenching when she saw all of her friends laughing. Instead of slow songs, Come On Eileen was now slamming from the speakers. Angelica, Church, Elizabeth and Lafayette were jumping up and down, waving their arms and snorting with laughter. Alex and Herc were dancing particularly badly, their bodies moving awkwardly and their arms flaling randomly. Then there was Adrienne, the only one who could actually dance; she was a professional dancer. She’d danced in a couple of musicals, but Eliza couldn’t really remember the names of any. She was pretty sure one was called Miranda or something. All of them were smiling, and their hair was loose and falling in their faces.

Eliza sighed and turned back to James and Thomas. “I don’t have anyone else to talk to,” she breathed, running her hands over the roses in the middle of the table. There were roses practically everywhere. It was beautiful. The wedding was beautiful. Weddings were always beautiful. 

“I’m pretty sure your little, irritating friends are over there,” Thomas pointed his finger to the back of the hall. Eliza threw him a look. Thomas couldn’t go a minute without insulting or complaining about Alexander. And Alexander couldn’t go a second without moaning about Thomas. It had been bad four years ago, when they’d all been at school together, but now they both worked together and it was constant arguing. 

“He doesn’t mean that,” James apoligised, raising his eyebrows at Thomas, who just shrugged like he couldn’t care less. He probably didn’t. Eliza didn’t think Thomas cared about anything apart from James, his girlfriend, beating Alexander and his job. In that order.

“Weddings are beautiful, aren’t they?” Thomas said, as he started picking at the piece of wedding cake in front of him. “I mean, I almost cried. Didn’t Theodosia look beautiful? I mean that dress, god,” He said, mouth full of cake as he waved his fork around in the air. It was obvious he was being sardonic, but Eliza couldn’t help but agree. Theo had looked beautiful. She glanced up at her and Aaron, who were sitting at the head table. Theo was sitting on Aaron’s lap, her arms around his neck. They were talking softly, both of them gazing into each other’s eyes. Eliza would kill for that.

“Yeah, she did,” Eliza sighed. “You know, I planned my wedding when I was ten years old. I cut out pages from catalogs and drew designs and wrote up menus. I still have the binder.”

“You had a whole  _binder_?” Thomas asked, eyes wide and smirking. Eliza ignored him and turned to James. 

“Do you want to get married, James?” She asked, head on her hand. James gulped and bit his bottom lip, looking awkward.

“I mean, I never really had a binder, but I guess...yeah. I always have just assumed I’d meet the right girl and I’d propose and we’d get married and get a house and have kids.” He smiled at Eliza as he bounced his knees nervously. She smiled back, running her fingers through her hair. 

“Yeah, how’s that working out for you Jamsey? Don’t see any ring.” Thomas added, as he licked icing off of his fingers. He opened his mouth to say more when Martha Wayles slid onto his lap, leaning against him. Martha was Thomas’ girlfriend. She was a junior doctor and she worked with Church. She was very pretty. She was tall and elegant, with delicate features and a slim face. She had long dreadlocks, that she’d styled up in a bun for today. She had grey eyes, like smoke under glass. 

“Hello babe,” Thomas smirked, wrapping his arms around her waist and nuzzling his face in her neck. Martha rolled her eyes but she didn’t push him away. Instead she just simpered down at him and asked, “Dance with me?” Thomas grinned as Martha led him onto the dancefloor, finger gunning Eliza and James before he disappeared into the sea of dancing people. 

Everywhere she looked, there was weddings or kissing or dancing together or people falling in love. It was a mix of heartwarming and infuriating. She seemed like the most desperate for love, and yet, she was the single one. She should really get a cat.

”Are you okay, Eliza?” She turned to see James, watching her warily. She smiled and nodded, even though her heart wasn’t in it. She twirled her glass around in her fingers, the red wine sloshing around. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit tired,” She sighed. James bit his lip, his face a cast of disbelief. She placed the glass down and made to stand up, she was suddenly feeling really warm. She just needed air. She stood up, her skirt brushing her legs, when she felt something on her hand. She turned, her heart beating when she saw James’ hand on hers. “Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, his kind eyes gazing up at her.

She was about to nod, to discard it all, when her eyes fell on Alex. He wasn’t dancing anymore, rather wobbling around on his toes, his neck craned as his dark eyes scanned the room. Everyone else was near him, dancing and grinning. Everyone apart from John: that’s who Alex must be looking for. 

His eyes fell on her and he smiled. That damn smile that made Eliza’s heart both soar and ache. She kept trying to forget about Alex, kept trying to desperately push him out of her heart, but sit was near to impossible.it had been easier, to forget, when she’d been in France. But seeing him recently had been a weight on her chest. Eliza’s eyes were frozen on Alex’s, even as he looked down at her and James’ joined hands. His eyes widened, and he looked up at her, eyebrow arched and face confused, but as quickly as he’d appeared, he vanished into the expanse of people screaming Katy Perry songs. 

Eliza gritted her teeth as she fell back into the chair, and looked at James, shaking her head. “No. I’m not. I’m single and lonely at a wedding. All my friends are getting married. Everyone around me is in love, and I’m not. And the person that I am hopelessly in love with is with someone. And I don’t want them to split up or anything, because they’re both so happy together and they love each other. But it’s just...everything’s so...it’s hard...sometimes,” She blurted out, running a hand through her hair. She felt the tears threatening to fall, and sniffed. She looked down at her lap and she gulped.

“You’re in love?” 

Eliza looked up at James from under her eyelashes. She nodded. James’ face fell for a second before he smiled softly. “But he doesn’t love you back,” He said. She nodded again, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ve been there,” He said, gazing at her, his dark eyes sparkling. 

“You have?” She asked, tentatively. She didn’t think James had ever had a girlfriend, at least not in college. She didn’t know why; he was clever and kind, even if a little soft spoken. But that was a nice quality, in Eliza’s opinion. Maybe Thomas always scared away girls that might like James with his loud, aggravating voice. James nodded, pursing his lips and running a hand through his short hair. “I kinda still am there. I don’t think she ever saw me. Still don’t really think she does,” he looked down. 

“Tell me what she’s like,” Eliza asked softly. She wondered if she knew the girl James liked. James smiled as he looked up at her. 

“She’s kind and caring. She’s smart and beautiful and always puts everyone before herself, even if it hurts her. She never puts her feelings first. She’s incredible.” 

“Well,” Eliza said, smiling up at him. “If she’s as incredible as you say, I’m sure she’ll see you soon, if she already hasn’t. Don’t worry, you’ll get her, James.”

She hoped her words would make James smile, and seem happier, but he just shrugged lightly. “I’m not sure about that,” he said. “I’m pretty sure she likes someone else.” She opened her mouth to say something, even though she didn’t really known what, he just looked so sad and she wanted to make him feel better, but James stood up and offered her his hand. “Would you like to dance with me?” He asked.

Eliza pushed her tongue into her cheek. Chelsea Dagger wasn’t exactly the best song to slow dance to, and that’s what was blasting out of the speakers. The dancefloor was practically a mosh pit now, with people jumping up and down to the beat of the music and screaming along to the lyrics. But Eliza grinned and slipped her hand into James’, letting him lead her onto the dancefloor. 

As her friend spun her around to the loud beat of Chelsea Dagger, Eliza grinned broadly. As James and Eliza danced, hand in hand, Eliza’s blue dress floating and James’ tie loosening: the empty feeling in her heart seemed to fill.

THOMAS

“Oh, look, James is dancing with Eliza.”

Thomas tilted his head to look in the direction that Martha had gestured. He snorted when he saw James and Eliza ballroom dancing, twirling in and out of the people jumping up and down. They were smiling, and Thomas saw the way James was gazing longingly at Schuyler. “James is totally into her,” Thomas shrugged.

Martha’s eyes widened and her mouth fell into an ‘o’ shape. “Really?” She asked, suprised. 

“Oh my fucking god, Marth, it’s so obvious.”

Martha arched an eyebrow at him and placed her hand on her hips. “Did James tell you this?” She asked, her tone doubtful.

Thomas sighed. “Babe, he doesn’t need to, I can _tell_. He’s my best mate. I just know.”

“Don’t you dare pressure James into doing anything,” Martha warned him as they danced. 

“ _Me_? Never,” Thomas smirked. Martha shook her head, but Thomas could see the smile creeping up on her face. Thomas loved her smile. Thomas loved Martha Wayles. “I love you,” He said as he wrapped his arms around her waist. Martha smiled and placed her hands on his chest. 

“That’s the fifth time you’ve said that today,” she told him, biting her bottom lip. Thomas grinned, pulling her closer to him. She looked beautiful. Martha was beautiful. Tall; like 5’ 11” tall. She had these incredible grey eyes, that Thomas found himself gazing at more often than not. She had long, black dreadlocks that framed her face perfectly. She was beautiful. And she was his. And he was hers.

She was wearing a green dress that stopped above her knees. It was strapless with a floaty skirt. She looked like a model. “You look beautiful,” Thomas told her as he pressed a quick kiss to her forehead. 

“Three times. That’s three times you’ve said that now, Tom,” she breathed as she ran her fingers down his face. “But...you don’t look too bad yourself.” Thomas laughed as he spun her around. Martha squealed when he dipped her down low. She tipped her head back and giggled, her hair falling in her face. She still looked beautiful.

Thomas and Martha had only been going out for a month, but Thomas was pretty sure he was in love with her. He couldn’t go one day without talking to her. She was the one person (excluding James, obviously) that Thomas felt like he could be himself around. Martha was kind and caring and she listened. 

When he was with her, everything else left his mind. Because when he was with her, nothing else mattered. The only thing that mattered was Martha (and James, obviously). Beautiful, amazing and incredible Martha Wayles. Hamilton and his stupid fucking mouth didn’t matter. His job didn’t matter, not one single case mattered. Only Martha.

His heart ached from loving her so much. As she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down into a kiss, Thomas Jefferson decideded that he wasn’t ever going to let Martha go.

One day, he was going to marry her.

 


	55. Who Tells Your Story - EPILOGUE PART 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hi Laurens."
> 
> "Hi Hamilton."
> 
> John and Alex profess their love.

JOHN

John peeked over his drawing to watch Alex. His boyfriend was sitting next to him, laptop on his knees and furiously typing. He was biting his bottom lip, his fingers pausing slightly over the keyboard before they started typing again. His dark eyes were trained on the screen, filled with a deep intensity that Alex only got when he was writing. John blinked and lay his head down against the sofa arm, bringing his arm up to check his watch. Seven minutes to two. He stifled a yawn as he glanced at Alex again, smiling lightly.

Ever since that fight, four years ago, John didn’t let Alex stay up on his own. Alex didn’t stay up late every night anymore, just when he had a big project, which he currently did.

He was still wearing his suit from the wedding, his tie loose around his neck, his top button undone and his suit jacket was currently M.I.A. His hair was messy and undone; it kept falling in his face, and instead of tying it back, Alex just kept blowing it away. John had changed when he’d gotten home, around four hours ago. He was wearing his boxers and one of Alex’s hoodies. It was the ugliest hoodie John had ever seen. 

It was bright orange. Bright fucking orange. But it was comfy and cosy. So, really, it was John's jumper now. Maybe he'd get Alex a new, disgusting jumper for Christmas.

He's come home separately from Alex - who had caught a lift with Angelica and Church (John felt bad for the other John, because he got called Church instead of his actual first name. When he and Angelica had first started going out, and in association, had started hanging out with the rest of them, they'd just called him John. It had gotten pretty tiring pretty quickly. Alex would ask John something, and Church would answer or Laf would make an inside joke and Church would be confused. So, Lafayette had come up with the brilliant idea to just call John, Church. Angelica and Church had not jumped to the idea, but it had stuck)

John had arrived home before Alex and when Alex had shown up, he'd refused to tell John where he'd been. He'd just shot John a grin and told him to, trust me. John bit his lip as he brought his pencil to his paper again. He was drawing Theo and Burr. He was drawing their first dance. It had been pretty damn magical to watch. John bit back a wishful sigh as he shaded Theo's hair. When he'd started the drawing, Alex had peeked over his shoulder and threatened to scribble all over Burr's face.

"You want a coffee, babe?" John asked as he pushed himself up off from the sofa. Alex looked up from his work to smile at John and shake his head. John watched his boyfriend as he made his coffee, laughing when Alex tipped his head back to look at him. 

"You wanna go for a walk?" He threw John a side smirk as he ran a hand through his hair, dropping his pen on the paper. He leaned back into the sofa and brought his hands behind his head. John arched an eyebrow and snorted a huff of amusement. "A walk, Hamilton?"

Alex just shrugged, smirking that fucking smile. John ran his tongue over his teeth and bounced his knee as he leaned on the kitchen counter. He sighed before he smiled slightly and stood up, grabbing his coat. "Fine, let's go. For fucks sake. You're really lucky I tolerate you, Hamilton." 

Alex kept smirking as he jumped from his seat and grabbed his coat. Which, was actually John's. " _Tolerate_? I thought you liked me," Alex pouted as John locked the door then slipped his hand into Alex's. John smiled and shook his head down at him as they walked down the stairs, hand in hand. "Fine. I'm only coming on a walk with you at night through New York City, because I like you," John said, brushing his fingers down Alex's knuckles.

"I though you _loved_ me," Alex suggested, eyebrow wiggling. John snorted and lightly pushed him as they stepped outside into the cold crisp air. 

"Let's not push it, Hamilton" John breathed as he pressed a quick kiss to Alex's head. He went to pull away when Alex reached up and wrapped his arms around John's neck and pulled him into a deep kiss. John kissed him back, trying to remember to breathe, because, here's the thing, John had been kissing Alexander Hamilton for almost five years now, and it still made him giddy. He still couldn't really believe it. He was with Alexander Hamilton. They had a place together. Alexander Hamilton loved him. And they were kissing.

Alex's fingertips graze the nape of John's neck in a constant motion and it makes John want to sigh. Their noses bump and Alex giggled into the kiss, and John pulled away, his arms still around Alex. He was panting slightly as he smiled softly down at his boyfriend, tapping his fingers on Alex's jaw. "So, where are you taking me?"

 

As they walked down the streets of New York, John noticed that Alex seemed a little off. He's still Alex. Still laughing and making shitty jokes that no one laughs at apart from John. But he kept looking up at John with a weird look in his brown eyes, and John swore that Alex's voice was shaking slightly. Something's off. But John can't quite place his finger on what, exactly.

He laughed as Alex grabbed his hand and started to pull him down the street. Alex was grinning widely, his whole face smiling. Sometimes John forgot how beautiful Alex was. Sometimes it rushed at him all at once, making his mouth drop open in longing and pride. For example, when Alex had appeared in the doorway of their kitchen as John had been making toast. He'd turned around to see Alex awkwardly standing in the threshold, looking down at his feet and scratching the back of his neck. When he'd looked up, his dark eyes meeting John's, John had dropped the piece of toast he's been holding. "Fuck," he'd breathed.

"What?" Alex had asked, biting his lip, his face fallen. John had shaken his head, his heart smashing against his chest. Alexander Hamilton still managed to make John feel fourteen again.

"You're so beautiful," John had breathed. Alex had just rolled his eyes, even though his cheeks and neck had tinted red.

Sometime, it snuck up on John. For example, when they'd been lying in bed one night, Alex asleep and John awake, it had hit him again. His mouth had been slightly parted as his chest had risen and fallen rhythmically. His beautiful lips, red against his tawny skin. His dark hair falling in his face. 

John laughed when they ended up at their garden. "Now, why are we here?" Alex just shrugged, before he lightly tugged John inside. He followed, and they sat in their gazebo together. John's heart fluttered when he saw the carving. It reminded him of his absolute pain, but it also held happy memories, loving memories that he would always keep close. 

He stood up and slowly traced his fingers over their initials, a faint smile creeping up on him. "How long did this even take you?" John asked. When Alex didn't reply, John turned. Then his heart stopped.

Alex was on the floor, kneeling, a box in his hand. He was smiling awkwardly up at John. Fuck. Oh shitting fuck. Was this really happening? Is this real? What? 

"Hi Laurens," Alex breathed, his voice breaking slightly. 

"Hi Hamilton," John whispered back.

Alex bit his lip before he tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "Wanna keep doing this Laurens? With me...for the long haul?" John's heart was stuck in his throat. "Marry me?" Alex asked, grinning broadly. John let out a happy cry before he nodded, practically throwing himself on Alex. "Yes," he laughed before he pulled Alex into a deep kiss. John had never thought it was possible to be so ridiculously fucking happy. Or at least, for the longest time, rethought he wasn't deserving of it. But he was. And he had it. He would do anything for Alexander Hamilton. He would drain the sea. Burn the sun. Set himself on fire if only to keep Alex warm. He loved him. He was stupidly, crazily, ridiculously in love. And it had all been worth it. All the heartbreak had been worth it. He'd do it again in an instant. If only to be with Alex.

"Yes, I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wanting tor read another Lams fix by me, heres a link ;)
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/16088561/chapters/37573715


	56. In The Eye Of A Hurricane - ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Alexander was better than me," 
> 
> Laf is a good friend to John.
> 
>  
> 
> SERIOUS ANGST WARNING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This alternative ending takes place after Chapter 41: Forgiveness. For a recap, John and Alex have broken up after Alex cheated on John with Maria Reynolds and John has just been to South Carolina. His brother Henry (surprisingly) managed to talk some sense and now John is faced with a dilemma. Forgive or to not. 
> 
> An angst shitstorm is a coming folks

JOHN

The pen that John was holding felt extremely heavy in his hand. He didn't know how Alexander could write constantly, and so well at that. Because all John had written was, _Dear Alexander_ , and he was already fucking stuck. He didn't even know why he was doing this. Writing a fucking letter? Maybe he should just...should just...ugh. John was so fucked. Everything was happening so fast and all his anger and hurt and emptiness was slamming down onto him, suffocating him, drowning him, killing him.

He'd gotten back from South Carolina an hour ago, but he hadn't unpacked his bag. He looked at it now, his throat tightening. It was sitting in the corner of the room, untouched and full. He dropped the pen on the pad, his stomach tightening and stood up from his desk. He paced the floor, his arms folded, before he stopped in the middle of his room and sighed. He'd never paced before. He'd used to think that people didn't actually pace, that it was just something from films, but then he'd met Alexander, who could win a completion in pacing.

For fucks sake, he told himself as he flopped onto his bed, face in his pillow. Why did he keep thinking about Alexander fucking Hamilton? He was a piece of fucking shit. He'd fucking _cheated_ on John. He'd made John think he'd loved him, and then he'd smashed his heart in his hands. John screamed into his pillow before he sat up and kicked his bed. Then he kicked his wall, repeatedly. Then he slammed his foot into his desk, clenching his teeth when all of his things fell off of it and clattered to the floor. John grunted and slumped onto the floor, back against his bed. He let his heavy head fall into his hands.

"What the actual fuck are you doing, Laurens?"

John lifted his head slightly to see Laf standing in his threshold, arms folded and eyebrows arched. "Nothing," John huffed, hoping that Laf would - to put it bluntly - fuck off. But he didn't. He just hovered there for a moment, his arm resting against the side of the threshold before he took a tentative step into the room. John narrowed his eyes at him, but didn't say anything. He was too tired to argue. But somehow, Laf took John's lack of sardonic comments as an invitation to just stroll in. 

Laf shut the door softly behind him, and sat down next to John on the floor. His knees in a basket. John smiled when he saw Laf's scruffy and mucky trainers. Laf was proper rich; like extremely wealthy, but he wore normal clothes. Borderline shitty clothes. Laf saw John smiling and grinned back broadly, which made John roll his eyes. "What are you doing, Laf?" John asked, sighing and folding his arms.

Laf just shrugged, and elbowed John lightly. "Sitting and talking to you, Laurens." 

"Why?" John pushed, gritting his teeth. 

Laf shrugged again before he wrapped his arms around himself. "'Cause you are my very close friend, John Laurens and I am worried about you."

"Worried?" John asked, more himself than Laf, as he ran a hand through his hair. "Why?" Laf just looks at him for a moment, his face a mix of badly suppressed pity and exasperation.

"John...you're barely eating, you've lost a shit ton of weight..." John looked down at himself, his clothes were starting to feel a bit baggy. "you barely speak. Not to me. Not to Herc. Not to Peggy, Eliza or Angelica. Not even Burr or Theo.  _Mon ami_ , we're your best friends," John guessed he hadn't really spoken to his friends in a while, but that was only because there never seemed to be anything to talk about. Nothing he could bring himself to talk about. "you've stopped drawing John. That's your passion. That's what you love."

John sighed and shook his head lightly, even if he winced when he did it. His head felt heavy. Everything felt too heavy. "Maybe I just don't love it anymore," he merely breathed, biting his lip.  John, Laf started, but John just shook his head. "Maybe I don't love anything anymore," he sighed before he brought his knees up to his chest. Laf's silent for a moment, which is uncharacteristic for him. John looked up, chewing on the inside of his cheek, to see a smirk form on Laf's face. John arched an eyebrow in question but Laf had already jumped to his feet. John stayed slumped on the floor and just watched him as he grinned even more.

"Wait here," he told John before he disappeared out of the room. John's eyes lingered on the door before he rolled his eyes. Which might be pointless, because normally you would roll your eyes not because your annoyance is so great you have to, but because you want the person annoying you to know that they are; and Laf wasn't even annoying John, at least not that much. John sighed as he slumped down even further against the bed; why was he over thinking everything?

Maybe he was overthinking the whole Alexander situation. No, he told himself as he folded his arms. Alexander cheated on him. He fucked John over. He made John believe that he loved him, then he fucked him over. He broke John's heart. And it made him so fucking angry. Angry because one person shouldn't be allowed to have this much control over his heart and his feelings and this whole goddamned life. Especially not Alexander Hamilton.

"There's one thing everyone loves." John looked up to see Laf leaning in the threshold, arms folded and holding up two bottles of Sam Adams. "Especially if they're heartbroken over some guy." John frowned slightly when Laf said that. "I'm not heartbrok-"

Laf shook his head as he shut the door behind him. "Shut up, Laurens." John was too shocked to protest or argue back. "You're heartbroken. I get it. It fucking sucks. I can't say I have personally experienced what you're going through John," he said as he sat down next to John and handed him a bottle. "Because I don't think I've ever loved someone like you loved Alexander. You're not stupid, John. You know what you guys had was special. And I'm not denying that Alexander didn't fuck that up. Maybe permanently - that's up to you two. But what you had was special, and pretty fucking rare. I've never seen two people as in love as you and him." 

John's throat bobbed. He didn't know what to say.

"I know he hurt you. I can't imagine the hurt you're feeling right now, John. I get that it's probably eating you up right now. But...but you've got to keep living. You've got to start living again, mon ami. You can't lock yourself up like this. You can't lock your heart up."

John felt his eyes start to water and furiously rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. He looked up at Laf who was smiling lightly at him, but suddenly his friend's gaze was too much too bare and he looked away. He realised that his knees were bouncing and jolting so he pressed his hands against them, trying to hold them down. 

"Why are you punishing yourself, John?" Laf asked softly. John took a shaky breath. 

"Alexander was better than me," John breathed, his voice breaking. "He was better than me, and now I've lost him. And I don't think I'm ever gonna be with someone like that again. I'm never gonna find someone like that...again. Never gonna find someone that good again," John choked out, his breathing heavy. Yes, Alex had fucked him over. But John still thought he was a good person. Pure and good and true and kind. And John still loved him. But he couldn't bring himself to admit it to anyone other than himself - he wasn't even sure he could admit it to himself.

"You're the best person I know, John Laurens." 

John looked up at Laf and cocked his head, smiling lightly. "Laf-"

"No. John. You're the best person I know. I'm serious. I love you so much, mon ami. You're good. You're pure. You're true and kind and you love everyone and you see the good in everyone. You're loving and trusting and we love you. You don't fall in love only once. You'll find it again. I promise, John. I promise with all my heart."

John didn't say anything, his breath was caught in his throat, he just wrapped his arms around Laf. Tight.

"Thank you," John breathed when Laf's arms enveloped him. 

"You're a good person, John Laurens." John didn't say anything else, just hugged his friend until Laf laughed lightly. John pulled back and arched an eyebrow. "Wanna get pissed, Laurens?"

John just nodded. He did want to get pissed. No. He wanted to get absolutely smashed. 


	57. In The Eye Of A Hurricane - ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Vod-vodka.”
> 
>  
> 
> Laf, John and Herc get shit-faced. John comes up with a plan.

JOHN

Alcohol was very nice. It was so nice, and it made him feel better, so John kept drinking it. He knew he'd definitely regret this in the morning, but he didn't really care. Especially not when Herc turned up with a bag of Cheetos, a box of Publix doughnuts, two shitty frozen pizzas and a box of cheap off brand vodka.

"These are burnt," Laf shouted over the music as he took another bite out of the pizza he was holding. John snorted as he aimed a pillow at Laf's head. However, due to John's drunken state, his aim wasn't that great, so the pillow crashed into Herc's cup, causing the bottle to topple over and spill. None of them moved; just laughed as Herc grabbed a new beer and chugged it down in one. "Yes Hercules!" Laf yelled. "This is so fucking fun! I love beer and vodka. And I love you guys. I love you guys, okay?" John looked over to Herc but he was already on his next beer. "Okay, Laurens?" Laf shouted again.

"Okay," John nodded. "Okay." The more he said it, the bigger the smile on his face grew. "Okay. Okay." He started chanting it; as if it was a spell that if he said the right amount of times everything would be alright again. "Okay. Okay!"

Laf grinned at him before he picked up another slice of pizza again. "These are burnt," he informed them - as if this was the first time he'd said it. 

"You said that already," John said as he leaned further into the sofa. Laf narrowed his eyes in disgust as he looked at the pizza.

"Because they are," he said as he crinkled his nose. "They're super burnt. I don't even think it's pizza anymore."

John was lounging on one of the sofas and Herc and Laf were jumping around and flailing their arms in a poor attempt at dancing. "Then don't eat it," Herc retorted as he bounced his head to the blaring rhythm of Panic! at The Disco.

Technically, Laf was right, the pizzas were very burnt - as in black burnt. But it was only because they'd forgotten the pizzas were in the oven and decided to watch Marley and Me. They hadn't even realised the pizzas were burning until literal smoke had poured into the living room. Laf made a sort of huff noise before he dropped the slice back onto the plate and carried on dancing. John giggled as his two friends practically picked him up by his arms and started moving him around by his arms. "Come on Laurens," Herc grinned as he turned the music up even louder. "Dance! Let yourself live again...at least for a couple of hours."

John sighed before he nodded and let his friends drag him around the room. As the seconds turned to minutes which turned to hours, John started dancing on his own, started laughing and yelling and drinking along with his friends. As time flew past; his slight thudding in his head grew more prominent; the room started to vaguely resemble the rollercoaster Laf had forced him to go on at some festival last year; the light from the TV and the lampshade started to seem brighter; and the Mamma Mia soundtrack that Laf had put on simultaneously sounded more and more fuzzy and more and more loud. He kinda felt like death, but he also felt more alive than he had in a couple of weeks.

When the doorbell rang, John was the only one that heard it. "Guys," he said, watching as they practically screamed the lyrics to Waterloo while standing on the coffee table. "Yo, Laf! Herc!" John yelled. Laf turned to face him and arched an eyebrow, still singing. "It's the doorbell."

Laf rolled his eyes and took a moment from his singing to shout back, "Go answer it then!" John snorted as he pushed himself off of the wall he was leaning on and made to walk into the hall, but he stumbled, his vision blurring. He managed to stagger into the hall, bracing himself on the walls as he took each step at a time; desperately trying not to fall over his own feet as he squinted. When he reached the door, he blinked and pulled it open, leaning on the threshold as he was met with all three Schuyler sisters. 

"John?" Peggy asked as he grinned up at them, his head feeling weirdly too heavy. Actually, everything felt too heavy; his arms, his legs, his feet.

"Peggy!" he grinned, suddenly he was vey happy that they were here. The more the merrier, right? "Hi guys! Wanna co-come in?" he asked, slightly hiccuping. He was expecting the three of them to smile and come dance with them, he wasn’t expecting them to fold their arms and frown at him. Why were they frowning? Why didn’t them want to come dance?

“Is that...Mamma Mia?” Eliza asked, looking past John into the apartment. John just nodded, feeling suddenly ill; the Corona-doughnuts-burnt pizza-mix sloshing about in his stomach. “How did you know we-we were...having a par-party?” he asked, rubbing his temples.

“Laf was spamming his snapchat with stories of you all,” Eliza said, smiling lightly. “We thought you guys might need some...help.” John furrowed his eyebrows. They were just having fun. He needed to have fun. 

“You need to turn that down,” Angelica demanded as she shoved past John and walked straight in. Peggy followed her, grinning as she looked at the chaos unfolding around her and Eliza shot John a kind smile as she shut the door and manoeuvred John back into the living room. If he wasn’t so drunk, he’d probably be embarrassed at being lead by the hand like a child, but John was actually thankful. He couldn’t see straight let alone walk.

Angelica looked around the room for a moment before she shook her head in a mix of exasperation and annoyance as she strode right to the speaker, turning the music off. Herc and Laf didn’t notice for a second and carried on singing and dancing until the realised they’d were singin acapella and stopped; Laf pouting and folding his arms at Angelica. “Angie,” he sighed, cocking his head. “That was my jam,” he moaned, his words slightly slurring. Maybe they had drunk a tiny pit too much.

“Your _jam_?” Peggy laughed as Angelica tried to drag Laf and Herc off of the table. “You guys are totally shitfaced,” she laughed  as she flopped onto the sofa. “As is the apartment. How did you even make this much mess?” John looked around, the flat was a bit messy. No, it was pretty fucking messy. There were bottles strewn all around; crushed up Cheeto dust seemed to be caked into Laf’s favourite fluffy carpet; doughnut icing and sprinkles were smudged on the wall somehow; one of John’s socks was on the TV; and the other sofa had been moved so it was facing the wrong way.

John watched as Angelica practically shoved Laf and Herc onto the sofa before she herself sat down in the middle of them. Eliza smiled lightly before she walked off into the kitchen. John heard the tap run and suddenly his mouth felt extremely dry. He blinked as he practically fell onto the sofa Peggy was on. He looked up at her as she arched an eyebrow at the bottles of vodka. He laughed as he watched her pick one up and gingerly take a sip. She placed the bottle back on the table and shook herself, her whole body convulsing as she ran her teeth along her tongue. “Ugh, what is that?” She asked, crinkling her nose.

“Vod-vodka,” John shrugged, hiccuping. 

“It’s disgusting,” she said as they both watched Herc and Laf shove chips down their mouths. 

“We didn’t get it for it’s taste,” he told her as he picked up the bottle and took a swig, ignoring Peggy’s cast of disgust.

“So why did you get it?” she asked, smoothing out her skirt. 

“So we could get drunk, really fast,” he answered, unsure if he was slurring, or dragging out the words. He threw his arms out to emphasise and almost toppled off of the sofa. 

“Yes.” Peggy pulled John back as she wrapped an arm around his shoulder. The sudden movement made everything blurry. “That much is evident.” Even though what she wassaying could come across as mean, her tone was sympathetic. 

“Look...John. I get that our relationship is...complicated,” Peggy said. Complicated? Is it complicated. It’s pretty clear to John. They were going out but John was a shit boyfriend so she dumped him, which opened up Johns eyes. And he fell in love with...Hamilton. He was about to voice this when Peggy started talking again. “But I’m still your friend, you can still stalk to me...John are you even listening to me?”

“I am...but can-can’t you sit-sit still?” 

“John, I’m not moving. How much did you drink?”

He just shrugged, but the sudden jolt caused the room to tilt to the left. Oh, no, wait, it was actually John who was sliding down as he slumped down in Peggy’s lap. “Hi,” he said as she rolled her eyes and let him slide down onto the sofa. He watched as Eliza appeared again and handed both Laf and Herc a glass of water. Herc gulped it down eagerly, but Herc just sniffed it before he shook his head - which was evidently a bad idea since his whole face paled. “You need to drink water, Herc,” Eliza said softly. “It’ll make tomorrow better. I promise.” Herc frowned but he still drank the water.

John poured when Eliza turned to him. “John, you need to drink this too.” He shook his head. “John,” she smiled, and it was such a kind and loving smile that John slowly sat up and took the cold water from Eliza’s hand. He took a sip and when it stayed down, he guessed he was safe to drink some more. He wasn’t. As soon as the water hit his throat, he retched and the whole world spun. He stood up and stumbled to the bathroom, a sour taste flooding his whole mouth. 

He swore colourfully as he managed to stagger into the bathroom, his knees buckling as he reached the sink. He tried to hold himself up as he throws up everything in his body, desperately praying that he’s not throwing up all over the counter. His nose crinkled when the smell of sharp alcohol and bile reached his nose. He sighed as he threw up some more before his legs completely caved in and he collapsed onto the tiles, somehow managing to turn the tap on before he did.

He was so fucking pathetic. 

He couldn't even hold his drink.

If only Alexander could see him now; woefully collapsed against the bathroom wall, throwing everything in his stomach up as tears fell down his face. He was such a pathetic idiot. He sat there for a moment, wallowing in self hatred, before he pushed himself up off of the ground, his knees buckling as he stumbled out of the bathroom. He wobbled into his room, not saying night to his friends and after he shut his door, let himself drop onto his bed. He climbed under his covers, still in his clothes, shaking and shuddering. As his head fell against his pillow, he looked up at the ceiling; silent tears clinging to his jaw.

He turned onto his side and sighed when he saw his suitcase next to his desk, full and packed as if he was suddenly about to leave. John ran a hand through his hair as he leaned over and switched his light off. He was enveloped in darkness as he lay in his bed. He could hear his friends next door; Herc and Laf were laughing hoarsely, Angelica was badgering them, Peggy was giggling and Eliza kept offering them Advil and water. 

John pulled the blanket further over himself before he sat straight up, eyes locking on his suitcase. That was it!

_Full and packed as if he was suddenly about to leave._

About to leave. Leave. He could just leave. Whoever said running away from your problems didn't work obviously had never had their heart broken. He pushed his covers back as he jumped out of his bed, ignoring as the room tilted to the left slightly, and fell into his seat at his desk. He pulled his pad closer and pulled his pen out from one of his drawers. He took a deep breath in before he put then pen to the paper and started writing - each word like a knife to his heart. But he had to do this. For himself and for Alexander.

_Dear Alexander..._


	58. In The Eye Of A Hurricane - ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm talking about this fucking letter!" 
> 
> Alex gets a letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3,000 hits guys! How mint is that? Thank you so much for reading!

HERC

Hercules woke up with the distinct, horrible feeling that he'd been backed over by a bus a hundred times. He groaned, and for a moment he forgot where he was. When he realised he was on Laf's sofa, wearing last night's clothes and with a very bad headache, he pushed himself up, and rubbed his temples. He blinked and looked to his right, snorting when he saw Laf sitting at the breakfast counter, waiting a croissant. Laf was smirking at him as he pulled apart the pastry. "Were you watching me sleep?"

"Hard not to," Laf shrugged. "You snore really loud." Herc sighed as he sat up straight and rolled back his shoulders. "You want some breakfast?" Herc nodded and smiled gratefully as he stumbled over to the counter and pulled himself up onto the stool next to Laf. "How much did we drink?" Herc asked as Laf slid off of his seat and pulled the fridge open. 

"Quite a lot," Laf said, bringing out a box of eggs as he kicked the door shut. "No, that's an understatement. I found three bottles of vodka this morning." Herc whistled as he watched Laf cook the eggs. Laf looked perfectly fine. More than fine actually. Herc still didn't know how Laf could drink so much and never get a hangover, it'd been bugging him for years. Herc on the other hand, couldn't really handle his drink, as much as it irked him to admit it. "John's still out cold," Laf said, sliding the plate of eggs over to Herc.

"Where is Laurens?" Herc asked in-between bites. 

"In his room, I'm pretty sure," Laf answered as he jumped up so he was sitting on the counter. "I think I remember him running out at like eleven. Pretty soon after the Schuylers turned up."

"I hope he's okay," Herc said, furrowing his eyebrows. 

"John always lands on his feet. He's gonna be fine. He just needs to figure out what he needs to do to be fine." Herc nodded gingerly, running a tired hand through his short hair. He pulled out his phone to check the time. One in the afternoon. Fuck they'd really slept in. He looked down at his phone again, noticing a missed call from John. He'd call him back later - it was probably nothing. Laf opened his mouth to say something when the door bell went. Followed by loud and sporadic knocking. Followed by more ringing. Laf shot a confused look at Herc before he jumped down from the counter and made his way to the door, shouting "Coming!" on his way. 

Herc thought about following him, but he looked back down at his eggs and decided he would rather stay and eat than go see the postman or whoever was at the door. He moved his eggs around the plate as he listened to the door creak open. "Alex?" He heard Laf ask. Herc dropped his fork onto his plate. "What're you doing he-"

"Is he here? Is this some kind of joke? I can't-"

"Woah, woah, woah, calm the fuck down. What are you even talking about?"

"I'm talking about this fucking letter!" 

Herc stood up and made his way into the hall, following Laf's confused voice and Alex's panicked and raised tone. When he turned the corner, he arched his eyebrow at the scene in front of him. Alex was standing in the threshold; his hair a mess, water lining his eyes, his voice cracking as he clutched a piece of paper. He was wearing a hoodie that was far too big for him, and he had bags under his eyes. He still had a pretty bad black eye, but it was more green and yellow now. Laf was standing in front of him; arms folded and eyes wide. 

"Alexander?" Herc asked. Alex looked away from Laf and clenched his jaw when he saw Herc. 

"Is he here?" he asked, pushing past Laf, who rolled his eyes and shut the door behind him. "Is he here? Or is this real?" he asked, holding up the paper. It looked scrunched and folded, like someone had balled it up and folded it out ten times. 

"Is who here? Is what real?" Herc asked. Alex narrowed his eyes at him as if he didn't believe that Herc was genuinely oblivious. He looked like he was going to talk when Laf walked past them both. Alex shot Herc a filthy look before he followed Laf. What the fuck was happening?

"Do you want a coffee?" Laf asked Alex, who just looked at him before he shook his head. Laf just shrugged before he sat down on the sofa and picked up the remote, turning the news on as he leaned back. Herc just leaned on the doorway as he watched Alex watch Laf. Alex took a deep breath in and shook his head lightly before he spun on heels and walked towards John's room. "Should we...should we _stop_ him?" Herc asked Laf's back. 

"Nah, it's their shit. Let them deal with it," he said but seconds later John's door slammed open, crashing against the wall. Herc and Laf both turned, met with Alex; shaking, tears streaming down his face as he kept shaking his head.

"He's gone. He's actually fucking gone. He's left," he said before his legs buckled and he fell onto his knees. 

"John?" Herc asked. John was gone? How could he be gone? Where would he have gone? "John's gone?" Herc asked again, vaguely aware of Laf standing up from the sofa to watch them. Alex just nodded. "I'm sure he's just gone for a walk or something," Laf said, but his tone was doubtful. 

"With a hangover?" Herc asked, shaking his head. Laf opened his mouth, no doubt to argue but Alex talked first.

"He's gone to South Carolina," he breathed, his voice wavering. "He's gone back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soz it's a short one, but I'm back to school now so...*cue sad music* proper exams coming up like soon. And Homologous Series is a v confusing subject


	59. In The Eye Of A Hurricane - ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I had to.”
> 
> John and Alex watch the stars.

JOHN

"This is your new flat?"

John nodded as he showed Mary around. "How did you get it so quickly?" John just shrugged, too ashamed to admit that their dad had helped him. And also, he didn't technically own the place yet, but it would be in two weeks. "Well, it's amazing," Mary beamed, running her hands along the light blue walls. John tried a faint smile. His new apartment was great, but it wasn't as good as his old home. "Yeah. Sure is," he muttered as he fell onto his new sofa. 

"So, you're...staying here? For, a while?" she asked tentatively as she sat down next to him. John smiled at her. There was one good thing about moving back to South Carolina; Mary Laurens. 

"I'm staying, I promise Mary." He wrapped an arm around his sister and pulled her into a hug. "I'm staying forever." 

Mary hugged him back, nestling her head in his shoulder as he held her. John didn't wipe the tears that fell down his face as he looked out of his new window onto his new town. His new life.

ALEX

"He's gone to South Carolina," Alex choked out as he clutched his knees closer to his chest. "He's gone."

"No," Laf said, shaking his head. "John wouldn't just-"

" _Leave_?" Alex asked, his tone acerbic. "Without telling anyone?" He barked a humourless laugh. "Because that's what he's done. John Laurens has left."

Herc and Laf looked at each other, somehow having a conversation without speaking. Laf bit his lip and sighed slightly, before Herc shook his head, followed by Laf shrugging and widening his eyes. Alex often found himself caught in the middle of one of Laf and Herc's silent discussions. It was incredibly infuriating.

"But how do _you_ know?" Herc asked. If Alex's head wasn't so fucked; he might've been offended by Herc's accusing tone. Alex just held the letter in his hands tighter, the paper crinkling in his fingers. "Did John write that?" Herc asked. Alex nodded. "You've got to let us see it." Alex shook his head. " _Alex_ ," Herc sighed, bending down so he was level with him. "We need to see the-"

"No!" Alex shouted, standing up. The room tilted slightly. His vision was blurring slightly but he was pretty sure it's cause tears were rolling down his face. Streaking his skin with his pain.

"Alex," Laf tried, biting his lip.

"Fuck off." Alex hissed as he walked towards the door. Herc and Laf called after him but Alex kept walking; one foot in front of the other. He hadn't come here to see Laf and Herc. He'd come to see if maybe...just maybe...John had stayed. If John had just stayed. Stayed here.

He ran down the stairs, taking two at a time. He kept stumbling, just managing to pick himself up before he slammed against the ground.  

Alex was pretty sure he was dying. Because that was the only possible explanation for how much this fucking hurt. John's letter was a knife. And it was slashing every single part of Alex's body open. His love bleeding all over the floor. It ran down his mouth and he choked on the still air. It bled from his ears, the ears that John used to kiss. It dripped down from his dark eyes like tears, drowning the dimple that John had loved. Alex’s head hanged low, heavy with the thoughts of John as he slammed the door open.

It was raining, and for a moment Alex stood on the front steps. Crying and hugging John's words to his chest. His heartbeat bled out as he took a step. The rain mixed with his tears and Alex didn't know what painted him more. Every second Alex spent alive knowing John was gone felt cold, and hard and wrong.

Alex didn't think he could take it.

JOHN

"Do you want garlic bread with your pasta?" Mary called from the kitchen. 

"Sure," John replied as he sat at the window; knees tucked into his chest as he watched the rain run down the window pane. The raindrops hammered on the window like the relentless drumming of nails. Jon had always liked rain. When he was younger, and after his mum had tucked him into bed, he had loved nothing more than to lie in his bed and listen to the soft patter of the rain against his window.

Now, he didn't like it as much. It reminded him of the way blood trickles, or the way tears stream.

"John!" 

Mary screaming his name snapped him out of his reverie and he realised that his phone was buzzing. He blinked down and frowned slightly when he saw Laf's photo grinning up at a him. "Your phone's ringing," Mary told him, even as he was picking his phone up. He smiled at her and nodded as he stood from the window seat, and debated whether to pick up. Yeah, maybe not telling his friends he was leaving was a dick move but he'd known that they would've definitely tried to stop him. And he had to leave. He couldn't stay there. 

And he knew Alex would tell them anyway.

"I've got to take this, sorry," John told Mary as she cooked. She just smiled and nodded before she slid into her seat. Mary had been so...nice to him since he'd got here. It was refreshing to have someone that didn't treat him like a wounded bird. She was only fifteen, and had been through so fucking much already, but she was smarter than most people John knew. John watched her now, cutting tomatoes as her long blonde hair waved. Mary was only fifteen, but she had the most beautiful soul in the whole fucking world. Mary would be a good person. Mary would make a change in this fucked up world. John had already lost his chance. Alex had been his chance. Alex had been his world. And it had blown up.

John walked into his room and shut the door behind him, leaning back against it. He chewed on his bottom lip before he pressed the green button.

"Hi," he said quietly, already wincing.

"JOHN FUCKING LAURENS!" Laf screamed. John held the phone a little further away from his ear. 

"Laf-" John sighed but his friend was already screaming over him. John hated it when Laf screamed. Especially at him. Did Laf not understand how fucking hard this had been for John? Did he not understand that this was John's only option now. This was his only way out. 

"YOU RAN AWAY TO SOUTH FUCKING CAROLINA! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US? WHY DID YOU EVEN LEAVE?"

"I-" John tried to talk but Laf kept cutting him off. 

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME JOHN! YOU DIDN'T TELL HERC OR PEGGY. DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING ANGRY PEGGY IS?" John's throat bobbed. He hadn't even thought about Peggy. Or Eliza and Angelica. He hadn't really thought he'd be missed much. It's not like he'd even really been there for the past two months anyway.

"I left this month's rent on my bed," John managed to get out when Laf finally stopped yelling. He expected him to start shouting again, but the other line was silent. John could hear his friend's soft breathing and each second that went by made him more and more nervous. "The rent." Laf said slowly, his tone steady.

"Uh, yeah?" John said, but it came out sounding like a question. 

"I don't care. About. The. Rent," Laf breathed. John could see him frowning in his mind. He wondered where Laf was right now. If he was at their... _his_ flat. Maybe he was with Herc...or Anglica. John really hoped that if Laf was with someone else, he wouldn't have to talk to them. He couldn't cope with all of this. "I care about _you_ , John," Laf said, his voice cracking. 

"I'm sorry," John said softly. "I'm really sorry." He desperately tried to keep his voice from wavering as he rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand.

There was a pause.

"You didn't say goodbye," Laf choked out. John leaned his head against the wall as a tear slid down his cheek. 

"It's not goodbye," John breathed, running a hand through his hair. He knew his voice sounded desperate. Because he was. He was desperate not to lose Laf and Herc. He was desperately trying to persuade himself as well as Laf that it really wasn't goodbye. "Just because...just because I live here now, doesn't mean that...it doesn't mean that we're all going to stop being best friends." 

There was another pause.

"Laf. We're still going to be best friends. Okay?"

"Okay." 

Another pause.

"Why'd you leave?"

John ran a hand down his face as tears pricked his eyes. He left because he couldn't breathe anymore. Because everything was to heavy and he couldn't see. He couldn't see the stars or the sky or smiles or happiness anymore. He'd only been able to see hurt and pain and his own crippling heart. His heart wasn't merely broken, it was a shadow of what it had been and was fading a little more every day. The loneliness and betrayal and pure and whole... _hurt_ that Alex had carved into him had had a hold on him. He'd been searching for a darker place to hide. To hide from his own feelings, and reality and acceptance and that pain. It was like everything he said and did was wrong; like he was a piano and every single key was out of tune. He'd felt...wrong.

And when he'd seen Alex in that car that night. Alex sitting there; his beautiful, big eyes staring at him; his beautiful, bloodied face; his whole being. John had felt himself shatter. He couldn't be around that. 

Alex had made John feel like he was enough.

And when he'd...betrayed them...it had just been...too much. 

It had killed John.

Now he was trying to teach himself to live again. And he couldn't do that near Alexander Hamilton.

"I had to."

ALEX

_Dear Alex,_

_I still love you._

_I shouldn't. But I do. What you put me through was no less than a hurricane, Alex. The devastation was absolute. Your tore apart our home and now there's nowhere left to return to. Though losing you was once my nightmare, I can breathe again now, I can try and see the light of a new hope while everything else is still black. There are more dreams for you and I; sunshine on rainy days, laughter; wholeness; love; passion. Just not together. Not anymore._

_I know they say you turn on the one you feel safest with, the one you care about the most, the one you love. Target them instead of those who might deserve your anger. But I can't forget what you did and I don't think I'll ever be able to. With a knife to my throat I would never have done what you did to me, to you. I would rather have died._

_So, to know how worthless I was to you, and how worthless my love was to you is the knife that can set me free, cutting the strings that are strung around you and I, Alexander. We must cut the ties we have around our hearts. Must cut the mooring rope and part ways. I'm better this way, adrift from your shore. I wish you happiness, Alexander Hamilton. I wish you love and happiness and joy. I wish you everything. I wish you find someone that's enough. I wish you find someone to love like I loved you. I hope you wish the same for me._

_John_

 

He always knew John and a secret way with words. He was always a poet in his head.

Alex ran his fingers over John's handwriting. The letter was stained with tears and the ink was smudged from Alex tracing the words. The first time he'd read it, nothing had really registered. The second time he read it; tears had streamed down his face. The third time he'd read it, he'd hated himself. The fourth time he'd read it, he'd hated John.

Now he just liked looking at John's handwriting. This was the last thing he had of John. And it was a proclamation of his broken heart. And Alex had caused this. That was the worst part. Knowing he'd caused all this, but there was nothing he could say, nothing he could do to fix it.

After the second time he'd read John's words, he'd started to pack his suitcase. He was going to get on a plane and go to John. Just like he'd done before. But then he'd noticed a line under John's name he hadn't seen before.

_If you truly love me, like you say you do, you won't follow me. If you love me, you'll let me go._

_Please._

So Alex did. He slumped against his wall, heavy head in his hands, and let John Laurens go.

JOHN

He sat at the seat at the window, watching the stars. He traced his fingers against the glass, as he watched them sparkle. He wanted to reach up for one. He wanted to keep it in his hands for warmth. He wanted to place one in a jar and put it on his mantle, looking at it whenever he felt empty. He used to think he'd really caught a star. Being with Alex had been as special and exceptional as a star. Walking with him, hand in hand, had been like flying in the sky. Lying down next to him and kissing his dimple had been like staring at a star. Alex had been John's star. 

ALEX

At least in his lifetime he's had one dream come true, Alex thought to himself as he leaned out of his window, watching the sky. He's been blessed to be loved by someone as wonderful as John Laurens. He frowned when he realised that he couldn’t see the stars; the sky was featureless apart from a rare blinking light from a plane. He missed the stars. He missed John. 

JOHN

He'd loved Alex like he was the last of John's kind. It was as if Alex had spoken the same language as John, and no one else could. Like Alex breathed life when no one could.

ALEX

To be around John had been like finally not being alone - as if all his life he'd been isolated, in a windowless cage, in a doorless room... and then suddenly John walked in as if strolling over a spring meadow.

JOHN

Alex’s love had been like a new song. A new colour. It had been like opening a book and finding a language he’d never seen before. Before it hadn’t anymore. Before it had hurt.

ALEX

It used to feel like to kill John and Alex, one would only ever need one bullet.

JOHN

Their love had felt like true love. But now it was over. And it was for the best. He needed this. A fresh start. Another chance. A new heart.

ALEX

Their love had felt like true love. But now it was over. Because he’d fucked it up. And he knew John deserved better than him. John deserved someone good. He deserved someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should’ve just left these kids alone. They were happy. They were engaged and had a flat. But no...I couldn’t just leave them alone and happy


	60. In The Eye Of A Hurricane - ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We just wanted to invite you cause we hoped you hadn’t turned into a massive fucking dick that ignores his friends for a month.”
> 
> John is reunited with some old friends

**THREE YEARS LATER**

 

JOHN

He stayed in South Carolina. 

When he moved back, he didn't tell anyone about Alex. His family were the only people who knew. He didn't tell anyone about anything from New York. He didn't see guys anymore. Just started seeing girls again. He winced when his colleagues at the firm slapped him on the back whenever they met John's current girlfriend.

He became a lawyer like his dad wanted. He stayed in his flat for three years. He learned to wear masks as easily as clothes. He was never the same John with two people. He was more serious, silent, sober with his father; nodded after anything his dad said, doing anything his dad asked of him. Angry and riled and aggressive with Henry - their interactions purely consisted of Henry and John standing on opposite sides of a room, narrowed eyes and clenched jaws painted on each brother. Relaxed and empathetic with Mary - this was one of the easier John's to be. Strong, powerful and fair with his employees, this was the hardest skin John had to slip into. He hated taking control. 

He was rarely himself, there was only one person that brought it out after Alex, and that was after a couple of years.

Alex never came to see him - just like John asked. But he did write letters. The first one appeared about a week after John told his friends his new dress (Lafayette was a fucking snake.) It was a Thursday and John had been on his way out to the office (He'd been an intern at that time. His shitty job had just been running for coffee or taking notes) when he'd seen something sticking out of his letterbox. He'd been running late, so he'd left it, mentally noting to pick it up when he got home. But he'd forgotten and it wasn't till the next week he remembered. By that time there were two letters. Both from Alex.

John never replied. He never read them either - couldn't bring himself to. He just placed them in a box on his highest bookshelf in the kitchen.

The letters stopped arriving after about five months; Alex was nothing but persistent. Instead of coming every week, they just started arriving every two weeks, then just every three weeks, then they just stopped. John'd never received another handwritten letter again.

He didn't speak to Alex. He didn't call him, or text. But he did spend that first month alone in his lonely and empty flat sat on that window seat, scrolling though his and Alex's old texts. With each x he saw, with each banterous comment, with each stupid photo they'd sent, John's heart cracked a tiny bit more. After a month of pining and missing, John silently cursed himself one day, asked himself what the fuck was he doing, and deleted all of their texts. No more 'x's. No more 'come over's. No more 'ur an idiot's. No more 'I really like you's. No more 'I love you's. No more conversations. He let himself keep Alex's number. Persuading himself that there might be an emergency where he _needed_  it. He didn't admit to himself the real reason. He just couldn't let Alex go, completely. And what harm could a phone number do?

He didn't go back to New York. He didn't see the Grind. Didn't see their garden. Didn't go back to Laf's apartment. He only saw his friends, themselves about once a year. He'd only seen them five times in three years. Had only seen Peggy, Eliza and Angelica three times. 

He didn't draw again. He'd left his art supplies in his old flat, and he'd never been able to bring himself to buy another sketchbook. Or paints. Or pencils. Sometimes, if he was feeling completely empty and broken, he let himself go to the art museum near his office after work. He let himself walk along, taking in the paintings in all of their glory, and he felt at home. Sometimes. 

He _did_ cut his hair. 'A lawyer couldn't possibly have such radical hair' John was told by his dad. He got it got the next day. Henry had snorted the next time he'd seen him, but John had caught the look of anger and frustration in his eyes. John hadn't known that the anger in Henry Laurens' milky brown eyes eyes hadn't been aimed at him, really. It had been aimed more at the fact that John was submitting to their father's every wish, without a fight or even a hesitation. Mary had tried to smile as she ran her fingers through his now short curls, and said "You look so handsome." But John had caught the frown behind her smile. Laf and Herc had stopped dead in their tracks when they'd seen it, their eyes widening. It's just a haircut, John had mumbled. We didn't say anything, Laf had responded. And that had been end of it.

He tried to stay away from his old school friends for as long as he possibly could but they managed to track him down pretty quickly.

It was Friday. It was ten at night and John groaned as he finally sat down. He was still wearing his work clothes as he slumped onto his sofa, ran his hand down his face and let himself breathe. _Fuck_. Today had been the definition of shit. Three (stressful as fuck) meetings. His computer had broken down (and no one in the whole fucking office building had know where the IT guy was). He'd spilled his coffee down his shirt (still a mocha with extra milk, but no extra whipped cream anymore. Those times were past) and hadn't been able to wipe it off. He'd missed his train. There and back. He'd lost his case. That had been the fucking icing on the goddamned shitty cake.

He sat on his sofa, legs in a basket and leaned his head back. At least it was over. Now he could order a Chinese, eat said Chinese, watch another episode of For The People and then sleep. He could maybe have a nice evening, compared to that shit-show. Maybe he could at least avoid the cherry.

He had just ordered when there was a knock on his door. He arched an eyebrow and pushed himself up off of the sofa. Surely his food couldn't have arrived already? But there was no one else that would be knocking on his door at this time on a Friday night. He grabbed his wallet from the counter, grabbing a tenner before he reached the door. He pulled it open, money in hand, expecting to see a delivery guy. He was not expecting to see three of his high school friends standing in his threshold, grinning up at him.

"Nice hair," Pat Henry snorted.

"John!" Nate Greene laughed. "You _are_ living here!"

"So-I-uh, what are you-how?"

"We saw your name in the paper," Pat said as he walked past John and into his flat. "I asked Henry if you were back and he gave me your address." John frowned and made a mental note to ask his brother why the fuck he did that as Pat whistled. "Nice place, John."

Nate smiled at him as he walked in, following Pat. The only one left not inside his house was Water Stewart. "Hi," he said, awkwardly smiling up at John. 

"Hi Water," John said before stepping to the side, and sighing, motioned for Water to go inside. Water just kept smiling, although it looked more like a grimace, and nodded as he walked into John's flat. 

"So how come you didn't tell us you were back in Charleston?" Pat asked. He was sitting down on John's sofa, running a hand through his dark hair. Pat was John's oldest friend. And was also debatably the most annoying (maybe Laf had him beat). Pat and John used to be next door neighbours, before John left for New York and Pat went to Yale. Now it looked like they were both back where they started. Pat and John had been friends since before kindergarten, and all the way through elementary school, middle school and high school. They had kinda lost contact after that - mostly due to John. John, Pat, Nate and Water had done everything together, but John and Pat had practically been inseparable. They'd both been on the football team (Water wasn't the most athletic guy and Nate could never be bothered), both had taken the same classes and had always thrown parties together.

Pat and John had been inseparable, but they'd both always been drastically different. Pat had dark brown hair, almost black, compared to John's light brown. Pat had light grey eyes contrasting John's bright green ones. Pat had always been loud in school; arrogant and self-assured, flaunting down the corridors, and John had just always been quiet. He'd never been weak, or shy, he'd just think before he spoke (which changed drastically when he met Laf and Herc). 

"I just didn't-I didn't-" 

"Bother?" Pat cut in, shooting John a cruel look before he turned away. "Didn't care? Didn't cross your mind? You're a big shot lawyer now, and at only twenty-three!" he said in a condescending tone.

"No," John started but Nate interrupted him.

"It's fine, John. This isn't why we came over." Pat snorted and folded his arms, but he didn't say anything else. 

"Why _did_ you come over?" John asked, and he knew but also didn't care, that he sounded a bit snappish. 

"We're throwing a party," Water said, smiling softly. "Just like old times." John arched an eyebrow. Water had never really liked throwing parties. He would help set it all up, and he would dance and laugh, but he never really was in his comfort zone at the gang’s parties. So John was surprised when Water was the one to speak. “Loads of people from high school are coming.”

Water had always been the kind of Peter Pettigrew in their group. Not because he was evil (he wasn’t, Water was maybe the nicest guy John knew) but because he was quiet and shy and was always fine with taking the backseat. Water wasn’t Waters actual name. His real name was Walter, but he’d been dubbed Water when they’d been twelve and he’d accidentally told their teacher, on the first day of school, his name was Water. He hadn’t cared that it’d stuck. John actually thought that maybe he liked having something unique to him, something that seperated him from just being John, Pat and Nate’s friend. 

Water was from a big family (four brothers, three sisters) so he had always been used to blending into the background. He was tall, and lanky, with a mop of dark curly waves, and he’d preferred to read a book than watch his friends play football.

“Like _old_ times,” John repeated, drawing out the words, watching Water. Water just gulped and leaned against the wall, folding his arms. “Well, count me out,” he said as he shook his head and shrugged. 

“What?” Nate asked, shocked. “Don’t be like that.”

“Look, I’ve had a long day, okay. I’d appreciate it if-”

“Look,” Pat said, standing up. “We just wanted to invite you cause we hoped you hadn’t turned into a massive fucking dick that ignores his friends for a month.” John met his eyes and Pat frowned. “But looks like you’re a completely different person. New fresh, neat hair. New swanky job.”

“Lay off it, Pat,” Nate warned as he made to walk towards the door, shrugging further into his denim coat. But Pat just kept staring at John, eyes narrowed. John stared back. They’d never fought before. John had no idea how this was going to end.

“What do you want me to do, Pat?” John asked, scowling. “Say sorry? Fine. I’m sorry, okay? But you don’t get to waltz into my-”

“Why not, John?” Pat hissed. “You completely ignored us. Your best fucking friends. What were we meant to do? Let you?” The air went still in the room. “That’s bullshit. Why didn’t you tell us you were back?” Pat was yelling now, his grey eyes furious.

“I had to deal with some shit, okay?” John shouted back, fists tightening. “I just couldn’t deal with...” he trailed off, already regretting his choice of words.

Now it wasn’t just Pat who was pissed. Nate turned to face John, his face painted in shock and hurt, his blue eyes coated in betrayal. Water frowned from where he stood, his long arms dangling at his side, as he shook his head lightly. Pat practically snarled.

“You couldn’t _deal_ with us?” Pat asked, too quietly.

John shook his head. “That’s not what I meant.”

“I don’t care. It’s what you said.”

“Pat, come on, you know that’s not what I meant.”

“I don’t think I know you at all anymore, John. The John I knew wouldn’t ignore or forget about his friends.” John opened his mouth to speak when Pat shook his head. “Whatever.” Then he walked out, slamming the door.

Nate followed him, throwing a too casual, “See you around,” over his shoulder. Water and John were the only ones left in the room. “Water...” John tried.

“I know you didn’t mean that. I don’t know what’s happened to you, but I guess it was something really shitty for you or act this shitty,” he said before he started to walk towards the door. Then he turned. “We were at the funeral,” Water told him. John gulped. “You didn’t see us. You were with a group of people, I’m guessing from New York.” John didn’t know where this was going. “I saw you and that kid. The one with the dark hair.” John held his breath. “I’m guessing that was the shitty thing that happened," Water said, his tone still slightly sharp, although it was a mile kinder than Pat and Nate's.

“How do you-”

“You wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t gone badly,” Water shrugged. John just stood there, in his stained shirt, eyes wide. “The party’s at Nate’s. 24 Pine Avenue. Drop by if you want. Don’t if you don’t.” Then he was gone. John frowned and rubbed the back of his neck before he slumped against the wall. He shouldn't go. He really shouldn't go. He had shit to do. And he hadn't drunk for a year. He shouldn't, he told himself as he walked into his room and pulled his dirty and damp shirt over his head. He carelessly chucked it onto his bed before he stretched his arms. His whole body felt tense. 

He pulled his jeans off, stepping out of them one leg at a time and went to slide on his pyjamas before he run his hands through his hair. He really shouldn't. He should put on pyjamas, watch some Netflix and drown his sorrows in Chinese food. But the sinking feeling in his gut grew even more as he looked at his won reflection. And hated what looked back. John had never really liked himself. He'd never thought he was funny. He didn't think he was smart, or good-looking or strong or pleasant. He wasn't special. The best he could do was throw a punch. But he'd liked himself better when he'd been with his friends.

Fuck.

John quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a top before he half-walked, half-ran out of his room. He grabbed his keys from the counter and shut the front door behind him. Fuck. He stood in his hall before he shook his head and pushed the door open again, stepping inside. Then he growled, leaning his arms against the threshold, head hanging. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He stepped outside and inside a couple more times, keys dangling from his fingers before he ran a hand down his face. God. He really didn't want to lose anymore people than he already had.

-

An hour later (it took him a while to find Nate's house) he was standing in a room with his old high school classmates. The music was playing loudly, and there were so many people John could barely move. He hand't seen Pat, Nate or Water yet.

Everyone else around him was dancing and drinking and laughing. John was standing in the middle of the room, his social skills vanished. Everything around him went by in a blurry mess as he stood alone. Then his eyes fell on a girl, sitting on her own, as if she was oblivious to the loudness happening around her. The first thing that he noticed about her was how beautiful she was, and how her beauty seemed to instantly slam into him. Then he had the faint feeling that he recognised her.

She had long, white blonde hair that tumbled down like a waterfall. She had bright blue eyes and pale skin. She looked like an actual living angel. John bit his lip before he looked around. There was definitely no one else he was going to talk to tonight, except his old friends, but they were no where to be found. So, John made one of the most impulsive decisions he'd made in a while and walked over to the fallen angel sitting on a dirty window seat, looking up at the dark sky.

"Uh...hi," John smiled. He smiled even more when the girl turned to look up at him, her own smile shining. 

"John?" she asked. "John Laurens?" He must know her, if she knew him, he thought to himself. He nodded and sat down next to her.

"Yeah, I..." he trailed off, before it clicked. "Martha!" The Martha Mannings. The quiet, beautiful Martha Mannings.

"Yeah," she giggled. Her voice was soft and twinkly and it sounded like she was singing slightly. "That's me. I can't believe I'm seeing you here. We used to have chemistry together, remember?"

John nodded. "I spent the whole year staring at your hair and watching you draw on the back of your books." John immediately regretted saying that, "I...uh...I didn't-"

"I spent the whole year waiting for you to talk to me," Martha said, looking up at John from under her long eyelashes. John grinned. 


	61. In The Eye Of a Hurricane - ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What. Is. This?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it’s been so long guys

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

ALEX

"That was a waste of money," Alex said as he and Eliza walked from the theatre. She just arched an eyebrow at him before she shrugged. She looked pretty tonight, not that she didn't always look pretty, because Eliza always looked beautiful. But tonight, as the the manufactured orange light shone on her from the streetlights, she looked like a painting. 

"I liked it," Eliza smiled lightly. Alex smiled too. He couldn't help it. Eliza Schuyler's smile was infectious. "I liked the songs." Alex had gathered that. She'd mouthed along to all of them with the singers. 

"It was historically inaccurate," he told her as it started snowing. Eliza just laughed before she tugged her yellow hood over her hair. He took her hand in his, running a finger over the diamond ring on her finger. “But I'm glad you liked it," he added. Because, really, nothing was ever a waste if he did it with Eliza. Eliza was the best person Alex knew. She was kind, caring, beautiful, gentle, well-spoken. She was incredible. She was the perfect human. The brightest soul.

Eliza was as if an angel had come to Earth and had graced Alex's life with it's presence. Or, at least, that's what it felt like.

They ran back to the flat, since Alex was a tool and had forgotten his coat, their shoes leaving permanent in the snow littering New York City. When they did get back. Alex shook his head, the water in his hair spraying the hall. "Alexander!" Eliza squealed, although there was a very small amount of annoyance in her tone. Eliza was never annoyed. Never angry. 

Alex laughed as he threw his arms around her waist, lifting her up and spinning her around. She laughed as she buried her face in his neck. Eliza smelled like lavender and apple. Alex squeezed his eyes as he lowered Eliza and pulled her lightly into a hug. She was smaller than him, so she had to go on her toes to throw her arms around his neck. He let himself breathe as he lost himself in Eliza's warmth. Her smell. The feel of her skin against his. The brush of her long dark hair.

He held his breath when she pulled away. "I'm gonna make dinner," she said before she disappeared into the kitchen. Alex stayed rooted in the hall until he heard the clatter of pans and cutlery being moved around, then he walked into the study. He shut the door softly behind him and leaned his head against it. He spread his hand out on the wall next to him, to stop himself from caving in.

He froze for a moment, lost in his thoughts as he ran a hand through his hair. Then he stood and gulped as he looked at the paper spread out on his desk. He bit his lip as he shuffled the paperwork about, his eyes scanning the words he’d written only days ago. It had sounded right when he’d written it, but now...now it was wrong. 

He collapsed into the chair and held his head in his hands. The past years, it was like he couldn’t read anymore. Or write. Or even really talk. He was living in a shell of the man he’d been. Of course, it wasn’t all bad. Actually, most of it wasn’t. Most of it was really good. But everytime he saw a messy of bronze curls in a crowd; everytime he saw freckles anywhere on anyone; anytime he walked past a graveyard; anytime he said, I love you, to anyone. Everytime, his heart paused. Just for a moment. A split second. 

He couldn’t help asking himself if maybe he’d chosen Eliza becuase she was the stark opposite to him. Dark brown to his bright green. Fair and smooth to his ragged gold. Soft to his hard. Petite and curved to his broad and sharp. Her love to his hatred. She was here. And he was not.

Then he told himself to stop. He had to stop thinking like that. He loved Eliza. He really, truly did. But it had never really been just _love_ with _him_. It had been breathing, living, feeling. It had been an extended part of Alex. A part of his very nature. With her it was different. More protective that needing. More forced than natural. More...tainted. 

Not that that mattered anyway.

God. He would hate Alex if he knew how this is how Alex thought of love. If he didn’t hate Alex already. 

Which Alex figured he did when he never wrote back. Maybe he never even read them. Maybe that would be best.

JOHN

“John.”

“Please don’t say no,” John whispered. “And please don’t leave me kneeling. It’s cold.”

A graceful, soft laugh fell from Martha Manning’s lips. Everything Marth did was graceful. Well, she was a dancer (a ballerina, actually) so John guessed it was in her nature. Then she nodded, not bothering to wipe away the tears that clung to her jaw. Her eyes slid to meet John’s; her bright blue eyes shining. Then she nodded again, her white hair bouncing.

“Yes!” she cried. “Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Of course, John!”

John slid the ring onto her finger but before he could stand up, Marth practically tackled him, her thin arms around him. He lay on the cold, hard, frozen mud and she lay on top of him, her face buried in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, grateful for her warmth. She lifted her head up, resting her chin on his chest and smiled widely, her perfect white teeth shining. “I love you,” she breathed as he sat up. John didn’t respond, just pulled her close. She sat in his lap, head against him, and he nestled his face in her hair. 

They sat there for a moment, their bodies intertwined, on the hard ground of Evergreen Park. John looked down at the ring on Marth’s finger. And his heart beat faster. 

He was going to be married.

He was getting married to Martha Mannings.

It wasn’t that it was a bad thought. It was an extremely good thought. He loved Marth. He really, truly did. But it had never been truly love with him.

It had been more. It had always been more.

But that had also been the breaking. Alexander wanting more. But then he thought of the letters. He’d moved them when he’d got the place with Marth. He’d wanted to burn the letters, or at least throw them out. But he couldn’t. Becuase He was weak. Becuase he was shit and useless and worthless. So, he’d taken the letters in that wooden box and hidden them at his dad’s house. In his room there. Because if he couldn’t rid himself of Hamilton’s poison, he’d at least try and keep it as far away as he could. 

John violently pushed all thoughts of that out of his head as Marth brushed a kiss against his lips. It was always quick and fleeting moments between them. Always a brush of the fingers. A quick peck. A small touch. Taking a curl in a hand.

They never really properly kissed, or touched. John always felt guilty, but Marth never pushed, never questioned him. The first time they’d kissed, John had pulled away, unable to bear the taste of someone that didn’t taste like mint, coffee, lies and passion. 

He’d apoligised and tried to explain, but Marth had just shaken her head and offered him a kind smile before slipping her hand into his and leaning her head against his shoulder. Marth was kind and _trusting,_ she would never push him. He knew that.

A tendril of guilt, shame and self-loathing unfurled in his heart.

 _Is that why you’re marrying this poor, trusting, unsuspecting girl? Because she’ll never question? Never taunt? Never_ lie _? Not like him. He lied. But now you’re lying to her. Just like he did. You’re so cruel and twisted and-_

John pushed the sneering voice out of his head as he stood up, offering a hand to Marth. She smiled and let him help her, going to drop his hand when John pulled her closer and pushed his lips against hers. He felt her grin into the kiss, as his hands found their way into her white hair. He wasn’t marrying Marth because she was trusting. He was marrying Marth because she was a good person, and he loved her. At least he hoped he was.

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

ALEX

Laf, Herc and Peggy were sitting around Eliza and Alex’s table, touching all of Eliza’s careful plans and Alex’s deliberate calculations. Weddings were fucking expensive.

“Stop that Laf, for god’s sake,” Alex told him as he grabbed the pile of invitations from his friend’s hands. Laf just smirked at him before he started flicking through a magazine about cake. Alex was pretty sure his eyes was twitching. This was too fucking much for him. It was all so stressful, and took so much time and money and effort and Alex was so close to fucking snapping. He just wanted this to be done. He just wanted...no. It didn’t matter what Alex wanted.

This was Eliza’s day. He wouldn’t fuck it up for her.

He started sifting through the handwritten invitations, scanning the names elegantly written on them in grey ink. He smiled faintly as Eliza slid into the chair next to him and squeezed his knee. He tuned out as she started telling Herc about her wedding dress. He loved Eliza. But he really didn’t love all of...he looked at the table covered in flowers and cream paper and confetti... _this_.

He kept shuffling through the cards, running his fingers over Eliza's handwriting.

 _Philip Schuyler._ Of course.

 

 _Adrienne and Gilbert De Lafayette._ Laf and his wife, again, of course.

Some of the names Alex recognised as Eliza's colleagues or old friends he hadn't met yet, but the majority of them he knew. Then he got to the last envelope. And he held his breath. 

_John Laurens._

He coughed lightly, feeling his whole body flush red. Out of confusion or anger he couldn't tell.

"What. Is. This?" he said slowly, holding up the letter. Everyone turned to him; Laf gulping, Herc paling, Peggy freezing and Eliza biting her lip. "Eliza" he asked, praying that his voice wouldn't break. It did. She tried to smile at him, but Alex could see right through it. 

"I didn't know if you'd want to invite him?" she said, but it came out sounding like a question. His throat bobbed. He didn't say anything. Just leaned back in his chair and looked at John's name. He shut his eyes. Laf, Herc and Peggy excused themselves and he heard the scraping of their chairs as they left the room.

"Alex?" Eliza asked, her tone soft. He didn't say anything, but he opened his eyes. She was looking up at him, her brown eyes almost pleading. "I didn't think-"

"No, you didn't," he cut her off, his tone icy. He knew he was being a dick, but he didn't care. He knew Eliza probably thought she was doing a good thing, a kind thing, but he didn't care. John was a subject they didn't talk about. Everyone knew that. You didn't mention John Laurens in front of Alexander Hamilton.

Eliza frowned and folded his arms. "Look Alex, he's my friend too, I have the right to invite him to my wedding."

Alex stood up quickly, slamming his hands on the table. "Our wedding, Eliza. _Our_ wedding. Me and you. You really think he's gonna want to come? To that?" 

Eliza shook her head and stood up too, her face angry. But not at him, Alex realised after a moment. At _John_.

"Why wouldn't he? He didn't extend _us_ the same offer. I thought maybe he'd like to remember us. His _friends_. Since he didn't care to invite us to his. I thought that maybe by inviting him it would solidify what's already happened. He moved on, you're allowed to move on too, Alex. You're allowed to wear a ring too!"

He froze, eyebrow raised. _What?_ He clenched his jaw as he tried to understand what Eliza had said.

"What?" he asked. She didn't say anything, but her face fell, softening. "What are you talking about?"

"Alex," she said, shaking her head. "I didn't mean to-I thought Laf or Herc would've told you-I thought-"

"What are you. Talking. About?" he asked again.

"John's married, Alex. He got married. He has a wife."

Alex sat down, his breathing deep. 'He has a wife.' John has a wife. He was married. Alex ran a hand through his hair. He was fucking married. And he hadn't been invited. Had Laf? Herc? Peggy? They must've been, they're more John's friends than Alex's.

John was married.

John Laurens loved someone else.

He knew it should hurt him, and it did, but it also felt like a weight being lifted off of his shoulders. John had moved on. So there was nothing wrong with Alex marrying Eliza. At least he had some sort of clarity now. At least he could marry Eliza with a clear mind. Well, at least he could marry Eliza knowing John didn't still love him, even if he still loved John.

At least he hadn't broken John. Hadn't ruined him and his heart. At least now, someone else was protecting John. At least someone else was there to hold his heart. Alex just hoped whoever they were, they wouldn't crush John's heart like Alex had. 

He ran his fingers over John's name and wondered who the woman than now shared that name was.  


	62. In The Eye Of A Hurricane - ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Nice hair, Laurens. Didn’t think you’d ever cut that shitshow.”

JOHN

Alexander Hamilton looked pretty fucking good in a grey suit.

Even if he did keep picking at it.

John sat at the back of the church. He had stood in the threshold for a while, just watching Alex, before Alex had turned slightly and John had ducked into a pew, his heart hammering. John was surrounded by people he didn’t know. He didn’t know about ninety-five percent of the people sitting there. He had shuffled in after everyone else was already sitting down, muttering excuse me and politely smiling. This wedding was a lot grander than his had been. They'd only invited a small number of people and it had been in a small church. John had invited Laf, Herc and Peggy, and they'd come, but he'd made them swear not to tell Alex. Not because he was ashamed of Marth, or because he wanted Alex. He didn't. He just felt like he could sometimes justify spending most of his time thinking about Alex, if he thought Alex was thinking about him.

Now, John was just trying to keep his breathing steady. He fidgeted with the golden band round his finger. For some reason it felt like a chain. He suddenly wished Martha had been able to come, so he wouldn’t have to sit alone at the back like a freak. She couldn’t fly though, of course, due to her condition. 

Suddenly, John felt a pang of guilt in his stomach, maybe he shouldn’t have left her back in South Carolina alone. Then he shook it off, he’d be back tomorrow and it wasn’t like it would happen today. He wouldn’t miss it. They’d already painted the spare room in their new house a light yellow and Marth had hung up the mobile her mother had made them. He pushed Marth out of his head, because his heart hurt when he though of her. He really missed Martha Laurens. He sighed and forced himself to concentrate on something else.

And his eyes just happened to fall on Alexander Hamilton. John watched Alex shift from foot to foot, his hands behind his back. He looked exactly the same as he had four years ago, when he’d last seen him. His hair was still long, he still had that look in his eyes, he was still handsome as hell. John held his breath as Alex turned in his direction but he didn’t see him, and John let loose a sigh as Alex turned back. He wanted to keep watching Alex but a voice pulled him out of his reverie. 

“Are you on the bride or the groom’s side?” The lady beside him asked. He turned to face her and smiled. She was around thirty five, with a pale complexion and dark brown hair twisted up into a bun. “The uh...both. They’re both my old friends,” John replied, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck before he realised she should ask her back. He was thankful she didn’t ask him why he wasn’t sitting at the front with all the other old friends.

“Oh, we’re on the groom’s side,” she answered, smoothing out her skirt. John looked to her other side, there was no one there. She noticed before she laughed lightly. “My husband’s just gone to talk to someone, he’ll be back soon.” John nodded and thought that would be the end of it, but the lady kept talking. She was nice, but John wasn’t exactly in the best mood to make small talk.

When a man approached and slid in next to her, she grinned before she said to John, “This is George, my husband.” When John properly looked at the man his mouth fell open.

“Professor Washington?” he exclaimed.

“John,” Washington laughed, his kind face smiling. Then John’s throat bobbed. He was stuck next to his old professor who definetly knew about John and Alex’s past, at Alex’s wedding to Eliza. “I see you’ve met my wife, Martha. Good to see you again.”

“And you, sir,” John tried to smile back but he was pretty sure it came out as a grimace. 

“Please no formalities, I am no longer your professor.” John supposed that was true, but it felt strange to refer to Washington as if they were equals. “What are you doing these days?” Washington asked as his wife nestled closer into him. “Are you doing something with your art?” John tried not to frown.

”Uh, no, si- no. I became a lawyer. Criminal defence. I moved back to Charleston. First time I’ve been back to New York in four years.” Martha smiled up at him but John caught Washington’s smile falter. “I’m very happy,” John added quickly.

“And I see you’re also married now?” Washington questioned. John nervously tapped his fingers along the pew.

“Yes, I, uh...how did you know?”

“You keep touching your ring,” Washington told him as he smiled lightly. As if he knew a secret John didn’t. John had forgotten how observant Washington was.

“My wife, she couldn’t make it, unfortunately,” John nodded, his chest tight. "Couldn't fly."

“Oh, I’m sorry. I hope she’s not ill,” Martha said, frowning slightly.

“No, no, no,” John said quickly. “Nothing like that. We’re...uh...we...she’s pregnant. The due dates in a week.”

Martha grinned and hugged him quickly. “Oh congratulations.” John tried to smile back but they could all tell it was forced. It was the first time he’d actually said it aloud. He let Marth tell their families and friends. It wasn't like he wasn't excited, because he was; he was the most excited he'd ever been in his whole life. He was going to have a daughter. He was bringing someone he had helped make, into this world. He was going to be a dad. But it was him and Marth's special thing, and when they told people, it was suddenly their special thing too. Thinking about his unborn child, weirdly, made him think about his sister. And that made him feel ill. He still didn't like thinking about Martha. Whenever he did, his heart clenched and he felt tears in his eyes. There was a picture of his Martha and James on their mantlepiece, and John had to stifle back tears and an overwhelming sense of dejection everytime he saw it.  

Washington opened his mouth to say something when the piano started playing. Everyone stood up as Eliza appeared at the end of the aisle, arm around her father's. John grinned; Eliza looked beautiful. That was the only word to describe it. Pure and true beauty. Her dress was proper Kate Middleton style, with a pale blue sash around her waist. Her hair also had pale blue flowers braided into it. His throat bobbed as she passed them. For a second, fear hit him, when Eliza turned her head so very slightly, but she didn't look at him. Her eyes were trained on Alex. 

John looked up to the front and he stilled when he saw Alex grinning. He didn't feel sadness, or jealousy or relief. He just felt nothing. His heart; the pit of his stomach; his mind; it was all just...empty.

When everyone sat back down, John followed, spreading his hands out onto the cool wood. He kept still as he watched Eliza and Alex declare their love for each other. One solid thought slammed through his head over and over and over again and it made him feel sick. That should be me. That should be us. 

No. He really loved Marth. And he loved his unborn daughter. More than life itself.

He kept his breathing steady as he watched them be pronounced man and wife. He kept sitting when everyone jumped up and cheered and clapped. He watched helplessly as Alex and Eliza walked down the aisle, hand in hand. He kept still as everyone filtered out. "John?" He looked up to see Washington and his wife standing next to him. She was looking down at him with worry etched on her kind face, Washington looking down with a small smile. "Are you alright?" she asked. 

John nodded, but he didn't even try to force a smile. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I just...need to make a call."

"Well, it was nice to meet you, John," she said before she started to walk out. John smiled as Martha walked out. Washington looked down at him, the corner of his mouth turning up. “It was good to see you again, John. Stay happy.” Then he walked out.

John sighed and leaned back onto the bench and let himself shut his eyes. Why had he come here? It hadn’t given him clarity or a clear mind. It had made him feel sick. To the goddamn stomach. And he didn’t even know why. Alex had fucked him over. Badly. And it had led him to a beautiful, kind, loving and amazing wife, and a child. Why couldn’t he chose how he felt. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t he just leave Alexander Hamilton, instead of picking at their dead relationship like a wilted flower. It was over. But why couldn’t he let himself believe it was over? He would have to at some point. He just didn’t know how he was going to do it. If he could do it at all.

He let his thoughts consume him until he heard a vaguely familiar voice. “Nice hair, Laurens. Didn’t think you’d ever cut that shitshow.” John lifted his head up and opened his eyes to see Thomas. Fucking. Jefferson.

John groaned and rolled his eyes at him as Jefferson sat down next to him. Too close next to him. John looked down and a flash of gold caught his eye. Looked like Jefferson was married too. He wondered who the ‘lucky lady’ was. "Didn't expect to see you here,' Jefferson smirked, rolling his shoulders back. He was wearing a plain black suit (that looked extremely expensive. Trust Jefferson) and he’d tied his hair back. It just then struck John how alike Jefferson and Laf looked. It made him shudder.

"Neither," John said through gritted teeth, hoping that he would piss off. "Wouldn't have come if I knew you would be here."

Jefferson shot John an arrogant grin. "Oh I doubt that, Laurens." Jefferson cocked his head, his curly Afro bouncing. "I doubt that very much."

"What are you _doing_?" John hissed, tightening his fists under his legs.

"Sitting with an old friend," Jefferson shrugged innocently, shooting John a smile. John rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.

"I am not your _friend_ ," John snorted, making to stand up. He needed to talk to Alex. He probably shouldn't - but he needed to. Seeing him standing up there, professing his love...he just needed to talk to him. It was the only thing that he could think about. Alexander fucking Hamilton was clouding his mind again. He felt nineteen again. And he hated it. He hated that he was here. Hated that he cared enough to even come. But...he needed to talk to Alex, needed to hear his voice say John's name one last time. Just one more time. Then he could be done with the whole thing and live his own goddamn life.

As soon as he made to leave, he felt Jefferson's hand on his fucking wrist. He pulled away and narrowed his eyes at him, scowling. But Jefferson's expression didn't change; just stayed the same cast of cold indifference that was always on his face.

"Where are you going?" he asked. His tone was nonchalant, but he could hear the hint of emotion his his voice. 

"Why do you care?" John snipped, folding his arms.

"If you're going to talk to Hamilton, the original that is, you shouldn't. Just leave them alone, Laurens. Go home." John's mouth fell open and his hands were trembling in rage and his veins were stammering in anger and outrage and embarrassment. 

Fuck off, Jefferson," John snapped before he turned away.

"If you love him. Like, truly, really, honestly, love him then you should-"

"I don't fucking love him," John cut in through gritted teeth.

"Then why are you at his wedding?" Jefferson quipped.

"I'm Eliza's friend," John protest, even though in his heart he knew that wasn't entirely true. He hadn't seen Eliza in a year. He hadn't invited her to his wedding. He didn't know why he'd come to her wedding. Maybe it had been a stupid idea.

"You never did know when to shut up, did you Laurens?" Jefferson rolled his eyes. John opened his mouth to protest but quickly shut his mouth when he realised the irony. Jefferson gave a small huff of amusement before he fell back into his casual stance. "Just leave it, okay? They're happy. And if you go and talk to him, you'll fuck it all up. You're both married now, Laurens."

"How did you know I was-"

"I know everything," Jefferson said quickly. "But that isn't the point. Just leave them alone. It's their wedding day for fucks sake. I've had to work with Hamilton for the past two years and he's not the same. He's as silent as Alexander Hamilton can get. You fucked him up and-"

"He fucking cheated on me!" John objected, "And I found out from you, of all people."

"And you're still pissed about it!" Jefferson argued. "So. Just. Drop. It. Maybe, if he thinks you didn't come, then he'll move on. Let him move on."

As much as John hated to admit it, and he really hated it, Jefferson was making some sense. John was big enough to admit that. And if somehow Jefferson was making sense, then maybe John should listen to him.

"I always hated you, Jefferson." John told him as he walked out of the church. 

Jefferson just shrugged, not bothering to look at John. "The feeling's mutual, Laurens."

And so John left home, without telling anyone, for the second time. At least this time no one had known he'd been there. But the whole flight back to South Carolina, John couldn't get the image of Alex and Eliza out of his head. That should be me, he thought, half-way through the flight. Then he spent the rest of the journey hating himself for thinking that.


	63. In The Eye of a Hurricane - ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have a habit of losing people I love.”

**SEVEN YEARS LATER**

JOHN

"You used to have long hair, daddy!" Frances shouted over to him. They were both in Laf's house, helping Adrienne and Herc set up for the surprise party. It was Laf's thirty-first birthday and everytime John saw the banner hanging in the sitting room, his breath caught in his throat. They were thirty. It only seemed like yesterday they were setting up parties in their flat but instead of wine glasses and small cucumber sandwiches it was red cups filled sloppily with beer and crisps shoved in a bowl.

He followed his five year old daughter's laugh to the hall. She was holding a framed photo and giggling. "Let me see that," he said, picking the frame out of her hand. "Oh for god's sake," John sighed as he looked down at the picture. "Why on earth has he framed _this_?" It was a picture of Laf, Herc and John at one of their old Friday parties. Laf and Herc are on the sofa; Laf doing finger guns and Herc laughing hysterically. John's sitting on the floor, long hair tied back in a bun. John's the only one in the photo not laughing or grinning. He's sitting with his legs tucked against his chest, his head leaning on his knees. He's smiling softly, his face a cast of love and admiration. John’s surprised by how different he looks in the picture. He looks so much younger, innocence plastering his face.

He's also not wearing his own clothes. John still knew who the oversized sweater he's wearing in the photo belongs to. He also still knew who had taken the photo. Who had been behind the camera. Who he had been gazing at with those wishful and doting eyes. 

John also knew what photo used to be in that frame. It used to be a picture of Eliza and Alex, on their wedding day. But John assumed Laf had changed it after their divorce. He never found out why Alex and Eliza had spilt up, but he had a lot of theories. He was pretty sure they were still close friends, if he went by anything Laf and Herc said.

"You had long hair," his daughter giggled as John handed her back the photo. He nodded and smiled lightly.

"I did," he smiled as he watched her daughter place the frame back on the mantle. He picked her up around the waist and spun her around. She laughed as her hair flew around, her skirt blowing as he twirled with her in the hall. When he put her down, she was still gigfiling.

"Your old hair looks like my hair," she said, pulling at her bronze curls. John nodded and grinned but his smile faltered when Frances frowned and tugged at her hair forcefully. John's brows furrowed as he bend down slightly and pulled Frances' hands away from her hair. He didn't want her to hurt herself. She stood still for a moment before she spoke. 

"Mommy used to plait my hair. But I don't know how to and now it always looks frizzy and ugly." John went down onto his knees and let his daughter clamber onto him and wrap her arms around his neck. "Oh, _Frances_. You're so beautiful, princess. You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Your hair is beautiful and special and unique." She didn’t say anything and John could tell she didn’t believe him. “Frances Laurens. You are the cutest, smartest princess I know. Okay?”

She didn't say anything, she just cried into John's neck. "I miss, mommy," she sniffled. John held his daughter tighter and soothed out her hair as she clung onto him.

"So do I," he said. "I miss mom too. But she'll always be with you, Frances. She's watching you. She loves you so much. She loved you more than anything. But I'm still here, okay? I'm not going anywhere. You'll _never_ be alone." He felt his daughter nod slowly before she pulled away. He wiped away her tears and let his hand rest on her shoulder. Frances did look like him, but she was Marth incarnate. She was shy and quiet, and John always found her in his room, sat on his bed, reading a book. She had his bronze curls, but that was about it. She had Marth's white complexion and Marth's blue eyes. John looked down at his ring finger and his heart clenched as he looked at the bare skin. No ring. He took it off a month after Marth died. That was three years ago.

Frances told him she was going to help Adrienne decorate the cake as she wiped at her red eyes. "Try not to eat it until Uncle Laf gets here," he told her as she tried a giggle and ran down the hall, her pink skirt flowing, leaving John on his knees.

He sighed as he pushed himself up and ran a hand through his hair. He clenched his jaw as he tried hard not to let the dark thoughts consume him. "You okay, man?" Herc's voice pulled him out of his reverie. He nodded as his friend walked over to him, leaning against the wall. He smiled when he saw the photo of them all on the mantle. "Fuck. I forgot how sexy we all used to be," Herc whistled, holding up the photo.

" _Used_ to?" John smirked, arching an eyebrow. "Speak for yourself, Mulligan."

Herc snorted as he put the photo back down. Then he looked up at John and the humour was gone from his face. "What's wrong?" he asked, folding his arms. "You look upset."

"Yeah, I'm fine. Frances just got a little bit upset."

"Martha?" Herc asked, his tone soft. John nodded. "Is she okay now?" John nodded again. "Well, people are gonna start arriving soon so do you mind answering the door?"

"Nah, that's fine, I'll do it," John agreed. 

"Uh," Herc started, scratching the back of his neck. "Eliza and Alex are coming," he said. John just shrugged. 

"Good for them." When he saw Herc cock his head he rolled his eyes. "Seriously, Herc, I don't care. They're Laf's friends. It's been like...ten years." _And they're not together anymore_ , John wanted to add. He didn't.

"Alex's bringing their kid."

 _That_ threw John through a loop. "Oh." Herc bit his lip as worry washed over his face.

"You know what, man. It's fine. I'll get the door," he said as he tried to walk past John to get to the door. John sighed and caught Herc's arm.

"No. It's fine. I can do it," he told Herc. He didn't give him time to argue. The bell went and John instantly went for the door, leaving Herc behind him. He was met by a face he vaguely recognised as someone from uni. But he smiled anyway and opened the door wider. "Hi, good to see you again. Welcome! I can take your coat."

-

John didn't like parties. Maybe he had when he was twenty, but not anymore. He watched his daughter play with the other kids that had come, running in and out of the corridors, sprinkles covering their faces. He didn't warn her to be careful or to stop. She looked so happy. Her face was flushed and her dress was stained and dirty but John didn't care.

He leaned against a wall and folded his arms. He didn't realise being a dad would be _this_ hard. Especially without Marth to help him. He figured he wasn't doing an _especially_ shit job, because Frances was the best kid. But it was still hard.

He got up at six each morning, so he had time to make breakfast and pack Frances' lunch before he woke her up. He then had to get Frances to school on time every morning, then try to get to work on time. He didn't even finish work early enough to pick Frances up, so his dad had to do it. Thankfully, his dad didn't treat Frances the way he had treated John as a kid. After he picked Frances up from his dad's, he helped her do her homework while he did his own work. Then he had to cook dinner. That was a skill John had to learn pretty quickly. He had figured out after a week of raising Frances alone that he couldn't take her to Olive Garden or McDonalds everyday. 

He smiled faintly as he watched Frances and another boy steal cupcakes from the table before they dived underneath. He could see their feet sticking out. Frances' white shoes were dusted in blue sprinkles from the cake. 

He looked around the room to see if there was anyone he could talk to, but his crushing social anxiety didn't let him introduce himself to anyone new. John had never gotten anxious when he was twenty, but after Martha and James, and after Alex and then his wife. It was harder to talk. Harder to answer questions and be in crowded rooms.

Laf and his wife, Adrienne, were sitting on the sofa talking to people and Herc was in the kitchen, talking to some old friend. He'd seen Angelica and Peggy walk in together, but he had no idea where they'd disappeared to. And John was standing alone, like a complete fucking loser. He sighed and leaned his head against the wall when he felt someone come up beside him. He looked down to see a kid standing next to him, a couple of years older than Frances.

"Uh. Hi," John said, trying to smile at the boy. The boy just looked at him before he folded his arms. He was wearing a smart bright blue shirt and grey trousers with little vans.

"Parties suck," the kid said, pouting and folding his arms. 

"Agreed," John nodded. It was then when he realised how much the kid looked like him. This boy looked more like him than his own daughter did. Same curly hair, same gold skin. The kid even had hundreds of freckles dotted around his face. The only different thing was that the kid had dark brown eyes instead of bright green. "What's your name?" John asked, eyebrow arched.

"Philip. People call me Pip." John swore that the name rang a bell, but he couldn't place where he recognised it from. "That's a lie," The kid continued. "No one calls me Pip. But I wish they did. Pip is way cooler than Philip."

"I'll call you Pip," John smiled. "But I think Philip is also a pretty cool name." Philip grinned up at him, his dark eyes shining. 

"Thanks. You're way cooler than all the other adults here." John snorted. If only that was true. "What's your name?" he inquired.

"John. Which isn't as cool as Philip." Philip laughed and shook his head, his curls shaking and bouncing. It unnerved him slightly how much this kid looked like him. "How come you aren't playing with the other kids?" John asked, gesturing to Frances and the rest of the children. Philip just shrugged. John knew the feeling. "Where are you parents?" he asked, watching Philip give a dramatic sigh. 

"Well, they're both here. But I came with dad." John didn't say anything but he arched an eyebrow. "My parents are divorced," Philip said.

"Oh. I'm sorry," John said, scratching the back of his neck.

" _Well_. They weren't in love anymore. They used to shout quite a lot. Mom used to say that dad loved someone else instead of her. They still love me though," Philip said in a very matter-of-the-fact way. He didn't sound sad.

"Of course they do," John told him. "But shouldn't you be with your dad or your mom?" John asked.

"Dad's a big, fancy lawyer. Every time we go anywhere they both go talk to people. Normally I just follow them. It's boring. I managed to escape this time." John laughed at the word choice of _escape._

"Are you sure he won't be looking for you?" John asked. 

Philip shook his head. "No. Mum's over there." He gestured with his head to the middle of the room but there were so many people that John had no idea who he was pointing to. He felt bad that the kid wasn't playing with the other children. He looked across the room and made eye contact with his own daughter, who was dancing with the other children to Come On Eileen (Laf's favourite song) He subtly gestured with his head for her to come over and smiled when she ran over to them. "Hi," she waved awkwardly to Philip who in turn, tried a smile. 

"Frances, this is Pip." Frances smiled at Philip before she looked up at John, eyebrow arched. He nodded and smiled proudly when she asked, "Do you wanna come play with us Pip?" 

Philip beamed before he nodded and took Frances' hand when she offered it to him. "Don't eat all the cake, Frances." His daughter just smirked up at him before she shrugged and led Pip away into the sea of adults in formalwear. Suddenly, with the absence of Pip and Frances, John felt very lonely. He stayed standing against the wall, his shirt feeling too tight and his breathing too forced. He needed some air, but he couldn't leave Frances alone. He waited until someone he knew passed him to talk. It turned out to be Peggy.

When she walked past, holding a wine glass, he caught her wrist. She turned and grinned when she saw him. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a long yellow dress with her long dark hair braided up in a bun. "Hey, John. Where have you been hiding?" she asked. He just shrugged.

"I need some air," he told her. "Can you please keep an eye on Frances?" Peggy grinned and nodded her head.

"Of course. I love little Frances." John thanked her before he managed to escape out of Laf and Adrienne's house and slipped into their back garden. His eyes fell on the swing set right at the back of the garden. He walked over to the swing, the wet grass squishing under his shoes. When he got to the swing he saw that it was wet but he decided to fuck it and sat down anyway. He pushed off of the ground lightly and leaned his head back as he swung. He swung on the swing for a couple of minutes, desperately trying to forget about everything. He breathed in the fresh air and looked up at the dark sky. He smiled lightly when he saw the stars blinking in the sky. 

"Are the stars clearer in South Carolina?" 

John turned to see Alexander Hamilton standing next to him. He was leaning casually against the swing set, hands in his pockets and his ankles casually crossed. John’s throat bobbed as Alex took a step closer. He was wearing a smart shirt and a blazer but he had decided to pair it with _jeans_. Get it together, get it together, John told himself as he turned away from Alex. This was the first time he’d said a word to John in practically ten years.

"Yeah," John nodded. "They are." He felt Alex take another step closer.

"I heard about your wife," Alex said. John took in a sharp breath. "I'm sorry." 

John just nodded. "I have a habit of losing people I love," he said, shrugging. He looked to his side to see Alex frowning. 

“Don’t say that,” he shook his head. “Don’t be stupid,” he said as he sat on the swing next to John.

“Well it’s true,” John breathed as he swung lightly. Alex didn’t have anything to say about that. “I’m sorry about you and Eliza,” he said, biting his lip. Alex shrugged. 

“We just weren’t right for each other. I don’t deserve Eliza. She’s too good and pure. I mean, it was great at the start. But then I fell into a sort of slump.”

“A slump?” John questioned. 

“I was working. Quiet a lot. Late at night.” John didn’t even try to hide rolling his eyes. He’d been through that before - Alex working non-stop. “But it...it wasn’t like before. When it was just me. I had Eliza and Philip.” John held his breath. Fuck. That’s where he’d heard the name Philip before. Philip fucking Hamilton.

“She didn’t stand for it. Of course. She shouldn’t have had to. But I kinda always knew we weren’t... I don’t think we were ever really in love.”

John didn’t say anything, just kept swinging slightly, hands on the ropes. “I blamed you,” Alex said. John’s head snapped to the side to meet Alex’s eyes. It was the first time he properly looked at Alex. He was still annoyingly handsome, and now he’d managed to grow an actual beard. John scratched his own bare jaw.

“You blamed _me_?” he asked, his tone offended. Alex just shrugged before he ran a hand through his hair. “What the _fuck_ , Alex?” John hissed, standing up from the swing. “You can’t just fucking say that. You can’t just say that to me!”

Alex pushed his tongue into his cheek. “I still loved you,” he said, his tone rising in volume. He didn’t move from the swing, but he dug his heels into the wet grass. “Do you know how fucking _annoying_ it was? To have a perfect life, a perfect wife, a perfect kid, a perfect job a perfect house. And you were always, always in my _goddamn_ mind.”

“And that’s my fault _how, exactly_?” John asked, folding his arms. 

“Cause you _left_!” he shouted. John sighed. He finally said it. “You left without warning! You left without _telling_ anyone!”

John shook his head. “I told _you_ ,” he protested meekly.

“In a fucking _letter_ ,” Alex said, ludicrous. “In a goddamn letter, John. I thought I meant a little more to you than _that_.” John bit his lip. Alex had meant more than that. Still meant more than that. But he didn’t tell Alex that.

“I didn’t owe you anything,” John objected. “We had broken up. You fucking cheated on me, _Alex_.” John watched Alex’s face fall slightly, his cast of anger switching to a cast of regret. 

“I know,” Alex breathed. “I didn’t deserve Eliza. And I didn’t deserve you either.” John’s heart fell slightly. He held his breath as he sat back down on the swing next to Alex. 

“I came to your wedding,” John breathed. He ignored Alex’s shocked face and widened eyes. 

“I didn’t see you,” Alex said softly. John nodded.

“That was kind of the point. I sat at the back, next to Washington.” There was silence for a minute. Neither of them spoke. They both sat on the swings in silence, listening to one another’s breathing

“I lied during my vows,” Alex whispered. “That’s why me and Eliza split up. ‘Cause I didn’t love her. Not like I love you.” John tried to ignore the present tense but it sounded like a bong around his head. 

“I lied too,” John breathed. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he turned to look at Alex. The angry tension seemed to dissolve.They both looked at each other until it started to rain heavily. They both looked up but neither of them moved. John held his hand out and let the raindrops splat against his hand.

“You cut your hair,” Alex said. John looked at him and self-consciously raked his fingers through his hair. 

“You hate it,” he said, hating himself for even caring what Alex thought.

Alex shook his head and a whisper of a smile crept up onto his lips. “I like it.” John hates that a smile blossomed on his own face. He watched Alex’s eyes drop and he looked down to where he was looking. Their hands were both on the surface of the swing, very, very close to each other. John’s breathing hitched and he thought about doing it, thought about grabbing Alex’s hand, but he didn’t have time because Alex’s hand was the one gripping John’s. He was hit with serious déjà vu as their first kiss replayed in his mind.

John felt himself go red as his eyes met Alex’s. He searched for words, but like always, Alex beat him to it. “What are you thinking about?”

John watched Alex, all the moisture from his mouth disappearing. “Nothing?” Alex asked, almost whispering, as he traced the lines of John’s hand with his fingers.

John shook his head, he felt alive for the first time in years. “Everything,” he breathed, looking up at Alex from under his eyelashes. 

“Everything,” Alex repeated, looking up to meet John’s eyes.

“You.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this alternative ending was supposed to end up with Alex and John not ending up together and pining for each other but never ending up together. But I just couldn’t do it guys. I couldn’t split them up.


	64. In The Eye Of A Hurricane - ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think we have really shitty communication skills.”

JOHN

They were both silent for a moment as they looked into each other's eyes. As John watched Alex shoot him a crooked grin and awkwardly bite his lip, he suddenly felt nineteen again. It was still raining and they were both soaking. Alex's hair was practically dripping and raindrops were falling from his chin. John was trying not to shiver. He felt like if he shivered, if he pulled away and if he moved then Alex would disappear like a mirage.

Alex moved his head closer to John. He froze, but he couldn't tell from what; fear or anticipation. They leaned in closer, John's forehead resting on Alex's. He squeezed his eyes shut and suddenly he was nineteen again. It was Christmas and John's heart was hammering in his chest. He was trembling in terror, excitement and nerves. And he really wanted Alexander Hamilton to hurry up and fucking kiss him. Even though he knew he really shouldn't. 

But Alex stood up, breaking the fucking spell. He walked away for a moment to sit down on the bench. He ran a hand down his face as he watched John. Alex swore under his breath before John jumped up from the swing and sat down next to him. “John,” Alex breathed, looking up at him, his head hanging. 

“You don’t have to say anything,” John said, biting his lip. “I get it. We’ve never been easy have we? Everything’s always been complicated and confusing.” John leaned back into the bench as he laughed lightly. “I think we have really shitty communication skills.”

Silence covered them as John watched Alex hold his head in his hands, his knee jolting. The only sounds were the faint music coming from inside and the rain splashing against the ground. John ran a hand through his wet hair. He shushed he knew what Alex was thinking. He would give anything to know what he was thinking. 

"Thank you," Alex said, in barely more than a whisper, finally breaking the still air.

"For what?" John asked, his voice wavering, exhilarated from the tension between them. Alex looked up and smiled lightly.

"For being you." Alex breathed and John felt his cheeks blush. “For being John Laurens.” More silence followed. John was sick of silence. He hadn't realised it, but seeing Alex, feeling Alex, was like being pulled from icy water. He was sick of silence and sick of being alone and sick of feeling broken and shattered. So he leaned in and pressed his wet lips against Alex's as he shut his eyes tight. It was brief, but at least it was something. 

John hesitantly opened his eyes and looked up at Alex. The swirls of emotion he saw in Alex's dark eyes made him gasp. Lust and desire. However, before he could ponder about it further, Alex yanked John to him and covered his mouth with his in a hungry kiss. As their lips crushed together, John felt like he was walking on air. Alex's mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips softer than John remembered. Suddenly everything felt right. It clicked. John opened his mouth with a low moan.

As he kissed Alexander Hamilton he asked himself why it had taken so long. Why he'd been so stubborn and hesitant and unforgiving. Why he hadn't listened to his heart. When they pulled away, both panting, John felt colder than he ever had. He needed Alex's warmth again. "John” Alex whispered slowly, prolonging each letter as if to savor them. John smiled, his heart fluttering at his voice. He grinned as he clasped his hands on either side of Alex's face. He ran his hands down his jaw, tapping his fingers of his temples.

"What happens now?" John whispered. He frowned slightly when he felt Alex stiffen next to him. He was pretty sure Alex was holding his breath.

"I don't want to hurt you again. I can't hurt you again," Alex finally said, his voice breaking slightly. John pulled his head and his hands away so he could look at Alex properly.

"Then don't," he said, his voice almost begging as he watched Alex.

"It's different now," Alex started. "We have kids. We have jobs. We have lives." Every word Alex spoke made doubt spark in John's mind. "We're not just students that can get drunk and fuck up constantly, anymore, John," Alex continued.

"What are you saying, Alex?" John asked, frowning. 

"I broke your heart," he breathed, looking away. 

John clenched his jaw. He really didn't like to be reminded what Alex had done. He suspected Alex didn't either. "If I could do it all again," John said, tipping Alex's chin up so he'd look at him. "I'd forgive you. I'd go back to you." 

"You shouldn't say that," Alex said, his throat bobbing. "You shouldn't forgive me."

"You should forgive yourself," John said softly. Alex shook his head forcefully.

"I'll never forgive myself for doing that to you. I should never have done it. I shouldn't have even thought of it."

"Fine," John sighed. "Don't forgive yourself. But please don't let it hold you back. Please."

Alex looked away, chewing on his lip anxiously. He didn’t answer. John frowned. “Do you even know what you want, Alexander?” Alex gulped and looked up, their eyes meeting. “If you don’t want this, then I’ll leave. I’ll just leave. Really, it’s fine-” John started, but Alex cut him off.

“No. I want this. I really do, John. But all the technicalities and the practicality of it all. I don’t know whether we-”

“Fuck it,” John breathed, a slight grin on his face. “Just fuck it.” He grabbed Alex’s wet hands and clasped them tight. “Just stay. Promise me you’ll stay. We can make it work. We will make it work. It’ll be hard but I think we’ve probably been through worse, Hamilton. Who says we can’t do it?”

Alex watched him warily before he let the shadow of a smile turned the corners of his lips up. “Okay,” he whispered. “Okay.”

Alex looked him in the eye before he placed his hands on John's neck and pulled him into a deep kiss. "I really like you and I love you, John Laurens," he breathed into the kiss.

John gave a huff of amusement as he wrapped his arms around Alex's neck. "I really like you and I love you, Alexander Hamilton."

John had felt Alex again, had got a taste, and he wasn't ever letting go again. He was going to hold on, through anything. He’d do anything for Alex. They would make it work. Nothing stood in their way anymore. Nothing could break this, John told himself as he tightened his grip on Alex’s wet shirt. Nothing could break them. John wouldn’t let it. It was like he’d finally made it across No Man’s Land. Like he’d finally won. Like he was standing in the eye of the hurricane and nothing and no one could touch him anymore. Like John had finally beat the wind that had been blowing and tearing Alex and John apart. They were fine. They were finally fine. They could finally just be happy.

John smiled into Alex’s chest and it was the first time he’d properly smiled in seven years. Now John had someone else other than Frances to love. And he had someone to love him back. John was pretty fucking happy as he sat in Laf’s back garden, in the pouring rain with Alexander Hamilton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s so short guys but I’ve got work experience coming up so I had to sort some things out. Thanks for reading!


	65. In The Eye of a Hurricane- ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I really, really, really, really, really like you and I love you, Alexander Hamilton,"
> 
> "I really like you and I love you, John Hamilton,"

TWO YERAS LATER

ALEX

John Laurens looked pretty fucking good in a grey suit.

"Hey," Alex breathed as he watched John, who was standing across from him, a nervous grin plastered on his face.

"Hey," John whispered. "You clean up pretty nicely," John smirked as he tilted his head, his eyes slowly wandering up Alex.

"I know," Alex replied before they turned to the vicar.

Alex didn't really listen to what the vicar said. He probably should've, it was his wedding. But...John looked really fucking hot in a grey suit. No, hot wasn't the right word. Beautiful. John Laurens was beautiful. The sun from the windows was shining on his golden, tawny skin, making him look like he was glowing. And Alex almost fucking died there and then.

He only started listening when John slid the golden band onto his finger and started saying his vows. "I promise to remember that neither one of us is perfect. But strive to remind myself of the ways that we are perfect for each other," John said softly, his tooth gap shining as he smiled at Alex. "And even though I’m unsure about most things in life, I am certain that I love you and will continue to love you forever, Alexander Hamilton. I see these vows not as promises but as privileges: I get to laugh with you and cry with you, care for you and share with you. I get to run with you and walk with you, build with you and live with you. And that's all I could ever ask for." 

When John finished, Alex's throat bobbed, as he struggled to keep his eyes dry. Then he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck when he realised it was his turn. He bit his lip as he turned towards everyone watching. John's family, their workmates, Laf, Herc, Peggy and Angelica were all standing on the platform with them, Angelica hugging Peggy as tears streamed down Peggy's face as she clutched her bouquet to her chest, grinning and sniffling. Frances was sitting in the front row, next to Mary, her little bronze curls tied up in a bun. She was giggling as she blew kisses to John. Alex turned and smiled at his own kids; Philip and Angie were sitting next to each other, Angie's head on her older brother's shoulder, Alexander, James, Jonathan and Will were all sitting beside each other, but even from where he was standing, Alex could see that the four of them were playing on their phones under the pews. Then his eyes fell on Eliza.

She was sitting next to Dan, her new husband, their new baby, Elizabeth, lying asleep in Eliza's arms. Alex loosened slightly as Eliza smiled at him, and nodded her head. He pushed his tongue into his cheek before he turned back to John and grinned. "It was always you, John Laurens. I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. When we’re together, I know my past has been worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might never have met you. We might ever have ended up here. But I'm so happy we did. I couldn't ask for a better person to love."

"I really, really, really, really, really like you and I love you, Alexander Hamilton," John breathed as he shuffled a bit closer, tracing Alex's palms with his fingers.

"I really like you and I love you, John Hamilton," Alex replied, his hand cupping John's beautiful fucking face before he pressed his lips to John's. 

They'd made it. They'd made it together. 

Alex believed that everyone deserved a chance at love. he was always made fun of for saying that there’s someone out there for everyone but he never stopped believing in love - not when his dad left his mom, not when he broke John's heart. He knew some said there’s no such thing as true love, that it all ends in heartbreak and pain, but Alex always through that was the strange beauty of it. To have something so perfect for such a short while, and then for it to disappear into nothing. It’s an endless loop, never ending, always on the move. He never knew where it would take him. That was the thing about love, it was so beautiful and mysterious and magical. Alex believed everyone deserved a chance at love, because everyone deserved something magical. And for Alex, his magic had started at a simple university lecture, when there were no seats, and the boy with the odd socks and the curly hair in a bun had been the only one with a spare seat. Alex's magic had started when John had looked up at him, blinking, not realising what he'd said. His magic had started when John had introduced himself and then gone on to say 'turtles' for no apparent reason.

As Alex and John kissed, John wrapped his arms around Alex's neck and Alex was whisked back to being nineteen and new in New York City.

"Hamilton. Uh...Alexander. Hamilton. People call me Alex." He had held his hand out to John after he'd pulled his satchel onto his shoulder. John had taken his hand. 

"John Laurens," John had smiled at Alex, and they had shaken hands. But this time, they weren't going to let go. Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, yes I know it's really super late, but there we go - the end!
> 
> So even in the alternative ending that was meant to be angsty and end in despair, John and Alex needed up getting married, lmayo. Well, see you guys later, and thanks so much for reading and the lovely comments!
> 
>  
> 
> If you're wanting tor read another Lams fix by me, heres a link ;)
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/16088561/chapters/37573715

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and such make me happy so feel free to write one.


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